I Have No Idea


When I became a new mother, I was baffled by the amount of questions I received; I expected to be the one with the questions. I’d just met this new little guy and suddenly everyone asked me questions as if we were lifelong buds and I knew all his likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, resume and shoe size. As much as he was brand new, so was I. I didn’t know how to answer these questions. I didn’t know him yet! New motherhood is an extremely quick learning curve, like being thrown into a PhD program with nary a high school diploma. These are some of the questions I experienced and the answer is always the same:  I have no idea.

Does he always do that? I have no idea. Isn’t two weeks too soon to say always? Because that’s his age.


Why is he crying?  I have no idea. He could be hungry, wet, poopy, gassy, angry, tired, bored, frustrated, or worried about his tax return. You’ll have to ask him. The one thing I know for certain is that he’s not happy.


Does he usually sleep this long?  I have no idea.  I haven’t slept more than three hours at a time in five weeks.  Sometimes he sleeps great; sometimes he naps for thirty minutes and makes me want to cry.  (Or actually cry.)  It’s the unpredictability that gets to me.


How many pees/poos does he have in a day? I have no idea. The doctor or nurse asked this every single time we went to the doctor. How do I keep track of what happens south of the equator with this little poop/pee machine? Do people change them every time they pee a thimbleful? We’d go through a box of diapers a day at that rate. 


Does he pull at his ear? Why do you suspect an infection? I have no idea. He’s screaming and he had a cold. But it could be his teeth. Or he could just have gas. He’s a baby. He can’t tell me.


Has he rolled over/crawled/walked/graduated yet? I have no idea. Wait. Is he supposed to? What does Google say?


Should you change him before or after he eats?  I have no idea. Sometimes I do change him and he poops midway through the bottle and then I change him and he poops again when he’s done. Sometimes I don’t change him and he doesn’t poop at all. Sometimes I don’t change him and then he blows out his already semi-full diaper. It’s a crap shoot. (See what I did there?)


How much does he eat in a day?  I have no idea. This question was asked every time I went to the doctor for a well visit.  I learned how to answer, but the first few times I would frantically try to do math in my head and then usually just say something like, “He eats 3-4 ounces (or 5-6 ounces, or 7-8 ounces) 5-6 times a day.” Sometimes he ate a ton and other times not so much. Also, if you’re breastfeeding, there’s no gauge, no ounce markings on each breast to show how much has been consumed. I imagine you pretty much just guess.

These questions didn’t really annoy me, but did serve to show me how little I actually knew about keeping a tiny human alive.  We’re doing good so far, but it’s too soon to tell.  I still feel like a new mother.  Is there ever a time when you feel competent, like, “I’ve got this.  I know what I’m doing.  They might make it to adulthood.”?  I’ll let you know.

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I Have No Idea

When I became a new mother, I was baffled by the amount...
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  • Five time mom here. The answer is no. No, there is never a time when you feel like you’re competent and that “you’ve got this”.

  • Lol this did make my day as well, I have a 3mnth old and I can remember when he was brand new and the questions came pouring in and I would be dumb struck 🤔 Lol
    Why does the smart world think they are all some sort of genius/doctor?? If I need your advice I’ll ask or google as you said hehe
    At the end of the day the fact that I made it through the day is all that mattered for me

  • I’ve definitely been asked the “does he usually do this” question within first two weeks, to which I give a confused and pointed look, and say “usually? In all (x) weeks of his life?” which usually produces a chuckle, and less judgment 🙂

    Regarding reporting how much baby eats/poops, I’ve learned to give a very vague answer that sounds consistent with what babies that age should do, assuming I’m not concerned. Since I breastfeed, it’s even easier. “Oh, he nurses every 2-3 hours.” If doctor presses, I’ll say “for 10-15 minutes” but my babies eat very fast, so it’s more like 5, but I don’t say that, as long as they’re growing fine. Pediatricians just want to know if you have concerns, and if you don’t, then great! Regarding diapers, I usually try to remember if baby needs a change approximately after every feed or every few feeds, etc.

  • Oh man, I needed this today. My little 3 week old is a nightmare child today! It’s all part of his plan to bend me to his will, I think 😉 Sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to have him figured out already. Thank you for the smile and reminder that parenthood (especially for us FTMs) is a process.

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