Clever Pregnancy Comebacks : Part Three

Here is the final installment of the Clever Comebacks!

Thanks to the peeps on Facebook who helped me with the “caffeine” comebacks – all I could think of was “fuck off”.

Are you sure you’re not having twins?! You’re so big!

  • Shhh, it’s actually a litter of puppies but don’t tell anyone yet.
  • No, I actually have a condition called “Ur-a-dick”. Google it. It’s spelled the way it sounds.
  • Did you say “twins” or “violins”? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.

“Is the nursery ready?”

  • No, the baby isn’t going to be staying with us.
  • Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
  • Sort of, we’re just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.

“You must have wanted a girl/boy instead”

  • Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
  • Yes, I’m having a custom t-shirt made that says “I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl”.
  • I’ll just trade it for something else in the hospital.

“You’re just hormonal.”

  • Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
  • “I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn’t mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil.”
  • I think you mean “ormornal”. The “h” is silent when you’re speaking in moron.

“How are you going to handle another one?!”

  • We’re selling the oldest one on eBay.
  • Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
  • I just won’t pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.

How ya feeling? (with a head tilt).

  • I don’t know, I’m still a little drunk.
  • Strangely violent today.
  • It’s funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).

“You should NOT be drinking caffeine.”

(or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that’s none of their damn business).

  • Oh my gosh, Th…ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
  • The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don’t fuck with the Voices.
  • Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
  • You shouldn’t be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn’t bring that to your attention.
  • This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
  • It’s not caffeine. It’s doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
  • You’re right, tequila is better.
  • Fuck off.

Pregnancy Comebacks Part 1

Pregnancy Comebacks Part 2

 

 

More from Amy Morrison

100 Great Gifts Ideas for Babies Under One

If you have a baby you’re going to be asked about gift...
Read More

You May Also Like

47 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.