10 Great Things About Being Pregnant

Okay now I know that some of these don’t always apply – we’ve all met that dick that doesn’t care if you’re pregnant and won’t hold the door for you even if you’re hauling a bag of hammers up three flights of stairs – but generally speaking, there are a few perks to being knocked up.

1/ “I don’t feel up to it” is a valid excuse to get out of almost anything.

Don’t feel like going to your co-workers karaoke debut, seeing a documentary about the social habits of chinchillas, or volunteering at your child’s school to organize the fun fair? “I’m just not feeling up to it” when you’re pregnant is up there with “I have diarrhea” because nobody want to venture into the details.

 

2/ People want you to sit down all the time and offer their seats.

Sure this one can get annoying (especially around older men who seem to think being upright is a detriment to you and your unborn child) but how awesome is it to go to the family picnic and not have to scan for an open lawn chair. “Sorry Aunt Mary, go rest your shiny new hip somewhere else, I have to eat cake.”

 

3/ People offer to carry stuff for you.

This somehow never applies to screaming toddlers – but with groceries, bags of dirt, and 50lb bags of rotini from Costco, someone will often step up and ask if you want help. Again, some people will insist they help you with that treacherous bag of cotton balls, but that’s a small price to pay for getting a giant bag of dog kibble lifted into your car. Just be sure your trunk is not full of embarrassing crap like empty bags of McDonald’s, Sour Patch Kids and Pop Tart boxes with a roll of random toilet paper from when your nose was inexplicably running for no reason.

 

4/ You are expected to eat a lot.

I especially love old, European Ladies in this area. They just keep handing you pasta, pastries and perogies and say, “eat, eat, yu nid to eat”. They are also the same women that told you not to be too smart or no good man will want to marry you, but they are awesome cooks so you let it slide.

5/ You can blame crying on the pregnancy.

Phone commercial? Episode of Grey’s Anatomy? Preview for Kung Fu Panda 14? Feel free to burst into uncontrollable crying if you are so inclined because people expect this kind of outbursts from you. Plus, I feel it’s important you let this kind of emotion out so it doesn’t turn into gas.

 

6/ You can blame forgetfulness on the pregnancy.

There have been many studies that have discounted pregnancy brain but I think those people are just confused and need a tall cool glass of shut-the-hell-up. People find this annoying trait quite endearing when you’re pregnant so skip a few meetings and birthdays while you’re gestating to take advantage of this loop hole.  

7/ You can blame violence on the pregnancy.

Some women feel all soft and nesty through their pregnancies and some women want to jump on the hood of the car that cut them off, and plunge their fists through the windshield like the Terminator. I tried to find any pregnancy hormone legal defense but all I found was the PMS defense where a woman got off the hook for killing her boyfriend. So I’m sure you could mount a good case with “the rage” as a defense if you take out the guy who ate the last cookie at the weekly status meetings. Perhaps seek legal council before proceeding with this one though.

 

8/ People are friendlier.

Perhaps being pregnant signifies to some people that you were deemed nurturing and nice enough to be impregnated because strangers will find you more approachable and will therefore be friendlier to you. This also lays a nice foundation for crying, forgetfulness and batshit crazy rage because people assume that at you are good at your core so they’ll let a lot of stuff go.

 

9/ You don’t have to suck it in.

Ah, stretchy pants. Mmmmm, tacos. Go for it honey because no one is going to notice or care that you added to the bulge. Hopefully some old European women are helping you with this endeavour.

 

10/ People smile at you.

Strangers love pregnant woman and silent newborns but they hate kids. Sorry, it’s a fact so you should take advantage of all the people that smile at you in the aisles of Walmart while you’re shopping for mammoth mamma panties because they’ll be that same people that give you the hairy eyeball when you’re three-year old launches into a Linda Blair froth when you won’t buy him Skittles.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Of course there is always the point that you’re growing an awesome little person in there but how boring is that? Now go on, forget the Christening you were supposed to go to and have something to eat while screaming at telemarketers.

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34 Comments

  • Hands up hilarious. I don’t know if you’ve covered this anywhere else but ‘let’s talk about sex…baby’. Seriously I don’t know if it’s just me but it’s been off the charts and let me tell you there’s wasn’t a wide gap to begin with but damn, I feel…well that, I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL everything much more than I have in the past and I’m a feeling type of gal.

    Maybe it’s the relief of not having to make a baby (after MANY years it looses its spark) or maybe it’s because everything in my body is heightened, but I just feel like no one is discussing this and maybe it is just me. But I feel like a wound up toy that as soon as my husband touches me… I’m happy. Yes happy that’s the word. 🙂

  • Thank you so much for writing this. After hearing "you’re not supposed to actually eat for two" for weeks, you’ve no idea how much better I feel after stumbling across this page!

    Just, so, so awesome.

    Emily. 23 weeks pregnant, first time mum.

  • I completely agree with the random crying (Law & Order SVU a few days ago when the captain announced his retirement? my fiancee laughed at me because I was straight sobbing), the violence and as one other commenter said: the boobs!!

  • I’ve been adding a few of my own to this list. Number one is boobs! I never had boobs, but now my husband is looking lustfully at my rack! It’s a nice feeling and it distracts him from the giant belly and the popped belly button.

    The next one is my friends telling me that I look great. Now i know they are just saying that and probably my friends, who have gone through being pregnant, know better than to say that i look "big" or "small," but it’s still nice.

    Another one is expectant mother parking at Babies R Us. Now i don’t mind the walk, but it’s nice having designated parking. Makes me feel like a VIP.

    • Hahaha maybe that’s the real reason behind our breasts growing…to keep our husbands distracted from the bat shit crazy coming out of our every pore!

  • "Strangers love pregnant woman and silent newborns but they hate kids. " LOOOOL You are so funny! I’m totally loving your blog and will certainly use it as inspiration for my own 🙂 Here is something about that awesome moment we are all waiting for! ARRIVAL 😀 http://iwantbaby.com/blog/a-is-for-arrival/

  • This isn’t fair. Some of this was really true my first pregnancy, but now my second? We’re moving to a 4th floor apartment and I keep getting "You aren’t moving stuff during the week without your hubs? You know cardio is really good for pregnant woman." Um. Yes. Because boxes of stuff and my two year old are all probably in the "don’t lift more then 10lbs" orders my doctor gave me, especially up 4 flights of stairs! Sheesh.

  • I don’t know who you are and I don’t know how to find you, but one day, I will… and I’m gonna give you a big hug! OMG woman! You have this unique way of making me snort with laughter and have to cross my legs to keep that treacherous leak at bay!
    I’m just over halfway with my first and your blog keeps me sane when I fantasize about the merits of machine guns at work! Please NEVER STOP!

  • First time pregnant here, and I love this blog. So glad to know that I have this over the next 8 months and then some! So great!

  • Am almost 32 weeks pregnant and definitely showing, sadly, I have never been offered a seat out in public, neither have I had things carried for me, or doors opened.

    And whenever I eat one thing straight after the other (such as, a bowl of cereal, and then a slice of toast straight after) my mother tells me that being pregnant is no excuse to eat more – which it isn't – I was just really hungry that morning!

    Apparently, to the rest of the world, heavily pregnant me is the same as normal me. =/

  • Oh sweet mother of Mary! I'm 4 months preggers and I'm pretty sure I just narrowly missed peeing my pants I was laughing so hard!

  • These are awesome. Being preggers for the sixth time in eight years, I can definitely testify to the truth behind each one of these! I only wish my kids would give a rip that I need to sit and rest a while. Awesome job, Pregnant Chicken!

  • Umm….that cartoon of the woman crying because they stopped selling the McRib sounds a lot like my brother….I'm just saying!

  • Oh my!!! I was laughing hysterically!! I am pregnant with my first and my sister in law who is almost due with her first recommended this blog to me! It is now my new favorite thing! Thank you for making this crazy hormonal mess of a woman laugh!!!

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