Embracing The Pregnancy Inquisition
Encouragement Pep Talk Being Pregnant

Embracing The Pregnancy Inquisition

By Ali Solomon

Some pregnant women complain about being asked the same questions over and over again. Not me! I loved answering questions about my impending motherhood, the same way I loved fielding inquiries about my childhood eczema, or my prolonged single status in my 20’s. Instead of treating these questions as derivative small talk, I see them as a means to educate the world about what’s really happening in our wombs.

Q: Why did you wait 3 months until announcing your pregnancy?

A: It is customary for a woman to wait 3 months so she can enjoy an occasional beer at a barbecue without being shamed.

Q: Do you care what the gender the baby is?

A: No, as long as it’s healthy.  And also a girl.

Q: What is your birth plan?

A: Why, yes, I do plan on giving birth. Hopefully soon. And preferably to the tune of Phil Collin’s “Sussudio.”

Q: Do you know what you’re having?

A: The alien overlord that implanted this baby in me swears it’s a girl!

Q: Do you plan on working until you have the baby?

A: My boss is really nice and is allowing my doula to share my cubicle these last few weeks, so I can continue to work on the McCampbell account until my cervix is ripe.

Q: Are you scared/nervous/excited?

A: Mostly, I’m scared that I’m nervous about my excitement, and also excited that my fear is making me nervous.

Q: Are you having a baby shower?

A: Wait. You didn’t get the invitation yet? What’s your address again? Oh, my bad, I wrote “18 Sycamore,” not “8 Sycamore.” That must be why.

Q: Are you due soon? You look ready to pop.

A: If by “soon,” you mean “still have four more months to go,” then yes. Sigh.

Q: Do you have any cravings?

A: Since becoming pregnant, I’ve had a yen for Swiss chard, funyions, and salsa lessons. Also, I can’t go to bed without my nightly jello shot, and love to chew on discarded animal carcasses.

Q: Do you need any baby stuff? If so, we have a lot of things we can pass on.

A: Awesome! I’m super-excited for you to unload a moving van full of stained, torn, sticky clothes and toys into my already-cramped apartment.  My newborn can’t wait to test out your decade-old car seat with the vomit crust in the buckles. You’re the best.

Q: Do you have a name picked out?

A: That is classified information, in the off-chance our name pick coincides with your grandma’s name, your middle school frenemy, or the stripper from the gentleman’s club in the mall.

Q: Do you plan on having more children after this one?

A: I don’t plan on stopping until I’ve populated a small village, or secured my own reality show. Possibly both.

Q: Ha ha, are you having twins?

A: Good guess, friend. In fact, I’m expecting sextuplets. The alien overlords believe in fruitful multiplying.

Q: Can I touch your stomach?

A: Sure, touch away! Think of my baby bump like your own personal, prenatal Magic 8 ball.

Q: Um, okay. I feel like you’re being sarcastic.

A: “My sources say yes.”

Q: Having a baby won’t change anything, right? We’ll still hang out all the time?

A: Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the whirring of my breast pump. Sure, we can still hang. Do you mind if we meet up on the left side of my couch? I plan on spending a lot of time there over the next year. I’m free between the hours of 4am and 6:12am.

Q: Are you ready?

A: If by “ready” you mean “mind-numbingly terrified and curled up in a ball of overflowing anxiety, stress, and neuroses until I can barely move from fear that I’ve already messed this up,” then yes. Totally ready.

Our next recos: I Have No Idea: Honest Answers to Stupid Questions About Newborn Life

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