- I know!! It’s like I’m growing a whole baby or something!
- Holy shit, you too!
- I don’t know why either, all I consume these days is cocaine and Diet Sprite. Weird, eh?
“Don’t you know what causes that?”
- Public pools, right?
- Yes, fucking.
- Why are you asking? Can’t you remember?
“How many more babies are you going to have?”
- Somewhere between one and 47.
- It depends on how many we sell.
- We plan to keep going until we have an ugly one.
“You’re not going to find out the sex? But don’t you want to know? It would… drive me crazy!”
- Well, that’s a short drive anyway, isn’t it?
- It wouldn’t matter anyway because we’re naming it Thermos the Third whether it’s a boy OR a girl.
- I’m kind of hoping it’s neither and it’s just gas.
“Should you be eating that?”
- Well, seeing as you’re already eating your foot, I figured I may as well eat this.
- No, I should be eating lots of it.
- Why, because you think it’s as dangerous as asking me that question?
“Feeling fat yet?”
- Whoa, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How weird is that?!
- That’s right. Feelin’ phat with a “ph”, Hooker.
- You feelin’ lucky, Punk?
“You still haven’t had that baby yet?”
- I’m trying to hold it in so I can finish a novel I’m working on.
- Oh, I had it, I just left it in the car today.
- Don’t worry; you will know when your husband starts paying child support.
- I had it yesterday but I’m trying to shoplift this basketball so could you bugger off?
“You better sleep now because once that baby gets here…”
- Why!? Don’t they sleep?! Next you’ll tell me they poop too.
- (lower your voice then say) Actually, I don’t sleep now. I just sneak into your bedroom and watch you sleep. You sleep like an angel. My secret, dirty, little angel.
- Sleep is for pussies and ugly people.
“Was this an accident?”
- Were you?
- As much of an accident as if I fired out and punched you in the face right now.
- Yes! I tripped and fell on a dick.
“You’re so small!”
- A really heavy person said that to me yesterday too. I guess it’s all relative.
- I had my internal organs removed so I wouldn’t have to buy bigger pants.
- I know. I can still deliver a clean roundhouse to someone’s face. Isn’t that great?
Are you sure you’re not having twins?! You’re so big!
- Shhh, it’s actually a litter of puppies but don’t tell anyone yet.
- No, I actually have a condition called “Ur-a-dick”. Google it. It’s spelled the way it sounds.
- Did you say “twins” or “violins”? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.
“Is the nursery ready?”
- No, the baby isn’t going to be staying with us.
- Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
- Sort of, we’re just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.
“You must have wanted a girl/boy instead”
- Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
- Yes, I’m having a custom t-shirt made that says “I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl”.
- I’ll just trade it for something else in the hospital.
“You’re just hormonal.”
- Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
- “I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn’t mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil.”
- I think you mean “ormornal”. The “h” is silent when you’re speaking in moron.
“How are you going to handle another one?!”
- We’re selling the oldest one on eBay.
- Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
- I just won’t pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.
Related: Other Things Not To Say To A New Mom
“How ya feeling?” (with a head tilt).
- I don’t know, I’m still a little drunk.
- Strangely violent today.
- It’s funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).
“You should NOT be drinking caffeine.”
(or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that’s none of their damn business).
- Oh my gosh, Th…ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
- The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don’t fuck with the Voices.
- Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
- You shouldn’t be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn’t bring that to your attention.
- This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
- It’s not caffeine. It’s doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
- You’re right, tequila is better.
- Fuck off.