Clever Pregnancy Comebacks

“You’re huge!”

  • I know!! It’s like I’m growing a whole baby or something!
  • Holy shit, you too!
  • I don’t know why either, all I consume these days is cocaine and Diet Sprite. Weird, eh?

 

“Don’t you know what causes that?”

  • Public pools, right?
  • Yes, fucking.
  • Why are you asking? Can’t you remember?

“How many more babies are you going to have?”

  • Somewhere between one and 47.
  • It depends on how many we sell.
  • We plan to keep going until we have an ugly one.

 

“You’re not going to find out the sex? But don’t you want to know? It would… drive me crazy!”

  • Well, that’s a short drive anyway, isn’t it?
  • It wouldn’t matter anyway because we’re naming it Thermos the Third whether it’s a boy OR a girl.
  • I’m kind of hoping it’s neither and it’s just gas.

 

“Should you be eating that?”

  • Well, seeing as you’re already eating your foot, I figured I may as well eat this.
  • No, I should be eating lots of it.
  • Why, because you think it’s as dangerous as asking me that question?

“Feeling fat yet?”

  • Whoa, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How weird is that?!
  • That’s right. Feelin’ phat with a “ph”, Hooker.
  • You feelin’ lucky, Punk?

 

“You still haven’t had that baby yet?”

  • I’m trying to hold it in so I can finish a novel I’m working on.
  • Oh, I had it, I just left it in the car today.
  • Assholethatstatestheobvioussayswhat?
  • Don’t worry; you will know when your husband starts paying child support.
  • I had it yesterday but I’m trying to shoplift this basketball so could you bugger off?

“You better sleep now because once that baby gets here…”

  • Why!? Don’t they sleep?! Next you’ll tell me they poop too.
  • (lower your voice then say) Actually, I don’t sleep now. I just sneak into your bedroom and watch you sleep. You sleep like an angel. My secret, dirty, little angel.
  • Sleep is for pussies and ugly people.

 

“Was this an accident?”

  • Were you?
  • As much of an accident as if I fired out and punched you in the face right now.
  • Yes! I tripped and fell on a dick.

 

“You’re so small!”

  • A really heavy person said that to me yesterday too. I guess it’s all relative.
  • I had my internal organs removed so I wouldn’t have to buy bigger pants.
  • I know. I can still deliver a clean roundhouse to someone’s face. Isn’t that great?

 

 

Are you sure you’re not having twins?! You’re so big!

  • Shhh, it’s actually a litter of puppies but don’t tell anyone yet.
  • No, I actually have a condition called “Ur-a-dick”. Google it. It’s spelled the way it sounds.
  • Did you say “twins” or “violins”? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.

 

“Is the nursery ready?”

  • No, the baby isn’t going to be staying with us.
  • Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
  • Sort of, we’re just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.

 

“You must have wanted a girl/boy instead”

  • Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
  • Yes, I’m having a custom t-shirt made that says “I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl”.
  • I’ll just trade it for something else in the hospital.

 

“You’re just hormonal.”

  • Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
  • “I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn’t mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil.”
  • I think you mean “ormornal”. The “h” is silent when you’re speaking in moron.

“How are you going to handle another one?!”

  • We’re selling the oldest one on eBay.
  • Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
  • I just won’t pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.
Related: Other Things Not To Say To A New Mom

“How ya feeling?” (with a head tilt).

  • I don’t know, I’m still a little drunk.
  • Strangely violent today.
  • It’s funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).

 

“You should NOT be drinking caffeine.”

(or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that’s none of their damn business).

  • Oh my gosh, Th…ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
  • The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don’t fuck with the Voices.
  • Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
  • You shouldn’t be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn’t bring that to your attention.
  • This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
  • It’s not caffeine. It’s doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
  • You’re right, tequila is better.
  • Fuck off.

 

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