Awake Training Poem – an Ode to No Sleep

The Awake Training Poem is a funny poem for parents about getting a baby to sleep during the early months of a newborns life

He will not sleep in a bed, he will not sleep upon his head.
He will not sleep in a crib, he will not sleep – I do not fib.

Not in a car, not in a boat, not in a fluffy winter coat.

He will not sleep in my arms, he will not sleep to his daddy’s charms.
He will not sleep after crying, he will not sleep – you think I’m lying?

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Not in a pram, not on a tram, not in an afternoon traffic jam.

He will not sleep on my boob, he will not sleep whilst watching the tube.
He will not sleep with the blankets I bought, he will not sleep – I kid you not.

Not if I wear him, not if I bounce him, not if I pray to the sleep gods above him.

I’ve given him baths, I’ve offered him cash.I promised a pony, a puppy, an Ivy League school – I told him I’d always be there to wipe up his drool.

It’s been 13 months and he’s awake every two hours.
Do I get a medal, a diamond, some flowers?

Please tell me it’ll get better, please help me keep my head.
Aww fuck it, he’s up.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Related: I Read All The Baby Sleep Books So You Don’t Have To
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