Stages of Pregnancy

 

00010994_medium

Stage 1:

You just found out you’re pregnant. You’re excited (or horrified) and you can’t believe you’re going to be a mother. You may be scared to give birth and wonder how you’re going to do it. Everywhere you look you see pregnant women. You’re tired. Like really tired. Every pain and twinge you wonder if it’s because you’re pregnant. You wonder if people can tell that you’re pregnant – sort of like when you wonder if people can tell if you’re drunk (hopefully, you aren’t wondering this at the same time).

Stage 2:

You look fat but not pregnant. You can see people kind of looking at you wondering but it seems weird to blurt out “I’m pregnant!”  You may or may not have told people by now. The people you’ve told ask you how you’re feeling all the time. You may have bought a couple of maternity things that you think you can wear after the baby comes. You may be tired, sick, have sore boobs and have to pee constantly. It’s a delicious luck of the draw.

Stage 3:

You’re really cute and could be an ad for a maternity store. Everyone can see that you’re pregnant and congratulate you and tell you how wonderful you look. You feel great. Nothing hurts and you don’t feel sick anymore. This stage usually lasts for about 27 minutes.

Stage 4:

You’re starting to find it hard to breathe and things are starting to swell. You’re sick of people asking you if you know what you’re having, when you’re due and if you’ve decided on a name. You’re tired of wearing the same maternity clothes but you don’t want to buy new stuff because you’re almost done. Shaving your legs, putting shoes and tending to your lady bits is becoming difficult.

Stage 5:

You feel enormous and none of your maternity clothes fit. You want to crash through walls and shout “oh yeah!” like the KoolAid man. People keep saying “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” You have a new appreciation for how difficult it is for the elderly and morbidly obese to get around and swear you’re going to become an advocate for their rights once you catch your breath. You’re no longer scared of birth you just want this kid out of you and if that means pulling it through your right nostril, so be it.

Stage 6:

The baby is here. You want to burn your maternity clothes on the front lawn. You’re no longer pregnant and you’re looking forward to getting your body back, a full night’s sleep and eating a nice, hot meal. Wait. What?

Did I miss one? What stage are you at?

Tags from the story
,
More from Amy Morrison

100 Great Gifts Ideas for Babies Under One

If you have a baby you’re going to be asked about gift...
Read More

You May Also Like

61 Comments

  • I’m in stage “Leave me the fuck alone.” You’re a fucking sick bastard to ask me if I’ll breastfeed. Another thing, what business is it of yours to ask if I’ll work after I have the baby? Are you going to pay my bills if I don’t go back to work?? Small talk is bullshit. Everything gets on my nerves. Oh and, I’m also in stage “I wake up every damn morning hoping for it to be nighttime so I can go back to sleep.” Plus, I’m scared my kooter is going to crack in half from the pain of the weight of carrying this child.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.