When you become a mom, you discover a whole new range of talents you never knew you had
New Mom Parenthood Funny Stories

The 10 Steps of a New Mom's Beauty Routine

By Kristina Johnson

When you become a mom, you discover a whole new range of talents you never knew you had. The ability to interpret a dozen different types of cries. The ability to cram hours worth of household chores into your baby’s 20 minute nap. And the one that’s perhaps served me best so far… the ability to get myself ready for the day in 10 minutes or less. How do I do it? My new beauty routine is just ten steps, and it’s so simple that even the most sleep deprived new mom can still follow along.

  1. Shower. Shampoo your hair at least 3 times because you’re so tired you keep forgetting you already did it.
  2. If you managed to complete step 1, give yourself a pat on the back. You can stop right here, if you like, because you’ve already won the day. Proceed only if you’re feeling super ambitious.
  3. Brush your hair, if you can even remember where you last saw a brush. Try not to freak out about postpartum hair loss. Hopefully it’ll stop before the use of a wig becomes necessary.
  4. Stare at your blow dryer and consider using it. Decide your arms are already too tired from constantly lugging around a baby and skip it.
  5. Apply deodorant. Make sure to use ten times the amount that a normal woman would need, because hormones.
  6. Get dressed. Reject at least 4 tops that draw too much attention to how lopsided your post-pregnancy boobs are.
  7. Attempt to put on pre-baby jeans. Change your mind and pull out your maternity pants. Wonder why you were ever masochistic enough to wear anything without an elastic waist.
  8. Check outfit for all manner of baby bodily fluids before leaving the house. Change at least two articles of clothing that don’t pass the test.
  9. Put on makeup. Get distracted and leave one side of your face untouched.

It’s not easy to take time for yourself when you’re a new mom, but the 10th and final step is the most important one of all:

10. Feel gorgeous no matter how many of these steps you get through, because there’s nothing more beautiful (or more badass) than a mom.

Related: A Comprehensive List of Reasons a New Mom is Wet Right Now

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