27 Reasons Postpartum Life is The Best Life
1. Food tastes amazing, especially that first postpartum meal.
2. At some point, you get to go on your first postpartum date night, where you’ll rush through a meal while talking exclusively about your baby.
3. You can sleep on your stomach again.
4. You can go on a sushi/hollandaise sauce/raw cookie dough/processed meat bender without worrying. Maybe just don’t combine them all, or hell, I don’t know, do. You do you, sister.
5. You can tie your shoes without almost passing out from lack of oxygen.
6. You can go from sitting to standing without needing a commercial crane to assist you.
7. You no longer need to worry about exactly how the baby will come out. It’s out! Huzzah!
8. If a stranger touches your belly, you can slap the shit out of them without worrying about giving birth in your local jail while your husband tries to secure bond.
9. The smell of your husband’s aftershave/gym bag/garbage opinions about The Bachelor no longer elicits an immediate gag response.
10. You can eat normal sized portions without entering the vicious Starving –> So Full I Could Die –> Oh God, I’m Gonna Hurl –> Wait, I Think I’m Hungry Again cycle.
11. Your internal organs are no longer the punching bags of your freshly born, future MMA strawweight champion of the world (says in dramatic, echo-y voice).
12. You no longer need help zipping your coat.
13. You can hold your urine as long or longer than the typical kindergartener.
14. You get to watch people you love fall in love with your baby.
15. You can check the blind spot in your car without involuntarily losing your ability to breathe.
16. You can descend a set of stairs relying on your eyeballs, rather than a last minute Hail Mary.
17. If you go out alone, you’re less likely to hear random women tell you about their 4th degree tears whilst selecting a rotisserie chicken.
18. You can cut your own toenails.
19. You can put your underwear on without needing help/falling over/having to hold your breath.
20. You can navigate tight corners without hitting your belly on anything.
21. You can board a bus or airplane without your stomach rubbing against the heads of unsuspecting strangers.
22. You can take as long and as hot of a bath as you’d like.
23. You no longer require spousal assistance to shave your lady garden (if you so choose – no judgment here).
24. Your obsession with taco sauce and Twinkies is now a thing of the past, and no longer a contributing factor to the atomic farts you were dishing out.
25. You are no longer plagued by volcano heartburn.
26. You have a reason to drink all the coffee whenever you want.
27. You no longer have to field an assortment of well meaning, but annoying comments about how you’re still pregnant.
