I get it. I’m a new mom. You, stranger at the grocery store, are an old-hat mom. You know shit.
For some reason that gives you license to give me advice.
I’m sure you mean well.
But you can shut the fuck up.
Here are 7 Things Not to Say to a New Mom
“Sleep when the baby sleeps”
First of all…. DUH.
Second of all… YEAH RIGHT.
Do you remember what it was like to have a new baby? Do you remember the round-the-clock feedings and the fact that, aside from the first few weeks, your life doesn’t actually stop when the baby’s home.
There are animals to feed (or, even worse…other children!), bills to pay (only if you like warm showers and electricity), housework to do (I’m all for putting it off…but I don’t actually want my newborn eating flies for breakfast from our sink/dish pile), friends/family/husbands to hang out with (and maybe talk about things other than POOP!), and (most importantly) FOOD TO EAT AND SHOWERS TO TAKE!!!
If you want to actually do any of those things…you will never sleep when the baby sleeps.
You know you should.
But you won’t.
Hearing it over and over is just cruel.
“Did you not want a natural childbirth?”
First of all… WHAT.
Second of all, this was actually said to me by a makeup artist at work a few weeks ago. She didn’t mean anything bad by it, she wasn’t being judgmental, just curious. But it punched me in the gut.
No matter what your birth story or experience….It’s YOURS. You can talk about it if you want to. No one should assume anything.
and on that note…
“Did you not want to breastfeed? … Don’t you know it’s better?”
Everyone leave everyone else the fuck alone.
Is your baby alive?
However you are keeping that up, keep it up. Boobs. No boobs. Don’t care.
“Is he/she on a schedule?”
He’s on a eat/sleep/poop/cry/eat/snuggle/sleep/repeat schedule. The end.
“Well, for MY baby….”
(Unless you’re going to tell me that everything sucks. Then I’ll hug you.)
“You think this is bad? Just wait until he crawls/walks/is teething/is running/learns the word no/is a pre-teen/is a teen/etc.”
All of the stages are hard in their own way.
They will be more or less hard depending on the kid, and the stage, and how you handle the kid and the stage.
Can we wait until that happens to be scared of it, please?
The last thing I need to hear when I haven’t slept in 4 months is
“Just wait. It gets worse.”
Fuck you. You suck.
“Enjoy every second!”
I am enjoying many many seconds. SO MANY SECONDS.
But also, there are some that suck.
Can we agree that there are some that suck?
NOT ALL THE SECONDS ARE PERFECT LITTLE MIRACLE SECONDS!!!
And that’s ok.
Let’s just assume, if you are talking to a new mom…
She is not getting enough sleep.
Her birth story is her business, if she wants to tell you about it SHE WILL.
Same for boobs. Her boobs. Her story.
Schedules are HARD. She’s trying. And constantly feels like she’s failing at it.
She doesn’t want to know if your kid was an amazing sleeper. Or pooped rainbows. Or was sitting up and grasping and running a marathon and basically a genius by age 4 months. She’s very hormonal. Telling her any of this is a good way to lose an eye.
She also doesn’t want to think about how hard the next stages will be. Let her survive the current stage first.
She’s savoring the moments, she knows they “go by too fast”, but she is also completely exhausted and overwhelmed. So it has to be ok that not every moment is great. The seconds that are perfect are heart-explodingly perfect. That’s way more than enough.
THINGS TO SAY TO A NEW MOM
I brought you food.
Dude. I know. I KNOW.
I brought you wine.
My god, that’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. Yes, I want to see 400 more photos. (LIE.)
Give me the baby, I already washed my hands and haven’t been within 1000 feet of a sick person in 5 years.
I’m here to clean your house.
I’m here to steal you for an hour. Give your husband the baby. We are getting massages.
I love you. You are doing an awesome job.
End of rant.
Now, can somebody please feed me?