7 Things Every Pregnant Woman Should Do, At Least Once

7 Things Every Pregnant Woman Should Do, At Least Once

Sure you can pack your hospital bag and take prenatal vitamins, but here are 7 other things a pregnant woman should do at least once.


1. Wear a swimsuit in public.

Bonus points for a two-piece. Fly your belly flag with pride because you’re growing a freaking PERSON in there. So what if you have a few extra dimples in your ass and thigh region? Adopt Fat Amy as your spirit animal if you need to.


2. Get out of a traffic ticket.

I’ve been pulled over twice in the last month (at 32 weeks and 34 weeks) and didn’t get a ticket, most likely thanks to the pregnancy sympathy card. The heady feeling you get from escaping a ticket while at the same time growing an actual human must be what a God complex feels like. I’m not advocating breaking the law just to get out of trouble, but if you do, I won’t judge.

3. See a chiropractor.

Sciatica pain, carpal tunnel, pregnancy-induced elephantitis. A chiropractic adjustment fixes them all. Unless you pick some cheapo whack job with no training, and they screw your back up for life. So don’t do that.

4. Splurge on a prenatal massage.

For my current pregnancy, my doctor actually recommended regular massages, and I asked her if I could have that in writing. If you get squirmy about the idea of a stranger’s hands on your body, have you forgotten that in a few weeks, you’ll have no fewer than a dozen strange hands up your hoo-ha to assess your “progress” or “effacement stage” or “ability to put up with fingers in your cervix without kicking your doctor in the face”?

Related: Is getting a massage safe during pregnancy?

5. Screw with strangers.

Let’s say you’re in the grocery store line and the cashier glances at the huge orb protruding from your front and says, “When are you due?” Act like you’re taken aback and say, “What? Oh…I’m not pregnant.” Relish in that look on their face for at least a full second before you put them out of their misery, and remember the days when strangers didn’t have free reign to comment on the shape of your body. And then there’s the woman at Costco who asks when you’re due and follows up with, “Think you’re gonna make it?” (Translation: You’re fat.) You have my permission to punch her in the boob

6. Take some time to yourself.

Get away from your kids, your partner, and your co-workers and just be alone. Reconnect with the idea that you are your own separate person, apart from that little alien growing inside of you.

7. Eat an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting.

Or a rack of barbecue ribs. Or a vat of raw cookie dough. Just because you can, and it feels good. But maybe don’t do this the night before your glucose test.


Related: Giving Birth Is Not A Party

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7 Things Every Pregnant Woman Should Do, At Least Once

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  • I so regret not getting a massage or going to a chiropractor when I was pregnant. I could have used it! Sadly, when I really started craving things in the second and third trimester I began having morning sickness.

  • The thought of a dozen hands touching your hoo-haa is probably one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever read.. Why is it not ok for a person to touch your belly but then it’s ok for every stranger in the hospital to touch your private area… there’s no need for it. :/ there was only 1 person who was anywhere near down there and it was my midwife. I can’t imagine strangers touching my most sacred area… professional or not.. it’s weird.

  • I actually had someone come up to me and touch my belly asking how far along I was and I wasn’t even pregnant. Mind you, I was a whopping 130lbs and bloated from eating Chinese food, but when I actually WAS pregnant… not one person even REACHED towards my belly. My ‘resting b*tch face’ must have really set in… ha!

  • I’ll add to number 5, if a stranger (or loose acquaintance) touches your belly, touch theirs too, to subtly remind them that boundaries have not magically disappeared because you are pregnant!

  • I needed the laugh, it’s my first time being pregnant and I’m in Jeremie, Haiti. The town that got hit by the massive category 4/5 hurricane. Things are a little rough and I’m doing my best to take care of myself, my husband and my displaced family. Thanks!

  • Really people??? She writes a funny post and you’re all concerned that she said to eat cookie dough? Is it really that bad in the world right now that you need to post this over and over like we don’t know you can’t eat raw eggs while pregnant? DUH!!! Why does everything I read have someone bashing something someone else said (politically correctness) … I’m so tired of being politically correct. Stop taking everything so seriously…. she’s not saying she is a doctor and that you have to eat cookie dough…. she is making a joke… be smart … don’t listen to strangers like your mama taught you… And relax a little… life is too short to be worried about what everyone else and their mothers are doing… sometimes jokes are just that…. jokes …. I feel like we are living out the movie “idiocracy” sometimes…

    Joke-“Eat cookie dough while pregnant”
    Average citizen 1 – “eeerrrrr… she told me to do it”
    Average citizen 2- “bad stuff happens when you eat cookie dough….”
    Average citizen 3- “derrrrr…. put a warning label on that joke so bad stuff doesnt happen.”
    Smartest man or woman alive- “why do we need a warning label when it was clearly a joke.”

    People are way oversensitized these days

  • I love No2 – I also got out of a speeding ticket when I was heavily pregnant – he let me go pretty quickly when I said I was already overdue!

  • I get comments from strangers on a daily basis. Im going to say to them that i am not pregnant and give them a blank stare. Lol! That will teach them.

  • My mom was 7 months pregnant and got pulled over on mothers day. She was given a ticket for not having the bottom piece of her two piece seat belt clicked into place. (It was one of those cars back in the day that had the seat belt that slid up the door and you clicked the 2nd bottom one in place. She was really pissed to say the least, and the fact it was mothers day and she was super preggo shows what an ass that particular cop was. (I must clarify I highly respect the law enforcement and those who work to keep us safe, and it was just a one cop one incident thing)

    • Not just that one cop. I had it happen to my twice when pregnant. One cop I actually asked for help from and he just gave me a ticket and sent me on my way. I found highway patrol to be very callus but Sherrifs were great pregnant or not.

  • I absolutely loved reading this! I am 30 weeks pregnant and this reading just totally boosted my confidence!!

  • Sure go ahead and recommend eating raw cookie dough, one of the DO NOT EAT items on most lists considering it can be infested with numerous strains of bacteria that can lead to hospitalization and miscarriage. While I understand there are egg-less cookie dough recipes out there, it’s really a bad recommendation as it can lead to tons of misunderstandings.

  • Fun Post! I wish I had more opportunity to screw with strangers. My best friend when she was pregnant was walking on the treadmill next to me at the gym, she was about maybe 35 weeks along or so, and her water bottle fell and spilled, and she yelled out "My water broke!!!" freaked a few people out, it was pretty funny

  • My cousin is a massage therapist and I got a massage every month of my pregnancy in my home and it was glorious. However, it would have been more amazing if it was free. I didn’t even get a cousin discount 🙁

  • I didn’t think of any of this with my first, maybe with number 2 I will. My husband did think it was funny during my delivery to scare the poor resident who was there to watch her first birth by telling her that wasn’t his baby because my daughters hair was pitch black and we are both blonde. I about died laughing poor girl was so petrified. We let her worry a minute then informed her I was artificially insemination and I was born with pitch black hair as well. It was definitely something we will remember forever… that poor girl look was priceless.

  • I am currently pg with baby #3 and reading this put the biggest smile on my face! I could honestly say I’ve done a good 2 or 3 or these. Thanks for the laugh!

  • I love to do #5, i don’t do it often but when I do I love the look on their face. Sometimes I laugh other times I just leave it alone. The last time I did it I was 38 wks (i’m currently 40wks) and the cashier looked at me like "whatever lady". I never cracked a smile! 🙂

  • OMG my hubby got me a prenatal massage for my 30th birthday & it was fantastic!! It totally fixed my sciatica, plus I think baby liked it too because he was dancing around the whole time!

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