If you just had a preterm baby, welcome. Welcome to the exclusive club you never wanted to join. I welcome you because you are my sister now. Initiation is a bitch, but I promise you — at the end of this — you will find strength in yourself you never knew you had.
I am not going to tell you everything will be alright. That would only be dismissive of the totally legitimate worry you have. This is hard, hard stuff. But I can tell you that you can do this. You are strong.
I'm not a writer or anything cool like that. I'm a nerdy Data Analyst who enjoys spreadsheets and databases. But 14 months out from one of the most life-changing events I've ever experienced, I can tell you there are things I desperately wish someone had told me — so here they are.
What's in This Guide
- Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me
- What Helpers Can Actually Do
- Resources for Preemie Parents
Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me
1. Take all the help you can get
When people ask if they can help, take them up on it. Refer them to the list below. You are going to need it.
2. Your milk supply may not cooperate (and that is not your fault)
Be aware that you might not make as much breast milk as a full-term mom. Your body didn't have as much time to start producing milk, you may have had a traumatic birth, your placenta may not have fully delivered on its own, and you were probably separated from your baby shortly after delivery. Plenty of people in those first days will tell you it's your job to make milk, and then your body may not cooperate. It is one of life's cruel jokes. It is not your fault.
3. Seriously, none of this is your fault
I want to say it again because I needed to hear it repeatedly: none of this is your fault. There are a million reasons you can have a preterm baby, and bad luck is one of them. Treat yourself kindly, and get help if, like me, you feel insanely guilty over something you logically know you didn't cause.
4. It's also okay to be angry
On the other end of the spectrum, you may not be feeling guilty at all. You may be pissed. Pissed at your doctor, pissed at the hospital, pissed at your higher power, pissed at the whole world. Why did this happen to your baby?
Feel free to get angry, just try to channel it in the right direction. Try not to focus it all on the NICU nurses. They are good people who work incredibly hard. That said, if something is genuinely wrong, you absolutely can and should speak to the Charge Nurse.
5. Go home and sleep
Don't feel like every other mom is with her baby 24/7. They aren't — or if they are, they'll pay for it later. As NICU nurses love to say: "You have the most expensive babysitters in the world." Use them.
You aren't going to make it through this marathon if you sprint the whole time. Pace yourself.
6. It's okay if you don't think your baby is cute yet
I mean this sincerely. It can be hard to see past the tubes and wires to the tiny earthling underneath. Preterm babies look different than you expect — the see-through skin and lanugo were genuinely off-putting to me at first. And then I felt guilty for not thinking he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. (I had a lot of guilt, as you can tell.) You are not a bad mom. Give it time.
7. Take pictures and journal — you are in shock
You may not remember any of this later, and someday you will want to know what the heck happened. Document everything you can while you're in it.
8. Take whatever mementos you can from the hospital
Their first pacifier, a leftover diaper from when they size up (not the actual first diaper, because that is a biohazard), anything that captures how tiny they were. These will also help communicate to well-meaning visitors just how fragile your baby still is when they come home.
9. Decide your social media approach early
Decide whether you want to go public or keep things private, and then designate one person to send updates so you aren't constantly fielding calls and texts. Sites like CaringBridge work well for this, as do email and Facebook groups.
10. Watch yourself for Postpartum Depression
NICU moms are more prone to Postpartum Depression — see: all that guilt and anger above. If you even suspect it might be happening, talk to someone. Your OB, the NICU social worker, a therapist. Just start talking.
11. Find your people
No one understands the emotional rollercoaster of a preterm baby like another preemie parent. Make some friends who get it.
One word of caution: steer clear of anyone playing the "my baby is getting better faster than yours" or "my baby is sicker than yours" game. All of our babies are in the NICU for a reason, and we all need support. I found my tribe through the preemie baby board on Inspire, Hand to Hold, and the NICU social worker, who connected me with other preemie families.
What Helpers Can Do
If someone you love has a preemie, here's what actually helps:
What to say: There's a lot of debate about the right words, but this one almost never fails: "Congratulations, your baby is beautiful. I'm so sorry they're in the NICU. How are you doing?" And then — listen.
How to help:
- Send a care package with snacks, a water bottle, hand sanitizer, nice lotion, or a gift card for e-books
- Send money for gas, meals, or lodging if they live far from the NICU
- Offer practical help at home — babysitting older kids, watching the dog, watering plants, cleaning the house
- Tell them they're in your thoughts and/or prayers — even for those of us who aren't religious, the idea of people sending positive energy felt genuinely meaningful
- Coordinate meals using a site like Meal Train. Bring food in disposable containers that can be frozen and reheated
- Be patient about visiting once baby is home. The mildest cold in an adult can be life-threatening to a preterm baby. They want you to meet their baby — they will let you know when the time is right. When it is, be ready to sanitize thoroughly before going anywhere near that child.
Resources for Preemie Parents
- CaringBridge — share updates with family and friends
- Hand to Hold — support for NICU and preemie families
- Inspire Preemie Community — connect with other preemie parents
- Meal Train — coordinate meals for families in crisis
I'm 14 months out from this life-changing event, and I still don't have my head fully wrapped around it. I'm sure I've missed great resources and advice , so please share yours in the comments. I'm always looking for new ways to support families going through this.
Have experience with a preterm baby? Tell us what you'd add in the comments.
Next up: Pumping in the NICU: Liquid Gold or Liquid Guilt
Last updated: May 2026
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