What do you get when you combine extreme mental and physical strain, sleep deprivation, endorphins, and a smorgasbord of pain killers? Hilarious comments, of course!
If you're in the mood for a good laugh, we've rounded up stories from a Reddit thread by u/Darkovika about the funniest things people have said while giving birth. Good luck not snort laughing through this list.
Here are the funniest so far:
My husband was holding a tiny, USB hand fan next to my face for three hours, and it was the only thing keeping me from throwing up. I looked at him, sobbing, and said “If that thing dies, I’m going to die” and he dramatically whipped out a USB charger and said, “I won’t let that happen!”
We’re still laughing hysterically about it in hindsight LMFAO - u/Darkovika
That's a Wrap
My friend said, as the doctor sutured her episiotomy: "Sew it up all the way, doctor. We won't be using it anymore." - Anonymous
I Scream, You Scream...
Well, it’s not something I said, and it was after the birth.. but as soon as they had my daughter out I realized I hadn’t screamed at all like all the moms did in movies and stuff.. so I just like randomly screamed once? Like for no reason? No one said anything, and I just remember the doctor looking at me like “what the heck..?”. - u/SaraMaeee
My baby was born in early November and when the nurse was telling me what to do so they could place the epidural she said to “round your back like a Halloween cat.” So to remind myself to keep my back rounded during a contraction I moaned haaalloweeeeen caaaaat” in a deep voice. The nurse and my husband thought it was hilarious at the time but I was just trying to get through the dang contraction. 😂 -u/lindsdom
No Shit, Sherlock
My partner very kindly told me ‘she’s coming out’ as I pushed our daughter's head out. It’s the only time I snapped at him through 18hrs of labour and yelled ‘I FUCKING KNOW SHE IS’ 😂 -u/jayclay88
Wait For It...
This happened following a 55 hour labor that ended in an emergency c-section and a 9 lb, 15 oz baby boy. My wife was obviously beyond exhausted (I was also pretty tired but not in the same galaxy as what she went through). Our kid had to spend a day in the nicu, and when they finally brought him to us it was the middle of the night and she could barely stay awake.
As I held our huge son for the first time in that dark hospital room, I heard my wife say, “I should let you know, I had an affair…”
And then nothing. My mind raced trying to comprehend what she just said. Why she had waited til now. Was this child even mine?
About 15 seconds of dark silence passed, and I heard, “… with a giant.”
She had fallen asleep halfway through her joke. Which, I believe, made it that much funnier. -u/couldstopdidstop
I kept telling the nurse I needed to poop, she kept saying "It's just the pressure from the baby moving down" well, I started pooping and yelled at the top of my lungs, in a weird low demonic sounding voice "I'm shitting!!!!" It's been 5 weeks and my fiance and I are still laughing about it. -u/MissAnthropy612
I had an unassisted, accidental home birth because labor took under an hour.
“I’m not having a fucking lobby baby” (referring to Seth Meyers stand up) Husband: that’s good bc we live in a house there’s no lobby.
15 minutes later…
Me to the cop standing by me as I catch my own baby: ummm… there’s a baby in my pants…. -u/jmsilverman
Hurts So Good
I HATED being pregnant, but those last few weeks were so bad. The pressure on my ribs, my diastasis recti, and my back were KILLING ME. I wound up having a c section because my asshole baby was curled up all breech in my ribcage. I was warned a million times by nurses and doctors prepping me for surgery that I might feel some pressure and discomfort. The doctor had to basically jump up and down to push that child out of my uterus sunroof. When he finally popped out, all that pressure and pain was suddenly gone. I screamed, "OH MY GOD, THAT FEELS SO GOOD!" Which is apparently not something they hear on the operating table every day lmao. -u/togostarman
Maybe You Should See Somone About That...
Nurse/doctor: “Push like you’re pooping. It should feel like that!”
Me: “WHAT KIND OF POOPS ARE Y'ALL HAVING?!?” -u/JaxyLu
Cool As A Cucumber
I think it was when they were putting the epidural on me. I felt a cold rush go through my butt and I yelled “ahhhh MA ASSCHEEKS.” The anesthesiologist couldn’t stop laughing. 😂 -u/Sailor_jupiter1313
Ask And You Shall (Not) Receive
During my c-section: “There’s no way I can do this without a sparkling water.”
And the anesthesiologist said, “Well that’s not going to happen.” -u/votivkirche
Honest To A Fault
The nurses and doctors all thought his hair looked a little reddish when he was crowning, and I dye my hair red/auburn so they said “oh he has red hair like mom!” I could barely catch my breath but managed to sob out “this is dyed!” Idk why but I still think it’s funny 5 months later 🤣 -u/kitkatbub
This Little Piggie
So not me but my husband. My husband grew up with pigs, so he's done a lot of pig births. Any guesses where this is going?
My husband barely made it for the birth as it happened so quickly - and just got there for the pushing. My midwife told him to stay by my head if he was squeamish and he said "Oh no I'm fine, I've watched a lot of mama pigs give birth"
I'm pretty sure time froze for everyone in the room. I laughed because I just knew he would say something like that. Everyone seemed a lot less concerned for his life once I laughed. -u/funparent
Does Not Compute
I had a midwife and she brought a student midwife. They were helping me through pushing and the student said, "Breathe like you're underwater!" And I just screamed "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!" -u/illglitterate
(Editors note, for reals, WTF is that supposed to mean!?)
Swing And A Miss...
Not me but my husband during my second birth. It was going quick and by the time I got to the hospital my contractions were so close together that I couldn’t do any of the talking so they asked my husband what I did during my first labour, as in what type of pain management I used. I knew that’s what they were talking about but he somehow missed it. My first labour took all day and started slowly so he replied “baked cookies” because that’s what I did in early labour to keep busy. -u/Doppy101
For my first kid, I had a midwife with me at the hospital and she was trying help me avoid an epidural (in the end I got one and it was awesome). She said I was going to tire myself out screaming and should try to calm myself. She recommended holding my husband’s hands and staring deeply into his eyes. It did not help one bit, and I yelled “it’s HORRIBLE to look at you!” I just meant it wasn’t helping with the pain but…that line has been immortalized in our household, we say it as a joke to each other in moments of annoyance. -u/mtho176
All that Hair!
Baby’s head had crowned and she was about to come out. Nurse walked by and gasped “oh my heavens that hair!” I instantly grabbed my husband’s arm and asked “is she talking about me or the baby?!” -@dtsalm
Do you have a funny story to share?
Drop it in the comments below and let's continue the fun!
Our next reco: Top Ten Things You Never Want To Hear During Childbirth