Awake Training Poem – an Ode to No Sleep

The Awake Training Poem is a funny poem for parents about getting a baby to sleep during the early months of a newborns life

He will not sleep in a bed, he will not sleep upon his head.
He will not sleep in a crib, he will not sleep – I do not fib.

Not in a car, not in a boat, not in a fluffy winter coat.

He will not sleep in my arms, he will not sleep to his daddy’s charms.
He will not sleep after crying, he will not sleep – you think I’m lying?

Not in a pram, not on a tram, not in an afternoon traffic jam.

He will not sleep on my boob, he will not sleep whilst watching the tube.
He will not sleep with the blankets I bought, he will not sleep – I kid you not.

Not if I wear him, not if I bounce him, not if I pray to the sleep gods above him.

I’ve given him baths, I’ve offered him cash.I promised a pony, a puppy, an Ivy League school – I told him I’d always be there to wipe up his drool.

It’s been 13 months and he’s awake every two hours.
Do I get a medal, a diamond, some flowers?

Please tell me it’ll get better, please help me keep my head.
Aww fuck it, he’s up.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Related: I Read All The Baby Sleep Books So You Don’t Have To

Topics:Sleep, Stories
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  • This was hilarious until the last 5 lines where I actually teared up.

    I can relate, my son was up every two hours until he was 15 months old.

    He’s 19 months now and some magic happened where he sleeps most (ish) of most nights and also doesn’t want to be rocked to sleep anymore. I cannot take any credit for this..but we lay him awake in his crib and that’s that.

    Sending you some hopeful vibes from one tired mama to another. You got this!

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