Top Ten Things You Never Want to Hear During Childbirth

Ah, my love of the ladies at Rants from Mommyland never wanes especially after they sent me this little gem.

  • Wait. Oh. You said you wanted an epidural?
  • I’m bored. Can we watch TV?
  • Honey, I can’t wait until we can do this again.
  • You’re tired? Oh my GOD, I just got back from Vegas like two hours ago and I haven’t slept in days. Scalpel!
  • Hold on, let me just take this call…
  • This isn’t your first, huh?
  • That’s OK. I’m not really a doctor.
  • You really need to calm down, lady. People do this every day.
  • They told you there were two of them in there, right?
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  • The baby was crowning and the midwife called my husband in to look, and she asked him "what do you see?" He said "I have no idea what I’m looking at." ?
    She then asked if I wanted to look in a mirror and see, I said "no f-ing way."

  • They had been waiting on the Doctor to arrive, and when she called to say she was on her way, the nurse started to break down the bed, put my feet up, and immediately said, "Oh sh*t. That’s the head!" Then she went into the hall, called for a doctor, came back, told me to push and before I even could, my son slid out. The nurse and other nurse who had run in immediately looked around and asked each other, "Did the doctor make it in the room?"

  • while giving birth to my first, I requested an epideral that I had to wait 2 and a half hours on, only to see the guy wheel in the equipement, stop when his pager went off and looks up and says, "sorry, have to go to the ER" and wheels it all back out.

    They sent another guy from the shift that just started only to deaden just my left side, he completely missed my right side so they gave me an extra shot of demoral which dropped my heart rate and the baby’s so low they had to come in and put me on oxygen.

    After I was told I could start pushing, an intern got on his CELL PHONE and started calling other people to come watch me push my baby out of my vag, without asking permission and then proceeded to tell me, "you’re getting VIP treatment today!" then gets back on his phone, "yea we’re pushing if you want to come see…" needless to say, I had about 10 other people coming in to view me like a damn side show, in and out like clockwork while my hooha was spread to the world.

    Never again will I go back to that hospital…. ever.

  • Me being a first time mom… Doctor says, "First time mom’s can push for only minutes, and pop, there’s a baby! haha, but most, they push for HOURS." Made even sweeter by her dutch accent.

  • After induction and ten hours of pushing, Little Sh** was not coming out so they did a C-section and while she was pulling him out exclaimed, "Oh My God!" The broad waited until I had shrieked "What’s wrong?" and she said, "Look at all that hair!" Yeah, I swore at her.

  • Alone with my hubby in the birth tub. He looks down, gets an alarmed look on his face and says "ummm… there’s something coming out. Should I get the midwife?" haha

  • Immediately after Sweet Pea is out, and they are lifting her up off my nether regions: Jnr Ob "Wow, you don't see that every day!"
    Snr Ob "Yeah – lucky baby!"
    I'm lying there with the sheet up between me and them (can't see a thing), thinking "WTF!!!"
    Turns out she had a true knot in her cord that only started to tighten up and close as they removed her from me.

  • My daughter decided to come a month early, while I was on holiday. So as I'm giving birth in the emergency room of a hospital without a maternity ward I hear a nurse ask "do we have anything to put te baby on??!"

  • Hm. I heard the 2nd one and 8th one from my ex-husband. Two of many, many reasons he's an EX-husband!

    And to add to the list: We don't know why you're so sick so suddenly (spiked a fever during labor), but we need to get this baby out now.
    Followed by (for the week after the birth, when we were both still in the hospital, baby in NICU): We don't know what's going on or what you both have. So we're just going to give you lots of antibiotics and hopefully it will work.

  • My OB told me repeatedly that the best way to avoid any interventions during birth was "lots of sex and orgasms. Good ones."

    Upon noting that I had yet to get hemorroids, he me at my 38 week appointment that I have a "magical butt."

    He advised us to avoid sex for 6 weeks post partum (his actual words were, "no sex. nothing in the vagina." Like what the hell would I think about sticking up there after birthing a 9 lb. 8 oz. baby?)

    At our 2 week post natal appointment he said I have a "super vagina" because I'd healed so well. But he still advised, "No sex, though. You can do other stuff. But NOT the rectum!" Ok, doc.

  • i was induced with my first, he went transverse and then flipped back so they wanted to get him out before he could flip again. after 48 hours of pitocen and 2 rounds of cervadil, i still was only dilated about 1.5, to which my ob said "you have a cervix of steel!" fabulous. just what i always wanted, a trap door through which no child can escape. needless to say that l&d ended in a c-section.

  • I had a forceps delivery with my first that resulted in an episiotomy and 4th degree tearing. The next day the nurse who was checking my stitches brought another nurse with her and said, "this is Mary, I just want her to take a look because she's never seen THIS MANY stitches before!". Awesome. Take a photo.

  • Right after I announced I was pregnant, about 5 different friends sent me to to scare the crap out of me. LOL

  • When I reached 9.5cm dilated without establishing regular contractions, I heard "I've never seen that before…in all my years…" Over and over again to everyone who came in the room to double check until my partner had to tell the midwife to shut up. I had no desire to be an exceptional case at that stage in the birth of my first child!

  • during the getting me ready for my first c section i was in not a good place … holy shit imma gonna be a mom!!!!!! the LD nurse said ure in great hands fifi the head OR nurse is awesome. great im leaving my body in the hands of someone named after a poodle! 2nd c section there was a new floater nurse who was to take my 2nd son back up the the nursery and the OR said whos that never met her b4…. great my child is going to be stolen and i cant feel my legs!

  • When my Dr was called after I was in labor, I heard her tell the nurse SEE IF SHE CAN WAIT "UNTIL MURDER SHE WROTE" IS OVER.

    And months afterward, her announcing HEY, YOU GREW BACK TOGETHER!

    I switched to a midwife for #2

  • As a practicing midwife, and frequent "catcher of babies", we learn to TRY to avoid saying certain things during the labor and birth. Such as, "whoa, I've never seen THAT before!", or "oops", or "holy crap", etc etc. Some providers have a harder time with that "filter" than others. And when you do it every day, it's hard to remember that what you say can have a lasting effect on women– it's such an impressionable time! I recently had a second time mom, who pushed REALLY fast this time around. When I told her, "he's right there" (to reassure her), she yelled, "but you told me that for TWO HOURS last time!"…..tee hee. That'll teach me!!!

  • During labour,with my first child after 8 hours of really rather painful contactions on my own while the midwife sat and read a paper,she momentarily looked up from whatever drivel she was reading to say "dont be so silly,it doesnt hurt that much" if i hadn't been half naked and squatting on a bed,she'd have been eating lino…

  • After pushing for 2 hours, my son wasn't going anywhere. During the c-section, my doctor asked "Who's going to push him back up?". Lovely.

  • While getting stitches (it took an hour) after giving birth to my first, my midwife states that "it's like sewing a quilt." Awesome.

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