“When I have Kids I’ll Never” The Follow Up

'Member how I had a guest post on Rants from Mommyland yesterday? Well, here are some of the "I Would Nevers" that people added that I have totally done but didn't think to add them to my list. Awesome with hot fudge and nuts, I say!!!!

“I swore I would never play “kid music”

I too decided that there was no reason for ear bleeding kid music and my kids would listen to only’cool’ stuff. Would you like me to sing the theme for Thomas, Five Little Ducks or simply recite the Wiggles entire musical catalogue? What’s that? You say the Blue Wiggle is hot?! Why, I hadn’t noticed!!  (Amy)


“I swore I would never take small children on an airplane”

I haven’t gotten on a plane with kids yet, but when I do I’m going to make an announcement that “I apologize for the crying, running up and down the aisles and screaming in advance. As for my kids, this is their first time flying so I don’t know how they’ll behave.” Yuck, yuck. Smart, eh? I won’t do it. I’m too much of a shy suck. (Amy)


“I would NEVER let my kids eat in the car…

Until the day I found myself racing down a highway late for God knows what annoying child function craning my neck back to yell at one (or two or three toddlers) and then threw a banana nut muffin at the one in the way back so she would shut.the.fuck.up. I clocked her in the forehead.”

FRICKIN’ LOVE the muffin grenade! I once did a cookie-baton-pass to my toddler in the back seat as I was rocketing along the highway and he dropped it. HE DROPPED IT! Great. So now your whining has escalated to there’s-a-cookie-in-plain-sight-and-you-can’t-reach-it screaming. I started off with “It’s okay, mommy with get it when she stops the car” to “Shut-up!! SHUT-UP! I’m going to wrap us around a telephone pole if you keep screaming like that!” A proud parenting moment indeed. (Amy)

“I would NEVER put my kid on a leash”



This is the one “never” that I thought was brilliant even before I had kids. Why people think this is cruel is beyond me. So it’s okay to put a harness on a ferret to stop it from running off but something that forever ruined my body and took 40 weeks to gestate, oh no, we let that run in front of a dump truck? I think anybody that comments on leashes should be pushed in front of a bus with the comment “don’t you wish you were tethered to something that could pull you to safety right about now?!” Too harsh? Okay, maybe. (Amy)


“I’ll never get frustrated or upset when my baby cries.”

I am so guilty of this one. Shaken Baby Syndrome? I get it now. I never shook my baby but, man do I. GET. IT. It starts with “What’s wrong, Angel, is it your tummy?” Then after about three hours of crying you can feel the bouncing getting a little more frantic and the bum patting getting a little more aggressive. There was many a time where I’d put my son in the crib and say “Mommy is just going to go pee and come right back” then I would back out of the room. Danger. Danger. (Amy)

“I’ll never talk to my child like they’re a child.”

You know the talk… higher voice, kid-like words, referring to yourself as Mummy all the time. When I went back to work after Baby #1 and had to explain something to someone, I starting talking to them like I would my daughter. Peer review did not go well.”

Awesome! “Did your report fall down, go boom?” I once handed someone a glass and said “two hands”. (Amy)

“I swore too that I would never be that mom that had nothing to talk about but her kids. Oh, whoops. I just did it again…..”

I really try hard to avoid this one but if I shaved cat nuts 24/7 then all I’d talk about is shaved cat nuts so it’s inevitable. Sorry, it’s how I roll now, Son. (Amy)

“I swore I would never let my kids leave the house dressed in stupid looking clothes.”

My friend’s daughter would only wear a lamb Halloween costume that was for a 12-month old and she was three. It was awesome. My friend didn’t think so but I suppose I wasn’t the one pushing around a child that looked like a German folk tale in the grocery store so I’ll cut her some slack. (Amy)

“I will never talk to my children while I am talking to another adult on the phone.”

I’ve yelled “Did you poo?!?” at countless people I’ve been on the phone with – it really cuts down on the telemarketers though. On a similar note, when telemarketers call, my friend says “Oh hang on a sec” then puts her four-year old daughter on the phone and tells her that somebody wants to talk to her about My Little Pony. It rocks. (Amy)

“I also swore I’d NEVER sniff a bum to check the status of a diaper.”

Not only have I stuck my hand down a diaper to see if there’s any action going on, but I’m not too upset if hit on anything. I’m actually pleased that my spidey senses were tuned into the smell before anybody else was. It’s so wrong. (Amy)

Did you read these and think “me likey!”? Well, Kate and Lydia put a list together too, check it out. Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...


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