Birthing Dolls

A reader told me about these birthing dolls and I had never heard of them.

It seems that these are made to help children (or clueless adults) understand how babies come into the world.

Part of me “gets it” but the other part of me thinks you’re just going to add to any confusion and/or possibly traumatize a kid with some of these.

All that aside, I’m sure it is very relaxing to crochet an umbilical chord.

Because everyone smiles with pert breasts throughout their labours.

I’m sorry, does this child have a bow in its wild tuffet of hair or are those just highlights?

The little snap mouth takes it to a strange S&M level for me.

If we’re going for a realistic birth experience, can we work on the teddy bear hip joints here? Again, there seems to be a bow happening in this infant’s hair.

With the dress done up, this would look like an average doll and no one would suspect that she’s rockin’ a slammin’ rack with a baby tucked in her vajaja like a prom secret.

So your placenta goes in a little cup while your baby snaps onto your turnip breast with a water birth?

I LOVE that someone felt a bra, hat and shoes were necessary for these dolls. You know, so it doesn’t get weird or anything.

A tiny hat so the naked baby doesn’t catch a chill.

Please tell me that this doll with the rocket boobs and 70s bush wasn’t presented to any child to explain birth – a therapy fund should be set aside for them in their late teens if it was. (I think this doll may also have a hernia. She may want to have that looked at by her Knittyologist)

Frankly, I find this Zombie Birthing doll the most accurate, as the nauseated mother looks like she’s yelling at her kid as its crawling off to break something.


As always, you’re welcome.

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  • That is so WEIRD stuff. I’m all for making sure your kids know the correct names of their body parts and have an actual understanding of how reproduction works at the appropriate age, but this looks like a scary version of a therapy doll. Not cool.

  • Oh my god, I’ve got tears running down my face from laughing. Zombie birthing doll. I wish I had found your blog while I was still pregnant. You are one helluva funny person. Thanks for making my day.

  • My mouth dropped open as I kept scrolling through to see the pics of these horrific dolls. I hope no child has seen any of these at all. Although, I loved reading her thoughts about the dolls, way too funny!

  • It may just be pregnancy hormones, but I have been laughing my ass off for about 10 minutes now… thank you so much for this! Brilliant!

  • My mom and aunt are always looking for new knitting projects. Maybe I can commission a birthing doll just to see if they would make one! These are hilarious.

  • My husband just asked me if I was ok…I laughed so hard I cried, and my sides are hurting so bad!

    I don’t think I could ever – ever use one of these dolls to teach a kid. I would rather use other means of explanation, such as have them see an animal give birth. These dolls are just scary to me!

  • I am scared, and scarred. Actually I'm breathless from laughing hysterically. Are these for real??

  • OH….dying with laughter. This made me remember that we have one of these at the facility I work at for people with disabilities. They use the doll to explain sex and procreation to people who have intellectual disabilities (that is the new pc term, in case you're wondering). I remember they pulled these dolls out (a male and female) in one of our classes and they were SCARY. Apparently, they have to hide them in a locked closet somewhere because individuals like to find them and "play" with them…. oh dear…

  • Okay… the birthing dolls, I sort of get. I'm HORRIFIED. But I get it… But WHAT is with the creepy cabbage patch reject MAN doll?? PLEASE tell people are not using these things to explain sex too?! I don't know whether to barf, laugh, or call child services…

  • Are we so divorced from the way that human beings come into the world that doll representations of them are somehow so disturbing that we think if a child sees them they will need therapy? Yes, babies come out of vaginas and are cut out of uteruses. Everyday. Around the world. Yes, women have hair down there. It's part of nature's design. Yes, there are umbilicial cords, and placentas. They are the physical connection between mother and child. They are beautiful by design because they nourish the babies, just like the breasts.

    Sorry if this sounds a bit hippie mama squatting in the woods….but there is such a disdain for women's birthing bodies in our culture. While I don't love every doll, I love the idea of these. Yes, I would buy one for my children to explain birth. Especially to prepare them if they were going to attend a home birth. Yes, people do this every day.

    All the children I know who saw their mamas pushing babies out of their vaginas grew up with a huge respect for women.

  • oh dear God i pray no one ever buys these things for their kids. you're not kidding about the therapy fund….. i can't even imagine the look on my kids' faces if i ever showed these to them. my daughter is asking me what i was laughing at as i looked at this post…. 'oh, um…..NOTHING. just let it go.'

  • So if you look really closely, the doll that's rocking the 70's bush actually looks like an alien. Under all that hair. Or maybe she is supposed to be an alien.
    @Manda – YES, GET A BIKINI WAX!
    …Because crusty blood and goop and junk just doesn't feel great when caught up in a bunch of post-birth pubic hair. Just saying.

    PS – my mom totally rocked a 70's bush. And no, she doesn't access the Internet.

  • I am busting up here! I teach childbirth education and try to take the serious out of it… and just when you think you hear it all, you have not. I think I will be spending hours on your site as well as following!

  • Perhaps these are what should be shown in Health class in high school? Forget any lectures about the consequences! Show these..umm, babies and you'll have every teenager scared straight! It will also help with population control because I'm sure the teens will grow up terrified to ever give birth for fear of a trap door opening in their stomach and the baby crawling out!

    Good God!

  • Wow. I've given birth three times and these disturbed ME. There's no way in hell I'd show my kids these dolls, esp. the ones that look like little kids but with fully adult hairy genitals. Scarred for life, they'd be. I laughed my head off in that carnival side show way…horrified but entertained. Thanks!!

  • Bloody hell, that'll do any kid for six and turn them off to the joys of the flesh for ever.

    When I was in the throes of labour with my first kid, the midwife asked me if I wanted to see him being born. I hollered back, "Are you f*cking kidding me? There's a reason I wasn't born with mirrors on my knees! No! A thousand times no, wummin!"

  • Gah! I did kint a pregnant doll while I was pregnant with my second baby but there was no exit for the baby, it was just a knitted doll with a big belly and it was made for me as a way to relax myself and think about labour and get all good-vibey. It's now in my daughter's memory box.
    But to make a doll where the baby pops out??? Unless it's anotomically accurate and used for childbirth education purposes, I don't understand!!!! Super funny.

  • It's just all sorts of wrong and now I am even more terrified to give birth. I hope I don't turn green and I am also now reflecting on whether or not a bikini wax is in order before the big day.

  • AHAHAHAHA… This is both REALLY AMUSING and TERRIFYING. I do love that the parent dolls kinda look like they were just quickly hooking up in the back of their dad's honda (don't take off your shoes, they might get lost under the seat!).
    I *think* these dolls might raise more questions then answers….

  • All I have to say is….oh my sweet lord! Who comes up with this stuff? And I LOVE your comments on these!!

  • Uhhhh…. I agree with the zombie mom representing most accurately, but good LORD, these things are just creepy.

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