New motherhood doesn't have to be lonely – even at 3 a.m. Here's how building your mom tribe can transform those isolating early months into a journey you never walk alone.
The Reality of New Mom Loneliness
"We still on for brunch Sunday? (I promise we are lice-free!!)"
This text from my friend Margaret perfectly captures what real mom friendship looks like. She's part of what we call "The Kid Leash Club" – a four-woman group that jokes about leashing our children (though after a few close calls, it's not entirely an empty threat).
The most common complaint I hear from new moms? The overwhelming loneliness, especially in those first few months when you're homebound with a tiny human whose repertoire consists of eating, sleeping, and pooping.
I've been mind-numbingly bored as a new mom. I've been so exhausted I bordered on delusional. I've felt frustrated, panicky, confused, and anxious. But never once have I been lonely, and I have my mom tribe to thank for that.
What a Real Mom Squad Looks Like
You know you've found the right people when you can send texts like "Hey, did your kid ever have any poops that were kind of multi-colored?" without hesitation. When confessing, "I just picked part of my sandwich out of the folds in Jesse's neck and ate it," gets met with "It's still good! He's clean!" – that's your squad.
These friendships aren't built on perfection. They're built on radical honesty about the messy, unglamorous reality of early motherhood. Your people are out there. You just have to be willing to look.
Your Squad Can Be Virtual (And That's Actually Great)
Here's the beautiful thing about motherhood in the digital age: your squad doesn't need to live on your street. Physical proximity is no longer required for deep friendship.
Your mom tribe can be entirely virtual – a kindred sorority spread across multiple time zones. This actually works in your favor, since a mom friend in San Diego is still awake when you're mid-meltdown at midnight in Virginia.
I became close friends with a mom I've never met in person. We connected on Instagram during the dreaded 3-month sleep regression and communicated solely through direct messages at ungodly hours. We alternated between consoling our babies and trying to figure out why they wouldn't sleep. Through it all, I found comfort knowing I wasn't alone.
Finding Your People: Where to Start
Online Communities
- Instagram mom accounts and hashtags
- Local Facebook mom groups
- Pregnancy and parenting apps with community features
- Reddit parenting subreddits
In-Person Connections
- Hospital or birthing center new parent groups
- Library story times and baby classes
- Parks and playgrounds (strike up conversations)
- Neighborhood parent groups or apps like Peanut
The key is showing up authentically. Skip the perfect-mom facade and lead with honesty about your struggles. You'll be surprised how quickly others open up in return.
The Power of Non-Judgmental Support
In an era when mom-shaming runs rampant online and off, finding judgment-free friendships becomes even more critical. You need moms who won't blink when you show up without makeup or when your child throws a tantrum on their living room floor.
You need moms who will text things like: "Is it bad that when Ollie bumps his head and looks at me to see whether he should be upset, I laugh and he starts laughing? I feel like I'm teaching him some 'Fifty Shades of Grey' stuff."
This is my squad. My people.
As long as I can call them friends, I will never be lonely – even when I'm sitting on my couch in pajamas at 3 p.m., immobilized by a teething baby who refuses to nap any other way.
Your Turn: Build Your Squad
When the opportunity arises to form your own squad or welcome a new member, don't hesitate. Reach out, grab her by the straps of her overloaded diaper bag, and pull her in close.
Offer her a pat on the back, a tissue, a friendly ear, or a heaping cup of coffee. Most importantly, give her a big hug and a reason to laugh. Then never let her go.
Related: Humble Lessons I’ve Learned About Mixing Friends and Kids
About the Author
Emily Solberg is a soon-to-be mom of two under two based in Washington, DC. When she isn't waddling around after her ten-month-old, she's binge-watching episodes of The Crown and freelancing for fun.
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