When I was pregnant with my first, I was overly prepared for his arrival. I had all the things – the crib, swing, car seat, monitor, and all the newest baby gadgets. What I didn't prepare for was my brain to get hijacked by constant scary thoughts.
I'm not talking about the usual new mom worries. I'm talking about the kind of intrusive, scary thoughts that made me check on my baby way more than necessary.
These thoughts would make me picture horrible worst-case scenarios on a loop. "What if I drop him?" "What if he accidentally drowns?" "What if he chokes in his sleep?" "What if I fall down the stairs while holding him?" and on and on and on.
What Is Postpartum OCD?
Postpartum OCD is not just about being overly cautious and worried. It's an actual disorder – part of a group of disorders called perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADS).
It's way more common than people think.
Approximately 15-20% of new moms experience PMADS after giving birth. While most moms expect to feel a little more protective and concerned about their baby, postpartum OCD takes that to a whole new level. You might feel consumed by intrusive thoughts so scary that you are afraid to say them out loud.
For me, it wasn't just worrying that my son would choke or stop breathing. It was being literally obsessed with his health and safety.
I'd check his baby monitor constantly to make sure that nothing terrible had happened. I became obsessed with tracking everything – how many ounces he drank, how many diapers he soaked, how many minutes he napped. I tracked so long and so carefully that I probably could have made a spreadsheet and published a research paper on his bowel habits.
The Ways OCD Shows Up
Postpartum OCD can look different for everyone, but it usually revolves around intrusive thoughts about your baby's safety and compulsive behaviors to make that anxiety go away. Some common examples include:
- Constantly checking on your baby to make sure that they are still breathing (Hi, that's me!)
- Obsessively cleaning and sanitizing because you are so worried about your baby getting sick.
- Tracking how many ounces your baby is drinking even when you know that they are getting enough.
- Repeatedly researching, googling, and going over decisions (like feeding and sleep routines) to make sure that you are doing it "right."
- Avoiding certain things or situations because they feel "too risky."
- Fear of being alone with your baby.
The fear and scary thoughts were so exhausting. If someone touched him without sanitizing their hands, I was convinced he was going to die from RSV. My husband once commented, "Amy, you are not his only hope." At the time, that's literally how I felt.
Why Didn't Anyone Warn Me About This?
Here's the thing: I had no idea that what I was experiencing wasn't normal.
Postpartum OCD isn't something that people talk about enough. Probably because the thoughts can feel so scary and shameful that you are afraid to say them out loud, I was worried that if I expressed my deepest fears, someone would take my baby away. Postpartum OCD thrives on shame. The more you feel like you can't talk about it, the worse it gets.
What Helped Me
You can't "logic" and talk your mind out of postpartum OCD. If you've been there, you know that no amount of "that won't happen" or "trust your instincts" will quiet that nagging voice in your head.
Here is what actually did help:
1. Talking to My Doctor:
This was the hardest step because I was embarrassed to talk about my irrational thoughts. But saying the words out loud helped so much. My doctor didn't shame me, and she didn't take my baby away. Being met with grace and zero judgment was exactly what I needed.
2. Challenging Scary Thoughts
I realized that I needed tools to deal with the constant anxiety spirals. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques helped with this. CBT teaches you that just because you have a thought, it does not make it true, and it definitely does not mean it's going to happen.
I learned visualization strategies like picturing my intrusive thoughts floating away on clouds or on lily pads. I also learned what the OCD worry cycle is and how to recognize when it was happening.
3. Medication
Medication was a lifesaver for me. It gave me some breathing room to help regulate my nervous system. Medication brought me back to baseline, where I was able to better use the CBT strategies that I was learning.
If your doctor suggests it, don't let fear hold you back.
4. Gratitude
When my brain was going 100 mph, using gratitude as a strategy would ground me. I would list (sometimes out loud) the things that I was thankful for. Focusing on gratitude helped shift my mindset from worried to grateful.
If You Are Struggling, There is Hope
Postpartum OCD is real.
It's overwhelming, exhausting, and can be scary. The good news is it is highly treatable with the right support. If you are reading this and thinking, "Oh, this is me," then please talk to your doctor right away.
You are a great mom – you've got this!
Want to read more? Check out our collection of pieces about PPD, PPA, Postpartum PTSD
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