Easiest Births Ever

Some of you may be a little scared, okay terrified of giving birth.

Everyone loves to tell you about horrible births, so I thought it would be nice to share a birth story that is beyond awesome and that I know for a fact is true. Sure, it won’t happen this way for everyone, but you can always hope.

Enjoy.

forgetallthosescarybirthstoriesandreadthisawesomestoryabouttheeasiestchildbirthever

 

I met my friend Moira when her son was around two-years old.

She lived in the house across the street from the place I had just rented and she was pregnant with her second child.

We’d hang out on her porch and she would tell me where all the good restaurants in the neighbourhood were and I would tell her about drunken evenings out with friends. I was impressed with her domestic prowess and she was impressed with my reckless, unscheduled life.

When she got to be around 37 weeks pregnant she asked me if I wouldn’t mind being on call to run over to the house and watch her son before her mother could get there if she went into labour. I was honoured that she actually trusted me with her child and told her that it was doubtful that I would be needed in that much of a hurry. After all, women can be in labour for days.

“Uh, well not me” Moira said. So I asked how long it took for her son to get here. “44 minutes” she replied. “You mean 44 minutes after you started pushing?” I tried to correct her. “No, 44 minutes from the time I thought something may be happening until he was here.”

She proceeded to tell me that she got up in the middle of the night thinking she had to go to the bathroom. She wiped and saw blood so she got worried and got dressed to go to the hospital. Then she had one pain and thought, “Oh man, this is it.” Woke her husband up and got herself to the hospital. She had one more pain in the parking garage and felt like she needed to push but held off until she could get inside. The nurses heard her story and just rolled their eyes at the first-time-mother tale and admitted her. The moment she got in a bed she told the nurse she wanted to push so the nurse said, “go for it” and out came the baby. No pain. Just…here.

At this point I decided Moira must be an idiot. Surely you cannot be in labour for 44 minutes and just give birth like that. Surely she was one of those people that was just in denial about the pain or just too dense to notice. I mean, the girl is about 5’3″ and 110 lbs soaking wet. It’s not like she has giant hips and some cavernous vagina that can just unhinge and fire a kid out. She must be wrong.

Just to humour her I said I would be poised by my phone in case she needed to run across the street to watch the munchkin. She thanked me and warned me that she went into “labour” at 38 weeks last time so it could be anytime. I nodded and promptly forgot about it.

The next week rolls around and I’m coming home from a hangover breakfast and Moira’s husband greets me on the street with a sunny, “Where the heck were you last night?”.  I told him I was at a basketball game, “Why?”. “Because we have another little boy!” he happily told me. “Moira had him in 22 minutes. We just made it to the hospital.”

Holy shit. She’s not crazy. She’s a freak. A lucky, lucky freak.

This time, at 38 weeks, she thought she had to go to the bathroom. Wiped saw blood and knew to get the hell out of there. Called me to no avail so called the neighbour down the street who had to run in her pajamas to make it in time. Her husband floored it to the hospital, tossed her in a wheelchair and screamed, “My wife is giving birth. Now!”

Now, I’m sure L&D nurses hear this about 80 times a night so I can appreciate their failure to hustle.

One of the senior nurses came over and asked how many minutes apart her contractions were. As Moira climbed up on the bed she told her she hadn’t had any. Just as the nurse replied, “Then I doubt you’re in labour, let’s have a look.”, out popped the baby.

Out popped the fucking baby!

These aren’t peanut children either. Both boys weighed in between seven and eight pounds each.

Needless to say, the stunned hospital staff released Moira and her baby with a good story for the next shift.

Fast forward four years. Moira’s pregnant for the third time.

Wisely her husband read up on “How to Deliver a Baby at Home.” and didn’t call me as a babysitter seeing as my batting average was pretty sad.

At 38 weeks, Moira gets up to go to the bathroom, feels a little “different”. Screams to her husband, “It’s time”. He leaps out of bed, tosses Moira into the tub and ‘whoosh’ delivers his daughter into the world.

How amazing is that?

Like I said, she’s not a large girl by any stretch of the imagination. Her mother had average deliveries with all three of her children – not too great, not too horrible. So what makes Moira different? Hell if I can figure out, and man, did I quiz her.

I suppose it’s just a luck of the draw like being athletic, musical, or naturally skinny with big tits. You’re just lucky.

So here’s to all you first time moms that are scared of giving birth. You never know, you may have the golden ticket, so cross your fingers.

And clean your tub.

easist-birth

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138 Comments

  • I really enjoyed this article. Moira’s story is amazing! I gave birth to my 1st at 39w5d and 2nd at 39w3d, and currently 39 weeks & 6 days with baby #3 and am anxious for his arrival already. Wish it were this easy for me. Glad to have read about her story and all the ladies who posted on their easy labor stories too. There is hope!

  • Baby 1 – 4.5 hours from first twinge. Delivered 20 min after arriving at the hospital. Baby 2 – 2hrs. Baby 3 one contraction and baby was born…didn’t make it past the bathroom door at home! Needless to say I had mine all natural and quickly. But that is just as scary as a long labor and the unknowns. Thankfully all were healthy.

  • I was my mother’s second and last baby. She had me less than 45 minutes. Luckily, she was already in the hospital and technically I was induced because I was 2 weeks overdue (mom swears the stupid military OB/GYN had her dates wrong and that I was born at 40 weeks). My mother says induction "was a joke" because the Pitocin didn’t even tickle her. They started Pitocin early in the morning, but nothing happened, so they unhooked her from the drugs and she ate lunch, only to start feeling contractions around 1:40. I was born at 2:21. My dad barely made it from his office and ran in literally a minute before I was born, all 7 pounds and 7 ounces of me. I was hoping for such good fortune with my daughter. Nope. 3 days of stalled labor, enough Pitocin to put an elephant into labor, and 2 hours of pushing, plus threatening to chuck the doctor across the room if he even suggested a C-section, and I had my daughter. Fun times! I’m never doing it again.

  • this happened to me…my contractions were about 13mins apart when I started to really feel them I had been having twinges for the last couple of days before…anyway started bleeding got worried so called the hospital..they were keen to see me..this was around 1am… after being looked at by midwives they wasn’t to sure so decided to get a doctor’s opinion.. now 5am I was actually 5cm dilated and was now transfering me.. was offered gas and air at this point but decided against it… waddled to the delivery suite where spent till 10am having contractions but we’re 10mins apart and the midwive telling me she is only 3/5 engaged still and your only 7cm dilated oh and my contractions aren’t painful enough for me to be in active labour so her and the doctor want to pop my waters… me not so convinced as wanted as less medical intervention as possible asked to have time to think anyway they agreed but then was called to an emergency.. they came back at 12.30 popped my waters… my contractions got heavier and all I wanted to do is push… I couldn’t sit I was pacing the room up to me down… all everyone kept saying is don’t push don’t push she still only 3/5 2.30came the midwife said we need to see if she has dropped and if you have dilated fully telling her there is no way I can got on the bed… get on the bed midwife says to me no wondered you felt like you wanna push her head is here 8mins later she was here! midwife apologised for not believe I was in active labour.. all without any pain relief! she also told me as soon as I get twinges next time to make my way to the hospital

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