Clever Pregnancy Comebacks

johnny cash flipping the bird

I asked the ‘pregnant army‘ what some of their best pregnancy comebacks were to rude questions and they did not disappoint. Some of these questions aren’t necessarily awful, they just get a little tiring when you’re asked it for the millionth time.

Best Clever Pregnancy Comebacks

“You’re huge!”

  • I know!! It’s like I’m growing a whole baby or something!
  • Holy shit, you too!
  • I don’t know why either, all I consume these days is cocaine and Diet Sprite. Weird, eh?

“Don’t you know what causes that?”

  • Public pools, right?
  • Yes, fucking.
  • Why are you asking? Can’t you remember?
office space gif for clever pregnancy comebacks

“How many more babies are you going to have?”

  • Somewhere between one and 47.
  • It depends on how many we sell.
  • We plan to keep going until we have an ugly one.

“You’re not going to find out the sex? But don’t you want to know? It would… drive me crazy!”

  • Well, that’s a short drive anyway, isn’t it?
  • It wouldn’t matter anyway because we’re naming it Thermos the Third whether it’s a boy OR a girl.
  • I’m kind of hoping it’s neither and it’s just gas.

“Should you be eating that?”

  • Well, seeing as you’re already eating your foot, I figured I may as well eat this.
  • No, I should be eating lots of it.
  • Why, because you think it’s as dangerous as asking me that question?
jim carrey chewing

“Feeling fat yet?”

  • Whoa, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How weird is that?!
  • That’s right. Feelin’ phat with a “ph”, baby.
  • You feelin’ lucky, Punk?

“You still haven’t had that baby yet?”

  • I’m trying to hold it in so I can finish a novel I’m working on.
  • Oh, I had it, I just left it in the car today.
  • Assholethatstatestheobvioussayswhat?
  • Don’t worry; you will know when your husband starts paying child support.
  • I had it yesterday but I’m trying to shoplift this basketball so could you bugger off?
whitney houston not impressed - Clever Pregnancy Comebacks

“You better sleep now because once that baby gets here…”

  • Why!? Don’t they sleep?! Next you’ll tell me they poop too.
  • (lower your voice then say) Actually, I don’t sleep now. I just sneak into your bedroom and watch you sleep. You sleep like an angel. My secret, dirty, little angel.
  • Sleep is for pussies and ugly people.

“Was this an accident?”

  • Were you?
  • As much of an accident as if I fired out and punched you in the face right now.
  • Yes! I tripped and fell on a dick.

“You’re so small!”

  • A really heavy person said that to me yesterday too. I guess it’s all relative.
  • I had my internal organs removed so I wouldn’t have to buy bigger pants.
  • I know. I can still deliver a clean roundhouse to someone’s face. Isn’t that great?
Leslie Knope making a mad face

Are you sure you’re not having twins?! You’re so big!

  • Shhh, it’s actually a litter of puppies but don’t tell anyone yet.
  • No, I actually have a condition called “Ur-a-dick”. Google it. It’s spelled the way it sounds.
  • Did you say “twins” or “violins”? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.

Clever pregnancy comebacks for “Is the nursery ready?” after you’ve been asked a million times

  • No, the baby isn’t going to be staying with us.
  • Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
  • Sort of, we’re just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.

“You must have wanted a girl/boy instead”

  • Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
  • Yes, I’m having a custom t-shirt made that says “I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl”.
  • I’ll just trade it for something else in the hospital.

“You’re just hormonal.”

  • Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
  • “I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn’t mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil.”
  • I think you mean “ormornal”. The “h” is silent when you’re speaking in moron.
woman giving the finger while pretending to put on lipstick for Clever Pregnancy Comebacks

“How are you going to handle another one?!”

  • We’re selling the oldest one on eBay.
  • Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
  • I just won’t pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.

“How ya feeling?” (with a head tilt).

  • I don’t know, I’m still a little drunk.
  • Strangely violent today.
  • It’s funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).

“You should NOT be drinking caffeine.”

(or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that’s none of their damn business).

  • Oh my gosh, Th…ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
  • The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don’t fuck with the Voices.
  • Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
  • You shouldn’t be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn’t bring that to your attention.
  • This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
  • It’s not caffeine. It’s doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
  • You’re right, tequila is better.
  • Fuck off.
girl playing trumpet giving the finger

Do you have a clever pregnancy comeback that just killed it?

Let me know in the comments!

You might like:

71 thoughts on “Clever Pregnancy Comebacks

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.