Clever Pregnancy Comebacks

“You’re huge!”

  • I know!! It’s like I’m growing a whole baby or something!
  • Holy shit, you too!
  • I don’t know why either, all I consume these days is cocaine and Diet Sprite. Weird, eh?

 

“Don’t you know what causes that?”

  • Public pools, right?
  • Yes, fucking.
  • Why are you asking? Can’t you remember?

“How many more babies are you going to have?”

  • Somewhere between one and 47.
  • It depends on how many we sell.
  • We plan to keep going until we have an ugly one.

 

“You’re not going to find out the sex? But don’t you want to know? It would… drive me crazy!”

  • Well, that’s a short drive anyway, isn’t it?
  • It wouldn’t matter anyway because we’re naming it Thermos the Third whether it’s a boy OR a girl.
  • I’m kind of hoping it’s neither and it’s just gas.

 

“Should you be eating that?”

  • Well, seeing as you’re already eating your foot, I figured I may as well eat this.
  • No, I should be eating lots of it.
  • Why, because you think it’s as dangerous as asking me that question?

“Feeling fat yet?”

  • Whoa, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How weird is that?!
  • That’s right. Feelin’ phat with a “ph”, Hooker.
  • You feelin’ lucky, Punk?

 

“You still haven’t had that baby yet?”

  • I’m trying to hold it in so I can finish a novel I’m working on.
  • Oh, I had it, I just left it in the car today.
  • Assholethatstatestheobvioussayswhat?
  • Don’t worry; you will know when your husband starts paying child support.
  • I had it yesterday but I’m trying to shoplift this basketball so could you bugger off?

“You better sleep now because once that baby gets here…”

  • Why!? Don’t they sleep?! Next you’ll tell me they poop too.
  • (lower your voice then say) Actually, I don’t sleep now. I just sneak into your bedroom and watch you sleep. You sleep like an angel. My secret, dirty, little angel.
  • Sleep is for pussies and ugly people.

 

“Was this an accident?”

  • Were you?
  • As much of an accident as if I fired out and punched you in the face right now.
  • Yes! I tripped and fell on a dick.

 

“You’re so small!”

  • A really heavy person said that to me yesterday too. I guess it’s all relative.
  • I had my internal organs removed so I wouldn’t have to buy bigger pants.
  • I know. I can still deliver a clean roundhouse to someone’s face. Isn’t that great?

 

 

Are you sure you’re not having twins?! You’re so big!

  • Shhh, it’s actually a litter of puppies but don’t tell anyone yet.
  • No, I actually have a condition called “Ur-a-dick”. Google it. It’s spelled the way it sounds.
  • Did you say “twins” or “violins”? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.

 

“Is the nursery ready?”

  • No, the baby isn’t going to be staying with us.
  • Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
  • Sort of, we’re just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.

 

“You must have wanted a girl/boy instead”

  • Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
  • Yes, I’m having a custom t-shirt made that says “I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl”.
  • I’ll just trade it for something else in the hospital.

 

“You’re just hormonal.”

  • Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
  • “I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn’t mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil.”
  • I think you mean “ormornal”. The “h” is silent when you’re speaking in moron.

“How are you going to handle another one?!”

  • We’re selling the oldest one on eBay.
  • Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
  • I just won’t pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.

 

“How ya feeling?” (with a head tilt).

  • I don’t know, I’m still a little drunk.
  • Strangely violent today.
  • It’s funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).

 

“You should NOT be drinking caffeine.”

(or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that’s none of their damn business).

  • Oh my gosh, Th…ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
  • The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don’t fuck with the Voices.
  • Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
  • You shouldn’t be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn’t bring that to your attention.
  • This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
  • It’s not caffeine. It’s doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
  • You’re right, tequila is better.
  • Fuck off.

Related: Clever Pregnancy Comebacks : Multiples Edition
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62 Comments

  • Are there some comebacks for the postpartum body? Because I already got a comment “your still so huge, never thought you’ll get so huge, ” and people talking how I will lose my weight and giving advice without being asked for and I’m not worrying about it, I don’t have time, I’m just enjoying my baby and trying my best to “survive” the day and still enjoy the baby…and I really want to go on a trip to my birthcountry ( Serbia) ( I live in Belgium) but my inlaws are there, and everybody will comment my body so I need some tools/comebacks to survive and still enjoy the trip, I hate to even have to give comebacks, can’t people just keep their thoughts for,themselves and be nice! Thank you! Love your site, it helped me during my pregnancy a lot! Kisses a mother of a month old baby boy!

  • When I’m asked what I’m going to name my little girl I say I know for sure I don’t want it to be a stripper name because I don’t want to take the fun out of her coming up with her own later on.

  • Yes! We are not finding out the sex because, to us, it seems so much more exciting and fun this way. To us. I judge not others who do find out the sex.

    But I want to slap the next person who says, "Oh, there’s NO WAY I could not find out. I’m such a PLANNER!" Why, thank you for letting me know. Since I am totally winging this and planning nothing AT ALL. Ha! I mean, really, the ONLY thing we can’t plan at this point are outfits (which everyone ends up buying for you anyway, right?!) It’s actually kind of freeing not knowing. Plus, if baby #2 is the opposite sex, we already have a plethora of gender-neutral items (which include gorgeous shades of turquoise, yellow, gray, etc.).

  • When my partner foolishly said to me, "your butt is getting bigger" without a thought i responded with "and your brain is getting smaller!" Still makes me smile 🙂 Also "omg when are you due?" I always with reply with "oh, this is just cake actually…"

  • Alright, this is hilarious. I’d like to say I’m not guilty of asking any of these but I totally am, out of a pure heart and needing a conversation starter. As a woman without kids (yet!), I would love to see an appropriate list of questions to ask pregnant ladies that don’t make us look rude or ignorant 🙂 I love your blog!

  • Haha, awesome! I was out a month or so ago and a total stranger looked at me and said, "It’s been a while since you hit the gym." All I could come back with was, "Well, I’ll just tell the baby to stop growing, eh?"

  • First, intensely awesome blog. I am 35 weeks as a FTM, and surprisingly, I haven’t really heard too many rude or awkward comments from people, most say REALLY nice things. Also, it doesn’t bother me at all when people ask about the gender or even names. In regards to names, I’ll just lie and say "we aren’t sure yet" or I like to say we’re naming our boy after some NFL players, like "Keyshawn" or "Vonta" (we’re Jews).

    I will say this, my dad, as much as I love him, and he is a good guy, is a big goof and can be really crass with jokes, especially when there are other people around and he wants to show off his "humor". On multiple occasions he’s said when I walked in the door to greet him, "Gee, you look pregnant!" I’m like– WTF does that even mean? I am not a self conscious pregnant woman by any means, but it’s just a stupid, weird comment. I could never think of a comeback, mostly because he’s my Dad and I know he means well. Thank g-d he’s stopped saying it!

    Also, I’d like to add that sometimes, especially women, often say the opposite of "your so big". Women tell me all the time that I’m carrying so small, and for a while, it kind of worried me. But, the doctor assured me that all is well. I guess mentioning ANY size can be bothersome.

  • I’m kind of a grotesque person so when someone asks if I’m pregnant I say "well I WAS but then I found this stash of metal coat hangers". Shuts damn near everybody up.

  • My tops 3:
    -> "Great you are expected twins" (humm nooo!! just one, yes I know I am huge)
    -> "When will you be better/recover" (humm!! I am not ill, I am just pregnant..9 months???)
    -> just came out of the hospital with a newborn and one guy told me "wouahhh you have a newborn and you are pregnant again"!!!

  • Oh! I need some for "Pregnancy Braaaiiinnn!" Like:

    – Well, at least it’s better than yours on a good day.

    – You mean the hightened sense of awareness?

    – I have TWO brains in my body right now, how many do you have?

  • To the "oh my gosh! You’re huge!" comments or "It must be twins!" comments, I have just told everyone (truthfully) that I have a large tumor in the front of my uterus that is in there with the baby. That shuts them up EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    🙂

  • An unpregnant coworker has been making fat comments to me as I have recently started showing. I am fe d up so when she said to me today "Phew! I’m not the only one getting fat" , I responded with "At least I have an excuse."

  • I have twins, so we get lots of comments. Mostly: Are they twins? Are they identical? (They are identical twin boys, which leads to probably the most asked question: How can you tell them apart?) Do twins run in your family?

    I have never used the following come-back in person, but I have online. Generally for
    "Do twins run in your family" or "Did you use fertility treatments"?
    No, we just had sex twice that night. 🙂

    *No one has ever asked me about fertility treatments, but I know of parents of multiples who have been asked that question.

  • "Holy shit, you too!" – wish I had thought of that one!

    On the flip side, someone I hadn’t seen in a while said to me "I know what YOU’VE been doing!" – I couldn’t stop laughing!

  • I LOVE IT! And the shit you too one to the you’re huge is freaking epic…I shall be using this one and just blame it on hormones 😉

  • i had a coworker out on medical leave for a week come back and tell me ‘wow, you’ve gotten big!’
    i zinged, ‘ funny, i was going to say the same thing to you.’
    didn’t talk to me for another week.

  • Whenever my husband's parents got asked "what are you going to name him"? They would always respond with Darth (as in "Vader"). It had some people pretty upset too. Unfortunatly, they said it so much, they decided they liked that much better than Anthony, and named him Darth!!!! LOL

  • "What are you having???… Kittens" I love this one!!! I have a 4 month old and old ladies at the store always see her and ask "What do we have here???" and in my head I say "An elephant" every time, But I don't want to be rude so I just smile.

  • I would LOVE to hear some more comebacks to people who have dumbass things to say about not finding out the sex. My husband and I are waiting for the Big Reveal at birth and people's reactions are nuts. You would think we were neglecting the child already by not knowing whether to use pink or blue. "How are you going to buy anything?" is one of my favorite questions.

  • When I was pregnant with my twins I loved when people asked me what I hoped they would be and I would reply "Hopefully my husbands!". That really got those nosey people out of my business! LOL. I got a lot of stupid, nosey, and sometimes downright rude questions asked all the time by complet strangers. Probably the most annoying and rude question was "Did you have help conceiving?" which I would reply, "Nope I went to sleep one night and woke up like this".

  • Seriously, I love these… There's one person at work that keeps making comments whenever I eat … I will sincerely use one of those lol

  • Hilarious. I wish I had thought of a few of these while I was pregnant, though we're trying for #2 now…so I'll keep them in mind. Perhaps there is a 'new mommy' website somewhere out there with retorts to stupid questions about the new baby. Like when you go somewhere by yourself for once, and everyone asks, "Where's the BABY???" As if I'm not allowed to do anything without the baby. I always like to say, "I left her in the car, but the window's open just a little. She was tired after being in the bar with me for so long."

  • To the name question I tend to answer "/my name/ Junior". I am obviously a woman and the baby is a girl, so I get a lot of blank stares. To which I say: "Well, it's not just the men who get to do this…. Equal rights, you know!"

  • As for the name thing, our current joke name is Banjo Tennessee… then we also mention we're considering Bash, Axel, or Saber (you know, because he needs a good rock star name if he's going to make it). Our other tactic is to reply to the person and say 'we really like [insert name of person asking]' Always gets a laugh

  • I have four kids and got this a lot. My two favorite answers to the oh so witty Don't you know what causes tha?t: "No! Can you explain it to me?" or "Yep! And my husband is realllllly good at it!"
    And the perpetual Is it a boy or girl:? "Yep." Then when they would look blankly at me I would say "You are correct, its either a boy or a girl."
    I made up names too for when people asked, and tried to keep it crazy but possible, just because it was amusing to see them try to say something nice after being so nosy. Trixie for a girl, Axel for a boy were my go to names, but sometimes I would use Rosie O'Donnel (our last name) or Tom Brokaw (our last name) and then gush about how much I loved them and wanted my kid to grow up to be just like them. So funny.

  • My husband works at a bank, and whenever he would mention that we were having our second child, and a coworker/customer would ask him, "So, what is it?" he would just say with the most deadpan expression, "Human." And then after a moment, he'd add the equally deadpan afterthought, "I hope." 😀

  • Love love love this! Thanks! I'm going to store away… we did find out the baby's sex, but before that when people asked me, what are you having, I was like, well, we did have an early ultrasound and it ruled out puppies and kittens. Definitely looks humanoid, though I'm not sure that chimp is out of the running…

  • When I was pregnant, on two separate occassions, complete strangers stopped and asked me "how many?". Yes, I was huge, but there was only one baby. The first time it happened I was in shock, I stood there frozen, my mouth wide open, just glaring at him. He must have seen the tears well up, because he turned and ran. The second time (you would think I would have come up with something snappy by the second time, but I really was giving the first guy the benefit of the doubt – that surely he was the only ignoramus that would ever have the gall to ask that – boy was I wrong)! Please someone give me a good response to that one, so I'm ready next time!

  • One I got buying groceries while pregnant was the barely-post-teenage cretin behind the register pointing to my beer purchase and saying, "That's not for you is it?" It was for my husband, of course, but WTF? What if it had been for me? What was she going to do about it? Naturally any/all snappy responses came to my head long after I'd left the store.

  • These are the greatest. I've never had the guts to actually say anything to anyone before but I might just have to try these. Maybe if people realize they are being ass holes, they might shut their mouths.

  • Oh Amanda, we've all asked them so don't feel bad. I think it's more the context and who it is that's doing the asking that makes the difference. I could have someone tell me I looked huge and it wouldn't bother me because I knew it was coming from a kind place and other people that would say "You look great" and I would think "Well, don't sound so fucking surprised".

  • oh my, I feel like an asshat; I've said some of these to people (not the REAALY terrible ones; I'd never tell a pregnant woman she "looks huge!") So, to pregnant women everywhere: My apologies, and I promise to be better in the future. 😀

    Also, I <3 "Depends on how many we sell."

  • So funny. How about a response to "you got twins in there ? Are you sure ?"

    And also for all the post partum ladies who get asked if they're pregnant again. Or is it just me? I'm like, I've had 3 almost 10 pounders in 5 years. And the youngest is 6 months. I've been pregnant and /or breastfeeding since 2004. So my body hadn't recovered like Heidi Klum. Thanks for pointing it out bc I hadn't felt like shit yet today.

  • LOL I'm going to start using "Thermos the Third" since every time I tell a woman we're naming the baby Edward they ask if I'm naming him after that vampire in the teen movie. Um.. No… It is a pretty popular name anyways…

  • When we already had 2 boys and were expecting our third, people seemed to love to say,"Ah! Trying for a girl?!" To which I could only respond, "Well, we are just hoping for a baby, preferably human."

  • "Thermos the Third"…."It's just gas"…..I laughed so hard I almost choked on my very fatty yogurt!! Oh, I hope you have more of these comments swimming around in your mind. I don't think I could ever say any of them (I'm just way too nice), but I think them sometimes!

  • Oh, how I love this blog. Just sad I didn't discover it during my first pregnancy. Writing a couple of these gems down for future use. Thanks for the ammo!

  • LOVE this post.
    What about for 'how are you feeling?' That question gets asked WAY too many times.
    And since I have three boys and baby4 coming this summer this question has become popular [and annoying] – 'Do you want a girl?' Doesn't matter what I want! It's not like I put in the request box!

  • How about: "What are you going to name him?!", especially from total strangers. I'm dying to come up with a smartass comeback for that one. My husband's been saying Trebuchet… but I can't do it with a straight face!

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