10 Steps of New Mom Hygiene
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10 Steps of New Mom Hygiene

By Kristina Johnson

When I became a mom, I discovered a whole new range of talents I never knew I had. The ability to interpret a dozen different types of cries. The ability to cram hours worth of to-dos into my baby’s 20 minute nap.

And the one that’s perhaps served me best so far… the ability to get myself ready for the day in 10 minutes or less. How do I do it? My new beauty routine is just ten steps, and it’s so simple that even the most sleep deprived new mom can still follow along.

Step 1: Shower

Shampoo your hair at least three times because you’re so tired you keep forgetting you already did it.

Step 2: You're done

If you managed to complete step 1, give yourself a pat on the back. You can stop right here, if you like, because you’ve already won the day. Proceed only if you’re feeling super ambitious.

Step 3: Brush your hair

If you can even remember where you last saw a brush. Try not to freak out about postpartum hair loss. Hopefully, it’ll stop before the use of a wig becomes necessary.

Step 4: Look at blowdryer

Stare at your blow dryer and consider using it. Decide your arms are already too tired from constantly lugging around a baby and skip it.

Step 5: Apply deodorant

Make sure to use ten times the amount that a normal woman would need, because hormones.

Step 6: Put on a shirt

Reject at least four tops that draw too much attention to how lopsided your post-pregnancy boobs are.

Step 7: Put on pants

Attempt to put on pre-baby jeans. Change your mind and pull out your maternity pants. Wonder why you were ever masochistic enough to wear anything without an elastic waist.

Step 8: Outfit Inspection

Check outfit for all manner of baby bodily fluids before leaving the house. Change at least two articles of clothing that don’t pass the test.

Step 9: Put on makeup

This consists of only chapstick or getting distracted and leaving one side of your face untouched.

Step 10: Feel gorgeous

No matter how many of these steps you get through, because there’s nothing more beautiful (or more badass) than a new mom.

Related: A Comprehensive List of Reasons a New Mom is Wet Right No

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