10 Phases Of Taking A Shower With A Newborn In The House

I asked my bud, Ilana, if I could post one of the sections of her book The Mommy Short’s Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting because I thought it was so bang on. (Although, I would argue that most of my newborn-stage showers ran somewhere in the 20-second mark and not 10 minutes.)

shower-ilana

MINUTE ONE:

Your newborn dozes off in the bouncer and you decide this is the perfect time to take a shower. You go to the bathroom and undress.

MINUTE TWO:

You get nervous your baby will somehow figure out how to detach the strap holding her in the bouncer, giving her free rein of your house. The fact that she can’t move is not important. You run back out of the bathroom (fully naked, I should mention) and successfully transfer the baby to her crib.

MINUTE THREE:

You get in the shower. You allow yourself to appreciate the warm, cleansing water.

MINUTE FOUR:

The baby starts crying. Wait. Is that crying? You aren’t sure. You stick your head out of the shower and listen intently. You might be imagining it. You shampoo as quickly as possible just in case. You wash your body at lightning speed. The baby’s cries get louder. Yes, that is definitely crying now. What about conditioner? Do you have time for conditioner?? You must get out as soon as possible. Wait! Have you shampooed yet? YOU CAN’T REMEMBER!!!

MINUTE FIVE:

The baby’s cries escalate to unbearable levels. OH MY GOD, THE BABY MUST THINK SHE HAS BEEN TOTALLY ABANDONED AND THIS TEN-MINUTE SHOWER IS GOING TO RUIN HER FOR LIFE!!!

MINUTE SIX:

You turn the water off. There is complete silence. Did the baby stop crying or was she never crying to begin with? No matter. Time to condition. You turn the water back on.

MINUTE SEVEN:

Why is the baby being so quiet??? Something must be wrong. You stick your head out of the shower and shout in the baby’s direction. “BABY!!!!!! ARE YOU OKAY?????” The baby doesn’t answer you. OH MY GOD, SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO MY BABY!!!!

MINUTE EIGHT:

The baby starts crying again. OH THANK GOD.

MINUTE NINE:

You emerge from the shower, naked and wet. You run to the baby, nearly slipping on the bathroom floor. You scoop her up in your arms. “OH, SWEETIE! I’M SO SORRY!!!!!! I’LL NEVER SHOWER AGAIN!!!!!”

MINUTE TEN:

Shit. Is that still conditioner in my hair? 


51N87a3SfvLYou can find this post along with more brilliance in Ilana’s book The Mommy Shorts Guide to Remarkably Average Parenting. I’m pissed that I didn’t write but I still highly recommend it. 😉

Ilana Wiles is not a good mother. She’s not a bad mother either. Like most of us, she’s normal. From the creator of the wildly popular blog Mommy Shorts comes Ilana Wiles’s first humor book on remarkably average parenting. If you want solid advice about raising kids, this book is not for you. If you want to wallow in your own misery about how having kids is AWFUL, this book is not for you. This book pays homage to the every-parent and suggests that they are the people having the best child-rearing experience of all. Using Wiles’s signature infographics and photographs to illustrate her personal and hilarious essays on motherhood, the book is an honest guide that celebrates the fun of being a mom.

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10 Phases Of Taking A Shower With A Newborn In The House

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