Other Things Not To Say To A New Mom

My Mother Doesn't Want Your Advice Onesie
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I get it.  I’m a new mom.  You, stranger at the grocery store, are an old-hat mom.  You know shit.  

For some reason that gives you license to give me advice.

I’m sure you mean well.

But you can shut the fuck up.

 

“Sleep when the baby sleeps”giphy-2

First of all…. DUH.

Second of all… YEAH RIGHT.

Do you remember what it was like to have a new baby?  Do you remember the round-the-clock feedings and the fact that, aside from the first few weeks, your life doesn’t actually stop when the baby’s home.

There are animals to feed (or, even worse…other children!), bills to pay (only if you like warm showers and electricity), housework to do (I’m all for putting it off…but I don’t actually want my newborn eating flies for breakfast from our sink/dish pile), friends/family/husbands to hang out with (and maybe talk about things other than POOP!), and (most importantly) FOOD TO EAT AND SHOWERS TO TAKE!!!

If you want to actually do any of those things…you will never sleep when the baby sleeps.

You know you should.

But you won’t.

Hearing it over and over is just cruel.

 

“Did you not want a natural childbirth?”

giphy-8

First of all… WHAT.

Second of all, this was actually said to me by a makeup artist at work a few weeks ago.  She didn’t mean anything bad by it, she wasn’t being judgmental, just curious.  But it punched me in the gut.

No matter what your birth story or experience….It’s YOURS.  You can talk about it if you want to.  No one should assume anything.

and on that note…

 

“Did you not want to breastfeed? … Don’t you know it’s better?”

giphy-5OH.

MY.

GOD.

Everyone leave everyone else the fuck alone.

Is your baby alive?

Great.

However you are keeping that up, keep it up.  Boobs.  No boobs.  Don’t care.

Do YOU.

 

“Is he/she on a schedule?”

giphy-10

He’s on a eat/sleep/poop/cry/eat/snuggle/sleep/repeat schedule.  The end.


 “Well, for MY baby….”giphy-3

DON’T.

CARE.

(Unless you’re going to tell me that everything sucks.  Then I’ll hug you.)

 

“You think this is bad?  Just wait until he crawls/walks/is teething/is running/learns the word no/is a pre-teen/is a teen/etc.”giphy-6

Yes.

All of the stages are hard in their own way.

They will be more or less hard depending on the kid, and the stage, and how you handle the kid and the stage.

But.

Can we wait until that happens to be scared of it, please?

The last thing I need to hear when I haven’t slept in 4 months is

“Just wait.  It gets worse.”

Fuck you.  You suck.

 

“Enjoy every second!”

giphy-7

Ok.

I mean.

Yes.

Sure.

I am enjoying many many seconds.  SO MANY SECONDS.

But also, there are some that suck.

Can we agree that there are some that suck?

NOT ALL THE SECONDS ARE PERFECT LITTLE MIRACLE SECONDS!!!

And that’s ok.

 


Let’s just assume, if you are talking to a new mom…

She is not getting enough sleep.

Her birth story is her business, if she wants to tell you about it SHE WILL.

Same for boobs.  Her boobs.  Her story.

Schedules are HARD.  She’s trying.  And constantly feels like she’s failing at it.

She doesn’t want to know if your kid was an amazing sleeper.  Or pooped rainbows.  Or was sitting up and grasping and running a marathon and basically a genius by age 4 months.  She’s very hormonal.  Telling her any of this is a good way to lose an eye.

She also doesn’t want to think about how hard the next stages will be. Let her survive the current stage first.

She’s savoring the moments, she knows they “go by too fast”, but she is also completely exhausted and overwhelmed.  So it has to be ok that not every moment is great.  The seconds that are perfect are heart-explodingly perfect.  That’s way more than enough.

 

THINGS TO SAY TO A NEW MOM 

I brought you food.

Dude. I know. I KNOW.

I brought you wine.

My god, that’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. Yes, I want to see 400 more photos. (LIE.)

Give me the baby, I already washed my hands and haven’t been within 1000 feet of a sick person in 5 years.

I’m here to clean your house.

I’m here to steal you for an hour. Give your husband the baby. We are getting massages.

I love you. You are doing an awesome job.

200

End of rant.

Now, can somebody please feed me?

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Other Things Not To Say To A New Mom

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16 Comments

  • I’m a first time mom of a 2 month old and I hear all this mess everyday, from family members and friends. This drives me crazy. Plus they always wanna know why I’m so moody. REALLY!! I’m sleepy, haven’t eaten a meal without rushing it down, I barely get to take a shower, my boobs hurts, my milk is also drying up because of the lack with the first 2 issues and oh yeah I JUST HAD A BABY!! Thank you so much for this blog this is exactly how I’m feeling at this very moment and now I know I’m not alone.

  • I gave birth AGAIN in august after giving birth August 2016. My eldest is 12 and i would love to take a nap or shower, or go to the bathroom alone for that matter ….you know regularly. Yesterday while re-arranging our bedroom to fit 2 cribs my husband looked at me defeated and said “we used to have our OWN space, our own stuff….what happened?” And i just sat there with one baby in a crib and another in my boob and blankly stared at him and said ” no idea” . One day im sure i will look back at all, laugh and after a good night sleep i will sugar up my grandkids so my children know all we did out of the love of their tiny buns.

  • I don’t mind hearing how other mother’s do things, but probably out of all these the only one I got that I didn’t appreciate was when I told someone I couldn’t breast feed due to a medication I was on. “Oh that’s too bad” like my kid was going to be so unhealthy over it. Sleep when the baby sleeps was actually great advice for me, but I understand what works for one mom might not work for others.

  • This is a part of of what is tragically lost in our culture- women mentoring other women in childbearing and child rearing and being wives. But…wth can you say to someone who’s never been there, yet knows it all??? Oh my GOSH, as a Mom of five, I KNOW without hesitation that we all need all the help we can get!!!! Humility- ever hear of it?? If there is anything that will humble you fast, it’s parenthood.
    Good. Luck. With that.
    I haven’t slept in years. But I don’t feel entitled to be a total bitch to everyone around me about it. Yes, a lot of parts of it do suck. But if it sucks THAT badly, heaven forbid you should have any MORE children (‘worse’, according to this ‘poignant’ piece..)

  • I LOVE YOU LADIES!!!!!!
    I’m finially in the Grandma stage now♡ Pure BLISS♡ Sugar those little buggers up, and send their cute little asses home to their parents ♡ …..
    Hahahahaha…….Now you be good babies for mommy and Daddy♡
    Gram’s going home for a long NAP♡♡

  • I’ve been a new mom for just over 9 months… this was some perfect timing after having a difficult week of teething, snot and diaper rash! Thank you for putting into words what I want to yell to people all the time!

  • YES YES YES!!! This is wonderful!!! I’ve been wanting to write about the New Mom experience on this level, to reach out to other moms like us and for the world to either remember or learn that this sucks. But it’s OK that it sucks. It is what it is. And embracing the suck is what helps you get through it. Doesn’t make you a bad mom or person. It makes you HUMAN. Thanks for sharing! Loved reading it!

  • Oh girl, yep. Those are all the things. Especially the things that you DO say, and the part about not saying the just wait until… I mean, we’re barely staying afloat! We need hope, not hearing that it’s only gonna get harder.

    Thanks for writing it.

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