Motherhood: Oh, The Irony!

 

Every now and then I reflect on my life and realize things never quite go as expected in this crazy journey of parenthood. It’s more than a little ironic…being a mommy is seriously one mindf**k after another. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.

I count the minutes, even seconds, until bedtime but once I’ve tucked them in, I kind of miss them. What the f**k is up with that?

I pray for my children to sleep past 7:30am every single day. And on the rare occasion that it happens, I lay in bed worrying why they aren’t stirring, ruining my opportunity to snooze a little longer. But why aren’t they up? The sun has been up for like 20 minutes. Are they breathing? Are they getting sick? Have they been kidnapped by intruders? Will sleeping in ruin their afternoon naps? Maybe I should go wake them.

My child won’t eat homemade pancakes, but he’ll sample dog food and munch on his own boogers.

All I want is 5 minutes of silence. When silence finally happens, dread fills my stomach and I yell like a maniac for my child to answer me. Moment of silence over.

Despite complaining about Caillou and Mickey Mouse, I go about my day humming “Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog” and “I’m just a boy who’s four; each day I learn some more.”

I work out harder than ever lifting dead-weight toddlers and heavy ass car seats and my toddler eats everything on my plate (nothing on his), but somehow my ass and stomach look flabbier and flabbier.

I struggle to get my toddler dressed for hours to make them look presentable and clean when we venture out of the home. Meanwhile, I’ve been wearing the same yoga pants for the past 6 months in public.

Since bringing a child into this world, I have a much greater respect and appreciation for human life. Too bad I’m so tired…makes me avoid being around human life.

I didn’t sleep last night (again) and I feel downright dazed and a bit like death today. My baby was up all night crying (again) and she’s downright perky this morning. What gives tiny person with superhuman lungs?

I love being with my kids but I fantasize about being alone all the time.

My love life has taken a nosedive but I’ve never seen so much penis in my life thanks to my toddler son.

Minutes last an eternity in the Target checkout line with my kids yelling. It feels like time literally stops. Later at home I check out Timehop and see a pic of my baby from two years ago and start to weep because my baby is no longer a baby. WTF. Time moves way too fast. The minutes go by in the blink of an eye.

Confused yet? So am I.

Why is it that now that I have to buy more groceries and stuff than ever before, my cart has hardly any room because of my growing children?

The day I birthed my firstborn I developed bionic hearing. With a white noise machine on the highest volume and earplugs securely in, I’m still awakened by the sound of a feather hitting the floor down the hall. I am a mother and I hear everything. But funny how no one hears me now. I bellow at the top of my lungs and the only response I get is “Huh?” or “Did you say something, Mommy?”

My kids mostly exist in only a diaper or underwear. But somehow there’s infinite loads of laundry to be done. #defyinglogic

Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

 

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Motherhood: Oh, The Irony!

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