“Wow. You’re going to have your hands full.”
- “Yes, I am. Here is the sign-up sheet so you can sign up to come over and help out. There are several slots open between two and three in the morning.”
- Said wide-eyed and breathlessly, with hands clasped under chin: “Yes, full of looooooove.” ::blink blink::
- “Congratulations on achieving your degree in Master of the Obvious.”
“Better you than me.” (Seriously, I got this one.)
- “Obviously.”
“Wow. How are you going to breastfeed that many babies?” (Said to me by drunken, leering co-worker at a party.)
- ::roundhouse kick to skull::
- “My husband’s taking some medications so he can help with that.”
“Are they natural?” (This is code for, Did you use fertility treatments?)
- “No, latex.”
“Do twins run in your family?” (Also code for, Did you use fertility treatments?)
- “Yep.” (Total lie.)
“Did you do fertility treatments?”
- “No. My husband’s sperm is just super-powerful.”
- “No. I slept with two different men, and that’s how this happened.”
- “I did. Now let’s discuss your menstrual cycle.”
- “I did. Now let’s discuss the most emotionally gut-wrenching time in your life.”
- “Why do you ask?” This is the actual answer I always gave. If someone asks because they’re struggling with infertility, I am more than happy to discuss it. If you’re just being nosy, you can bite my huge pregnant ass.
“So, you’re like Octomom?”
- “Totally. I’m selling my bras on e-bay right now.”
“You should get a reality show like the Gosselins.”
- “What a great idea! Because I’m totally about exploiting my children while allowing a national audience watch my marriage fall apart.”
“My [insert distant relative] had twins and had the most horrible delivery. Let me tell you all about it…”
- ::Knocks other person out cold with handy copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting.::
“Aren’t twins/triplets/higher-order multiples more likely to have developmental problems?”
- “Well, that can happen to any child. Case in point: you.”
“Oh. Mah. Gawd. How are you going to lose all that weight?”
- “Your husband doesn’t seem to mind.”
