Underwear Opus


First of all, I’d like you all to know that me guest posting on Pregnant Chicken should not, in any way, be taken as an indication that I am pregnant. I am NOT pregnant. I am not trying to get pregnant. I am taking pains to avoid pregnancy, like using contraception and not standing downwind of Levi Johnston or Kevin Federline. No pregnancy here, no way, no how.

Now that that’s out of the way, I can go on to say that three years ago I was pregnant with my wonderful, amazing, adorable, and fabulous son. I had an easy pregnancy and for the most part it was a good time, at least until my due date passed me by and I not only saw the month I was supposed to have a baby in come to an end with me still pregnant but also the YEAR I was supposed to have a baby wrapped up with no contractions anywhere in sight. As the New Year dawned with my belly still burgeoning, I crossed “tax accountant” off the list of possible careers for my deduction-unaware off-spring and pulled on one of the two pair of maternity pants that still fit on my giant body and waddled off to scan the internet for techniques to speed my child on his way.

I hated those maternity pants by the end. Hated. I refused to buy expensive maternity clothes so all I had were cheap things from Old Navy that were frayed and strained from near-constant wear in my third trimester. The nasty-ass over-the belly panels on my only pair of workable maternity jeans had threads coming loose from the seams and I lacked the motivation to even try to secure the edges because I was so sure that I was going to have that baby any godforsaken minute now, after which I was going to stage a Pants Burning Ceremony in the middle of the street in front of my house. Little did I know once my son arrived, I would be without even the extra energy necessary to strike a match.

Like many postpartum women I wore my maternity clothes for a little while after pregnancy because my body stubbornly refused to act like Gisele Bundchen’s body and snap back into place like it was made of Silly Putty. I should not have been surprised by this since my body has never resembled Gisele’s body in any way. So I sleep-walked through the first weeks of my son’s life covering my stretch marks and oddly baggy skin with maternity jeans and button-down flannel shirts that could be easily torn asunder to breastfeed. But as soon as I could summon the mental agility to sign my own name on a credit card slip, I headed out to buy some jeans with an actual button and zipper than fit my larger-than-normal ass so that I could get those hateful maternity clothes out of my drawers once and for all.

Fast forward nearly three years to a day last week when I was rummaging through my underwear drawer in search of undies that would work under my outfit for the day. I am on a constant quest to find underwear that fit, don’t ride up, blend nicely under clothes and don’t do the dreaded hip-fat-squish maneuver that leaves me with a triple-bulge effect going on. There was a time, when I was younger and thinner, when I could wear skimpy thong undies without incident but now, thongs bite into my hips and press so deeply into the flesh there that I might need to call in the crew who extricated those poor trapped Chilean miners to come find the sides of my undies. So now I wear bikini-style underwear in the hopes that the wider band across the hip will rest more delicately on the surface.

So on this fateful day, I pulled out a pair of black bikinis from the back corner of the underwear drawer and slipped them on. They were cute! Low rise, with a sexy dip across the front, good coverage on the ass, and elastic that didn’t sink immediately into the flab. Wow! I looked in the mirror and thought these cuties were actually Date Night material, they were so flattering. I wondered, possibly aloud, where I had picked up these gems and checked the label so that I could go online and order more of them.


Oh no.

Oh, no, no, nonononono!

They were maternity underwear.

How these black maternity demon underwear escaped the Great Maternity Purge of 2008 is beyond me but there they were. On my body. Fitting beautifully. And I was faced with a terrible dilemma: do I pretend this never happened and return to my quest for hot undies for non-pregnant women and deny that I know that maternity underwear actually look pretty good on my Not Pregnant Self? Or do I order some more, rip out the tags, and live with the shame that my body is so altered by motherhood that I need to perennially shop in the maternity section for my undergarments?

When I got to work, I went to the Old Navy site and went to the page with the maternity undies. They were in stock. In my size. But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t order maternity clothes. It felt…wrong.

Good thing too since those underwear spent the whole day riding so far up into the regions where the sun don’t shine that I had to dab a little A&D on myself to soothe the chafing. (It works, y’all. Don’t mock.) And those underwear are going RIGHT down to the basement where the rest of my maternity clothes are living in permanent storage.

And I’m going to Victoria’s to choke the Secret out nicely fitting underwear out of that bitch so that I can end my underwear quest once and for all.

Related: Why I Love Shopping for Maternity Wear (Spoiler Alert: I Don’t)

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  • Nothing at all shameful about a pregnancy-altered body. Nothing shameful about any body. But I hear you with the maternity clothes. I bought a lot of my stuff on sale from ASOS (which I highly recommend) and honestly a lot of it is so cute I bought it with postpartum in mind. I can’t wait, however, to see the backside of these gotdamb maternity leggings. RAGING HATRED.

  • After my daughter was born, I chucked every bit of maternity wear out (well, donated the good stuff). Now, pregnant for the second time, I am kicking myself! It's all so expensive and hideous! I should have thrown it in the basement with my clothes from college , which will never ever again be able to cover my enormous mom ass.

  • It took a bit of Google wizardry and some determination but when I was pregnant, I was able to find some websites that carry stylish and affordable maternity clothes. I also found out that plus size clothes work well as maternity clothes. They offer the added benefit of not looking too cutesy or precocious (I hate that about maternity clothes designs). I really liked the plus size clothes better than the maternity clothes, especially after giving birth and before losing the preggy weight.

    Irene Love
    Fashion Sale

  • During my 1st pregancy ['06/'07] I had those horrible blue band panel jean jobbies, but imagine my delight during my 2nd pregancy ['09/'10] to find on sale [!] at Target a pair of reasonably fashionable ripped jeans with the adjustible elastic fully hidden in a normal looking waistband!! Someone finally took a design page from my toddler's pants [that all have that hidden elastic.] It rocks – especially for the "chubby" phase before you look pregnant and postpatrum [for however long it takes to get back into my old jeans…]

  • Another vote on the Hanky Panky panties. They also come in plus sizes for all of us normal lookin ladies out there.

    They are harder to find in Canada, but if you have a local fancy lingerie place, they will likely have them or could order them in. I just ordered some from the US for cheaper and waiting to see how that goes.

  • Kudos to you, Becky! I actually had a really nice dress that was maternity so I just cut the tag out of it.
    Like I was going to be hit by a bus and the paramedics would gasp when they rolled my limp body over only to discover I wasn't actually pregnant. I don't know what kind of damn CSI episode I think I live in.
    I'm off to buy some Hanky Pankys now because they sound awesome!

  • Ok, so on the flipside of this, I've never been pregnant. But my body is so retardedly shaped that I've often seriously considered wearing maternity clothes. Never had the gall to try it though….until the other day, when I was looking for a dress shirt in the women's section, I saw one that was adorable, and to my amazement, when I tried it on, it fit beautifully!! Only later did I realize that I had in fact wandered unknowingly into the maternity section and found this miracle shirt. And I'm not really that embarrassed about it.

  • Oh, the woe! The grief!

    I am playing the denial game whereby ignore the fact that the one line from things too tight around my waist devolved slowly into two lines from the things too tight around my waist and too tight around my hips and then somehow further deteriorated to THREE lines from things that are too tight around my waist, too tight around my hips, and too tight around my mid-belly.

    Despite all the fashion warnings against horizontal stripes, I'm sort of thinking it may be the only camouflage I have left.

  • While you are over at Victoria's Secret, see if you can get them to sell you a pair of those giant fancy feathered wings … your husband will be so mesmerized by those – he will never think to look at your *ss – now that could be a date night to remember!

  • Ugg. I hate maternity clothes. I had my son 4 months ago and finally packed my maternity clothes away because I got sick of wearing them. I had to break down and buy clothes that fit, but way better than rocking the maternity pants.

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