Clever Pregnancy Comebacks : Part Three

Here is the final installment of the Clever Comebacks!

Thanks to the peeps on Facebook who helped me with the “caffeine” comebacks – all I could think of was “fuck off”.

 

Are you sure you’re not having twins?! You’re so big!

  • Shhh, it’s actually a litter of puppies but don’t tell anyone yet.
  • No, I actually have a condition called “Ur-a-dick”. Google it. It’s spelled the way it sounds.
  • Did you say “twins” or “violins”? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.

 

“Is the nursery ready?”

  • No, the baby isn’t going to be staying with us.
  • Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
  • Sort of, we’re just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.

 

“You must have wanted a girl/boy instead”

  • Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
  • Yes, I’m having a custom t-shirt made that says “I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl”.
  • I’ll just trade it for something else in the hospital.

 

“You’re just hormonal.”

  • Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
  • “I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn’t mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil.”
  • I think you mean “ormornal”. The “h” is silent when you’re speaking in moron.

 

“How are you going to handle another one?!”

  • We’re selling the oldest one on eBay.
  • Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
  • I just won’t pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.

 

How ya feeling? (with a head tilt).

  • I don’t know, I’m still a little drunk.
  • Strangely violent today.
  • It’s funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).

 

“You should NOT be drinking caffeine.”

(or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that’s none of their damn business).

  • Oh my gosh, Th…ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
  • The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don’t fuck with the Voices.
  • Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
  • You shouldn’t be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn’t bring that to your attention.
  • This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
  • It’s not caffeine. It’s doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
  • You’re right, tequila is better.
  • Fuck off.

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229 Comments

  • seriously, hands down pregnant chicken is the BEST!!! Thank you for continuing to know exactly how I feel and make me laugh so hard.

  • Ok I’m not even pregnant but I want that shirt!!!! Also hoping for a unicorn!!
    Ok so I found my friends old preg test(the stick) while helping her unpack her house (she had just moved) so I put the test on her husbands side of the double sink in their bathroom well he sees It just like I think he will asks my friend what’s this?!….. My friend was like oh it was (me) next day she finds out ooppps she is pregnant!!! Lol I jinxed that!! I simply asked if she was happy? Said yes I said I’m happy for you then! End of story no need to make silly comments haha

  • "you should not be having caffeine."

    • I know but I don’t know how else I am going to make it through this day with this goddamn hangover.

    "did you want a boy/girl."
    – it doesn’t matter. the people we are selling it to said they would take either.

  • My friend and I have a lot of comebacks for "Are you trying for kids?" or "Do you want kids" or "How is it going, I know you want kids" or "was it planned?"
    1) How is your weight loss going….
    2) How much money is in your bank account?
    3) When was the last time you had sex?
    4) When are you going to drop those pounds around your waist?

    And, when they look shocked at your question:
    "Oh, are we not asking really personal/innappropriate questions, now? I thought that’s what we were doing?"

  • I’ve never been pregnant, but when I was sixteen yes SIXTEEN and admittedly overweight, I threw up at the fair due a mix of too many roller coasters and fair food. Living in the deep south, I had an elderly man in nothing but beat up overalls and crocks walk up and say, "Ya’ know ya’ shoul’n’t ride dem things when yar preggers." I looked him right in the eye and said "But it’s so much cheaper than an abortion." The look on his face almost made up for the crushing blow being called pregnant had on my already low teenage self-esteem.

  • I love the comebacks to how are you gonna handle another one, I’m on my 3rd, everyone knows it was unplanned so they constantly have to remind me how hard I already have it, being a single mom of 2, which is just great for my hormonal rollercoaster. (insert sarcasm) All I could say was I don’t know while looking downward like a chastised schoolkid.

  • You should put one on here for when people say, "oh you’re so small it doesn’t even look like you’re pregnant!" Ummmm hello! Just because I’m not obese! Why can’t people just keep stupid comments to themselves?!

  • I have heard the 'Are you sure you're not having twins" quite a few times now. It's super frustrating, but now I have my ammunition! 🙂

  • I had a doozie comment last week from a coworker. She came into my office and saw I had a Reese PB cup package in my garbage from the day before. She pointed at it and said "what is that." I said a chocolate bar. Then she told me I shouldn't be eating empty calories. Then she gave me a lecture for the granola bar I was currently eating.

    So then I did what I shouldn't have done. I defended myself. (I should have ignored her and given her a rude comment) I told her my doctor says my weight gain is fine and that Im well in my range from my starting weight. Then she wanted to debate the medical standards about how much women should gain????

    Later the same day she saw me leave for my coffee break and reminded me not to eat chocolate and called herself the chocolate police!!! That was twice in one day I was being told what to eat by a coworker and also basically being told I was too fat to eat a little junk. I was so hurt and angry. Now I just avoid her. What I eat is none of you business!

    • I am pretty sure that denying a pregnant woman chocolate is something for which homicide should be excusable.

      Officer: Ma’am, we’ve had a report that your coworker was last seen in your office.
      You: I’ve heard that as well.
      Officer: No one has seen her since.
      You: I’m sure there’s a good reason for that.
      Officer: Mind if we search your office?
      You: Go ahead. Nothing to hide here.
      A few seconds later-
      Officer: Ma’am, there’s a leg sticking out of your closet.
      You: I know.
      Officer: I’m afraid that’s mighty suspicious. I’m going to have to take you down to the station.
      You: I’m pregnant.
      Officer: And…?
      You: She tried to stop me from eating chocolate. Lectured me. Called herself the chocolate police.
      Officer: Ah. A self defence case. We’ll just clean this up then and let you get back to your day.

  • I'm glad to see I'm not the only one getting frustrated with these comments & questions. It really takes everything I have not to whip out my pocket knife & slice some people! I've lost count of how many times my stepmom has said, "Are you sure there's only one in there?" No…I'm not. I've only had 4 or 5 ultrasounds, but I'm not sure it's only one yet, sorry. *Insert eye roll* Oh & my favorite is, "You're huge!" Hmmm, thanks? My husband insisted that the next time she says it I should tell her she's huge as well. As much as I'd love to, she IS actually huge so it's probably best I bite my tonuge. Another one, "Get used to not sleeping well. Babies don't sleep when we do or when we want them to." No shit Sherlock! Wow! Thank you so much for filling me in. I had no idea! *Insert another eye roll*

  • I have been laughing this baby around my belly tonight reading these! I work in a hospital where everyone thinks they know everything about evidently.. nothing!
    My most asked question (as we have inside dogs which is apprently against common law) Have you got the nursery ready? I say "no, the baby is going to sleep with the dogs on their bed- I'm actually sewing handles onto the back of all the babies onesies so that the dogs can just pick it up and carry it to me in bed when it needs a feed"… one child nurse took it seriously!

  • The other day someone asked what I was having and I answered "I'm hoping for a unicorn!"
    Without missing a beat my mom nodded seriously "it's so much better than a pony".

    (I only responded like that because I get asked that question about a hundred thousand times a day and I'm only 12 weeks along… WE DON'T KNOW YET!!! get's a little old).

  • I am a hairstylist so I see several different people everyday all day so it's like a script I have to follow over and over 100 times a day every day every week- My due date is July 15, yes, it's a boy, his name is Tripp, yes big brother is very excited, I'm not sure if we'll have more…blah blah blah.

  • I just left my dr appointment (I'm 25 weeks and my belly is HUGE) and some idiot in the parking lot (a man) says to me, "Wow you must be ready to pop" I responded, "Not yet, I'm not due for another 15 weeks but thanks for calling me fat… pregnant ladies appreciate that, especially in public! (My dr had just told me I've gained too much weight, I am probably going to keep getting leg cramps and I should go to zero caffeine… good time to hear I'm huge from a total stranger)

  • I enjoy the glitter-burping kitten. Can I get that on a sweatshirt?
    I like – "Do you know the sex yet?" – Yes! We love the sex! The sex is what lead to this!
    or – "Do you know what it is yet?" – oooooh, I hope it's puppy! ohpleaseohpleaseohplease!

  • When I was pregnant with my 3rd child (of 4) people kept asking me if we were trying for a boy since we already had 2 girls. This REALLY got on my nerves. I finally just snapped and said "no, we are just trying for a HUMAN!" It did turn out to be ironic though, as I do have 2 little boys now.

  • Yowza, I think the feeling most pregnant women get is that other people treat you as though you have a disease or aren't a real person just because you are pregnant. Plus, we're irritable and uncomfortable and just plain not in the mood for BS most the time. (case and point.) But otherwise, I'm doing peachy!

  • Ah yes. Unsolicited petting.
    Well, I am generally an approachable huggy person…if you are someone I want to be approached by and want to hug. That said, I think it is pretty obvious that I am not the, "please come pet my belly, kind of girl"
    So, my gameplan (so far the unsolicited pets have been minimal and I am over 6 months now – the look on my face must be doing enough for now) will be to reach out and touch their belly as soon as they touch mine. *awkward*, but will get the point across.
    This of course, is if it happens to be on a day I am not wearing the shirt I am in the process of making that says, "I'm pregnant, not furry. Don't pet me."

    I might add that I find it interesting that people seem to look down upon me for not having a lot of typical pregnancy related issues. I mean, I have manageable heartburn. That is it. I have not had a moment or nausea etc, etc…and I am eternally grateful for that. I don't rub it in to people and I complain about the heartburn and little aches here and there as little as humanly possible. SO, when someone asks and I tell them and the response is, "well, you'll get yours yet! If it is easy now, the (deliivery, lack of sleep etc, etc) will make up for it!" I am a bit challenged to see how I 'deserve' to be paid back for a pleasant pregnancy. Sheesh. Some people's children.

  • I am just so sick of hearing "You BETTER get an epidural"… And what if I don't?? Will it hurt?? I kinda think it is supposed to.

  • Awesome! Just yesterday I had the "Your drinking coffee!?" I wish I would have read this yesterday so I could have used a witty comeback. UGH!!

  • Wish you had some for people's comments about induction, c-section, choosing to get an epidural, etc. Everyone seems to have an opinion about the labor.

  • My MIL likes to ask if the nursery is ready even though she's been in our tiny one bedroom apartment. She also got us the crib. But still I get (almost daily) "Did you make your dinning room into the nursery yet?" um. No. Because I'm not leaving the Baby in the dinning "area" with the cats… Its like a nook.

    Awkward belly rubbing story: My SIL is crazy. At least and crazy as her mom. ANYwho, shes the only person to touch my belly. We were actually at a punk show in the city and she came up to me (shes really short with really big curly hair) and puts her hands on my stomach and starts going "OHHH HELLO BABY! HELLO BABY EDDY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE BABY???" and I'm feeling kind of punch drunk and I'm really not a person you touch. Ever. I guess I just give off that vibe. Shes doing that so I just randomly start playing with her hair. She backed off after a minute, and didn't rub my belly again. So I guess the counter petting works!

  • I swear I'm a magnet for rude comments, and like Yowza, I don't even consider some of these things necessarily rude. (I get asked how I'm feeling and where we're going to keep the baby all the time and it doesn't bother me.) But something about me must subtly indicate to people that they can say whatever they want to me and get away with it. Last night at a restaurant the waitress first informed me that I was going to have a boy (which was stupid but not necessarily rude), and then, after she asked how far along I was, went ON and ON about how she could not BELIEVE I'm only 6 months pregnant because I am SO BIG that I look like I'm pushing 9 months and will go into labor AT ANY MINUTE. What the hell is wrong with people? Thanks, lady, for just gratuitously letting me know that I look like a lardass to you.

  • I keep getting the twins question! I'm going to write these down so I don't forget, next time someone asks!

    Thanks!

  • You are totally right, Yowza. Personally, I was totally able to take the tummy pats and the same questions over and over again when I knew it was coming from an honest place.
    It was the people you *knew* were just asking you this shit so they could launch into "Well, you better get on that nursery before the baby gets here" in that sing-song-you-want-to-punch-them-in-the-face tone.
    I chalk it up to the difference between "You look great!" (meaning you look great) and "You look great!" (meaning you don't usually and I'm actually surprised that you don't look disgusting).
    It's the shades of subtle shittery ; )

  • So funny!! I actually had twins before, six years ago, and people are always asking if this pregnancy is twins again. A few weeks ago (at like 34 weeks pregnant) someone I barely know asked me again "Are you sure it is not twins?" I really almost said "So glad you think it looks like I am having twins – that was definitely the look I was going for. I had better ask my doctor again, maybe they missed that in all the examinations they did in the last seven months!"

  • Why can't people ask how you're feeling or if you're building a nursery? Or is it because you get asked that a bajillion times?

    I'm sure for the most part it is NOT meant to be intentionally offensive, but rather to express interest in an amazing and exciting part of your life. What are people supposed to do? Swerve to the side when walking past, giving a berth of at least 30 feet, and not make eye contact, just to ensure not to enrage you? Yes, some people are completely clueless and often give opinions when they aren't asked for or needed. But if the old lady behind you at Safeway wants to wink and say she can tell its a boy, how hard is it to just smile or nod and then go back to your own business. People just want to share in your joy. (Unless they are lecturing you about something – then I believe you have every right to smack them in the back of the head)

    • Even better, just remember this line:

      Aw, crap, I was going to get a card printed for the next time someone said something stupid like that, but I guess it’s too late.

  • These are just wonderful! I am so very tired of being asked "Are you sure it isn't twins?" (and after 4 ultrasounds I can assure everyone that it isn't) I will have to remember the clever comebacks next time someone asks.

    Thank you so much for these.

  • how about the good ole, "you shouldnt have colored your hair! thats so bad for the baby!" Ive read up on it and asked my doc, they said it was fine. But when I tried to defend my new do, all i got was the, "youre slow in the head" look. People suck.

  • When people asked me, " Are you sure your not having twins!?!" with a giggle and a smile on their face. I'd answer.
    Nope.. just fat.
    thanks for pointing it out though!

    I love the shock value of these comments! Very funny!

  • Oh thanks for the comments about the nursery, I love the electric fence one! And all the caffeine ones are great!

  • i really love this because when i was pregnant with my son i heard "are you sure your not having twins" or "is there more than one in there" about a hundred times not to mention "that baby isnt out yet" and "wow you have been pregnant forever." so these i could defiantly use being pregnant with my second baby.

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