Branch Basics Review

Branch Basics
Branch Basics

Let me start by saying I’m a bit of a hypocritical hippy. By this I mean that I am all for natural organic granola items if they work, but I’m getting the shit banned in 12 countries to kill earwigs in my garden if the baking soda/unicorn mist doesn’t work – sorry honeybees and polar bears. I should also note that I fully recognize this is something I should be working on personally.

So, when the folks at Branch Basics asked me if I wanted to try their cleaning product all I could think was, “please be half decent.”

Well, it wasn’t. It was awesome.

So Branch Basic is this cleanser base that is totally organic, totally biodegradable and full of food grade ingredients. It can clean virtually anything from babies to barbeques.


They sent me a bottle cleaner along with an empty spray bottle and hand soap dispenser. I took a look at the card and figured out what the ratios should be for each one and filled them up.

First I washed my hands. Humph, nice job, but I’ve used concoctions I’ve mixed up in a Pinterest flurry to wash my hands so I figure that doesn’t count. Then I washed my counter. Got the sticky mystery glob up. Check. Then I cleaned the bathroom and it got the tub clean and all the pee off the rim of the toilet (welcome to boys). Check. I used the spray on the mirror even though the ratio for glass what lower (hey, I was standing there so I gave it a shot) so I had to buff off a slight film. Then I noticed the next day that the mirror didn’t fog up when I had a shower. Check! What witchcraft is this?!?!

I ran the dishwasher using it. Clean dishes without chemicals, plus, no sudsy explosions. Check. I washed my hair with it and it totally worked. Check. I used it in two loads of laundry – one white and one dark – and the clothes came out great. Check. Then finally I used it to clean my sink with a sprinkling of baking soda and it shone like Tom Hiddleston’s smile. Check, check and check!


I’m sold.

Now, I didn’t have anything really horrific to clean (which is actually surprising as I live with three males and a cat) so I couldn’t test it on tar, vomit, blood or wine spills so I can’t vouch for those yet. But, man, I was really impressed with how well it works on the stuff I did clean.

My other thought was, “I wonder if I could make this?” (See Pinterest flurry above.) I was keen on this vinegar and Dawn mixture thing I saw a few times and it worked great except I dislike that lingering smell of vinegar in my house and, while Dawn is better than some bleach cleansers, it contains crap like methylisothiazolinone and sodium laureth sulfate so I don’t know how far ahead in the game I was getting.

I looked at the bottle and while I recognized all the ingredients, these aren’t things you pick up in the grocery store. Plus, it isn’t that expensive and works out to about 11¢ and ounce (the average cleanser is about 20¢ an ounce) so there’s no point in my brewing this up in my basement anyway.

It comes in a few sizes: 32 oz, 128oz and the 5 gallon bucket which no doubt you would take a picture of to show any person that questioned your commitment to the environment and your family’s health – “chemical free, bitches! Boom!”

My only sadness is that they don’t ship to Canada yet so now I’m going to have to cross the border with three cases of Diet Snapple and two buckets of Branch Basics. ”Nothing to declare here, eh!”

Perhaps Ed Begley Jr would be willing to ride some over on his solar powered unicycle to a fellow hippy, who is now a little less hypocritical.

Happy cleaning!

Although I was compensated for my time, I do not accept payment for positive reviews and only write about stuff I like and recommend – ain’t got time to write about shitty stuff.

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