Okay now I know that some of these don’t always apply – we’ve all met that dick that doesn’t care if you’re pregnant and won’t hold the door for you even if you’re hauling a bag of hammers up three flights of stairs – but generally speaking, there are a few perks to being knocked up.
1/ “I don’t feel up to it” is a valid excuse to get out of almost anything.
Don’t feel like going to your co-workers karaoke debut, seeing a documentary about the social habits of chinchillas, or volunteering at your child’s school to organize the fun fair? “I’m just not feeling up to it” when you’re pregnant is up there with “I have diarrhea” because nobody want to venture into the details.
2/ People want you to sit down all the time and offer their seats.
Sure this one can get annoying (especially around older men who seem to think being upright is a detriment to you and your unborn child) but how awesome is it to go to the family picnic and not have to scan for an open lawn chair. “Sorry Aunt Mary, go rest your shiny new hip somewhere else, I have to eat cake.”
3/ People offer to carry stuff for you.
This somehow never applies to screaming toddlers – but with groceries, bags of dirt, and 50lb bags of rotini from Costco, someone will often step up and ask if you want help. Again, some people will insist they help you with that treacherous bag of cotton balls, but that’s a small price to pay for getting a giant bag of dog kibble lifted into your car. Just be sure your trunk is not full of embarrassing crap like empty bags of McDonald’s, Sour Patch Kids and Pop Tart boxes with a roll of random toilet paper from when your nose was inexplicably running for no reason.
4/ You are expected to eat a lot.
I especially love old, European Ladies in this area. They just keep handing you pasta, pastries and perogies and say, “eat, eat, yu nid to eat”. They are also the same women that told you not to be too smart or no good man will want to marry you, but they are awesome cooks so you let it slide.
5/ You can blame crying on the pregnancy.
Phone commercial? Episode of Grey’s Anatomy? Preview for Kung Fu Panda 14? Feel free to burst into uncontrollable crying if you are so inclined because people expect this kind of outbursts from you. Plus, I feel it’s important you let this kind of emotion out so it doesn’t turn into gas.
6/ You can blame forgetfulness on the pregnancy.
There have been many studies that have discounted pregnancy brain but I think those people are just confused and need a tall cool glass of shut-the-hell-up. People find this annoying trait quite endearing when you’re pregnant so skip a few meetings and birthdays while you’re gestating to take advantage of this loop hole.
7/ You can blame violence on the pregnancy.
Some women feel all soft and nesty through their pregnancies and some women want to jump on the hood of the car that cut them off, and plunge their fists through the windshield like the Terminator. I tried to find any pregnancy hormone legal defense but all I found was the PMS defense where a woman got off the hook for killing her boyfriend. So I’m sure you could mount a good case with “the rage” as a defense if you take out the guy who ate the last cookie at the weekly status meetings. Perhaps seek legal council before proceeding with this one though.
8/ People are friendlier.
Perhaps being pregnant signifies to some people that you were deemed nurturing and nice enough to be impregnated because strangers will find you more approachable and will therefore be friendlier to you. This also lays a nice foundation for crying, forgetfulness and batshit crazy rage because people assume that at you are good at your core so they’ll let a lot of stuff go.
9/ You don’t have to suck it in.
Ah, stretchy pants. Mmmmm, tacos. Go for it honey because no one is going to notice or care that you added to the bulge. Hopefully some old European women are helping you with this endeavor.
10/ People smile at you.
Strangers love pregnant woman and silent newborns but they hate kids. Sorry, it’s a fact so you should take advantage of all the people that smile at you in the aisles of Walmart while you’re shopping for mammoth mamma panties because they’ll be those same people that give you the hairy eyeball when you’re three-year-old launches into a Linda Blair froth when you won’t buy him Skittles.
Of course there is always the point that you’re growing an awesome little person in there but how boring is that? Now go on, forget the Christening you were supposed to go to and have something to eat while screaming at telemarketers.