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Fun Stuff Parenthood Toddler

"When I have kids I will never..."

By Amy Morrison

Before people have kids there are many occasions  where they’ll observe parents and think “When I have kids I will never...” Then you go and get yourself some of those cherubic, little angels and, if you’re like me, you have about 8 million, “Oohhh, Now I Get It” moments.

Here are just a few of the little judgment gems that I passed with Gwyneth Paltrow smugness until I had children. I was an idiot but clearly, the Gods were listening.

“My kids will never sleep with me.”

I love my sleep and therefore, any child of mine would be kissed on the head at 7:00 pm, would be put in their crib and would stay there until the morning. Except what I didn’t realize is that it’s really hard for me to sleep through bloodcurdling screaming and that I’d have a kid who thinks Dr. Ferber can go suck it. In a desperate measure, I tossed him into bed with us one night and we’ve all had a good night’s sleep ever since. I don’t tell many people about it because it’s the granddaddy of all my “I’ll Nevers” unless, of course, you bring it up then I’m all over it like the hypocritical hippy I am.

“My kids will eat what they are fed.”

Don’t like dinner? Well, I guess you’re not eating. Then I walk away and think about how I’m already worried about his calcium intake and if he’s eating enough protein. If he goes to bed hungry then he’ll no doubt perish in his sleep all because I wouldn’t let him have cereal at dinner. Here’s your cereal.

“I’ll never ignore my kids like that.”

Why do you even have children if you don’t want to be around them?! How hard is it to accommodate your child if the sweet little petal is asking you to read Goodnight Moon? Pretty hard if it’s the 4,753rd time you’ve read it that day and if you ever have a stroke it will, no doubt, be the only information you’ll retain. Sometimes I just want half-a-stinking-second to think. I love my children but for the love of God, just give me a minute.

“Why don’t you just take your kids to the park, it’s so easy?”

You know, you just sit there while they have fun. Oh, wait you want to go on the swing? No more swing now? Now the slide? Mommy can’t fit up there but hold on tight….whoa…no, come down now!! That’s too high!!  Okay, yes, let’s play in the sand. No, that’s not your truck that’s the little boy’s truck. Give it back, please. No hitting!! Hey, do you want a cookie? The cookies are at home. Okay, let’s go home and get a cookie. Bye park! Kiss my ass until I’ve had another Goodnight Moon stroke and forgotten how horrible you are.

“Why would you take your kids swimming, it’s so hard?”

I mean, it takes about 3 hours to get ready for 10 minutes of fun.  Except I didn’t think of what else I would do to occupy a small child for 3 hours if I wasn’t getting ready for swimming. Plus, no doubt some mom somewhere, some time probably told me that children that don’t learn how to swim by 6 months have an 80% chance of drowning in an inch of water and grow up to be illiterate serial killers – she must have read it in an article somewhere.

“Kids shouldn’t eat crap.”

How hard is it to prepare wholesome, organic, homemade meals and snacks all the time? I once threw an open bag of cheesies down the basement stairs to stop my kids from fighting like drunk white girls while I was on a really important phone call. They swarmed it like raccoons and ate all the trans fat goodness silently off the floor. I stand by my actions and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

“Kids shouldn’t have too much screen time.”

Oh, but what’s that? Children stand behind you like a 20lb footstool when you’re carrying pots of boiling water, try to throw things down the toilet while you’re cleaning it, or take their diaper off and pee down the air vents while you’re taking a shower?! Oh, too bad there isn’t a magical device that played friendly pictures and sounds to distract them for a few minutes while you went poo. Wait. What?

“How hard is it to look half decent after you’ve had a kid?”

If I have pants on when I leave the house I consider my appearance to be completely appropriate and should, therefore, not be judged. I wore glasses with one arm missing for a year and a half because it broke off and I couldn’t find time to fix it. I haven’t been to the dentist since my second son was born and he just turned two. I finally made an appointment because I’m scared I’m going to have teeth like a 14-year old beagle if I don’t smarten up.

“I will never play “kid music”

I too decided that there was no reason for ear bleeding kid music and my kids would listen to only ‘cool’ stuff. Would you like me to sing the theme for Thomas, Five Little Ducks or simply recite the Wiggles entire musical catalog?

“I will NEVER let my kids eat in the car…”

I once did a cookie-baton-pass to my toddler in the back seat as I was rocketing along the highway and he dropped it. HE DROPPED IT! Great. So now your whining has escalated to there’s-a-cookie-in-plain-sight-and-you-can’t-reach-it screaming. I started off with “It’s okay, mommy will get it when she stops the car” to “Shut-up!! SHUT-UP! I’m going to wrap us around a telephone pole if you keep screaming like that!” A proud parenting moment indeed.

“I’ll never get frustrated or upset when my baby cries.”

I am so guilty of this one. Shaken Baby Syndrome? I get it now. I never shook my baby but, man do I. GET. IT. It starts with “What’s wrong, Angel, is it your tummy?” Then after about three hours of crying, you can feel the bouncing getting a little more frantic and the bum patting getting a little more aggressive. There was many a time where I’d put my son in the crib and say “Mommy is just going to go pee and come right back” then I would back out of the room. Danger. Danger.

“I will never let my kids leave the house dressed in stupid looking clothes.”

For a few months, my friend’s three-year-old would only wear a 12T lamb Halloween costume. It was awesome. My friend didn’t think so but I suppose I wasn’t the one pushing around a child that looked like a German folktale in the grocery store so I’ll cut her some slack.

“I will never talk to my children while I am talking to another adult on the phone.”

I’ve yelled “Did you poo?!?” at countless people I’ve been on the phone with – it really cuts down on the telemarketers though. On a similar note, when telemarketers call, my friend says “Oh hang on a sec” then puts her four-year-old daughter on the phone and tells her that somebody wants to talk to her about My Little Pony. It rocks.

“I also swore I’d NEVER sniff a bum to check the status of a diaper.”

Not only have I stuck my hand down a diaper to see if there’s any action going on, but I’m not too upset if hit on anything. I’m actually pleased that my spidey senses were tuned into the smell before anybody else was. It’s so wrong.

“I would never let my kids become my whole life.”

I used to go over to my “previously cool” friend’s place and think how sad it was that her house was overrun with sippy cups, Polly Pocket shoes and Dora the Explorer crap. Now I lay in my hippy bed reading Goodnight Moon until my right eye twitches and they fall asleep. Then I look at their perfect, little faces and wonder how I ever lived without them.

If I could go back in time, I’d tell that childless woman that it’s easy for her to make all these grand proclamations and impose rules on an imaginary child where she hasn’t factored in love, fear, or sleep deprivation.

Then I’d tell her to stop worrying about what she will and won’t do when she becomes a mother and to go take a long look at her fantastic bum in the mirror because it will soon disappear along with the all misconceptions she has about motherhood.

Our next reco: I Have No Idea: Honest Answers to Stupid Questions About Newborn Life

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