Pregnant Woman’s Guide to Thanksgiving

Many pregnancy sites are creating lists of foods you should avoid this thanksgiving such as under cooked turkey, leftovers that have been sitting at room temperature and avoiding caffeine.

Why thank you. I would never have thought to eat a fully cooked turkey and you can snack on a bowl full of dicks if you think I’m not eating the leftovers sitting on the counter or having coffee while everyone around me is getting smashed. 

So I thought I would come up with a truly helpful list of tips to help a pregnant woman through this festive season.

1. Go hungry.

This is the time for you to put the hammer down, Lady. Make that dinner count.

 

2. Take Tums.

Nothing is worse than being stuffed with heartburn so prepare for the heavy lifting of dinner (see above).

 

3. Dress in layers.

I don’t care where you live, houses cooking dinner get hot and you are probably running around like a Brazilian steel worker. So be prepared to strip down to accommodate the heat and the belly gravy spills (Bitch, please. I’ve been there.)

 

4. If you notice the bathroom is available, go.

You don’t want to have to pee after Uncle Mike’s been in there.

 

5. Take a note pad and pen.

Chances are, you are going to be the designated driver for the evening so keep an ear open for the little drunken tidbits that will drop. Ask who was the favourite of all the siblings. Or why Aunt Mary and Aunt Betty didn’t talk. The pandora’s box of family secrets is about to unfold.

 

6. Hide a fork. 

That way you can still have pie if all the dishes are dirty.

 

7. Cash in on the “frail pregnant woman” myth.

Help with the clean up for a couple of minutes then hold the edge of the counter and say, “Whew, I feel lightheaded all of a sudden.” Then go sit down.

 

8. Wear slippers. 

So if you want to step outside you don’t have to bend down to put on your shoes. 

 

9. Sit strategically.

Sit somewhere close to the exit so you don’t have navigate through a bunch of stuff that you could trip over in front of the entire family. Don’t become a family story, dammit.

 

10. Create a fall buffer.

When you leave, make your husband walk down the stairs in front of you so if you wipe out in your stuffed piñata state, he’ll cushion your fall.

See, isn’t that more helpful than non-alcoholic ginger ale recipes?! I think yes!

Happy thanksgiving my, habanero hot hookers. I am truly thankful for all of you.

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36 Comments

  • Your posts are hilarious. There are so many articles and blogs about how hard it is to be a mom and how much it sucks, it’s nice to actually laugh at a post!

  • I love your posts. I started reading when I was early in my first trimester and I now that munchkin is 9 months, I just can't stop reading, and last year I think I may have done all of these things. 🙂 And I love the "Habanero Hot Hookers" I may have to use that somewhere!

  • i love you.
    just getting to see my last 7 mo. of hell reflected in your posts makes it all worth it. f#$%ing HI-lArious.

  • I just found this site and I love it! I am only about 3 months pregnant with twins but I have been so scared by everything I read when I'm just trying to get some reassurance and support! This site is perfect. AND you have the best sense of humour!

  • So funny! I can personally say that yesterday I did #'s 2,3,4,6,7, and 8. At 8 months pregnant I tend to use every kind of excuse I can to go lay my big self down somewhere. Wish I would of read this yesterday but I was so excited for dinner I forgot my purse at home but managed to grab some left over containers. Go figure…

  • I agree with Jen! Although, unfortunately, during my thanksgiving I was still in the puky stage of pregnancy and could hardly stomach the (cooked) turkey 😉 Those of you that are having it now, ENJOY IT, cause I'm jealous!

  • Why oh why did you not post this before OUR Thanksgiving up here in the Great White North?!? Truly pithy advice… Coulda used it in spades back in October!

  • Wow, you sound like me and my sister. We also can't suffer fools and swear like sailors. I've been reading your blog for the last couple of days, and I'm totally addicted! From one habanero hot hooker to another, Happy Thanksgiving! 🙂

  • "Why thank you. I would never have thought to eat a fully cooked turkey and you can snack on a bowl full of dicks if you think I'm not eating the leftovers sitting on the counter or having coffee while everyone around me is getting smashed. "

    :sigh: I love you.

    I just read an article like this yesterday. It basically said, don't get drunk and eat a raw turkey. Such sage advice that I would never have thought of on my own.

  • Love your posts! So great! Sharing with my pregnant friends, right now 🙂
    Got anything good for bringing a 1 month old to a TG celebration!?

    you rock!

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