Pregnancy, it seems, is different for everybody. Some people love it, and glow like a dimly-lit wall sconce at a cozy Italian restaurant. Other people (ahem) find their pregnancies about as enjoyable as eating an entire Italian restaurant, brick by brick.
The differences between my first and second pregnancies were astounding, yet upon reaching 37 weeks (which is full-term according to the World Health Organization, and my weekly Pregnant Chicken email), I found myself submerged in eerily familiar waters. Waters that remind me I have to pee, again. Waters that make me wonder when my own water will break. Waters that swirl with questions only Google can answer.
To save you the time you’d waste on Googling the same ten questions everyone searches in their third trimester, I’ve compiled a helpful list of the most common questions and even supplied the medically sound and heavily researched answers.
1. Will I be pregnant forever?
Yes. Einstein had a little known theory about this called Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity In Regards To Being Hella Pregnant. To put it in layman’s terms, the more miserable you are, the slower time goes. By 37 weeks, one may find themselves so miserable that time actually stops, and seconds take hours and hours take days and everyone keeps asking “Is the baby here yet?!” and you just keep eating things because then you can’t scream cry “DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT?!”
2. How many months is 37 weeks?
Roughly 52 years. See above.
3. Will I know when I pass my mucous plug?
Well, let’s see…
Imagine sitting down to pee, and upon finishing, discovering a fully formed jello and fruit desert in the toilet. If you think that wouldn’t grab your attention, then I can confidently say no, you will not know when you pass your mucous plug.
4. Will I know when my water breaks?
Pull up a chair. Pour a quart of 98.5 degree water in your crotch. Ask yourself if anything feels odd. Alternatively, there are people who have more of a trickle rather than a gush, so to test this out, put on dry pants and trickle a quart of 98.5 degree water in your crotch. Walk around. Do your pants feel funny?
5. Why am I so hot?
Cooking a human apparently requires internal temperatures that would melt a Terminator, which, according to Google is approximately 2795 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, fun fact, this doesn’t get better after the baby is here.
Nothing to see here. Just me, melting through the floor of my house while I patiently wait for the birth of my son.
6. What are signs the baby is coming?
Pain. Lots of it, in the form of regularly spaced contractions. Similarly, a body part that doesn’t belong to you hanging out of your body could also be an indicator of your baby’s imminent arrival. But as far as the rest of the hogwash you find on the interwebz, it’s all allegorical nonsense.
7. Will labor hurt?
No, just like that scene in The Revenant where Leo gets attacked by the bear, women like to pretend labor hurts just for fun. Really we are all smiling on the inside, because it feels like someone is spoon-feeding you cheesecake while rubbing your feet.
“This cheesecake makes me wince with joy.” – Women
8. Why isn’t the baby here yet?
The baby is not here yet because the baby is not ready.
9. Can I make the baby come?
No, but you can give yourself diarrhea and rub your nipples for 20 minutes for fun, you know, if that’s fun for you. And if you try it and it works, it’s because the baby was ready.
10. Does my insurance cover vasectomies?
A simple call to your insurance provider should clear that up quickly.
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