What to do when you’re pregnant and your friend isn’t?

When Kaeleigh emailed me to let me know that she’d started an Unpregnant Chicken blog I thought it was a great idea! So much so that I asked her if she wanted to do a guest post here.

When she suggested a post on tips on “how pregnant women can help non-pregnant/infertile friends though the changes in their relationship” I thought it was going to be a little tricky to say the least, but told her to go for it.

Not only did she come up with some great advice, but none of it suggests that you should be any less excited about your pregnancy – I like to think all chicken websites are brilliant like this.

I have a confession to make. I’m infertile. I know, it’s heavy, and probably not what you were expecting on a pregnancy site. But hear me out, because the fact that you’re pregnant makes what I’m about to say even more important. Believe it or not, you probably know someone close to you who is also… infertile. Someone who would take your swollen cankles and leaky bladder and cherish them more than anything.

Seriously! I know it’s hard to imagine. But stats say that as many as 1 in 6 couples are infertile. All those women would really like to be you right now. The problem is, they’re not. That fact can make being around you, and your super cute bump, challenging.  Even if they’re your sister, your aunt or your very best friend! Your belly is a constant reminder of what they want and can’t have. That can make interacting with pregnant friends very challenging for us infertiles.

That’s what brings me here. I feel there are things you can say and do, as the pregnant one in the relationship, to help smooth our acceptance of your pregnancy. It’s important to maintain a friendship, even when one of you is pregnant while the other is not.  I want your relationship to change and grow for the better, even as your belly becomes a catch-all for food and other debris!!  You shouldn’t need to grow apart simply because you’re growing another human! So, here are some tips on how to play it cool around your infertile friends so you can still be friends from conception to birth and beyond.

1/  Don’t announce your pregnancy face-to-face:

Please don’t make them struggle to smile through the news in front of you. They will be happy for you. But they might need a minute to remember that. They might cry at first. Best to send a txt and, when they’ve composed themselves, they will send congratulations. In the same vein, if you want to announce on Facebook it’s much nicer to tell them separately ahead of that. So they’re prepared for any sonograms or belly photos that follow.

2/ Talk about things other than your pregnancy:

Of course you want to talk about your little kumquat. Totally understandable! But they may not have much to add about it. So gush for a small amount of time, say less than 10 mins, and then turn to other topics. Like sports, or mutual friends, or the weather, etc. I’m sure they don’t want to have to cancel lunch dates with you. Please, don’t make this more awkward than it has to be.

3/ Allow them to opt out of your baby shower: It’s just too many “feels”.

Your friend may have gone through miscarriages or have onesies hanging in the closet that have never been used. Seeing all your gifts and having to guess how big you’ll get can be excruciating. Be supportive if they choose not to attend but make sure you invite them anyway. If they decide they want to come and there’s no invite it’s like saying they can’t be part of your baby club.

4/ Be a good shoulder:

Sometimes they’ll need to vent. Just like you need to vent about the shittier side of pregnancy, they may want to talk about how infertility sucks. Even when it’s awkward know, that if they’re opening up to you, they must trust you immensely. Allow them to share.

5/ Don’t tell them about that friend who just did “X” and got pregnant:

Seriously. Stop it. Yes, occasionally, people get pregnant after adoption. Sometimes, a vacation was just the trick. But when you say these things you’re trivializing your friend’s pain. Better to just leave the advice to their medical team. Yes, they have a whole team assigned to this. Assume they’ve got every angle covered.

It’s important to stress that, sometimes, your infertile friend may want to cut off or reduce contact with you anyways. Even if you do the 5 things listed above. This is a real case of “it’s not you it’s me”. I know, that stings. It may simply be too painful to deal with ANYTHING related to babies. Which may, unfortunately, extend to you ATM. Try to be understanding and tell them you’ll still be there when they’re ready.  You’re a great and supportive friend! Hopefully, they’ll come back.

With thanks and love from all the infertiles in your life! We appreciate your effort in helping us adjust.

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What to do when you’re pregnant and your friend isn’t?

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40 Comments

  • This is an amazing post. Thank you for sharing. This topic has caused me lot of anxiety. Follow up question: would you recommend telling them not to feel obligated to come to your shower, or is oo insensitive and not giving your friend enough benefit of the doubt to do what’s going to make them feel okay.

  • I wish more women would consider your list. We struggled for years and I watched many friends get pregnant while we tried and failed. I couldn’t believe it when a few friends actually said to me how easy it was for them to get pregnant. One friend who I had told not to wait long if they really wanted children was actually upset with me when she got pregnant after only a few months of trying since it should have taken longer ?!! In end I realized that there are just some people who will never get how painful it is. I’m almost over the top considerate now that we finally have our own baby. Amazing how I still feel those twinges of pain from the journey to get her…

  • This was well done but nothing groundbreakingly "new" for me – as much of it comes down to having good manners. For awhile now, however, I have been conflicted because I have a girlfriend who we all "suspect" is not able to get pregnant. Even her closest friend among the group says she will not, under any circumstances, seem to discuss it with anyone – even her husband. We all want to be supportive for her but not knowing the reality of her situation makes it a challenge. Sure it could be "none of our business" but I will say it is, it has distanced our relationships because she doesn’t reach out to those of us who are pregnant and, in turn, she’s basically just included in group texts but not having many one on one conversations. I feel badly as I am due with #2 (as well as two other girls in our group)… but don’t know how to even go about it

  • Hi Unpregnant Chicken, We went through 5 unsuccessful years and finally found the right doctor. So how do I proceed if I used to be an Unpregnant Chicken? Do all the same rules apply? I want to share because I’ve been through the hopeless feelings and the "geez I’m pretty sure the reason you call any more is so I can buy your baby a present" and wanting to send a card that says "so glad somebody in this friendship can get knocked-up". I SCREAMED at my boss when she suggested that maybe her pregnant teen would be better off if she (the teen) fell down some stairs (and miscarried).

  • Thank you, thank you! I’ve been struggling with telling 2 of my very best friends, who are each managing their own infertility, that I’m pregnant. I struggled along with them for the better part of the last 3 years…..I don’t want to feel ‘guilty’ about my pregnancy, but I admittedly was uncomfortable sharing the news as I can relate to the feeling we all felt when other friends conceived. I want our relationship to grow and for them to continue to be supported. This post has been fantastically helpful – thanks again

  • This is a great blog and these are very good guidelines to follow. However, not all infertile people feel this way, but it is always good to consider those around you, this goes both ways……

    At the age of 26 I was told that I would never become pregnant do to cysts on my ovaries. I was devastated. But I worked through it, I never once didn’t want someone to not tell me they were pregnant or not tell me in person. Did I feel a sting of pain, yeah sure I did I am human. However, I guess I am the type of person who puts others feelings before my own and I would be happy for them and it was in no way fake or forced. Did I feel sorry for myself once I was alone, yes I did. Did I cry by myself, yep. But these are feelings I kept in private. I never once felt angry because someone else was pregnant and I wasn’t. I was happy and excited for them because while I couldn’t have children they could and I enjoyed their pregnancy with them. I never once got aggravated or angry when a pregnant friend or family member complained about the hardships of being pregnant, because being pregnant is hard this isn’t the movies this is real life… And I NEVER called a friend or family member "smug" for being excited about being pregnant. It is an exciting time that consumes every moment of their lives and if you are a friend to begin with you will understand that. Were there days that I just didn’t want to hear about it, yep. But you know what, I listened anyway because I was and always will be their FRIEND till the end no matter what. My pain was my pain and no one else’s to bare. They in turn listened to me about me not being able to have children…. With all that said at the age of 29 I became pregnant…. I had lost over 60lbs and became pregnant while on a low dose birth control to keep my cycles regular. When I became pregnant I had and still have friends who are infertile you know what they were just as happy and excited as I was. Yes I called and sent messages before making my big announcement on Christmas Eve for some and Christmas Day for the rest. I never once felt like I had to walk on eggshells and not share about how I was feeling or post every sonogram picture I had on social media. But I do understand that some don’t want to be a part of their friend’s moment because they are hurting and need space. I recently (10/2014) became pregnant again on birth control I lost that pregnancy and we didn’t tell but a hand full of people because it was never announced that I was pregnant. It was one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. On the same day that I miscarried actually only hours afterward my best friend (who now lives halfway across the country form me) sent me a message, not knowing what had happened to me, to tell me she had finally gotten pregnant after countless miscarriages and 15 years of trying. In that moment I put my sorrow aside and was thrilled for her. The worst day of 2014 quickly became the best day of 2014. We celebrated her news and I did tell her what had happened to me that day and she cried with me because she has been there. I am getting emotional just typing this. I did go through a mourning period all by myself because my SO deals with things by not talking about them and moving on. That just isn’t how I deal with things so I was able to confide in my, newly pregnant, best friend. I never once didn’t want to hear about her pregnancy and she never once didn’t lend me an ear when I needed it to mourn the loss of my child. I guess what I am trying to say that is that no matter what if you are truly friends you will always be there for each other. We cannot help how we feel but we can set our feelings aside and not begrudge someone for having something we cannot have. Separating ourselves from friends and family because they are pregnant and we are not isn’t the answer and can become unhealthy. By all means give someone their space, but check in on them from time to time to make sure they are ok. From experience, when you distance yourself from someone with the intent of it only being for a little while it can turn into years and then you miss out on your loved ones life. I want another child so bad it hurts, I will continue to pray and wait, if it doesn’t happen then it wasn’t God’s will for it to happen and I am ok with that. It really pisses me off when someone says "you should be happy with the one you have" as if to imply I am not happy with my son or not thankful that I was able to become pregnant and have my son. My son is my world I just don’t want him growing up alone, I was an only child and I know how lonely it is. And I am not putting myself on the sidelines where my friends and family who are pregnant are concerned. I will continue to be a part of their lives and spoil their children just like I spoil my son, who just turned 4.

    Please don’t take this the wrong way it just flicked a nerve when I read a comment about someone calling her pregnant friend "smug" for being excited… If this commenter became pregnant I am sure she would become that "smug" friend she was talking about. Just because you are in pain don’t minimize others joy and excitement by calling them "smug".

    • Thank you! I was reading through these comments and actually can’t believe some of them. It took a while for me to become pregnant (one year of if it happens it happens) and two years of active trying, so not as long as some obviously) but the only thing that ever bothered me to any extent was when people asked when we were having kids or why didn’t we have kids yet. We never told anyone we were trying but I don’t think that’s really a question you should ask any couple when you don’t know.

      I was always happy for people who told me they were pregnant and would never want them to tell me by phone or text. This is exciting for them and they have every right to be excited. Why would I want to minimize that for them? Yes, sometimes I was sad afterwards and I did cry a few times when I was alone and feeling sorry for myself but I would never want them to feel like they can’t talk to me.

  • thank you for this post. all you said is so true. I am infertile too, and nothing pisses me of more than people telling me I have to think positive…oh ye, just think it s gonna happen and bam, baby is here!!?. so thanks thanks so much, I hope people will understand better how we feel. xx from France

  • I suffered with infertility for 5 years and I think that was all great ideas. I did not go to any baby showers for a long time. Now I have 2 boys. One from a great a medical team and the other from our team. I still remember the struggle.

  • This post is fantastic and bang on! As someone who struggled through 4 miscarriages and a few years of fertility testing and treatment while her best friends got pregnant with ease, I can not agree more strongly with #1. I was always so grateful to be informed over the phone or, even better, via text. That way I could cry for myself first (every time a friend got pregnant I felt more isolated and defective), before remembering to be happy for her and her pregnancy.

    Now, I am 37.5 weeks pregnant with a miraculously healthy little boy and I make sure to keep all of these things in mind when talking about my pregnancy with others. You never know who around you might be secretly struggling. I also make sure to let others know that this pregnancy did not come easily and am more than willing to share my story.

    The one thing I would add to this list is to sometimes inquire about how an infertile friend is doing, while respecting any boundaries they want in place. I often did not feel comfortable bring this forward, especially to a pregnant friend because I didn’t want to ruin her happiness. But an invitation to talk about the latest treatment protocol or test would have encouraged me to open up a little more.

  • This is absolutely perfect. If you don’t think you can do these things, then recognize that you aren’t able to be supportive of them. Not everybody is; we all deal with our own stuff. If they don’t respond well after all this, I hope it’s just a one-time fluke and they’ll apologize. If they can’t even put a graceful face on it, or gently excuse themselves from the relationship for a short while in order to not rain on your parade, they’re not a very good friend deep down, pregnancy or not.

    I dealt with infertility and had all of these "don’t"s happen to me. Every single one stung bad enough that I’d go home to my husband and cry, or I’d close my office door and bury my head in my hands. But I loved buying something cute for a co-worker’s baby shower, or hearing how big the baby was getting and what features they could see on ultrasounds. It let me hold on to little bits of hope–something that is very difficult for me–for when I would go to my disappointing doctor’s appointments. I liked not being cut off, even though it hurt every time I saw a pregnant woman or a baby and was reminded of what I didn’t have. It would be like walking around town and seeing a bunch of men who looked like my father, except infertiles also feel somewhat delegitimized because what they’re grieving is something they never actually had.

    Also, if you’re infertile, I strongly encourage you to be open to whatever is an appropriate degree about what you’re going through, and when you get pregnant, announce early. Let yourself get excited, and don’t put yourself in the uncomfortable situation of feeling like you can’t tell people if you have a miscarriage because they’ll feel awkward that they didn’t know about the pregnancy in the first place. Or let yourself tell people, that you’re hoping it goes well but you’re trying not to get too excited yet because you don’t know how it’ll turn out. They won’t entirely understand, but being outspoken about infertility is a big way it’ll become less alienating. I’m fairly outspoken about stuff anyway, so I was upfront with my boss and coworkers that I needed frequent doctor’s appointments because we were going through fertility treatments. It helped them understand that I really was seeing a doctor when I was late three times a week, and it also led to one co-worker saying, "We’re having to take Clomid. We’ve been trying for a while and it sucks." Eventually, in our division of just over 100 people, I know of at least nine people off the top of my head who have had some form of fertility issue and needed treatment to conceive. These people aren’t talking to each other, but each one of them has talked to me at some point about what they’re trying, or the difficulty and cost of treatment, or how they’ve decided to stop trying (usually once they’ve already had one child with treatment and were hoping for a second one). I know I’m the first one many of them told, simply because I volunteered my story first. I’ve also had women who planned to have kids come to me with questions about how I discovered I was infertile and what kind of process I went through. Sometimes they ask me for advice about whether they should ask their OB about a particular issue or if they should get tested for one thing or another.

  • This is great advice. My husband and I struggled through three years of infertility before conceiving our daughter. I wish I could point all pregnant ladies with infertile friends to the example of my sister, who got pregnant four months before me. She really did everything right:

    1. She told me over the phone rather than in person. She had been told her pregnancy might be ectopic, and needed someone to talk to, but it was too early for her to tell anyone else yet. But she didn’t expect me to be thrilled for her. Later, we sat together and cried because we both felt worried for her and sad for me (she ended up being fine).
      2. She tried not to talk too much about baby stuff around me.
      3. She told me up front that she understood if I didn’t want to hang out for a while. She gave me space and didn’t take it personally.
      4. When I did get pregnant, she was at my house within 30 minutes of me calling her, with a congratulations card she had bought THREE YEARS EARLIER when my husband and I started trying.

    I really have the best sister in the world. Her compassionate actions at the beginning of her pregnancy allowed us to stay close, and by extension, our kids (two each now) are close too.

  • I made a pact with myself before I was pregnant: I wasn’t going to be a smug pregnant person. I had dealt with pregnant women complaining to me about every little ache and pain or throwing up, saying how easy it was to get pregnant, and asking me all the time when I was going to get pregnant. It hurt so much, and I knew I never wanted to make anyone else feel that way. It did not sting any less than when my best friend told me on my birthday she was pregnant. (They had told me they didn’t want kids but surprise! they got pregnant the first month of trying. Isn’t that how it always happens?) It was so hard holding back tears and trying to be happy for her. I know she was never intentionally trying to hurt me, but I think it fueled the pact with myself to never do that to anyone else.

    Although our journey to getting pregnant was shorter than some who have commented, it felt like forever. People are still insensitive no matter what. They asked if my pregnancy was planned and if it was a "natural" pregnancy (like that matters at all) without fertility drugs. While pregnant I’ve also had women tell me horror birth stories, stories of miscarriages, and describe in detail delivering a stillborn. I’m due to have my baby in a few weeks and it’s really hard because I want to be as kind and sensitive to other’s pain as much as I can, but it’s hard when I feel guilty for being pregnant sometimes.

    I wish the best for all women, especially with this very personal and sensitive topic. I think that we need to try to understand both sides before we gush about a growing belly or try to scare a pregnant woman with a tragic story of loss. We need to build each other up and be supportive, while also taking the time to understand we each have our own battles. Thank you for writing this post, it’s always good to be reminded of these things.

    • My labour and birth were very easy. A friend had to be induced and still avoided all other medications and had the birth she wanted. Another friend needed a c-section, and said it was way easier than expected, and beautiful, too.

      I wish you a smooth and easy labour and birth. It does happen frequently; we just don’t talk about it as much because it can be seen as bragging.

  • Great post – These things apply for moms who have lost babies, not just infertility. We try not to be overly sensitive, but some things should be common sense if people would just take the time to think it through. I had two incidents happen literally minutes apart while attending a baby shower last week. First, I was asked if I was pregnant. I just miscarried a few weeks ago, so no. Then, a friend who knows that I had a previous loss casually dropped into conversation that she’s pregnant. Not an announcement, I think she assumed I already knew, so I was caught a bit off-guard. So, I propose two more points.

    1. Don’t ask other women if they’re pregnant. Unless maybe it’s your wife? Most women find it merely annoying or intrusive. Women who have suffered loss or infertility will find it painful we wll. If they aren’t, they don’t need to be reminded. If they are, they obviously haven’t chosen to tell you yet, so you need to respect that. They will tell you when they’re ready or will make a general announcement of some sort. Also, you may not know who is struggling. Just because a woman has a child or children doesn’t mean she hasn’t ever had difficulties.

    2. Don’t assume your friend knows you are pregnant. Unless you have told her specifically, or have made a very public announcement, don’t just bring it up in conversation without making sure she knows.

    Finally, my husband and I have also struggled with how open to be with people. Only our families and a few other people know about our most recent loss, so some of these unintentional things are bound to happen. We wonder if we were more open, would others also be encouraged to be more open and would this foster more understanding for those who haven’t experienced infertility or loss. It is, of course, a very personal struggle, but do we feel isolated in our struggles because we find it hard to talk about? Also, would it help the next lady who comes along to know who has walked that path and would be a sympathetic ear? I’d love to hear some feedback from the rest of you!

    • First, great points. Second, YES… it helps a lot of people to be so open. I am, obviously, incredibly open about my struggles and journey, My real name is on my blog, as is my photo. So people may see me on the street and know an awful lot about my vagina and the way my reproductive system works… but that’s ok. I have learned that I feel less shitty the more people know. They say less stupid things and they try to be supportive. Also it very much helps to know other people in your circle that have walked this path, you probably DO already, they just might not be open. It helps to remove the stigma the more it is talked about openly.

  • One other comment or idea I would like to share is you may not know if your friend is having difficulties with getting pregnant, its hard to talk about. So if your friend is not super excited about your pregnancy giver her some space and time, she will likely come around she might be having some of her own struggles.

    • Yes, I tried to work that into this post but it became to convoluted and confusing. I like your comment that if it seems she isn’t happy to just give her space and let it happen because she is likely dealing with something she isn’t sharing.Good advice.

  • I love this! My husband & I struggled with infertility for over 5 years. And all our friends tried to be supportive but never understood. We even had a couple that announced their pregnancy to all of our friends in our freakin’ living room (luckily we’d happened to have found out about the pregnancy earlier in the day by accident). It is a weird subject, and these are great tips for those who have never been through the struggle!

    • Thanks! I really think that people who have never been there just don’t know what to do to make it hurt less. Hopefully, these tips help some of them. I hope you are with baby already and that you are able to support your other infertile friends in a helpful manner having been there yourself.

  • Thank you for this post!! This advice is great even for those who aren’t infertile but "take a little longer than others" to conceive. In our social media world it really sucks to login to find literally every single woman you know just sneezes and automatically gets pregnant. (at least that’s what it feels like!) I beg those pregnant women out there to share with other women when it took you longer than just a few months to conceive. Talk about how it’s not always as easy as getting knocked up on vacation or "after you just relax a little about it". We all need a little reality check that were not alone when going through this journey!

    • My thoughts exactly! If the number of response coming from this pregnancy site (here, FB, twitter and my blog) are any indication there are a lot of preggos or new mommies who went through it all… We shouldn’t go through it alone. We should embrace it. Tell our other pregnant friends what it took to get there. A reality check is essential.

  • As an infertile myself, I can relate to most of the things in your post. However, I feel as though the most important thing is to remember who your friend is. You know her better than a list on the Internet about what to do. I have been struggling with infertility for 5+years, and yes, there were some moments that made it difficult to be around pregnant friends and family, but I have also learned that true friends will do their best to be there for you and happy for you during this wonderful time in your life. I would. Yes, allow her to opt out of showers or baby discussions, especially if you are needing to vent, but don’t hide your pregnancy. I have had friends do this, and it is more hurtful than the pang of longing felt in the initial moment of announcement…be happy about it! As any infertile knows, a healthy & happy pregnancy culminating in a healthy baby is truly one of God’s miracles. We can all be happy about that.

    • Yes! All the yes! Please god, don’t hide your pregnancy. We’re all adults here (hopefully) and can handle as such! I want to know about your pregnancy. I want to be happy for you. SOMEONE should get to have happy pregnancies! Obviously not me, but SOMEONE! HAHA yes, you know your friend, hopefully better than my random advice. Then again… some of it could still be useful. 😉

      • As someone who has stuck her foot in her mouth on more than one occasion, some advice, even from a stranger on the internet, is better than no advice. I wish I could have found a post like this when I was unmarried and several friends had miscarriages.

  • I think this is great and needed. My husband and I struggled with infertility, resulting in 5 pregnancies lost in the 2nd tri. followed by 2 years of then not even being able to conceive… It was the most trying and painful part of my life. And when friends became pregnant I was so happy for them, but still so sad for myself. And the comments "Try this…" or "What’s meant to happen will happen…" or " Don’t worry, it’ll happen eventually!" They left me thinking wtf? and even more hurt. While I am so blessed and fortunate to say I now have a 20mth old daughter, the pain of that time still lingers and I try to always be aware of the struggles other women may be going through, and the best news of my life, might not be the best news for them.

    • Well said "the best news of my life, might not be the best news for them." Your friends are blessed to have you. I’m glad you found solace in this article.
      XOXO

  • Thank you SO much for this article. I was an infertile for a long time watching all my friends having baby after baby. We finally got a miracle but it was a really hard time and strained a bunch of relationships. I especially like the part to avoid the kind hearted suggestions about how to get pregnant. Yes, we have a team of professionals and have tried it all.

    • It’s my pleasure, really! Even when it’s past it still lingers in the memories of those difficult months/years and hurt feelings. Glad to hear you got your rainbow. It does strain so many relationships. I’m hoping to foster more compassion. I agree… out of the 5 tips listed number 5 is the one i most need. I promise I’m doing all I can. Trust me and leave it at that. XOXXO

  • My best advice would be -don’t ever let me hear you complain about your kids or say things like ‘It’s so hard to have kids’ or ‘don’t have kids, I don’t know why I did’ – it’s much harder not to be able to have kids when you want them, and it will end in me losing all respect for you.

    • Yes. This is another good one. It’s hard enough for a lady who is trying to get pregnant to smile through a meeting with you and all your gorgeous babies. Please, tell me again how much you regret your choices. Please, tell me again that your youngest was a horrible mistake. I’d offer to pay for your coffee but, oh wait, I’m broke from all my treatments to get my own set of "bad choices". facepalm

    • No one should be allowed to say "its so hard to have kids"? This is ridiculous. It IS hard to have kids, even after you tried for years to have one (I know first hand).

      Even people who do regret (not ones just saying that to show how miserable they are at that moment, but don’t actually regret it) should be allowed to say it. Its their experience, and no matter how much you wish you had what they had. You can’t force someone to be happy when they aren’t. People do make mistakes, people do regret things, and there is nothing you can do about it. They didn’t do it to make you miserable.

      You don’t have to listen to them of course, but please get some perspective.

      • If that approach was taken then none of these rules would exist. Of course you can say whatever you want to whomever you want… it’s freedom of speech. But saying "I totally regret this" "Don’t have kids" to someone who can’t (ESPECIALLY if it’s just in a moment of stress) is really rude.

        • Do you disagree that having kids is hard? If not, then why can’t someone say it? You don’t have a monopoly on pain, even someone else in "lesser pain" (whatever that means) is suffering.

          Let me tell you: long agonizing periods of trying does not actually make parenting easier once it does happen. I’m not saying its not worth it (it is for me), I’m just saying it doesn’t change the fact that its HARD.

          FWIW I don’t disagree with the advice in the post! By all means be respectful, empathetic, allow time for someone to digest news or skip baby festivities. But empathy should go both ways, don’t silence someone else’s experience (at least not forever) or trivialize their difficulties.

  • Oh my Gosh! Number 1!!! Please, please can people be told it isn’t rude to tell us this news via text. So much easier to be able to process, cry and then gather our composure together BEFORE we do what needs doing – fake the smile and say congratulations.
    Thank you x

    • It’s so awesome when people give you the space to process before expecting you to be joyful. It’ll come, give us a second. I’m so glad the post resonated with you. Sending love.

    • And, oh boy, can they get angry fast if you don’t respond the way they think you should when they share the news face-to-face. I’m sorry I cried. My favorite response to crying was "this isn’t about you" like I meant to cry on purpose.

  • Thank you so much for this post. This seems perfectly timed for my life. I’ve been reading pregnant chicken since before we started trying (1.5+ years ago) and now all my friends are pregnant while I’m left in fertility purgatory. Thank you, thank you.

    If just one smug pregnant friend reads this, I will be so incredibly happy.

    I cannot stress numbers 2 and 5 enough. I’m living vicariously through you and I want to talk about the elephant in the room but I still want to talk about things we talked about before you won the preggo lotto.

    • You are welcome! I hope more than just one happy but smug preggo friend reads it. It will make so much of a difference if our friends can understand us a little more. I am sorry to hear you’ve been struggling. I send strength and love to you.

      On a funny note I get the living vicariously thing completely. I have a friend who’s gorgeous daughter I spoil rotten. She keeps telling me I don’t need to buy her more things. LOL Oh honey, I don’t do it for you. I do it cause I don’t have any babies to spoil otherwise!

      I LOVE pregnant chicken and like you have been following her for a LONG time. Even though I’m STILL not pregnant. She’s good for a laugh. I’m you ever get sick of looking at all the bellies over hear feel freak to take a break over at my blog! We’re a good shoulder to cry on. XOXXO

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