Infertility Feels Like…

negative pregnancy test infertility

What is it like trying to get pregnant?

  • It’s feeling giddy and excited to FINALLY be trying!
  • It’s waking up each day rubbing your belly hoping there is a little human in there.
  • It’s running into the bathroom for your morning pee (because you know it’s the best time) to pee on a stick that might change your whole world.
  • It’s holding the peed covered stick in your hand staring at it until the timer goes off.
  • It’s squinting to see if maybe in the right light that line would appear.
  • It’s throwing the test away… but, then picking it out of the trash a few hours later to see if it changed to positive.

What is it like to find out you have infertility issues?

  • It’s sitting in the doctor’s office trying not to cry.
  • It’s going home and researching everything you can find about your diagnosis. For me? It’s PCOS.
  • It’s taking your temperature every morning and logging it.
  • It’s turning the fun part of trying into a mechanically choreographed routine, where other fun stuff was cut out because “what’s the point? It won’t make a baby.”
  • It’s praying for a period, something I never thought I would do. Because I knew if I never had my period I couldn’t start my round of Clomid, which meant still no baby.
  • It’s checking parts of my body I never thought I would be checking.
  • It’s taking every vitamin and supplement in the book AND laying with my hips and legs in the air until I was too sore to move…

What is it like to do all of these things and still not be pregnant?

  • It. Is. Devastating.
  • I cried ALL the time. I would cry on my way home from class. I would ugly cry in the shower where I knew no one could see or hear me. I would tear up behind sunglasses when my friends would tell me their exciting news.
  • I felt completely alone.
  • No one wanted to talk to me about it. No one cared that I was struggling with getting pregnant. My own husband was tired of hearing about it.
  • My husband, oh my wonderful husband was always so positive, which really PISSED ME OFF! Like, “how can you be so calm and hopeful? Don’t you know it’s not that easy?!”
  • I became closed off, pessimistic, and mean.
  • I was full of pain and anger. How can a drug addict get pregnant? …and here I am over here doing everything right and I still can’t get pregnant.
  • I hated myself….I blamed myself….

What did I do next?

  • I got fed up with the same rotation of medications that were doing absolutely nothing.
  • I was tired of waiting passively for more time to pass. Because to Doctors the more time that passed, the more I am taken seriously.
  • I sat patiently in the specialist’s office holding my husband’s hand excited to be taking a step towards being a mom.
  • I was scared of what he might say.
  • I was scared we would go broke trying to have a baby. I was scared there would be nothing they could do for us. I was scared I would never be a mother…

How did my story of infertility end?

  • It ended with me making a bunch of long, early morning drives to the specialist’s office.
  • It ended with me getting shots and lots and LOTS of blood work.
  • It ended with me finally getting those 2 lines on that sacred stick!!
  • It ended with me seeing two little black dots on my ultrasound…

Where are we now?

After a long and difficult pregnancy, my beautiful babies were brought into the world with an emergency c-section. I remember lying on that cold hospital table terrified, praying, and holding my breath for that sacred cry to pierce my ears. Tears began rolling down my face the moment I heard that first scream. I held them close, the smallest and most beautiful babies I had ever seen, while crying tears of pure joy. They were healthy and strong!

 

Our next recos:

The Shitty Parts of Trying To Get Pregnant I Wouldn’t Give Back

Sperm Health and 10 Things That Can Affect Fertility

On Not Holding Back Joy

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9 Comments

  • Infertility feels like hope. anger, stress, love, happiness, uncertainty, sadness, desperation, empowerment, etc. All at the same time, in different stages of our journey. I don’t know how to explain it. Until you finally have your baby, and after that the only thing you feel is love!! I needed to go to a fertility clinic in Mexico called Ingenes, since in my country no doctor could help me. Now I am the happiest person in the world. Now I just feel love and joy and love and love!! 🙂

  • Thank you for this post! Infertility affects only 10% of us but we also read these blogs and I’m so tired of not being acknowledged! Infertility is a cold, lonely road but thanks to social media, we have a tribe now!

  • THANK YOU!! I needed this. We are currently struggling to conceive. This made me feel like I am not alone. Congrats on your little babies!

  • I can so relate to your experience, I also have PCOS and struggled to get pregnant but now have a healthy 8 month old son. Congratulations to you- and Cheers to motherhood!

  • Thank you for posting this story. I also endured years of medical procedures and shots. IVF end up being our only option. There is such stigma around it and I avoided talking about it until after we got pregnant and now I shout it from the rooftops. Thank you for helping to shed a light in infertility and remind others that sometimes not everyone can say “the fun part is trying!” Thank you for being brave and sharing! Thank you for taking another step toward making it not taboo to talk about infertility!

  • Omg thank you. You really hit the nail on the head in a way that someone who hasn’t struggled with infertility could not. Congrats on your two blessings!

  • Congratulations on your little ones!

    It took 12 years before I had a pregnancy that ended with a living baby…and until she was in my arms, I still couldn’t believe that I was going to have a baby. Infertility can do a number on your mind!

  • Oh my, this is the most touching post. I can’t imagine what infertility feels like (and I’m not going to try) but just, wow. The end of this post just warmed my heart. I have an eighteen month old boy and he is the light of my life. Little babies really are something else. I’m so glad you got the best outcome anyone could hope for <3 Congratulations! They are little darlings.

    xo, Victoria

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