Things I *Wanted* to Say While Pregnant

Today’s guest post is from Lydia at Rants From Mommyland.

I stalked Kate & Lydia from a far then lured them into letting me do their logo. Now we’re like BFFs except I’m not sure if they know it yet. I haven’t decided which one I’m going to go all Single White Female on because I love them both so much – maybe a little hybrid of clog vs. white pants. I don’t know yet. Plus, Kate made me cry with her beautiful post yesterday so you just know I’m not starting from an emotionally stable place. Anyway, here is one of the many reasons I think they are better than butter:

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This post is being simulcast on Pregnant Chicken, home of the funniest, awesomest pregnancy blog of all time.  You may remember that she wrote about all those things that she said she’d never do when she had kids, then she did them all.  In return, I’m writing all about the things I wanted to say to people during my three pregnancies but thankfully did not as it would have probably resulted in fisticuffs.

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“My cervix is none of your damn business, fat man in the elevator.  Stop thinking about my junk, or I will kick you in yours.”

stfuDuring my last pregnancy, I was working at the health department.  That meant that I worked around a lot of people in the medical profession. And many of them felt completely comfortable discussing what was going on with my vagina during, say… a staff meeting.  Or on a conference call with my boss and some public safety officers.  Not cool, people.  I am a walking, talking example of social awkwardness and even I know you’ve crossed the line here.  I don’t care of you’re my husband, best friend, mom, co-worker or OB/GYN do not EVER discuss my personal, private lady parts in public.  And I swear by all that’s holy if I ever hear you say the word discharge, I’m slapping you hard across the face with a sandwich.

“Thank you. I’m glowing because I just violently vomited in your bathroom.”

People used to tell me that I was “glowing” when I was pregnant and I was too embarrassed to tell them it was due to my near-constant throwing up.  At work, in the car, at the house in a variety of locations, at the preschool, even one particularly memorable time at Five Guys.  By the end of my third pregnancy, my entire family could have cared less if I got up from the dinner table to hurl in the kitchen sink.  They’d be all: “Can you grab the salt shaker while you’re in there?”

“I can see that you’re wondering if I’m fat or pregnant.  Well, I’m not going to tell you because you did such a bad job hiding the confused look on your face, jackhole.”

32weeksI have done it myself, asked someone if they’re pregnant and it turns out they were not.  I felt like an ass hat but learned a valuable lesson.  The next lesson is don’t stare intently at a woman’s larger-than-normal belly with a confused look on your face because the thoughts running through your brain are fairly obvious.  In fact, it’s pretty much the same thing as asking, “Are you knocked up again or what?”

“I am allowed to have 250 mg of caffeine per day.  If you give me one more dirty look for buying this latte, skinny whore in the black skirt, I will karate punch you in your damn neck.”

People have to right to judge an obviously pregnant woman in public if she is doing three things: smoking a cigarette, drinking directly from the bottle of Jack Daniels or committing a violent act that could land her in jail.  Actually… Jail might provide her with some much needed peace and quiet, as well as break from her children and the mountain of laundry that needs folding – so really there are only two reasons to judge a pregnant woman.  If she is having a cup of coffee, could you not treat her like she’s committing child abuse?  She is not and you need to mind your own beeswax, Judgey McJudgerson.

“I see you over there, trying to get next to me so you can put your hands on my enormous stomach.  If you touch my belly I will start screaming so loud that you will fall down and dogs from all over down will come running to your prone form.  And I will bray with laughter as they pee on you.”

This is a pregnancy classic.  Random people trying to put their hands on you.  No no no.  If I see someone with a peculiarly bulbous forehead, would it be appropriate for me to walk over to them and cup my hand on their face?  It would not.  Would it be OK for me to pet the head of a stranger with particularly shiny hair? No, of course not.  You shouldn’t even pet a dog without asking first.  Use your damn manners, people.

“I’m so glad you felt you wanted to share your labor story with me.  But I’m trying to eat breakfast so could we please discus your mucous plug a little later?”

stfu2Why do people feel compelled to tell preggos their most horrific labor stories?  No pregnant woman wants to hear how you were in labor for 36 hours and then had to have a c-section and then were mis-dosed with drugs that made you flatline.  And you know what’s the best?  When new dads, who have a 6 month old baby – so they think they’re experts – start to tell you all about what you can expect.  Like they squeezed a baseball out their urethra, got mastitis and then didn’t sleep for two years.  Keep your labor stories to yourself unless someone is literally begging you to share.  And if sharing includes either photos or video, you need help.

“Am I pregnant with twins?  No.  I’m so huge? Am I really? Is this you being nice?  Because I can be nice, too.  I hate your ass face.”

Are you really so amazed by my pregnant belly that you have lost your mind completely? What would make you say this to someone?  Is that supposed to make them feel good?  It’s much more a reflection of your insensitivity than the actual size of my mid-section.  If some poor woman looks like she just swallowed a watermelon, what is served by saying: “My heavens! You look like you swallowed a watermelon!” No no no. You say: “Please sit down.  May I get you a cool beverage and a Thai spring roll?”

“You know what, older-lady-at-the-grocery-store, I am not having this baby any minute now.  I am having this baby in 8 weeks.  OK?  You smell like Vicks Vapo-Rub and cats, and I want to move away from you before I throw up on your padded nylon ankle boots.”

This was another one that drove me crazy.  By the time you’re on pregnancy 2+, you look pregnant at about 15 minutes.  You can go ahead and put all your non-maternity pants into one of those big blue Rubbermaid bins or one of the vacuum sealed plastic hoo-haws until your baby is at least 4 months old.  Your boobs and your bump are out and proud and there’s nothing you can do about it.  So when someone says something like that to you…  Just smile and try not to harm them.

“You know what? I’m growing a person.  If I want to eat this Big Mac and then eat another you will have nothing to say about it.  As a matter of fact, if you try and keep and keep me from my Big Mac and his step-brother, the refreshing and delicious fountain Coke, I will turn into the Incredible Hulk except with pregnancy hormones, and I will rip off the arms you used to steal my cheeseburger.”

While pregnant, I had both food aversions and food cravings.  Mostly it was aversions – everything made me sick.  In fact, though I am not a small person, I did not gain more than 25 pounds during any of my three pregnancies.  Because pretty much everything edible smelled awful to me.  You know what didn’t make me sick?  McDonalds.  I might only eat one thing each day that I could keep down and with my son Hawk – that was usually a Big Mac.  But people don’t think you’re awesome when you eat McDonalds every day instead of organic non-fat
cruelty-free chicken wraps from the Whole Foods take-out counter.  But you know what?  You eat what you can eat.  And everyone else can go suck it.

“What. Did. You. Just. Say. To. Me?  That you can barely tell that I’m pregnant?  What the HELL does that even mean?”

I never understood this one.  Is this supposed to be a compliment? The pregnancy equivalent of saying “you look thin”.  Are you saying I’m normally fat and bulgy in the middle? Or are you saying that I’m measuring small for my gestational age and there’s some sort of heretofor unsuspected problem with my unborn child?  What are you – a doctor? The creepy neighbor lady from Rosemary’s Baby? No? Then shut the hell up and if you want to do something useful, go get me a fountain coke or a large sweet tea.

“I could understand if you couldn’t take your eyes off my belly, but the jugs you’re staring at aren’t even mine anymore.  They’re like two ginormous, bloated, scalding hot water bottles that cause me constant back pain.  How’s that for sexy?”

grannyJust because they’re bigger and they’re meant to feed a baby, doesn’t mean its OK for you to stare at them.  They came to life when I was about 8 weeks pregnant and now these new semi-sentient life forms are attached to my chest and driving me crazy.  Look at my eyes or look at the belly.  The demilitarized zone in between will get you popped in the mouth with my handbag.

“Not so fast, Cap’n.  That’s how I got in this mess in the first place.  For the third time.”

I understand that on some distant planet, there are pregnant women who are really into it.  That’s awesome.  Yay for them.  I have about as much interest in that activity as I do in folding laundry.  Now if you were a donut or a Thai spring roll or a large sweet tea, maybe I’d be interested.  Until then, we’re good.  Maybe.

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For more wicked tales tossed in awesome sauce, check out Rants From Mommyland but just remember, I’m their #1 stalker so, you know, back off.

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  • Once a year in my office a local rep for a service we use comes in to confirm that we still want the service. This was my 2nd year in the office, hence the second time I met him. I was probably about 6 months pregnant. Like most people, he asked about it and I said it was going great. He then started asking about my stretch marks(WTH!!) and proceeded to share a story about how his sister in law “ripped clear up her back” during delivery and he hopped I had it better!!! I now have been avoiding him the last 2 years for his annual visit.

  • I recently found out I am pregnant with our first child and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not safe to say ANYTHING to a pregnant lady… The smallest and most innocent comments make me SO ANGRY… that I want to literally strangle the person who made the comment in the first place…

    Here’s to not taking myself or my hormones and emotions too seriously… 🙂

  • OH MY GOD the one about "not being able to tell you’re pregnant." Because actually I *am* concerned about my child’s fetal weight so anytime anyone tells me I look small it only works to make me that much more anxious about what’s happening. Fuck them all!!!

  • Would it be appropriate to touch someone's particularly shiny hair? No. No it would not. Do people do it anyway? Yup. My hair is to my knees and it's really not uncommon for people to randomly come up and touch my hair. It always irked me, but I'm too timid to do anything more than laugh nervously and chat with them a bit about my hair. However, I did feel downright violated a few weeks ago in the grocery store when some stranger picked up my braid, mumbled to herself about how pretty it was, and ran it through her hands a few times and then wandered off as if she had just manhandled some clothes on a mannequin store display. o_O At least the other people acknowledged the fact that the hair was attached to a human!

    At any rate, at 35 weeks this week (with number 2) I just had an older gentleman in line at McDonalds go into a long tirade of a joke about how he hoped I didn't make him have to deliver my baby right there in line, because he was in a rush and hungry. I laughed it off, thinking "Um, do you KNOW how long labor takes?" and "In an emergency I'd rather my husband deliver my baby, stranger I've never seen before."

  • Haha! Yes, I agree with so many of these! But seriously ladies, take it in stride and enjoy your pregnancies as much as you can. Although I was sick, had horrible sciatica, and gained about 10 pounds in my ankles alone…I miss the feeling of having that baby inside me. It's so special and it's something you only get to enjoy for a few months of your life. So laugh, sympathize with other moms who understand, concentrate on the positive and ignore those who offend you. It'll all be over soon enough!

  • Um. Yes. To all of this. I'm so happy I found this site. If I have one more skinny bitch blatantly stare at my stomach as I walk into work, I will chase her down and beat her. And yes, on my way into work, I AM carrying my cup of Starbucks. Bitch.

    Thanks for writing this!!!

  • OMG! hilarious, and if it wasnt nap time I totally would have been laughing out loud! Now I've "wasted" all this time reading this funny stuff that I've missed my golden opportunity for a nap…ya know before the other 3 yahoos come storming through the front door demanding snacks like its been 10 years since their last meal.
    but maybe, just maybe the laugh was worth it…even if I had to do all my laughing on the inside.

  • When I was 33 weeks with baby #4, a little old lady of East European descent stopped me in the grocery story. She looked at my bulging midsection and, after tsk-tsking and shaking her shawl covered head, told me I'd be giving the baby the next day. I bit back the urge to call he a crazy old witch and softly thanked her for her advice.
    Then I went ito preggo panic mode. I mean, I know I was huge but damn. Did I appear to be in the early stages of labor? The kid hadn't even dropped. I ony gained 18 pounds; why did she think I was about to go into labor. Maybe she knew something I didn't know. After all, she was old and witchy…

    BTW he was born full term SIX WEEKS LATER at 39 weeks and 4 days.

  • "If I see someone with a peculiarly bulbous forehead, would it be appropriate for me to walk over to them and cup my hand on their face?" – Ahaa oh you made me cry with laughter! I'm an un-pregnant 18 year old who just stumbled across your blog and now I'm reading every article just for the entertainment value!

    Also "Judgey McJudgerson" got me good too :,)

  • I am a somewhat belligerent person with flexible boundaries and I still have a problem with folks who touch or rub my pregnant belly without asking. If it's a woman, I've taken to grabbing/rubbing their boob; if it's a dude (and I am amused to find that it is, like 4:1), they get a Nut Tap (ask most guys, they'll define that for ya). I was actually surprised how violated it really does make me feel: like someone else said, I'm already sharing. Use your manners, indeed.

  • Hilarious and so well written! This is going around my group of college friends – who are all pregnant right now! I am on my 3rd baby and measuring 17wks at 13 wks! My midwife of 1200+ births is stumped. I am an itty bitty thing so you can imagine the jumbo pink colored beach ball I blow up by 40 weeks. And you know if I do "pop" I will get a patch. I get all the comments! Mind blowing. I started writing them down my first pregnancy. But aside from comedy, we can't get mad. We have all made inappropriate comments. And clearly these crazy commentors have not had proper etiquitte training growing up, they don't need to be "sliced" for it!

    I say- turn it into humor like this blog. Be amused. Chuckle because the latest comment would be a fabulous addition to this blog. Bottom line – you have a miracle growing inside of you. That's all that matters. So go eat frosted mini wheats and be happy.

  • I am 24 weeks now and at month 16 weeks some BIATTTTTTCH said to me
    "are you pregnant with twins?" and I said "No"…
    "well… umm are you sure?" the anorexic 50 yr old replied.
    I said 'umm YES Im pretty sure me and my doctor saw what was in my uterus and nothing has grown since my last app."..
    SHe said "wow your soo big though"..
    I was dumb founded and nothing could come out.

    I walked away cursing and telling my husband to get the BAIL MONEY READY.. .IM going to go to Jail today….
    I SWEAR If I see that woman again I will tell her off.
    IM so over people talking to me about my pregnancy.

  • "I am allowed to have 250 mg of caffeine per day. If you give me one more dirty look for buying this latte, skinny whore in the black skirt, I will karate punch you in your damn neck."

    substitute "skinny whore in the black skirt" for "judgmental husband who will never understand what it is to be pregnant" and i sympathize completely.

  • Oh how happy this blog makes me. I didn't start out small, lost a ton of weight during the "cant keep anything down phase" then gained a ton back. This makes one of my bosses at the retail job I work CONSTANTLY act like I'm lying about being pregnant. Nope, just got this large firm tumor growing out the front of me. Although she has finally gotten the "when I say I have to pee, I mean I have to pee" after one 4 hour stretch of register time that ended with me sneezing and wetting myself. Oh well. Got to go home early. And tell everyone in line I'm expecting which made them all glare at boss. Haha. Only 2 months to go! (then she can just start treating me like a fat chick, I'm okay with that.)

  • I empathize most definitely! I barely handle the touching, and I work at that evil addictive place called McDonald's (for another 2 weeks anyway) and people say the most unbelievable stuff. 'Wow, you're really starting to pop now!' as opposed to 2 weeks ago when it was 'Wow, you're hardly showing, how far did you say you are?' and that's come from a guy in the grill AND a couple regulars who are women. Idk who offended me more.

    and the MIL. Baby shower weekend, continuously tells me how big I'm getting and not to worry, I WILL get more than the two stretch marks I've thus far been blessed with. And OMG I'm buying a 2 piece swimsuit for our night at the hotel? AND REALLY, I eat so much 'healthier' (aka "more") than I did a couple months ago? I'm 33 weeks, b**tch. bite me. And since she IS MIL, she clearly has had a kid lol.

    I love your rants. I concur heartily pretty much all the time.

  • Two weeks ago someone told me that I'm as big now (at 20 weeks with my first baby) as she was when she delivered. Days later I got the you-don't-even-look-pregnant comment from a group of ladies. Huh. They're both annoying. Great post.

  • "What. Did. You. Just. Say. To. Me? That you can barely tell that I'm pregnant? What the HELL does that even mean?"

    Am I allowed to say this to my mother? Who says this to me with every pregnancy? Now that I am on my 4th pregnancy, I have found that it has angered me more and more each time and if she says it to me again, I may cut her.

  • "You shouldn't even pet a dog without asking first."
    Macaroni and cheese, you hit the nail on the head with that one.
    Luckily, I've only had touching attempts, at which point I saw red and smacked the snot out of the perp. True. I slapped my MIL and my husband's golf partner.

    I wish I had the ball to follow through with a witty comeback when people I don't know want to talk about my bump, which is none of their business.
    And STFU to those people who are all, "They're only asking because they're excited."

    Personally, I'm tired of people a) requesting a due date b) arguing with me about my EDD ("Are you sure? You look small for being due in three weeks.")
    I was sick of talking about my bump and it's contents at the 4 month mark.

    I second Burd's comment about women being stupider. WTF, AND you've already had kids and amnesia about proper bump etiquette.

  • Love it. I got the "having twins" comment often myself – was HUGE with 1st baby (who was a 9lb 13 ouncer). Got to the point where I rudely said that I was originally having twins but the first baby ate his brother hence why he was so supersized. That shut most people up. Bastards.

    Oddly most of these comments came from women…who one would think no better.

  • awesome post! I had tons of aversions too.. but Quarter Pounders from McDonalds… YUM! Now, I can't stand McDonalds.. maybe they put some evil crazy addictive for preggos additive to their food!?! I am not a small person.. and I had one lady on a plane eyeing my belly for quite some time. She overheard me say something about being pregnant, and said to me.. "Oh, I was wondering about that"… ummmm.. thanks for telling me you were pretty convinced I was just really fat, but just maybe there was a baby there.

  • I love it! Most of those sound so familiar! I got very good at walking away from horror labour stories with a "WTF!!" look on my face. One person followed me, assuming I needed to know and I said "Seriously, I don't need a freak out right now, just let me be."

    What always drove me crazy was people telling me to sit down as if I was fragile and desperately needed to sit. "But – you're pregnant!" No?!?! Really?!?!?!?! I knew when I needed to sit down don't harass me!! I'm not into risking myself or the child I finally conceived just leave me alone!!

    Why people feel the need to do that I'll never know because the other times some people totally forget – like not giving up their seat on the bus or subway!


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