Here is the final installment of the Clever Comebacks!
Thanks to the peeps on Facebook who helped me with the “caffeine” comebacks – all I could think of was “fuck off”.
Are you sure you’re not having twins?! You’re so big!
- Shhh, it’s actually a litter of puppies but don’t tell anyone yet.
- No, I actually have a condition called “Ur-a-dick”. Google it. It’s spelled the way it sounds.
- Did you say “twins” or “violins”? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.
“Is the nursery ready?”
- No, the baby isn’t going to be staying with us.
- Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
- Sort of, we’re just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.
“You must have wanted a girl/boy instead”
- Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
- Yes, I’m having a custom t-shirt made that says “I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl”.
- I’ll just trade it for something else in the hospital.
“You’re just hormonal.”
- Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
- “I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn’t mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil.”
- I think you mean “ormornal”. The “h” is silent when you’re speaking in moron.
“How are you going to handle another one?!”
- We’re selling the oldest one on eBay.
- Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
- I just won’t pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.
How ya feeling? (with a head tilt).
- I don’t know, I’m still a little drunk.
- Strangely violent today.
- It’s funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).
“You should NOT be drinking caffeine.”
(or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that’s none of their damn business).
- Oh my gosh, Th…ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
- The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don’t fuck with the Voices.
- Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
- You shouldn’t be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn’t bring that to your attention.
- This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
- It’s not caffeine. It’s doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
- You’re right, tequila is better.
- Fuck off.