Many pregnancy sites are creating lists of foods you should avoid this thanksgiving such as undercooked turkey, leftovers that have been sitting at room temperature and avoiding caffeine.
Why thank you. I would never have thought to eat a fully cooked turkey and you can snack on a bowl full of dicks if you think I’m not eating the leftovers sitting on the counter or having coffee while everyone around me is getting smashed.
So I thought I would come up with a truly helpful list of tips to help a pregnant woman through this festive season.
1. Go hungry.
This is the time for you to put the hammer down, Lady. Make that dinner count.
2. Take Tums.
Nothing is worse than being stuffed with heartburn so prepare for the heavy lifting of dinner (see above).
3. Dress in layers.
I don’t care where you live, houses cooking dinner get hot and you are probably running around like a Brazilian steel worker. So be prepared to strip down to accommodate the heat and the belly gravy spills (Bitch, please. I’ve been there.)
4. If you notice the bathroom is available, go.
You don’t want to have to pee after Uncle Mike’s been in there.
5. Take a notepad and pen.
Chances are, you are going to be the designated driver for the evening so keep an ear open for the little drunken tidbits that will drop. Ask who was the favourite of all the siblings. Or why Aunt Mary and Aunt Betty didn’t talk. The pandora’s box of family secrets is about to unfold.
6. Hide a fork.
That way you can still have pie if all the dishes are dirty.
7. Cash in on the “frail pregnant woman” myth.
Help with the clean up for a couple of minutes then hold the edge of the counter and say, “Whew, I feel lightheaded all of a sudden.” Then go sit down.
8. Wear slippers.
So if you want to step outside you don’t have to bend down to put on your shoes.
9. Sit strategically.
Sit somewhere close to the exit so you don’t have to navigate through a bunch of stuff that you could trip over in front of the entire family. Don’t become a family story, dammit.
10. Create a fall buffer.
When you leave, make your husband or partner walk down the stairs in front of you so if you wipe out in your stuffed piñata state, they’ll cushion your fall.
See, isn’t that more helpful than non-alcoholic ginger ale recipes?! I think yes!
Happy Thanksgiving my, habanero hot hookers. I am truly thankful for all of you.