Stages of Pregnancy

Stage 1:

You just found out you’re pregnant. You’re excited (or horrified) and you can’t believe you’re going to be a mother. You may be scared to give birth and wonder how you’re going to do it. Everywhere you look you see pregnant women. You’re tired. Like really tired. Every pain and twinge you wonder if it’s because you’re pregnant. You wonder if people can tell that you’re pregnant – sort of like when you wonder if people can tell if you’re drunk (hopefully, you aren’t wondering this at the same time).

Stage 2:

You look fat but not pregnant. You can see people kind of looking at you wondering but it seems weird to blurt out “I’m pregnant!”  You may or may not have told people by now. The people you’ve told ask you how you’re feeling all the time. You may have bought a couple of maternity things that you think you can wear after the baby comes. You may be tired, sick, have sore boobs and have to pee constantly. It’s a delicious luck of the draw.

Stage 3:

You’re really cute and could be an ad for a maternity store. Everyone can see that you’re pregnant and congratulate you and tell you how wonderful you look. You feel great. Nothing hurts and you don’t feel sick anymore. This stage usually lasts for about 27 minutes.

Stage 4:

You’re starting to find it hard to breathe and things are starting to swell. You’re sick of people asking you if you know what you’re having, when you’re due and if you’ve decided on a name. You’re tired of wearing the same maternity clothes but you don’t want to buy new stuff because you’re almost done. Shaving your legs, putting shoes and tending to your lady bits is becoming difficult.

Stage 5:

You feel enormous and none of your maternity clothes fit. You want to crash through walls and shout “oh yeah!” like the KoolAid man. People keep saying “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” You have a new appreciation for how difficult it is for the elderly and morbidly obese to get around and swear you’re going to become an advocate for their rights once you catch your breath. You’re no longer scared of birth you just want this kid out of you and if that means pulling it through your right nostril, so be it.

Stage 6:

The baby is here. You want to burn your maternity clothes on the front lawn. You’re no longer pregnant and you’re looking forward to getting your body back, a full night’s sleep and eating a nice, hot meal. Wait. What?

Did I miss one? What stage are you at?

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  • I feel like I’m already at S5 even though I’m only 30 weeks in… with twins, so I think the hugeness is a factor. The most annoying part is people keep telling me they’re going to come early and I’d just like them to come when they’re ready. We don’t need no pressure here.

  • Could we not with the obesity comments? I am obese — and being fat is NOTHING like being pregnant. As a regular fat person, I exercise (I run, yoga, zumba, you name it). As a pregnant person, my ligaments hurt. It’s not the same, and it’s also a really demeaning comment.

  • I can I add a 4.5. It hit me last week that I was starting not to be able to breath while walking short distances. As I was walking to a final (senior nursing student) i instantly understood the feeling of why women become tired of being pregnant. I had a vision of the mountain coming forth in the last 8 weeks that I was beginning to climb and I started going to the gym. The gym? Yes at over 7.5 months pregnant I had to occupy my mind, prepare my pelvis to prove it self and I accepted the climb. Now while I am tired of explaining my daughters name and being expected to have a middle name, I answer them and see it as another part of mountain I’m climbing.

    Everyday I get excited for stage 6, I look at her gifts from the baby shower that are still in the bags as I prepare to move. I really excited but OK with her baking till 40 gotta finish my school requirements so I can be an RN!

  • I’m at a stage 1.. but my boobs are at a stage 5!! We just found out about the pregnancy, our other children are 11 and 10 so this will definitely be interesting!!

  • Im on 6 and it feels great. I hated stage 4. After TTC for years, tracking of temp, ovulation tests and cycles of conceiveeasy, I was like, this is what I get! Big feet! Nothing fits my feet. LOL!

  • Combo of Stages 4 and 5. I feel like my thighs are as big as a horse’s. I get breathless just standing and doing dishes. My heart rate shoots up to 160 after one flight of stairs. I can no longer stand to put on tennis shoes (wait, what are those?). I can’t fit into some of my maternity clothes.

    Did I mention I still have 10 weeks to go?

  • I’m 3 and half. Not bothered by the questions from people and I love shopping for maternity clothes ( I found an upscale Thrift Store..So cheap!! and cute!) but going crazy trying to shave and being out of breath!!

  • I’m somewhere between 2 and 3… I’m starting to become noticeably pregnant but I still feel awful 90% of the time.

  • I am at Stage 5 in the sweltering summer heat of NYC. Not complaining as I still feel relatively good, all things considered. I am definitely ready to meet our baby!!

  • I’m a 4.5. Due in 3 weeks!!! I’m clinging for dear life to the one pair of pants and few shirts that still fit but have already boxed up a few I gave up on. And, I officially only have 1 pair of shoes that fit. I tried shaving last night. #fail And, I swore I won’t do it again until she’s here. For me, the stage 5 question is (while at work) "you’re still here?!?!" To which I’d love to respond, "Yes, I’m still here. Unless you’re going to pay me to go home. Because HR won’t!" But I think that’s just the hormones talking.

  • I just started stage 3 last week at 17 weeks (depending on what i wear). I thought it was supposed to last the whole second trimester? NO?! You’re ruining it!

  • I think I am between 2 and 3..I am still ambiguously fat but yet I feel great. I cannot wait for a real bump that doesn’t make people or myself second guess.

  • My answer to Stage 2 is, go right down to the store and buy a couple of cute maternity tops. You don’t have to research back braces or over/under-belly pants yet, but the tops have just a couple details that will make people immediately think, "newly pregnant! so cute!" Also, while you’re there, get a belly band, because I know I had a moment in my first pregnancy where all of my patience for trying to keep the waistband of my pants comfortable just vanished (with coworkers at a restaurant for lunch) and I marched straight across the parking lot to Target and put one on right then and there. I also got the advice to switch to maternity underwear early, and even though I continued to wear my regular underwear as well throughout the pregnancy, I support this. Maternity underwear are a lot softer than regular underwear and have gotten really very cute as far as styles. You’ll also find them staying in place in some areas better than any other underwear you can get, and it’s pretty nice. They don’t last a long time, but I think they’re worth it, especially if you catch a 2-for-1 sale or something.

  • I’m still in stage 1 at just under 5 weeks. But I’m so excited to see how every stage is. This is mine and my fiance’s first baby. He’s swearing we’re having a girl but I’m demanding a boy. Anybody have a debate that was funny before you knew how things would be? Also any additional advice will be greatly appreciated .

  • Oh I’m definitely smack in the middle of Stage 2 and waiting impatiently for my 27 minutes of Stage 3! I am just starting to grow and all my old clothes are starting to get just tight enough to be uncomfortable. I finally bought my first set of maternity pants today and they are glorious. I forgot how comfort felt. I’m going to savor this for the few minutes that this new found comfort will last.

  • I was at the bloating stage 2 forever… and I’m 6.5 months now, I’m showing a bit but not a big lot, I guess it’s because I’m 5’10. I already find it harder to breathe, I’m just passing the 3rd stage now and heading for swelling anytime. lol. But I love it. I love seeing my belly grow bigger and somehow I still find it difficult to believe that there’s a little baby growing in there 🙂 Can’t wait for March to meet the little guy <3

  • At 31 weeks I am an irritable (and HUNRGY) stage 4, teetering on the verge of stage 5. I start mat leave next week and think I am going to burn my work pants -the same three pairs that I have been wearing over and over and over again…And what happens if you’re already feeling/lloking as huge as the KoolAid man? Screw it, I’m going to cut a few holes in a bed sheet and wear that for the next 9 weeks…

  • You forgot the stage where you feel like a ticking time bomb, every ache, cramp, twinge and and overly firm stool has the potential to be what ends the pregnancy before you can even tell anyone!
    Sorry, that sounds like a downer, but at 9 weeks everyone keeps telling me that now is the critical time….. Sigh.

    GREAT blog! I have been crying with laughter……. And hormones!

  • Third baby Stage 2. The last time I was pregnant was 11 years ago…I look FAT! Not pregnant! Fat! Everybody wants to see the "cute little baby bump" but is sorely disapointed when they see what looks like a small beer gut. And my clothes do not fit. I am no loner thin. Just fleshy and bloated looking. The cute maternity jeans I wear barely stay up around the belly but the size 28’s Im used to wearing do not button. Ugh

  • Heard the best response to a pregnant lady being asked if she knew what it was yet. She looked the other person straight in the eye, and perfectly seriously said "It’s a baby!"

  • What a gem of a blog you have here, PREGGO CHICK!!! Your writing on pregnancy and baby raising is so refreshing and grounded compared to so much of the fear mongering, belittling, corny ass shit out there! So, thanks! P.S. At 27 weeks, I feel I’m livin’ life as a 3.8. I can sense that this period of maternal glow + luxurious prenatal hair + bouyant yet comfortable baby bump is just about over. It’s these little signals that tell me what’s in store: feeling as if I have to barf every time I lean over to tie my shoes… finding crumbs of the day’s lunch lodged in that sweaty space between breast and bump…I’m developing a waddle… I’ve unsubscribed from my babycenter "birthclub forum" I was initially so eager to join… BRING IT,THIRD TRIMESTER!

  • I guess I’m mostly at stage 2. I’m one of those people some people love to hate – I actually REALLY enjoy going to the gym. I lift weights like Arnold and up until 4 weeks ago I could sort of make out an ab (yep just the one – the rest were covered by a layer of red wine, dark chocolate and too many caramel lattes), but I am growing a suspicious bump that is getting increasingly harder to hide and I don’t plan to tell anyone about the shark baby I’m incubating until I’ve had my first scan and know that it’s not actually a shark or even worse – triplets.

    I’m no longer terrified of losing the little critter, after all he’s hung on in there for nearly 12 weeks of deadlifts, overhead presses, pull ups and planks. I’m just petrified of what the scan is going to say, so much so that I spend at least 14.5 hours a day worrying about it, even though I know perfectly well there is jack shit I can do about it. Shark Baby’s cards have already been dealt.

    But apart from that (and the nausea, fatigue, spontaneous tears and tantrums over why my husband doesn’t wake up with the cats are romping all over us both at 3am) I’m feeling OK.

    Is it time for a biscuit yet?

  • haha omg u described stage 5 perfectly! I laughed so hard I cried! I esp. loved the bit abt the Kool Aid man! priceless!

  • This post is amazing, and absolutely spot on! I have, to the letter, experienced each of these up to my current Stage 5, and I can definitely foresee going through the next two. An "interested" stranger recently asked me if I could still see my toes, and my belly has become a hand magnet for any person in a 200 foot radius. Only 10 more weeks to go!

  • Between stages three and 4 because I’m not out of breath yet, but tired of people asking the same questions. When they open their mouths, it’s like "We’re having a puppy/unicorn hybrid, due in about a year, and naming her Smashmouth Earlenmeyer Frankenweenie."

  • Im stage one – just 5 weeks – after trying at a "science project" level for over a year. Found out a week ago, and am very happy but incredibly nervous about hanging on to him/her, and then everything that comes after that. I think I’ve read every word on Pregnant Chicken in that week. I now feel more informed, happy (from all the laughs) and actually looking forward to some of the surprises I never even knew about before. My husband is especially excited to reach the bad-ass shark baby phase. Thank the gods for you Burd!!!

  • I’m at stage 1.5; body completely revolting against itself. Sick all the time; food won’t stay down, but won’t come out either. Pain at both ends. Did this before and sure don’t remember it being this horrible. Tired all the time; and peeing all the time. "Drink more water, eat more fruit," the doctor says. Both make me want to vomit, and neithe help me poop. Honestly, not loving anything about it this time around.

  • I’m at stage 5 now but it really pissed me off when I was at stage 1 my MIL who knew I was pregnant was always complaining about me sleeping to much.. witch as if she never been pregnant before plus I have an over energetic 3 year old and she wasnt even helping..just being a nag and a pain in the rear

  • I started stage 5 a few weeks ago. None of my maternity clothes fit, thus I am reduced to my dad’s shirts and sweatpants. Large skirts work if I want to freeze my ass off. (its winter here) My poor husband has to tie my shoes.
    I’ve also reverted back to stage 2 at the same time. Including the just looking fat since I can’t fit my clothes.
    And I’m only 30 weeks >.< 7-10 weeks of this to go. Ugh.

  • I’m at Stage 3 lol but I don’t feel like I could be an ad for a maternity store or cute lol and the feeling good part is so right…lol you are hilarious, you make being pregnant so much easier me just coming here and reading all your awesomeness! Thank you 🙂

  • Early stage 2 at 13 weeks. I so wish people we have already told would stop texting me every day to find out how I feel as I can already feel myself getting stabby! Really looking forward to stage 3 when it's obvious that I am pregnant and not just a weirdly shaped chubby woman 🙂

  • I read your blog throughout by pregnancy and although my baby is now six months, I still regularly visit whenever I need a good laugh. Your blog is just too funny!!

  • Stage 4.1. for now. I feel like Stage 5 is right around the corner, and so I'm afraid to walk around corners…

    Back when I was in the lovely stage 3.1 (felt great but looked huge) I put on a big bright yellow dress my mom lent me and knew exactly what I was getting into when I asked my husband how it looked on me. 🙂 He replied: "Well, I'm kind of afraid you're about to bust through a brick wall, shout 'oh yeah' and serve me Kool-Aid." That's my baby's daddy!

  • Stage 2!! Getting fatter everyday and still haven't told my boss about it! Wondering if she's suspecting something! Not ready to tell her yet! Gosh I thought being pregnant was supposed to make me HAPPY!

  • Stage 2. After waiting for years to have our 3rd child this stage has my patience non-existent. Stage 3 needs to hurry up! I just want to wear a shirt that says PREGNANT on it, that way people aren't staring at me in question. Yes, my boobs have doubled in size already, and no I am not stick thin anymore… I didn't get fat… I got pregnant and we are so excited we want it o show lol

  • What about stage 5.1? Past your due date, angry, tired of trying EVERYTHING, tired of people suggesting stuff, TIRED TIRED TIRED of being pregnant, period. My haircut that I got at the *perfect* time for delivery needs a trim. My pedicure that I also had timed perfectly is ratty and I still can't reach my toes. My house, which got a deep clean in preparation for baby, is a wreck. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!

  • I just laughed until I cried about the Kool-Aid man! Just stumbled across your blog today and it is hilarious (and refreshingly honest). I'm a solid stage 2 at this point but am already having breathing troubles. Looking forward to my 27 minutes of stage 3.

  • Gasping. For. Breath. I was fine reading this, chuckling a bit here and there until I came to the part about the Kool-Aid man breaking thru a wall… "OH YEAH!!!" I almost chocked on my raspberry and cream popsicle crying with laughter. Then I threw my head back in hilarity and knocked the sh*t out of it on the wall behind me. I did not expect the Kool-Aid man reference, and I almost wet my pants crying with laughter. Thank. You. For. The. Laughs. They are needed.
    p.s. and I had to google popsicle to see how its spelled…. damn you preggobrain

    • you are so funny! I’m cackling at the front desk in a full waiting room of people. Thank God there’s no wall behind me.

  • I am in stage 4. Stage 3 was nice, but it only lasted for a couple of days…boy those were nice days.

  • I just went from S4 to S5 this week (at 32 wks). And have those obesity/elderly thoughts all the time – glad to know I am not the only one. Thankfully I can let the shaved legs go for a while since it is winter but the putting on shoes is getting annoying.

  • I'm peeing myself. I know this would be funny if I was kidding but being as pregnant as I am, it's hard to judge. I'm kidding – I didn't pee myself. But it's a flip each time. I'm at this stage:
    Stage 5: You feel enormous and none of your maternity clothes fit. You want to crash through walls and shout "oh yeah!" like the KoolAid man. People keep saying "Haven't you had that baby yet?" You have a new appreciation for how difficult it is for the elderly and morbidly obese to get around and swear you're going to become an advocate for their rights once you catch your breath. You're no longer scared of birth you just want this kid out of you and if that means pulling it through your right nostril, so be it.

  • I'm in stage 1… early stage 1… I just found out I'm pregnant about 8 minutes ago. I'm in between delighted and terrified. Now, how to tell the love of my life, my handsome husband, who is upstairs having a shower at this very second?

  • I'm a mix of 3 and 4. I'm getting out of breath easy and hate my maternity clothes, but my belly isn't as "poped" as others, because he's more side ways. It is also kind of sucky to be asked a million times a day how I am feeling, what are we naming the baby, and when I'm due. So yeah I can completely follow you on that. I'm almost 28 weeks now. 🙂

  • This past weekend, I was out and carrying around my newborn, 2 1/2 weeks old — my 3rd baby, who weighed 9lbs 12 oz at birth. (My first two, aged 4 years and 2 years, also weighed over 9.5 lbs.) ANYWAY, Someone patted my gut and asked if I was sure there wasn’t another one still in there. So I guess I’m in the stage where you still look pregnant enough for complete strangers to be complete asses. Actually, I think this transcends all stages for pregnant and post partum women….

  • I’m definitely a Stage 5- at the end of July, and I might could strangle the next person that says "I don’t know how you’re making it in this heat" (Alabama heat that is) and the answer is barely, dumbass. I’m staying inside and drinking water all day, which doesn’t help my bladder having to be emptied at least twice an hour. I am irritable, sleepy, and hungry, all the time, so please just stay out of my way.

  • Reading this article, reminds me of when I was at the stage one.
    What a beautiful world you know, when you were informed by the doctor that you’re pregnant.

    Especially when it comes to the first pregnancy..

    Well, it’s tiring, and I also scared. It’s common to the first timer..

  • I’m at 3.5; still bumpily cute but ready to maim the next person who gives me grief about waiting to see what’s incubating.
    Am thankful that I’m blond and leg hair looks a bit like shimmery body lotion because shaving’s already become a bi-weekly event.

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