Pregnancy Brain

Today’s post has been brought to you by stark. raving. mad. mommy.

I love her for her wit, kick ass cowboy boots and her ability to poke the bear. She is the one I would have hidden behind in Junior High and screamed “yeah” as she told off the middle aged, creepy guy hanging over the fence to stop leering at us in gym.

This post is all about pregnancy brain which I totally had when I was pregnant and now I have Mommy Brain.

I chalk the Baby Brain up to hormones, and the Mommy Brain up to toddler water tourture but some people are lucky enough to escape both. To them I say, lucky……damn……what the hell was the word I was looking for? Shit. Hang on a minute. It will come to me….

Enjoy.

Today I placed my son’s glasses on top of the car, and drove off like that.  In all fairness, my hands were full – car keys, backpack, glasses, and belligerent autistic four-year-old who did not want to go to school.  I put the glasses down because I didn’t want them to break.  Awesome.

This is what we call Mommy Brain.  Mommy Brain accounts for all the things you mess up until senile dementia takes over.  Before Mommy Brain, there is Pregnancy Brain, which is actually worse.  Pregnancy Brain is caused by having gallons of progesterone floating around your body while trying to grow an entire human being in your body.  It’s like the craziest Sea Monkey science experiment evah, and it’s happening inside you.  It’s amazing you can even remember to get up in the morning.

Fortunately, Mother Nature takes over and ensures that you do the bare necessities – your body tells you urgently when it’s time to eat, sleep, and pee, which is pretty much all you do during a pregnancy anyway.

However, because your brain is so busy telling you that you have to pee like a racehorse right this very second, it stops telling you other things.  Important things, which might affect your employment or your ability to function normally in society.

I had four children in the space of five years, so I pretty much have irretrievable brain damage at this point.  Possibly, when they’ve all gone off to college, I’ll be able to spark some new brain cells by doing lots of crossword puzzles.  Maybe I should start taking some of those souped-up “senior” vitamins (or “geezer pills,” as my parents call them) to try to stave off the inevitable dementia that’s coming my way.

During my first pregnancy, when I was still working, I forgot the email password I had had for months.  It was completely gone from my head, and had to be reset.  I didn’t do too many other stupid things at work because I was so busy throwing up during that pregnancy.

When I was pregnant the second time, I already had two-year-old twins.  I remember lying (on my left side, of course) on the couch, watching Blue’s Clues with my toddlers and being stumped.  Let me say it again: I was stumped by Blue’s Clues.  I was all, “dang, Blue, I have no. freaking. clue. what the heck you want.  Steve, you’re a freaking genius to figure out those fiendish clues.”

That wasn’t my only proud moment.  During my pregnancies, I did all kinds of stupid stuff.  I showed up for an ultrasound appointment a day early, and an OB appointment a day late.   My daughters missed a swim lesson because I got lost on the way to the pool.  I still have no idea how that happened.

One of my friends is right now pregnant with her fifth girl.  Her oldest is only seven, so she’s been steeping in progesterone and prolactin for the better part of a decade now.  Her round ligaments and her brain are shot.  The other day she stood outside her house, attempting to open the door with her remote car door opener.  She just stood there, clicking and clicking, wondering why the door didn’t beep and unlock.  Poor thing.

My friend L. has the most entertaining Pregnancy Brain evah.  She completely loses the filter that stops you from saying the things you’re only supposed to say in your mind.

Once, when she was pregnant, L. told a smart alecky co-worker to suck her d–k.  This is a woman with a graduate degree in business who never swears at work.  She later said that because she was pregnant with a boy, it was at least linguistically correct.

During her next pregnancy, in a meeting with several co-workers, including two company vice-presidents, someone commented on another person’s new haircut.  L. piped up with, “too bad you didn’t do something about those nose hairs.”

L.’s unfiltered mouth when she has Pregnancy Brain is so shocking and hilarious, I wish she would have more kids.  However, it’s astonishing she managed to keep her job through two pregnancies, so she’s decided to stop while she’s still employed.

The best thing you can do about Pregnancy Brain is to prioritize and then enjoy it.  Put sticky notes on everything so that you remember the essentials, then use Pregnancy Brain as the perfect excuse for pretty much anything you don’t feel like doing.  “Sorry, I forgot about that.  I have Pregnancy Brain.”

stark. raving. mad. mommy. blogs about parenting, insanity, and chaos at starkravingmadmommy.com.

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62 Comments

  • HIlarious! I don't have the forgetting things so much, but I frequently tell people at work that my verbal diarrhea filter is malfunctioning due to pregnancy. They think it's hilarious, but it's SO true. I usually won't confront people at work when I am pissed about something. The other day I slipped in a little stab to this lazy lady at work and she shut her stupid mouth and walked away…sometimes I love being pregnant.

  • Oh my god… inappropriately laughing my ass off at work. This is so me! I forgot my cousin's wedding. I showed up to an ultrasound appointment 5 hours early. I poured a bowl of cereal and opened the fridge to get the milk, but then couldn't remember why I opened the fridge or that I'd already poured a bowl of cereal, so I just stood there for 5 minutes with the fridge open, staring into space, thinking, "Gosh, I'm HUNGRY." Bwahahaha… !

  • This is the most hilarious website…gosh I just laugh and laugh my ass off. Perhaps its pregnancy brain. I feel so damn dingy ALL DAY.

    I love the pregnanct cake that says, "Just a sliver of giant tit for me, please. I'm trying to watch my weight."

    ROFLMFAO!!!

  • Aw jeez.
    -Left new full carton of milk out all day
    – Almost became violent with a lady who reemed me out for budding in front of her in line at the grocery store, only to realize I had left my wallet at home. I had walked so I sobbed all the way home and all the way back.
    -I've also had an arse of a time trying to tell a story. Any story. Remember words? I don't.
    -And dressing myself? One part function, 13 parts crazy person. I'm surprised I remember to put pants on.

  • This is great tho I'm not sure I can use this as an excuse since I am naturally like this, but when I was 19 or so weeks pregnant, I was standing in line with my hubby getting ready to check out and I was reading some magazine that said "Mother Teresa's 100th." I thought it meant she turned 100, so I was like "hey, I didn't know Mother Teresa was 100 years old." Some guy in front of us checking out was like "she's dead; I think they mean it's her 100th year anniversary." My husband didn't even help he just busted out laughing.

    The other day (I'm 38 weeks), I kept calling my doctor's office to change an appointment. I was like, "Mom, they won't answer my phone calls! It's frustrating me!" She just looked at me with a funny expression and said, "You know it's Saturday, right?" HELL NO if I knew that I would be trying to call the office. I can only imagine what half of those phone calls that the secretaries there take from all the hormones coming in not to mention me.

    Oh …. fun times this pregnancy!

  • At 12 weeks I realized that I lost my filter. I was hoping it was because of the pregnancy. I'm glad that I'm not the only one! So far, I have not said anything too offensive! I will have to start leaving post-its to remind myself to keep my mouth shut. Thanks for writing such a great blog!

  • my husband called my pregnant brain "pregtarded". i once yelled at him for doing *something* to the dryer so it would no longer work and WHY DID HE ALWAYS HAVE TO F*CK WITH THINGS???? all this to then have him just close the dryer door in order to make it work. i had been staring at the thing for 15 minutes and made no attempt to close the door. and i have 12 years of post graduate education. i worry about mom brain as i'm about to start work next week heh.

  • While I was pregnant I would be on the phone at home and while still talking I would get in the car and drive off somewhere (I know, bad idea…). The phone would always cut off about 1/2 block down the road and I would be furious…until I realized I was on the cordless phone from home. Serioulsy? The first time was funny, the second and third just sad.

  • Lol.. I tried to pack my hubby's work boots in the diaper bag while he was wearing them…i've also left my book in the freezer and (my hubby cought this one in time.. i tried to put the clothes from the dryer into the oven while it was on!) now i'm only allowed to do the wash while someone is there to watch me!….. i feel so bad about that one

  • I left my car running for 3 hours once during the first trimester…thought I had turned it off only to go out hours later to find it still sitting in the driveway running…that was my only bad moment lol that I can recall

  • Bwahahahaha!
    Last summer my case of Mommy Brain let me drive off with a pizza balanced on the roof of our car. It wasn't until I said to my two-year old "Doesn't that pizza smell yummy?" that I realized, that no, in fact there was no pizza smell in the car. I quick glance in the rearview showed our pizza, still in the box, lying along the side of the road. I pulled a U-turn, parked in the middle of the bridge and retrieved our somehow unscathed dinner. Luckily we live in the middle of no where so 1) No one saw my genius moment, and 2) there was no one to swear at me for driving like a maniac and dashing into the street.

    And this fall, my now Pregnant Brain managed to leave the book I was reading in the fridge and plop a stick of butter into the silverware drawer (both to be discovered by a very confused husband later in the day). I've also packed the TV remote in the diaper bag on several occassions.

  • LOL @ Alicia. You're not at Fort Drum, are you? I feel so bad for the baggers that have to follow me while I attempt to locate my vehicle, that I've actually just started using the self-checkout.

    Also, I have been known lately to come to complete stops at green lights. Awesomesauce, right?

  • I am so glad it just isnt me, I am a little flighty anyway but man it is like times 10 now, but the other day I was at the comissary and the bagger had followed me out with a TON of stuff I had bought and I lost my car, I had this poor girl walking up and down the isle with me for 5 mins while I am hitting my unlock button, in the freezing cold. I felt pretty dumb over that one

  • It still amazes me that they let pregnant women drive. I frequently found myself forgetting the rules of the road, or even worse, to buckle the older kids in to their seats before heading off.

  • This is such a funny post. It makes me feel much better about forgetting to pay the mortgage and forgetting what mustard is for.

  • I totally did this today. Or actually I've done this the last 34 weeks. I call the brain farts: pregnesia. And the 'blonde moments' are definitely pregnancy brain. I was convinced that today was Monday, I can't help my 4th grader do simple math equations, I stumble with words my 2nd grader knows. How can they possibly suck the smarts out of you?! My mom always said you get dumber with each kid you have. Great! I'm about to have #4. Maybe I'll just have to go back to school with her.

  • This made me laugh (followed immediately, of course, by crying). I have 5 weeks before my pregnesia turns into momnesia. I woke up this morning convinced that President Obama had named President Reagan (deceased) his Chief of Staff. I continually try to click on (what I perceive are) links in actual hard-copy books and magazines. I constantly wonder why I can't just rewind conversations like I do with the DVR.

    And I forgot how I was planning to end this comment. I'm sure it was brilliant. Sigh.

  • i too have tried to open my front door with the car keyless entry! also sat at a stop sign waiting for the thing to turn green so i could go! it dosent work and then i looked around to make sure no one saw me. i have been calling my condition momnesia. i thought it was mostly due to lack of sleep for an entire yr. i also gained about 40 with the first and did not get a chance (thats my story! ) to loose it before the second came along with another 40. fat momma with no brains on a mission to some place she dosent remember….i should wear a warning sign.

  • Love your blog! Freaking hilarious. An unsolicited topic suggestion: weight loss post baby. I also put on 65 lbs and am killing myself to loose it. What is up with all these stars loosing the weight 2 mins after giving birth? When my daughter was 8 months old I ran into an ex boyfriend and actually lied about her age so that it seemed more reasonable that I was still so big. Shameful!!!!

  • Are you in my head? I've been suddenly noticing how stupid I've become. And its bad. So bad infact that I'm pretty sure my Job "fired" me? I'm still not sure. They pretty much told me to take it easy until the baby comes… I hadn't given them my two weeks notice, that I remember, but it was just a crappy retail job so it was bound to happen. I had taken to hiding buttons I was supposed to be putting back then trying to find them the next time I was on the schedule. Anywho. The worst thing has been bed rest. Yep. Stuck in my house, reading my favorite blogs and commenting. Haha. Sucks for you guys (because SRMM and Pregnant Chicken, you are my FAVORITES)! And then reading them the next day and going "What the?" I'm sure I will with this one too. (oh yeah the other day I couldn't figure out why my key wouldn't open the door, so I kicked it until my hubby came and opened it, turns out I was trying to get it open with my car key. Brilliant.)

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