You decide it’s time to start trying to get pregnant, so you send out some sexy vibes.
But then you realize it can take a while to actually get pregnant, so you have to keep trying. And trying. And trying. To the point where it almost becomes comical, if not a little bit depressing.
And then, with a little (or a lot) of luck, one day you find yourself staring a urine-soaked piece of plastic while the rest of your life flashes before your eyes. Maybe you’re excited. Maybe you’re terrified. One thing’s for sure: you probably have pee on your fingers.
Next you have to tell your partner, who, since this isn’t a Ryan Gosling movie, will probably say something less than romantic.
But no matter, you guys are in this together! You jump into parenthood with enthusiasm, buying books, joining websites, and arguing about little stuff thanks to your raging pregnancy hormones. You might say some things, but at the end of the night all is well as you settle your growing body into his* comforting embrace.
(*your pregnancy pillow)
Time flies by, and as your stomach grows, so too does the amount of unsolicited advice from strangers. Over coffee, you’ll hear about your neighbor’s 4th degree perineal tear. While selecting a ripe melon, a kindly woman will offer up her experiences with induction and nipple stimulation. You will become a master of keeping a poker face, while inwardly shuddering.
Eventually, you will hit a magical window where you look pregnant and feel great. Your locks are flowing, your skin is glowing. Girl, you’re golden. This lasts about 26 seconds, but during those 26 seconds, you will feel like a goddess. Embrace it.
And then that window will be closed, and you’ll be done. The baby won’t be done, but mentally and physically you will be done. Regardless of the time of year, you will be a hot, sweaty, angry, chafed mess who would give anything to go into labor RIGHT. EFFING. NOW.
You will start googling things, like “how to induce labor” and “when will the baby come,” but nothing will work, and one thing will contradict the other. You will feel even hotter, sweatier, angrier, and more chafed.
But alas! One day you will go into labor! And it will be scary and intense and exciting and weird. And also painful.
You might opt for an epidural.
Or you might not.
But no matter how your babe gets here, once you hold it in your arms, you forget about all the trouble you went through. Angels sing, your heart swells, and life is never the same.