1. “You look so big/small.”
Remember when you were a teenager and you didn’t want to be unique in any way? Well pregnancy is the same and nobody wants to be told they look huge or teeny because it just scares them. Anything different from other pregnant women = weird = giant freak baby or creepy peanut baby.
2. “Haven’t you had that baby yet?”
If that woman’s pregnancy seems long to you I can almost guarantee that it feels like about 30 years to her. Pregnant women who are asked this question should be legally exempt from murder convictions. (You can also send them to haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com)
3. “You look tired, you must be having a girl because they steal your beauty.”
Someone actually said this to my friend. So really what you’re saying is “you look like shit”. Thanks. I think the response to this should be “And you must be upside down because all I see is an asshole talking”. (I just made that up.)
4. “So do your nipples look weird? Mine went all crazy.”
Pardon? Unless this pregnant woman is someone that would tell you about her anal leakage or an odd growth on her armpit, then don’t ask this kind of stuff and don’t share this kind of crap with anybody. Ever.
5. “Sleep now because you won’t get any when the baby gets here.”
What the hell does this mean anyway? It’s not like you can bank sleep. It’s like saying “Don’t eat this year because an all-you-can-eat-buffet is opening up next March”. Plus, who says that the woman you’re saying this to is sleeping now? She may be a congested ball of heartburn, hemorrhoids, and back pain so this kind of thing just adds insult to injury.
6.”I hate that name.”
Really? Oh okay, then they won’t name it that. Nobody cares that a girl named Angela took your oatmeal raisin cookie in grade two so don’t lift up the tarp covering your mental baggage. On a similar note, if they want to name their kid Adolph or Kleenex just nod and say “nice” – that will be the least of that kid’s problems anyway.
7. “Were you hoping for a girl/boy instead?”
It’s not really anyone’s business and if she ain’t sharin’, don’t ask. If you’re asked this you should answer that you were actually hoping for a puppy that could fart rainbows then just walk away.
8. “Was this an accident?”
A woman’s reply to this should always be “suck my dick.” It’s a nice, clean, confusing retort for someone that is rude enough to ask this kind of question.
9. “Did you use fertility drugs?”
I don’t want to get all misty here but all babies are miracles and by asking a question like that you’re somehow implying that babies that were conceived with ‘help’ are different from babies that weren’t. Not cool, so don’t ask.
10. “Should you be eating that?”
This whole website is about people embellishing myths and half-truths to scare the crap out of pregnant ladies. So unless she’s about to accidentally snack on dog shit, don’t say anything and let the poor girl eat.
Finally, there are three things you always say to pregnant women:
1. “You look fantastic”
Even if she is a sweaty, wheezing Jabba the Hut with swollen ankles and a maternity top that no longer covers her belly, tell her she looks fantastic. She is making a person and that’s pretty fantastic.
2. “That’s wonderful”
If she tells you she’s going to give birth squatting in a Mr. Turtle pool surrounded by chanting Tibetan squirrels, you say “that sounds wonderful”. Every pregnant woman makes about 200 declarations of what she is and isn’t going to do and about 4 stick. Don’t ruin her moments.
3. “It’s going to be alright”
When she starts crying because the pizza shows up wrong or she panics because she used regular detergent to wash the baby’s onsies so she’ll be a horrible mother or simply because she threw a reciprocating saw at your head because “you’re too much of a moron to understand what she’s going through”. This is when it’s a good idea to pull out “it’s going to be alright”. A side car of “you look fantastic” couldn’t hurt either.