Happily After Giving Birth – 10 Things They Don’t Tell You

Happily After Giving Birth – 10 Things They Don't Tell You

1. You will have a really heavy period.

No matter how you give birth (c-section or va-j-j) you will have postpartum bleeding. This delightful discharge is called lochia and it sounds about as appealing as it is. It lasts as little as two to three weeks or as long as six weeks after birth. The best part is you’re given giant thunderpads in the hospital because you can’t use tampons during this time (it can introduce bacteria into your healing uterus) so you have the added pleasure of feeling like a 15-year old girl from 1974.


2. Your crotch might be a mess.

You may be dealing with a swollen, stitched up mighty mess that even Stephen King couldn’t dream up. There are a variety of elixirs and contraptions to help ease the horror including sits baths, frozen bags of peas and a little water bottle that you squirt on yourself while you pee. In my experience I’ve found that it’s best not to look – it was actually worse than I thought it would be. Dear God so bad.

3. You’re still fat.

You will need clothes after you’ve had this kid because you’ll be sort of second trimester doughy for a while. This is yet another reason I hate those damn model asshats that are wafer thin 10 minutes after they’ve given birth because it isn’t realistic. Everything is very different when you’ve had your tummy tuck during your elective c-section and you can hand your baby off to a nanny and have a personal trainer up in your face everyday. Pilates and brown rice my ass. Stupid starlets. Except Heidi Klum. I love Heidi Klum and that bitch earned her wings.


4. You might cry. A. LOT.

Some women get off really easy with this one and don’t ride the hormonal roller coaster after they’ve had a baby and to them I say “lucky, lucky whore”. It doesn’t help that it can run the gamut from absolutely nothing to full blown postpartum depression so not everyone is sympathetic if you have the Niagara Falls boo hoos if they didn’t. The other tricky thing is that you might not recognize how bad it was until you’re out of it. It’s best to have people that actually know you keep an eye on this one. If they tell you that you’re losing it, you probably are so listen to them and go see your doctor. Nobody wins if you’re miserable.


5. Your hair might fall out.

I know. Don’t you feel pretty now? So here you are all postpartum and doughy and to add insult to injury you might start losing some of your hair. Here you were all excited about your luscious locks while you were pregnant, well, sorry Cinderella but the party is over and the hair fairy wants her glass slippers back. This is one of those wonderful hormone side effects that can come with giving birth. At least there will be less to worry about when pulling your hair up into your new-mom crack-ponytail.

6. Breastfeeding might be difficult.

If you choose to breastfeed your baby, be prepared for a little bit of work. Not everybody has a smooth ride (me included) and it can be anything the soft, bonding vignettes they plaster all over “Breast is Best” pamphlets. The good news is once you’re over the hump it’s pretty maintenance free and you can never forget your baby’s lunch on the counter. If you have an easy time of it, awesome! Don’t brag though, you’re liable to be beaten to death with Bugaboo strollers by hormonal mothers in the park.

7. You might hate your husband.

I have two theories of nature. One, babies look like their fathers when they are born so the father is reassured that the baby is his and won’t take off. Two, nature takes care of you not conceiving right after giving birth by making you want to punch in his face every time you see him. Again, it’s probably hormone related. Again, this isn’t always the case but I’m just warning you that you might stare at his peaceful sleeping face at 2am and wonder what the hell the point of him is and how can that son of a bitch just lie there sleeping like while you try to get your baby to sleep for the umpteenth time. You’re not alone and a jury full of mothers with newborns wouldn’t convict you if you bludgeoned him to death with a breast pump. That said, he may be worth keeping around so take a deep breath and ignore the urge……for now.

hapily after giving birth

8. You might be hot.

No, not good hot. Gross, sweaty, fat man hot. Thank your hormones. Once again they may be to blame for giving you hot flashes and making feel like a high-noon whore. Nothing says sexy like a woman with 20lbs of extra baby weight, who’s losing her hair and walking around like she just ran for a bus. I’m adding that to my theory of nature’s birth control along with number 7.

9. Hard boobs.

You know those crazy porn boobs you see on some women that are just gigantic and don’t move? No? Well, try skipping a feeding while you’re nursing and you’ll have a pretty good idea what that’s like. It sounds cool but it isn’t so don’t add stripper heels to your registry….well, not for this reason anyway.

Happily After Giving Birth

10. Pooing is scary.

I saved the best for last, non? No matter what exit your baby used, your BM equipment is close by and you’ll have to use it eventually. I think the phrase “tentative terror” best sums up this act and may I suggest picking out extra names because you’re going to want to name your first poop after you take such tender care bringing into the world. Gross? Sorry. Fact? Yep.

Happily After Giving Birth, pooping

Haven’t I painted a pretty picture here? Aren’t you looking forward to all the treats that come with motherhood? Well, thankfully, not all of them happen to everybody and you (and everyone around you) will be so focused on the new little person that you’ll have little time or energy to worry about much else. And hey, who cares, you made a person. A whole person. It doesn’t matter if you’re a surly, bald, sweaty garden slug for a while, you just performed a miracle so unless you’re booked to walk the runway in your
underpants in two weeks, don’t worry about it and tell anybody who says otherwise to eat shit. Hey, you can always blame it on your hormones.

And seriously, don’t get scared. You may get off easy and get none of these things to any great degree, and if you’re really, really lucky you’ll have a birth like my friend, Moira.

In the meantime, be sure to check out the Exit Care post. You know, just in case.

10 Tips for Handling Vistors After Birth

From hair falling out to an awful lot of crying, here are 10 things they don't tell you about after you give birth to a baby. #breastfeeding #givingbirth #postpartmhealing #newmom #newmomhumor

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  • I had 4 kids and never had any of these problems. Still married to the only man I’ve ever known and been with since I was 16. He’s a great husband and father and he took care of me through everything life threw at me.

  • Was just talking about babies yesterday at work…when I had my last in the RUH in Saskatoon SK, I had a vaginal birth and got kicked out of the hospital before they even let me have a bath ….talk about gross…wonder if they are still so short staffed and short $ that they do this now? (She was born in 1996)

  • I was totally surprised by the hot flashes when I had our son 5 months ago–I vacillated wildly between drenched in sweat and freezing cold and was constantly messing with the thermostat, trying to find the perfect temperature for the house.

    My husband is a wonderful partner and does so much around the house and with our son, but at 3 am when the baby won’t sleep without having his mouth clamped on your nipple and you haven’t slept for more than 2 hours at a time in a week…well, I think I can be forgiven for wanting to murder all of the sleeping relatives in our house, including my wonderful husband.

    And hey, where’s the part where you talk about online shopping at 3 am while you’re feeding the baby? ^_^ Buy a second charger, ladies–I read SO many books on my kindle app and played SO much Panda Pop while breastfeeding in the wee hours. It helped keep me from falling asleep in the chair!

  • Ok, i had my second baby 3 months ago and boy is this true! I had AWFUL night sweats where i had to change my clothes! I dont think I had those the first time. And hating my husband was also in part by him thinkong my baby blues waterworks were stupid. Made me wanna punch him in the fave. Ugh. They have no idea. Porn boobs? Thats the exact term i used to tell my friend how she would know when her milk came in. So true, so true… and painful. But yay for babies! Theyre so worth it!

  • Has anyone mentioned broken coccyx (tailbone)? When I mentioned I had pain when sitting one of the nurses mentioned "Oh yeah we heard something pop during delivery and hoped it wasn’t your tailbone". I could not sit down without one of those donut cushion for weeks after giving birth. And years later if I sit in a bad chair or in an airline seat for a long period of time I’m in pain all over again

    • Yes! me too! I remember not being able to sit or stand up fast for at least two months after giving birth because of a pain in my tailbone.

  • I feel like crying after reading this! I had my first and experienced all of this! Including hemorrhoids and too many people asking why I still looked 7 months pregnant – adding to my tears. Those first few weeks were the most challenging period in my life!!

  • This made my night. I actually laughed out loud. Pretty much sums things up. And although those ten things are way too true, there are a hundred more reasons that make it all worth it, thankfully. Thanks for the great read.

  • lol..very true…but you should also add in how many women are not always smiling and model looking. A lot of women tend to be disheveled, sweaty and very tired looking with their hair allover the show

  • With you until the model comment. Who cares. A healthy baby is what’s important. They get paid to look good. And you get (insert incentive) for posting blog. No one picks on you for being able to sit at home and play with your kids all day and still get (said incentive). Body shaming is body shaming. Period.

  • Omgoshhhh!! I died laughing. I’m due in May and I have been forcing my mom to give me the dirty details so I’m not surprised. I was scared– Well these warnings at least made me laugh. Thank you.

  • When I had my son I had a third degree episiotomy although there was still some tearing into the muscle. My son had a 14 and a half inch head. The sitz baths and ice made me feel worse. My mom is an RN and she told me that they use to use heat. She told me to place a light (like a desk lamp) a safe distance between my legs but close enough to feel the heat without being burned for about five to ten minutes (you know when it’s enough). I had my husband bring my desk lamp to the hospital and tried it. It only took one time for me and the pain was gone. The heat helps to pull the soreness out. It worked for my daughter-in-law too. Sometimes the old ways are the best ways. 🙂

  • Oh my goodness I just read this aloud to my husband as we expect our first and we are laughing so hard tears are streaming! Hilarious thanks for the heads up!!!!

  • Thank you! For a good read, a great laugh and for easying my self-pitty for feeling SO messed up after my second child. All the way from Málaga in Spain, I salute you from one mome to another. Muchas gracias, de verdad!/ Anna

  • I didn’t take the stool softeners like I should have after I had a c-section. Don’t make my mistake. I managed to get impacted – which is worse than mere constipation. Picture wet, heavy mud in a funnel. Yeah. It’s not going anywhere. It was Sunday. At this point, my application of Colace was too little, too late. So I did some Googling, and sent my hubby for a glycerin enema.


    I had a C-section with both of my boys. But I went through labor and delivery in my bathroom that day, not once, but three times. I sat there, and it was like a act of God had taken over my body and I was no longer in control. There was no stopping that freight train of poo, it was leaving the station and all I could do was hang on to the counter on one side, the tub on the other, bear down and breathe through it. Your sphincter isn’t supposed to stretch that wide…We’re talking 2" diameter train cars here. I was in there for 45 minutes and did that three times before things finally settled down to "normal".

    I had always had a standing offer with my hubby that if he ever wanted butt play, I was game, as long as I got to use a comparably sized object on him. (This is my way of getting out of it without nixing the idea entirely.) Yeah. I took that off the table. No sir. Never again.

    Moral of the story. DON’T FORGET THE STOOL SOFTENER!!!!

  • My husband and I have loved this blog and followed it all throughout our pregnancy. And still do! Sicne having our precious baby, I’ve realized this post could not be more true – I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced all of these "things".

    Check out this sweet, sweet video my husband surprised me with a few days after she was born!

  • Thank you very much for this post. I am expecting my first baby and I have tried asking these questions but nobody seems to want to talk about it! Xx

  • Where WERE you 19 years ago?? I was so freaking traumatized and grossed out! I was like, "Why didn’t someone tell me this crap was going to happen? Mom? Seriously, you knew?"

  • I would have loved to pin your blog, but the language is too crude… And no, I don’t mean the down and dirty facts about body parts, I mean the additional cussing.

  • i laughed so hard i cried. how is it that you have me laughing at these awful things. i lost it at #5: "don’t you feel pretty now?" you are one funny lady. i will be honest, i was so nervous about pregnancy and delivery that i definitely delayed this process. now that i am in it, i am feeling much better laughing about this shit than freaking out about it. i can’t do anything about it anyway…so i might as well not be cuckoo-bananas about it. until it happens…then i will just do what feels right lol.

  • OMG I have tears streaming down my face right now. I laughed out loud the entire time I was reading it. The hubs is wondering what is so flippin’ funny. Never mind hon our youngest is 10 and you wouldn’t remember. If I can just add a description of the boobs – flaming bowling balls. Now I have never actually had flaming bowling balls attached to my body but I can vividly imagine what they feel like.

  • Let’s add little fact that NOBODY ever mentions that after birth, no matter if you opted for section or the camel throught the eye of a needle option your Libia can swell to the size of watermelons. Yep. That’s fun.

  • Nobody warned me about the first BM after giving birth. Other than they gave me some laxative in the hospital (it didn’t help). I was in the bathroom with my first born on the changing table screaming and crying while I was on the toilet screaming and crying.

  • I still don’t get how on earth Doutzen Kroes was able to walk the Victoria Secret runway two weeks after given birth.
    I couldn’t walk properly for 2,5 weeks, cause my crotch felt like it would implode within 30 seconds! So, I imagine her being some kind of superalien or she walked her minute on stage and the second she was backstage she screamed for maxipads and tissues.

    Not hating! Love that woman!

    And you are so right about the breastfeeding. I have been breastfeeding for almost 4 weeks now and tbh; I’d rather be pregnant again than breastfeed. I seriously hope it gets easier. Not giving up tho, but it’s not a walk in the park.

  • I am crying this is sooo funny! Thank you, I am 10 weeks pregnant and can’t eat anything at the moment without feeling like vomiting so I was definitely in needed to laugh…

  • It’s been years since I have given birth and for me most were true. Hopefully you don’t have a mother in law tell you she wore her "regular" cloths home from the hospital cuz that’s were the breast pump bludgeoning could happen. But hey that was 17 years ago and I still can’t fit into my "regular" cloths…but since when did 15 extra pounds define you?


    She’s not lying about number ten. Well maybe I didn’t want to name it but it was a memorable experience. I had a c-section and there was no way I could have done this on my own. Hubby helped me but his comment of "Oh my God you shit a beaver!" left me half standing, half squatting laughing and peeing. Needless to say the laughter hurt but we couldn’t stop!

  • 2- They let the intern stitch me up. When she was done she said, "Does that look right?"–to my husband. It wasn’t right. I had to have surgery to fix it 4 months later.

  • "making a person" is NOT a miracle. It is human biology. Propably 97% of the women in the world are able to "make a person". so how the hell is that a miracle?

  • I snorted in laughter at my phone reading this!! I wish I had found this article when I couldn’t stop crying for two days 3 weeks after giving birth!

  • Love this….. I’m reading this as I’m eating a Popsicle at 450 am in November….after turning off the heater….. Dyiiiing of hot flashes lol

  • As a guy in his late 20’s with a fiancee, I’m afraid of the repercussions child birth will have on our relationship. I’ll shoot straight here. I’m afraid of what it’s going to do to her, and indirectly me via her.

    So having a child with her will make her fat, destroy her vagina and body, make her hair fall out and her body sprout more body hair, and on top of all that hate me as well? Many of these changes are irreversible? And if I’m even a little bit unlucky she’ll also have a butt hole that doesn’t hold her poop to go with a gaping, pastrami sandwich leaking urine for a vagina?

    So this is what I’ve worked so hard for?

    I’ve taken the hard road to build a strong career while also spending as much time as possible thinking of her needs; ie not traveling for work, not taking certain promotions/opportunities in other cities, not fostering bonds with colleagues that only a single can, and spending more of my salary and savings on what she wants than I by at lest 10 to 1. So, I’m just supposed to shell out every dollar I can for her to peacefully transform into a beast mom who sits in a bathrobe or athletic tights, un-showered, out of shape, and yacking negativity about our child’s teachers and other parents all day? All the while spending every single dollar she can get from my wallet? And if I so much as let my eyes wonder to a woman who still gives a fuck, then I get to be treated like a monster? No effing thanks.

    And how can anyone enjoy that? For a guy (a real guy and not one of those fat, bald, floral-print diaper bag toting, van-driving pussies) it’s not honorable to just give up on the 1 and only life you have just because you got married and knocked your wife up (because she wanted to get pregnant).

    Forget that.

    Do you see how good life can be for a single guy with money and a career? Awesome. It means self respect, respect from others, friends, a nice place, vacations, nice things and women that actually take care of themselves, enjoy your company and respect you.

    Fun, hot women.

    And, on top of all of that, it also means having your own space, which means not having someone who wants to "bludgeon" you with a "breast pump" sleeping next to you at minimum.

    So tell me, what is so good about popping another child out and onto the pile–that is now in the trillions–of people that have walked this earth. And what entitles you to be a bullfrog leach just because you dropped one out while wearing a wedding ring?

  • Whoever you are, I love you for this. I’m due with my first July 29th so I have no idea what’s going to happen & now I do. Yay for having babies!

  • I absolutely love this!!!! Straight forward with some seriously witty sarcastic funny as hell wordage!!! LMAO! This made my day along with scaring the hell out of me… O_o I still have 180 days left until my joyful encounters 😉 thanks for the heads up.

  • I just gave birth a week and two days to a 25 week baby. I’m sitting in the NICU pumping milk and you just made me laugh so hard I snorted. Thanks for that

  • I sat here reading this and thinking this is all well and good but if she doesn’t mention the first (and next 15) poops it’s all for sh!t. And there it was. The #1 worst part of being pregnant, c-section and all the fun after… nothing, and I mean nothing, compares. Another poster mentioned lots of Colace and fiber. I agree but if you don’t drink lots and lots of water both will have the opposite effect. The BEST thing is lots of Activia yogurt. Two at a time, twice a day. Skip the lite kind because artificial sugar can do all sorts of stuff to your stomach (cramps etc). I have told pregnant women this in the checkout lane at Target and stopped them on the street. I deliver Activia to every friend in the hospital. It’s a godsend.

  • When a friend of mine had her first baby, she had to push for a couple of hours. This caused swelling so bad she thought she had grown a pair of testicles. To hear her tell the story leaves me laughing and gasping for breath. I mean, it’s not funny….but really, it is!!

  • I’m so happy I came across this, this is hilarious! Everything is true, which isn’t hilarious, but you sum it up great! I’m suprised my husband is still alive. I look at him and all I can think is why are you even here, what good are you, you require more work than this new baby, get out of my face! Hopefully one day I will like him again.

  • To all of you girls who have had, or may soon have difficulty breast feeding:
    Before you start chastising yourself or listening to well intentioned but clueless older relatives, go directly to your Pediatrician and demand that your child is checked for a short or tight Frenulum. This is the tendon like cord that connects your child’s tongue to the bottom of his mouth. If this is too short or tight the baby cannot latch on correctly. 9 times out of 10 this is the problem!!
    Thanks to the companies that found a way to sell you bottles and formula doctors stopped checking for this in the 1800’s. This is changing but much too slowly. ALL NEWBORNS SHOULD BE CHECKED FOR A SHORT FRENULUM AT BIRTH! Make sure your pediatrician reads up on it and make sure he or she actually does it! It could save you more than just breast feeding issues. Children will have many issues such as speech, cranial bone placement and development, crooked teeth, tongue thrusting, sleep apnea, TMJ and the list goes on.

  • Thank you for this. I wish I had it before giving birth the first time, but it is beyond accurate, true and informative. Also hilarious! Merci!

  • I understand the point of the author’s article here was to be funny. I get it. But I’m the mother of two boys 11 months apart, and I’m here to tell you that the horror stories presented in this article are not true for everyone who has ever had a baby. I don’t recall every losing my hair. Or wanting to kill my husband while he slept. Having a baby is a natural occurrence in life, albeit a little rough perhaps, but not in anyway as horrible as this writer presents it to be. I had a very difficult time breastfeeding and had to resort to bottle feeding, had dark circles under my eyes when I went to see my pediatrician for my son’s first appointment, and had kidney stones while I was pregnant. Yes, kidney stones. That will put a new perspective on pregnancy and childbirth for you. And then found out I was pregnant again when my son was only 2 months old. Maybe it wasn’t the easiest time of my life, but definitely not the hardest I think I will endure. How do you think people get by who have cancer? Give me a break. Maybe having a kid isn’t a walk in the park, but this article paints an unrealistic picture with a nod to someone who just wants to complain. Get a life.

  • I am due in 4 weeks with baby number 4. I have never laughed so hard and wanted to yell, "Right on sister!!!" to my computer so much in my life. This was awesome, spot on, and hilarious. Thank you. =)

  • I absolutely love this post! I just had my first baby 11days ago. He was born with an infection I his lung and had to stay in hospital on I’ve antibiotics for 7 days. I was released after 48 hours. I spent every day with him in NICU. All of your 10 things are completely true but I would have to add 1 more. You will pee your pants at least once if you had a vaginal delivery. The first night after birth I got up to pump because my little guy was unable to eat for the first 36 hours of life and I wanted to make sure my supply came in. As soon as I finally was able to sit up I started peeing. I could not stop it and didn’t even know I had to pee until it was already happening. This happened. Few more times in the hospital. It only got worse because then I had to deal with not knowing I had to pee or being able to hold and control it while I was not I the comfort of my own home, but in the hospital where the nearest bathroom was what felt like a 5 minute walk because I was no longer a patient with a room near by. I would stand up to change my little ones diaper and would immediately start peeing a little. One day my husband came with me but had left to do a few things. Once again I stood up and started peeing a bit I called my husband saying he needs to come back because I needed to change my clothes. I hurried to the ext door and with each step on my way there I peed a bit more but just kept going. Once I made it outside I could see him waiting for me. As I continued to walk to the car I let the flood gates open. And oh the tears just poured out. I finally made it to the grass and just sat down crying and peeing in front of the hospital. He came over to means assured me no one knew but clearly there was a trail left behind. It was terrible!

  • To add to the sex appeal, buy lots of disposable maternity pants. They are like thin paper Bridget Jones specials – they come well up your tummy over C Section cut and if you get in a mess with the lochia, just rip ’em off and bin the lot! Don’t buy your normal size – go for massive so they don’t hurt!

  • absolutely all true! and i would like to add a peice of advice … when heading to the hospital when your in labor DO NOT wear thong undies…or flip flops… im sure its going to be the last thing on your mind when you in that much pain but if you happen to have time to think then its best u change..

  • Thanks for reminding me of all the beautiful things to come! I had my son,via C-section, 18 months ago and am expecting in March.
    I kid you not, I think they should keep us in the hospital for 2 weeks after having a baby. Between the bleeding, exhaustion, falling out hair, breaking nails, fear of losing your mind, fear of using the restroom etc.., I truly do not know how any of us make it out alive.
    I tried to brew formula in a coffee pot and put coffee beans in the washer. Your brain will be mush.
    Anyone who has a husband who does not help out should be reminded of this every time he is "in the mood for sex."
    Not only that, my son spent the first 2 months in the NICU. It was the best break I could have had! Granted, we knew that he was going to likely be in the NICU, so we were prepared. I also had a C-section, elective, but who knew that they give you Pitocen during a C-section, and really do a horrible job of keeping you pain free or even controlling your pain. I wanted to scream for a week straight! I did not even breastfeed. I could not because of medication that I take for lupus. That was a blessing in disguise.
    Plus,I have a great husband who helped with everything! Maybe, it is because I’m 37 and would not tolerate any less then him doing as much as myself.
    I must be stupid, because this time, I am expecting to have a vaginal birth and am one hour away from the hospital, plan on breastfeeding, and plan on bringing the baby home vs.NICU.
    As horrible as most sarcastic mothers sound, most likely do not get how difficult it is to bring home a baby and how much time a baby consumes and how truly exhausting it is. If every teenage boy/girl had to take care of a newborn for just one week; I really believe that the teen birth rates would drop dramatically.
    Single moms are heroes and should be worshipped for all they do alone especially if they are working! I cannot imagine.
    If you breastfeed, please plan on pumping so that you can take shifts with your spouse. It will save your sanity. If you cannot sleep and are constantly in a fog of exhaustion-nothing, not even your new baby will be enjoyable. Don’t decline ANY assistance from others who offer to help you. If they want to make you some meals that you can freeze,watch the baby while you take a hot shower, are willing to take your older child/ren out for a while, or babysit while you spend time with your spouse-DON’T DECLINE! You can and will have plenty of time to demonstrate your superpowers at a later time.
    If you suffer from depression or PPD/anxiety/cannot sleep-please get help or this deal will be a miserable experience for everyone and it doesn’t have to be.
    Put your newborn and yourself on a schedule, it saved/saves my sanity. Our 18 month old goes down for three hours every afternoon. He gets up very early anyway. He is not required to sleep for the full three hours yet often does. It is our households "quiet time" and the best thing we ever did for us all.He has some toys and cloth books in his crib and actually enjoys his own time. As soon as possible for our new baby, feeding wise, he will be joining his brother and going onto this schedule, as well. It gives me time to rest, eat, shower, be with my husband, make phone calls, or do anything for myself. It is not selfish, as many of you Moms may think or those of you who have not yet had your baby. If you do not take care of your own needs, you will do a poor job of caring for the needs of your children. If you do manage to, you certainly will be a miserable Mom and your kids and family will feel that. Good luck!

  • Stumbled upon this on Pintrest. Sounds like pretty much the worst life experience ever. Remember people used to die from childbirth…No wonder. Imagine going through all this without stool softeners, medicine and pads.Those women probably wanted to die. I think I’ll adopt. I love kids, but I am wayyy to wimpy for this.

  • This article is great and the comments are even better!!! I had a water birth with my 2 kids (18 months apart) at home with a midwife. Still painful, but would recommend it to anyone. Great thing was that the water softened my skin enough that I didn’t tear!!! Yay!!! My big deal was that it took me FOREVER to deliver the placenta. An hour with my first son, and 2 hours with the second. Apparently they just didn’t want to let go and come out. My midwife was really patient and let it come on its own. I literally didn’t think the 2nd one would come out and started to think I would have to go to the hospital to get it removed. She finally put me on the toilet so gravity could help. It eventually came out. Its exit was PAINFUL (and it’s not supposed to be). Midwife said it was HUGE and doubled over, which is probably why it hurt so much.

    With my first birth, I had a tiny little internal tear (granulation tissue) that just wouldn’t heal up. Finally after several months, I had to get some sort of acid put on it. Healed up quick after that. Didn’t happen with the 2nd birth.

    I also had major breastfeeding issues both times and ended up pumping exclusively for a year with my 2nd child. Breastfeeding for me = toe-curling pain that NEVER went away or got better. That breastpump saved me. Thank you to the lactation consultant that recommended it!!!

    Still got belly blubber; hair fell out for awhile; hubs never wanted to get up at night and take care of baby; got rock-hard, painful boobs when I didn’t pump soon enough……etc… But I wouldn’t trade my beautiful little men for anything!!! They’re 2-1/2 and 1 and although frustrating, they are the light of my life! <3

  • That really creepy.I was wondering if these are the situation each mother during their pregnancy has to go through or is the case with some of the mothers.

  • Yep, those first few poops feel like oversized pinecones trying to pry their way out of your red, inflamed orifice. Then again it felt like my baby was coming out of my "pooper" as I so lovingly called it in the delivery room. They had to translate it for one of the East Indian nurses in the room who didn’t understand what a ‘pooper’ was.

  • I loved the "You’re still fat" part. Thank you! I hate how everyone wants to compare us regular women to super stars and models. My moms friend always said there is no such thing as ugly women, only poor women. Our lack of personal trainers and makeup artists make us human, I will not feel bad if I look like a bald garden slug. Thank you! Baby due in 5 weeks!

  • ALL TRUE! Went trough all of it plus BAD thrush in my breasts which caused me to formula-feed. Boys are now 3 and 4 yrs old and until I read this, I’ve completely forgotten all the aftermath of birth.

  • Ugh this article and all the comments are making me want to have babies less and less. I’ll remember to read this when I think I want babies again.

  • Thank you! Thank you for being honest, I had my first baby 5mo ago, I had a terrible 9 months, morning sickness, afternoon and night sickness, siatic pain in my left but cheek, back pain and the last 3days before I had her sleepless nights! Went to the emergency 3x and left In so much pain, after having my baby girl the va jay jay pain started and lasted 1mo, and no one ever talks about how painful it is to be intimate after being cleared from giving birth, ohhh how many times I had to tell my husband to be gentle with me -_- he never got it! And yes I wanted to strangle him every time I saw him laying there so peaceful as he slept through the night while I was up in pain trying to breast feed our baby at 12am, 2am, 4am, 6am! The bloody constant changing of your pads, the feeling of not feeling that you have cleaned yourself correctly because of the massacre that’s patched up down there. Oh the joys of child birth! What a sacrifice, BUT with all that said… I’m going to say it, I never thought I would but you DO FORGET the vivid pain of it all, as I was going thought the pain I said to myself "ill never forget how awful this is" but you do, the memory of it all, the uncomfortable pain, the tiered sleeplessness nights it all slowly fades away, so ladies there is a silver lining, EVERY ones experience is so different, with lots if prayer, rest, water and support from family and friends you will be ok 😉 good luck! And great job! It’s a traumatic experience your body goes through, it will pass, it will be challenging but it WILL go away, enjoy your baby, love them, give them all the kisses, hugs, love the need, they are apart of you and ALWAYS will be, Ladies I salute you!!!!!!!!!

  • After #10 for me, my husband asked if I was ok, and through tears of pain I told him that I needed an epidural for that! HAHA!! Great blog! So TRUE!

  • This is the best that I’ve ever read! I’m so tired of women pretending it’s all roses. I wish I had read this before my first was born. Luckily babies kill your memory, so you can have more. I always try to warn my first time mommy friends that at some point in the first 2 weeks after baby you will want to punch your husband in the face. This article should be handed to new mothers along with their discharge paperwork from the hospital.

  • This is fantastic and so painfully true. Wish I’d read it two years ago before i gave birth. FYI they gave me the colace so I wouldn’t rip out my stitches from third degree tearing and they, shall we say, discounted my extreme sensitivity to medications so the colace created a very wild and unpleasant situation for me.

  • Oh dear God, Dear God! Why didn’t somebody tell me all of this crap before I got knocked up? I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want a kid….is there some kind of return policy. Only 7 weeks and some much to look forward to F’N great!

  • I had a friend who actually weighed more when she wad discharged from the hospital than she did before giving birth.

  • I really liked this, and thought that it described postpartum pretty accurately, but I would have appreciated it if it could have been more family friendly and not so much swearing. I know that a lot of people call me old-fashioned, but those are my values and I stick to them. Other than that, it was VERY funny.

  • This article is brilliant! I wish I had read it before giving birth. Why does no one talk about the afterbirth? I have so far experienced most of these plus the lovely hemorrhoids and awful nightsweats. Crazy what we women have to go through and only other moms can understand. But my little son is asleep on my chest and I’m filled with love. Somehow makes it all worthwhile…..

  • Now I 100% am sure I never want children. Thank you for helping me officially confirm my decision to never have a little monster.

  • I got told about all of that but half of it isnt true for all. Like 3, I had my son naturally without having a tummy tuck and looked normal straight away. Also I only had a couple strech marks that werent too bad and faded fast.

  • Thank you so much for this, my youngest is 7 but it seems like yesterday when reading these – had all 10, biggest surprise was #10, why doesn’t anyone tell you that? biggest issue was #6 as my milk never really did come in and after trying everything possible for several months my lactation coach finally told me to throw in the towel. I felt like a failure and that my children (as it happened with each of them) were going to be stunted both physically and mentally. Didn’t help that I had "sympathy" from the mums who could breast feed, some well meaning, most not so much. For those of you who have this issue not to worry as both my kids have been healthy, at the top of their class and growing well (a little too well only last week it was "what do you mean your shoes are too tight? they’re only 2 months old!"). Thank you so much for sharing the joy – now that is what a true girlfriend does!

  • Thanks for posting this. I have tried to inform all of my first time mom’s of these lovely things right before they delivered.

    I would also like to add…you might be incontinent. I had hard vaginal delivery and pushed for over 3 hours. I guess during that time my poor little bladder suffered some trauma, and for about a week I was unable to really control when I peed. You can imagine how that was when people would come to visit! I would have to jump up in the middle of sentence and run to the bathroom. I’m sure I cried about it several times. But it was worth it 🙂

  • Haha!! Hilarious!! Glad you added in about the pooping at the end!! I was going to say, there is no way she can leave out the awful pooping ordeal that we all go through!! Oh man, so funny! 🙂

  • exactly what pregnancy and having a baby is like… of course none of this is included when they saw "giving birth is the most beautiful thing"…. these ppl have never given birth… =O)

  • I was not expecting my milk to flow the colour of Tropicana Orange juice. I wept with shock. Why don’t they tell you this can happen? Also pouring a jug of lukewarm water on yourself when you pee is less painful for injured lady bits.

  • I am in love with you, author, and wish I could be your best friend. I also wish I had read this before I had my first baby. I’m going to share this with every woman I know and ask her to spread the truth.

  • I must have got a "gold ticket" lol easy labours and delivery and walked out weighing less then before i became pregnant.

  • The after-birth crotch truly is a nightmare. The concoction they gave me in the hospital consisted of stretchy mesh underwear, a giant bag of ice, a thunderpad the thickness of a strip steak and spread with some sort of healing goo, and all topped off with a numbing antiseptic spray to my nether-regions. It was easily the most heavenly yet terrifying thing my girly parts have experienced (after childbirth itself) and I lovingly dubbed it the Diaper Cocktail.

  • I quoted part of this on my blog a long, long time ago: "You made a person. A whole person. It doesn’t matter if you’re a surly, bald, sweaty garden slug for a while, you just performed a miracle, so unless you’re booked to walk the runway in your underpants in two weeks, don’t worry about it…"

    But now it’s gone from your post, it seems! That was my favorite part, too.

    The rest is still terribly funny though.

    • Oh my god, thank you! That section dropped when I updated the site and didn’t notice it! I’ve added it back in. Now I just have to keep combing though the site to see what else went rogue.

      Seriously thank you for taking the time to let me know.

  • y’all, my feet swelled BAD with my first child. Huge. Had to go up two shoe sizes.

    2 weeks after he was born my feel were still puffy. We had guests over looking at the baby. I was sitting with flip flops on and I thought somehow the dog had came by and peed on my feet, because all of a sudden they were soaked.
    all the water retained in my feet and ankles SWEATED OUT in like 20 minutes. it was gross. there were literally puddles of sweat on my flip flops.

  • I also recommend what my mother called "Prune Fizzies" which were nothing more than prune juice and vernors (ginger ale). Even when she gave them to me as a kid, I was slick as a whistle in no time!

  • This is stupid. Compared to being able to bring a child into the world, the points in this post are simply not a big deal, and some of them are just downright shallow. Not to mention everything mentioned here is completely temporary.

  • I made the mistake of asking my husband to help me use the restroom after… where he ever so politely informed me that my lady parts had a strong resemblance to a turkey’s neck… so sweet

  • What they don’t tell you about having a Csection is that the doctor takes your uterus out and has it on display outside of your somewhat evicerated body! And perchance if you are curious and alert, you may see a mirrored image of your said uterus outside your body reflected on the overhead surgical light fixture as I did. Additionally you may have the added pleasure of having your spouse or significant other videotape behind the curtain( if the surgeon is amenable to that) and have your celebrated uterus captured on video for posterity. Yes this can REALLY happen as it happened to moi!!

  • I would like to add one if you please. About 6 days after I had my first dear son, I had an heart attack in the bathroom because after wiping I noticed my stitches were coming out… I thought my vajaja was coming apart.

    It is supposed to do that, they dissolve after a few days to a week so don’t freak out thinking your falling apart.

  • Ha! Yes, these are great. We just posted one for dads. Men are often surprised that their emotional response to the new baby is so intense (not to mention moms’ hormone-fueled mood swings).

  • So much truth here! Some advice about the pooing problem: Keep your poo soft by eating plenty of fiber. Bran flakes were my best friend when I had my second child and helped make it so much easier than the horror I experienced after my first.

  • Too stinking funny!!!! Didn’t even attempt to breastfeed and I’m sooo glad I didn’t! I enjoyed each of my my babies (not twins) so much more knowing that my husband and I could take turns getting up and feeding.

  • I think this is THE MOST REAL account of a woman post delivery. I cried with laughter at #7 and had to read it to my husband. He smiled, but I’m not sure he thought it was as funny as I did…!! I wish I had read this sooner, but then again, having gone through most of what your wrote, it’s easier to laugh about it now.

  • Hahaha This is hilarious!!! I’d share this with all of my soon-to-be-mom friends but I don’t want to scare them! Lol…. I think it’s better to just not know!! It’s all so very true though!!!

  • I dont know whether to laugh or cry!
    Every one of these things happened to me after both of my deliveries, one was natural delivery and the other C- sec and both were HORRIBLE!
    I wish you had written this sooner hon, would have saved me the constant worry of äm I going crazy!""
    Great list though, keep up the truth telling 😉

  • I have never commented on any of these things but THIS was THE MOST HILARIOUS thing I have read in a long time!!! Every single thing you said was the ABSOLUTE truth too! hahahahahaha!!!!!! Tears are rolling down my face!! I can’t WAIT to share this with my daughter and my niece ….AFTER they both have their babies! hahaha!

  • everything you said is so true. My youngest is 18 now, but I will never forget after I had my first child, walking around the house in a daze, crying, with the giant diaper on myself (oh I made the mistake of looking down there!) Oh a side note: I pretended to be really concerned about my healing episiotomy which stretched almost to that poop hole, and I made my (now ex) husband look to see if it was infected when he asked for the millionth time when we could have sex again! I thought he was going to vomit! and he didn’t ask about sex for months! OK back to what I originally wanted to comment, I remember crying hysterically, walking around the house in my robe, with the giant diaper on, and a wet tea bag on each cracked nipple, wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into!!! The nurse at the other end of the phone (it was a number to call when you had breastfeeding questions) told me that there was something in tea that helped cracked nipples, and not to worry, your nipples will harden up after a while! Thanks for making me laugh, and my three children are the best thing I ever did!!! Oh you forgot to mention the hormone that somehow makes you forget all the bad stuff about giving birth, when you even consider doing it again! Seriously! Every woman would only have one child!

  • OMG, this is hilarious! I’d like to add another:

    * Never EVER bend over to look at your hemorrhoids in the mirror. NEVER. EVER. Don’t ever do this. I’m used to having hemorrhoids so I was curious to see what post-partum ones looked like. Holy @#$#@!!!! That image was seared into my brain for months!!! No wonder I couldn’t sit without tears welling up in my eyes! Don’t ever look. Just let em heal.

  • Don’t forget possible loss of bladder and bowel control— had to send my mom out for adult diapers.
    Also, get the Percocet filled. I didn’t…thought I could tough it out and ended up in the emergency room. Oh, and the migraines at about 6 weeks– [email protected] hormones!

  • My baby was breech from day 1 and never turned down. I knew he was going to be a c-section pretty early on. I had two tiny fibroids and apparently the hormones from pregnancy make them grow. They grew to be the size of baseballs so I was essentially carrying twins. I gained a near 70 pounds – most of which was fluid. The pressure caused some muscle (that’s like a bowl in your rear end and keep everything in) to spasm around the 4-month mark. From that day till delivery I felt like I was able to literally crap my pants. I had to go to a proctologist for an INTERNAL massage – that was a once and done for me! I just opted to suffer with it. That was ONE of several things I had to deal with. Reality, I’ll do it all again for baby number two … one day 🙂

  • Nobody ever told me about the ring of fire!! The doctor tells me to push and all I can do is scream at him "NOOOOO!!! It burns!!!"

  • …..There’s also the randomly peeing yourself, and the pain sitting down. I cried the whole car ride home because it hurt so bad to sit. It took nearly a week before it didn’t feel like my uterus was falling out of my vagina.

  • Too funny, and unfortunately, too true. I actually nearly fainted the night after I gave birth. I had been in labor for a couple of days, and hadn’t showered in over 3. They took the baby to give him antibiotics in the nursery and I tried to shower. I bled so much it took a team of nurses to get me back into bed and I fell asleep as soon as I got there. Whoops.

  • I just happened across your blog and I think it is the most funny and true thing I have read. Thank you! I especially enjoyed the part about hating your husband; because, for the life of me, I cannot fathom how in the hell he can sleep with a screaming baby in the room. Also, thunderpads. LOL

  • So happy I found this on Pinterest I'm due 11/1 and now have a great list of items to pick up at the store for after care. I like (for the most part) knowing what to expect 🙂 Tx all for sharing!

  • All of this is soooo true. And, to add to that shit, I also got e.coli in the hospital so a few days after going home my c-sec stitches busted open due to the infection trying to escape my body. I'm talking a waterfall of blood from my stomach. There was nothing magical about my birthing experience. My kiddo was worth it, but I think I'm done.

  • wow. i really wish i read this before i had my son. he is now 2 and im just now getting out of the Post pardom depression, and i didnt think i was in one until i started actually getting out of the house and going places,… and sadly no one else recognized it in me either. the only place i went out to is work. and my poor husband had to deal with it …

  • My youngest is 28, and I do believe I experienced all of the above, but not all in one pregnancy. Didn't know there was a name for the 6 week period after!!

    You also didn't mention hemorrhoids. When I gave birth to my 3rd baby, I didn't ask if it was a boy or a girl. The first words out of my mouth were "How are my hemorrhoids?!?"

    My best friend told me she ripped the toilet paper holder off the wall when she had the dreaded "first BM". Ah….the joys of motherhood.

  • My favourite part was first bowel movement. I had been on serious pain medication so it took days and when it happened, my husband swears I pushed out a piece of firewood!!!!!! I should have named it in hindsite! LOL

    My milk was late with baby number two and I went from a B cup to D over night and was terrified. They were so hard and huge that the baby couldn't get them to work!!! I had to pump and pump!

  • It's been 44 years since I had my last of 3 babes, and I concur with all comments and shares! It's amazing how vivid the memory is after so many years. Thanks to all of you for the best laugh of the day! Blessings, courage, and good luck to all who are still willing to contribute to life on this earth in spite of all that's in store~♥

  • I have to add, that NOBODY told me the pain that I was going to feel after birth in the pelvic floor. I thought I had a baby sitting on it for days afterwards–or that I had poop sitting on my pelvic floor that I didn't know about.


  • OMG! I laughed until I cried! Even though it has been almost 12 years since my last child's birth, I could relate to so many of these. Don't forget the also, dreaded Pregnancy rash, which I had with my first son. I was ready to go to the bank and withdraw whatever amount of money necessary to get my doctor to deliver him early so I could get relief for the itchy rash. And the breast feeding…..hilarious. I didn't breast feed, but I used enough cabbage leaves in my bra to have a pot of cabbage soup. Thank you for posting this!

  • No one told me about the placenta delivery!!!! My doc was sewing me up and all of a sudden, I thought I was having an unexpected twin. Then they started pushing on my stomach. I was scared to death!!! Thanks for the great post. I was laughing my butt off. Love the comment from the dad!

  • I have tears in my eyes from laughing so much.

    love ur post. some soon to be mums will definitely get a shock!

    I would also add terrible gas. i had an emergency c-section and my stomach afterwards was so bloated and made some aweful noises…. but nothing compared to the noises as that free air moves south 😛

  • I will never forget how horrifically horrible my first pee post baby was. My midwife had warned me to rinse with the very glamorous squirt bottle with water/with hazel (WONDERFUL!!!) mix……however failed to inform me that I would need to squirt WHILE peeing to avoid the stinging pee of death. I screamed louder than during my delivery and literally fell off the toilet.
    Remember the warm water in your squirt bottle people!! Be ready and armed before you start peeing!!! Best advice I can give anyone.
    Oh and that delusion you get immediate post delivery that you feel absolutely perfectly fine to shower by yourself….only to discover half way through that you can't raise your legs to get OUT of the tub….whilst you locked your goddamn door hahaha. Oh the days

  • I had 4 (now all grown up), but this was a good and funny read, and brought back some (fond?) memories.
    I recently had cause to shake my head at my younger sister; her 5 month old sleeps through the night, but wakes around 5am. Did I think she should try to get him to go down later, so he would wake up at a more reasonable hour, like 6.30 or even 7am? All I could think to respond was to NEVER mention this to another new mum, because if someone had said that to me back then I would have bludgeoned her to death immediately. I also told her that if she chose to mess with what wasn't broken then on her own head be it… she replied "but I don't like getting up at 5am"… *sigh*

  • I adore you…with every fiber in my being. You rock…and I must be in your inner circle! Every bestie of mine is getting this blog address for their birthday…and Christmas…and arbor day. Cheers fellow mama…cheers!

  • So funny! I have a 9 week old at home so this is all fresh in my head. One other thing…your pelvic bone can rotate throwing everything out of alignment. For me I can't lay flat on my back on a hard surface or sit comfortably on my hardwood floors. Some people can't even walk comfortably. This means weeks or months of physical therapy. Makes it even harder to get rid of the baby weight. Good thing you get a beautiful baby out of all this.

  • You totally nailed it. Yup, giving birth is a miracle but it ain't 'Hollywood Glam'. It's been almost 9 years since I had my last baby and you brought it all back – the good and not so glam. A wonderfully funny post.

    The Baking Bookworm

  • You forgot to mention the uterine "massage" given by the nurses! Massage my ass!! Never sounded more like a sailor then when they were kneading my swollen belly like day old yeast!! Oh my god! It's like they take every frustration they've ever had and beat the shit out of your belly to let it out!

  • I dunno why I clicked on this Pintrest link—but I've never had kids and don't plan to. I def have an incentive to stay on my birth control now and always use a condom! Thanks for the warning!

  • What about hemorrhoids? I didn't even know that's what had happened to me during my FIRST labour, until I got to the end of my SECOND pregnancy and, as I told my dr: "My butt is poking out of itself!" I simply thought my anus had been unfortunately stretched during the first labour (kid shot out like a cannon, some tearing)…. but since they got worse with the second pregnancy, I now know THE TRUTH.

    It's not major, but it's annoying, and I'm told I can have surgery. After I'm done having kids. Because more pregnancy + labour = more hemmorhoids. Praise the lord for this miracle of child bearing. 🙂

  • What about incontinence? I peed myself for about 2 week afterwards. Usually if I sneezed or laughed a little would come out. However, once or twice I had a full blown pee pants situation while walking.

    Also, no one seems to mention the 'uterine massage' right after birth. That was horrible! The fisting of the stomach was a shock to me.

  • Oh.my.god. This could have been written about me, all of it. It's so hilarious too! Haha, I mean the way you wrote it, not actually going through it.
    I'll save this to remind myself why I don't want anymore children 😉

  • I will have to agree with 9 out of the 10… For me anyway the bleeding after my c-section was done by the day we left the hospital, which was the fourth day out. I think it depends on who your doctor is and how your body reacts to giving birth.

  • I have two children. I was laughing so hard reading this that I had to get a box of tissues to wipe the tears from my face. Every statement true. True true true!

  • OMG! Why did I not find this BEFORE I had my baby??! I thought my crotch was a hot mess and thought, surely this has never happened to anyone else's crotch because no one told me what to expect!! It's been 2.5 weeks since I had my baby and thankfully my crotch has recovered but damn it was a painful hot mess, from front to back. Ugh!! I think my baby will be an only child.

  • HA HA!!! This is all SO SO SO TRUE!!!! I love it. Take heart, your body will return to normal, mostly….. I am still fighting some extra weight. I have 2 boys and between the two of them all of these came true for me. 🙂

  • After a vag delivery I was so swollen down there that the period was painfully. I actually had bold clots that felt like I was giving birth again, I thought I was tearing out stitches. I felt pain and didn't know it was a blood clot till after I pushed, yes I had to push, it out and the pain was suddenly gone.

  • I had two babies premature and both spent 10-12 days in NICU. I want to tell anyone who is feeling guilty because breastfeeding is not going well—do not feel guilty. I could not even hold my first born for 4 days because he was hooked up to so many tubes. I did my very best with breastfeeding and pumping but didn't make it past 2 months. If your child is having trouble (even if he/she is not premature); if you think he/she is not getting enough to eat, that you are not making enough, buy some formula and give the baby a bottle. You are not a bad mother, and your child is not suffering because you gave up on breastfeeding. Both of my sons are healthy, have not suffered ear infections or very many colds and they both were only breast fed for about 2 months. One of my nurses told me that if you were only able to breastfeed for two weeks, your baby has benefitted as much as they would if you had breastfed for one year, because the baby got all that wonderful colostrum. That nurse was a godsend to me amongst all the lactation consultants constantly in my face about breastfeeding my premature infants. Trust your instincts as a mother and don't EVER let someone make you feel guilty.

  • Ha! I love #10. My mom arrived 3 days after my son was born, and I hadn't pooped yet and the first thing I did when I saw her was burst into tears and say, "I think I might have to poop today!" I was so scared. Also, the bleeding. I only bled for 2 weeks after, but that was about 12 days longer than I thought I would. I actually called my doc after a week and she was like, "Uh…and?". I also want to warn women that in the hours after delivering, get up and go pee as often as you can. Or else you will pee yourself. I managed that one twice. Poor nurses.

  • I remember looking at my husbands sleeping head and thinking I could smother him with my pillow-since it wasn't being used. And don't forget after labour, somewhere around the 2 month mark – when your spouse starts asking why the house is not cleaner, or if dinner can be ready with more frequency. And the kicker? HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME HOW TIRED HE WAS!

  • These are great! I read most, not all, of the comments, so forgive me if I missed someone posting this already.. Try to poo as much as you can before the delivery or you may just accidentally push an extra surprise out in the delivery room. That makes for an AWESOME memory / photo op (as if your husband taking hi-res pictures of the waiting for the baby to come out isn't embarrassing enough!!) Thanks for the post!

  • Nobody ever tells you that your vagina will never be the same again. I don't care how many kegels you do, you will never be your pre-baby fomer self down there. Might be different with a c-section, I don't know. My friend who had a c-section said her vagina was still "trashed." My single guy friends who have dated mothers and non-mothers say there is a definite difference between the two groups. I was shocked after baby number one, and terrified when pregnant with #2 that if the "vag blow out" is as bad as after the first, I may as well just refer to it as a wet paperbag. Luckily, the main stretch seemed to occur with the first, and after the second it wasn't adding more looseness on top of old looseness, like I had feared. But unpregnant ladies out there….think twice. If you value sex, especially the lovely first moment when your partner enters you….that will probably not return after a baby, ever. The guy could be as big as a porn star and he'll be in before you even know it…..

  • Seriously, you have no idea how much I appreciate this! All the women around me are getting preggo and I am so not ready! I knew they were hiding stuff from me… Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be psyched when I take the plunge in (hopefully!) a few years, but it's really good to have a positive, honest perspective.

  • LOL…..YOU HEAR ME?! LO FRIGGING L !!!!! (my hubby has already come and checked on me twice in my fits of laughter!) This is AMAZING! Thank you sooooo much. My daughter is 5 but the joy and laughter this brought going down memory lane is priceless! More than anything your brutal honesty and that of all the others who commented made reading every page so worth it! I am hoping to have another baby and will definitely have this as a part of my readiness kit.

    Personally I experienced 9 of the 10, breastfeeding was a breeze for me even though I still suffered engorgement and cracked nipples. It was not severely painful like most that I read but what was was the bunch of grapes in the posterior region and extreme lost of hair! Also I know a couple persons mentioned painful sex after but my problem was no so sex drive what so ever….for a couple of months!!! Sure made up for it later though 🙂

    Good luck to all of you and bountiful blessings.

  • Let's not forget the numerous trips the nurses make after birth to push on your stomach and help your uterus contract back down. After my first C-section, when the nurse came in at 11 pm to do the first one, I cried the entire time and had to pull myself to each side because it hurt so much. Other than that, I laughed at everything, shaking my head in agreement!

  • This is very true, but I feel like #3 isn't necessarily true in all cases, I exercised a lot during pregnancy and right after I gave birth I had my flat stomach back with no surgery and have kept the weight off with breastfeeding, other than that, this is very accurate and very funny!

  • OMG! This is so funny! I had my babies over 26 years ago and wish that your blog had been around then! My daughter is currently pregnant with my first grandchild and she sent me your link. I love, love, love your humor and the only advice I can give you is to keep doing what you are doing! Enjoy the journey and keep on keepin on! Sherri R

  • Very funny. I didn't have all of this. I was hormones to get pregnant so I was already crazy. Luckily i lose weight when prego. I weighed less after birth. C-section not a biggie. But they told me the pain I had while pregnant was braxton hicks. Nope had the baby still had the pain. Had my gall bladder out 6 weeks after c-section. Breast fed the entire time b/c when we gave him formula he projectile vomited. Rock hard boobs yes. But, don't forget if your baby is not with you and it gets close to feeding time stay AWAY from crying babies. You will leak like a sieve. ALWAYS have breast pads. Funniest part my son did not like my left boob . Nothing inverted or anything He just didn't like it. i pumped it but it was never the same size as the right. The right one was twice the size. I was lopsided for more than a year! lol But I still had it better than alot of you girls. Happy Parenting

  • How bad is it that when I read this, I sob because it makes me want to have a baby, despite knowing that my vaj-j will break and the inside of my rear will fall out and it will be a total mess?

    Stupid Biological Clock.

  • this post is amazing. i had every little thing on that list… now i have two girls (9 and 10 years old). back then i didnt even heard about all of this, im so happy you wrote about it!! great sense of humor btw 😉

  • This is probably the best thing i have ever read! one thing i found was very helpful after i had my daughter was putting witch hazel on a pad to help ease swelling (17 stitches there was guna be ALOT of swelling) and with so many stitches the little squirt bottle sometimes hurt so peeing in the shower was the best! hahaha just remind your hubby not to join u 🙂

  • Great Blog, love the honesty! – I had most of these nightmarish things occur but I also broke my tail bone during labour the first time round – they certainly don't mention that one in the pre-natal classes! 6 weeks of agony and unable to sit up whilst feeding due to the pain pretty much put the cherry on my dream (not) 14 hour "natural" (hahaha) labour. If you break your tail bone pushing ladies, don't worry the chicken scissors & 1000 stitches are a breeze.
    Also that hormone change that's supposed to happen a few months after birth, started to kick in in week 2, fun times for all – not sure why I went back for a second time, but thankfully it was a real dream preg/labour (decided to give up whilst I was ahead).

  • I didn't have time to read all 11 pages of comments, but I think an Honorable Mention should go to pooping on the delivery table!! No one told me that pushing a baby out of your body would have the same consequences as a bowling ball being run over a garden hose!! The facts are you WILL poop on the deliver table, unless you're one of those people that took the time to evacuate your bowels before heading to the hospital! Don't worry, though, other than the acute embarrassment, they are totally prepared for it with these wonderful little cotton balls soaked in warm water… Trust me when I say if you are at all shy or self-conscious, get over before you head to the hospital! At least 10 people will have viewed your Va-jay-jay, heard you fart, watch you poop and clean up after you before it's all over….

  • I know i'm late to this post but I just found you on Pinterest and had to comment about the breastfeeding.
    Lucky enough for me my little one started sleeping 6 hours at a time 2 weeks in to coming home BUT for breastfeeding this was bad REALLY BAD. you don't use it you lose it!! Make sure you wake your ass up to pump it out or you wont keep making any. Also for leaking boobies in the night those dinky little breast pads didn't do diddly squat I used cloth diapers (those old school white ones) under my sports bra then another one on top of that with a tight tank to soak up all the leaking. . . . I would wake up almost drowning in my boob juice if I didn't. But that is also from not pumping on a regular basis even though she slept

  • Funniest article I've read in a LONG time… thanks for sharing.

    We were thinking about having kids next year… maybe not now (after reading all that).

    Any PROS to having kids??

  • Oh my goodness. I don't think I'll ever have kids now. I wasn't planning on it to begin with, but WOW, this cleared all the doubt out of my mind!

  • it's 2 am and I'm on my side of our king-sized bed reading this post and the comments.. hubby's sleeping and I'm trying not to laugh too loud but the whole bed is shaking and I think I peed a little.. holy freaking truth!!! So.. has anyone else ever had the itching/burning of the nether regions post partum? I mean from stem to stern… I was in such agony all I could do was sit on a bag of ice and bawl while my poor helpless mom fed me ibuprofen and swore under her breath that if I had another kid she'd smother me in my sleep. And I got a mild case of the roids, but mary mother of god I find out the hard way that I'm allergic to preparation H???? This was baby #5.. you'd think I'd have experienced it all by now!! Then there was the blessed kidney infection from the foley cath, because there was NO WAY I was going to pass on the epidural! The hair loss – I had TWO cycles of it!! I'm still recovering emotionally from the 2nd round! lol but my beautiful blonde, blue-eyed little firecracker is worth every bit of the horror!!! 🙂

  • Oh Maude!!! We should be friends!! After puking my liver out for 2 months, and gaining weight till I looked like a beluga whale, I FINALLY gave birth to a 9 lb hemerrhoid and a 10 lb baby boy. The baby was so ugly when he was born that my husband declared: "that is NOT my baby"!! The nurse and OBGYN spun around and stared at me and I said "HE IS KIDDING"!! Anyway, took ugly baby home and refused to eat because what goes in MUST COME OUT and I was in no shape to produce a poop!! Milk came in and hit me like a ton of bricks…baby cried and spewed milk through night gown..slipped on it in the hallway going to get baby…tore episiotomy and screamed so loud neighbor called to check on me…it's been 17 years ago…I will NEVER FORGET IT!

  • OMG this is great!!! My boys are older now but I remember #9 very clear!!! My boobs hurt me so bad when my milk came in. Nothing seemed to help – I personaly think that was worst than childbirth..I did not breast feed so I has these big hard heavy boobs that I could not enjiy cause they hurt so bad. I could not even carry my boys in my arms cause they were so painful. My co-worker is preg with her 1st baby now so i will wait a few months before I show this to her. Don't want to scare her yet!!!!!

  • After reading EVERY single comment, I can still safely say that I cannot wait to embark on the journey of motherhood. Whenever that time comes, I'll definitely forward this to my husband, with the added warning that dark chocolate and foot massages will be an absolute must. :o)

  • In reference to the swollen mess of the nether regions after a vaginal delivery, I definitely remember using the numbing spray. Its call dermoplast and it has benzocaine/lidocaine in it, so it feels cold and numbs you up down there. A MUST HAVE!

  • I read this and the comments and laughed, I haven't laughed this hard in years. I am debating sending this to my daughter in law, who is expecting her first. But, I think I will just send it to my son, so he knows what to expect.

  • Don't forget when your milk comes in. It feels like two giant bowling balls have dropped into your chest, and then you have to try and get the baby to nurse on this flat surface of these bowling balls.

  • Oh my goodness this made me laugh so hard at some points and cry at others. I have to thank you for the honesty that most people aren't willing to share!!! As someone who is considering having children I appreciate having all of the facts, good and bad.

  • One thing that wasn't mentioned (and for good reason) was getting your nipples used to breast feeding. My child was suckling on those babies so hard I developed BLOOD BLISTERS on nearly every teeny tiny nub on my nipples. The thought of sticking THAT anywhere but in a bra filled with cold gel packs made me want to get on the next plane to anywhere…ALONE. I was told I had to suck it up (bad pun) and shove those blood blistered swollen babies back into the child's head until they went away by themselves. It wasn't until week FIVE did I start nursing and it didn't feel like my nipples were being removed by a serrated plastic knife everytime I breast fed.

  • I want to thank all of you for the BEST laugh I have had in a long time. Oh my gosh I remember each and everyone of these stories. I am going to save this for my daughter (26). I had everything that happened to everyone. The best is right after my first daughter was born, I went into the shower (finally) and cried and cried and cried until my husband called my mother because he had not one clue of what to do with me or how to get me out of the shower. She was a life saver and came over and said you keep crying hunny I will be right here when you are done.
    The best is though after four (4) children, I can still recall each and every detail including delivering the bowling ball head of one and the last one falling out in only 10 minutes, I would not trade not one single moment.

  • nobody says a word about the absolute agony of loosening tendons and ligaments in your hips and pelvis that can make trying to sleep insanely impossible. I laid in bed with every part of my body propped up with pillows and just cried from the aching pain in my hips and back. That and "morning sickness" lasts all freaking day for 6 months. at least for me. I lost 20 pounds in the first 4 months, had to live on fruit smoothies with whey protein. That "pregnancy glow" is just the i just spent half an hour dry heaving over the kitchen sink because my idiot husband made eggs again when he knows they are the one food I can't even smell right now without getting sick. Thank god for watermelon of i wouldn't have eaten anything for months. But when that gorgeous 4 yr old with the icy blue eyes fringed with black lashes holds my face in his little hands and says "mommy I wub you, your my best fwend" I would do it all over in a split second with no hesitation. worth it no doubt.

  • Oh Lord, it's been 34 yrs and I can still relate…and back then they shaved your ladybush before delivery, so along with all else you had the prickly grow-out…

  • What about pooping during labor. The nurse kept telling me it was the pressure of the baby's head on my rectum. So when I said I felt like pushing, she helped me deliver a 6 lb, 2 oz pile of poop. My Lamaze class never told me anything about an abdominal massage in the recovery room after giving birth vaginally. OMG that hurt like hell. 2nd baby was an emergency C-section at 32 weeks. I assumed they wouldn't give me an abdominal massage after that, but NOOOooooOOO. Apparently that's a special treat all new mothers get. And with the 1st baby I had an episiotomy the size of the continental divide, with stitches too numerous to count (trust me, I tried), and then keloid (sp?) scars at the episiotomy site that ripped open 2 months later when the doctor said it was ok to resume sexual relations, then 3 months of physical therapy and vaginal stretchings with silicone cylinders in graduated sizes. Oh, and bleeding while breast feeding? Try all blood & no milk. My 3 week old son looked like a third world starving baby. He had been surviving the whole time on my blood, not milk. I was finally able to breast feed my preemie, but whenever I visited him in the NICU and heard the other babies crying, I leaked milk all over the place. I was a regular jerseymaid cow. Ah yes, childbirth is such a beautiful blessing. I wouldn't change a thing.

  • I was never told that after giving birth, the mother can start shaking uncontrollably…yep, that was me. They were cleaning off my beautiful baby and I was shaking so hard, I wondered if I'd ever stop…definitely hormonal. And it did stop after 10 minutes or so and then I got to hold my miracle!

  • AWESOME post. Wow – just found your blog and I'm an instant follower. Thanks for telling me stuff no one else has – I have a few more months to go before I have all this too look forward to. BLAH!!!

  • This was a hillarious post! I read through it and was giggling and staring at my computer…My husband couldn't figure out what was goin on lol We have been married for 3 months and have no kids yet. Even after all of the comments (Yep, I read all 10 pages) I still want to have kids. Gonna save this to remind myself when we actually start trying for kiddos. Thanks for the laughs and good luck everyone 🙂

  • I thought I'd bring a cute button down sleep shirt to put on after the birth, figuring the baby was out of there so it would fit. I couldn't even button it! Bring something BIG to put on to sleep in after the birth.

  • HAHA… ok so I have never had a baby mostly because I still look at myself as a baby. So with that said don't judge me. I just got through the OB portion of my nursing clinicals and we learned all this in class. Once I heard it I called my mother and told her she could forget about grandkids, that is never going to happen now.

    Thanks for the post and making it so funny, with a nice touch at the end!


  • How do I like some of these comments?! I'm laughing my butt off right now! Seriously, these and the story itself are so funny but some really great advice! My little sister is pregnant with twins right now so I'll definitely be giving this all to her!

  • Night sweats. I'm sure that it goes along with being hot all the time, but with both of mine, I've woken up in the night to feed baby absolutely drenched in leaking hormones. UGH! So lovely.

    Currently balding, squishy, and hot.

  • There is also the nasty side of birth (not just the pain or gross body functions) where the baby's dad breaks up with you after you have the baby (and still insists the baby have his last name) Since my mother was going through chemo I had a close friend who was training to be a dula and knew I wanted a natural birth and no vaccines so she was my voice (it also helped to have my dad scare the living daylights out of a nurse trying to give my little guy Tylenol because he wouldn't stop crying)
    Even at the moment after birth where you feel like you are absolutely alone you never really are and things will get better.

  • My kids are all teens now, but I remember. Oh, how I remember. I loved this list and the comments that I read here. I didn't read through all 10 pages of comments here, so I'm not sure if someone mentioned this lovely symptom. Or maybe it was just me? But I had gas. HORRBILE, horrible gas. Not the painful kind (thankfully), but the clear the room, "Oh my god, what died in here?!" kind of gas. Maybe it's was just a co-symptom of old #10 up there, but it was so embarrassingly bad, even if I was too tired to care much at the time about when or where I "lessened the pressure," so to speak.

    And as one that has been there, it gets better and easier! Not that teens are a piece of cake, but they can wipe their own butts at least! 🙂 Hang in there newer mommies (and daddies)!!

  • I'm sure someone has already posted this in the comments but I'm not going to read through all of those! haha Up until recently I never knew you had to "deliver" the placenta/umbilical cord after you deliver the baby. That was a nasty surprise.

  • My mom has warned me about the post-baby BM thing. She suggests a stool softener. I was twelve when my youngest sister was born, so I also know the pee water spray bottle. I don't know how it helps, but my mom religiously used that thing for six weeks.

  • OMG. I laughed so hard I cried. My boys are older now, 11 & 8, but this brought back memories just as fresh (and raw) as if they had happened yesterday! Kinda like the birthing scene in "Back-up Plan". Thanks for the much needed laugh and trip down memory lane. Makes me think maybe having a pre-teen boy in the house isn't as bad as it could be. He could still be in my womb! Lol.

  • I'm 22 and not planning on having children anytime soon. I always thought I wanted children in the future but reading this and many of the comments has scared me… and scarred me…

  • I wish I had seen this 3 months ago before I gave birth to my first child….although I may not have believed it then, but I sure do now! Another point to ponder is that no matter how hard people tell you the newborn phase is, multiply it by about 400 and that would be more accurate 🙂

  • One thing to remember. If you have spinal anesthesia, do not stand up postpartum for a couple of days. Remember this, even if a stupid (they are not all stupid, but I had the one that was) nurse comes in and helps you to get up to go to the bathroom. You will get a killer headache, the memory of which will last (hmmm, how old is that dear baby of mine??) oh, yes, 29 years.

  • Just found this, amazing link. Thankfully (or maybe not!) I had a lovely friend at work who frightened me half to death with stories like the above before I had my first child which helped prepare me for the anslaught that is being a new mother. One thing not on the list was passing out or close to doing so during your first post-birth shower due to blood loss during labour (a particularly bad birth however) which led to needing a blood transfusion! That was with my first child but I went on to have another so maybe not so scary (the second was a doddle compared to the first). And don't fall for the midwives trick of making you wear a brick of a sanitary towel, the ultra thin ones do just as good a job and are much more comfortable and less messy, plus you don't look like John Wayne after riding his horse for 20 miles when you're walking!!

  • I'm the oldest of three and my youngest brother was born when I was nearly thirteen, do I still vividly remember all my mom went through. After he was born (10 lbs 7 oz), I did everything: diapers, baths, day feedings, laundry, so my mom could get some rest when I got home from school. My Dad was awesome at night and very hands-on (Josh was a surprise baby and at 42, I think he considered the baby as proof that he "still had it" haha). I remember Mom going through about half of these delights and there may have been a few more I just wasn't aware of. I felt awful for her hunching over to get the phone or the HUGE maxipads that bulged through her PJs. A container of Tucks was next to the toilet and I was grossed out when I read the back info. One time I was rocking Josh as Mom sipped coffee and I said, "He's so much work." She grinned and said, "He's the best birth control I could ever give you. Remember all this later on." Boy was she right! Four good friends went on to have unplanned pregnancies in high school and college; none of them had dealt with taking care of a child before and had a very Hollywood fantasy of motherhood. All had rude awakenings of varying severity. I spent my twenties working and in graduate school and never regretted it. When I turned thirty a few years back, I felt the social and family pressure to get the ball moving, but I'm waiting until I feel I'm ready since I witnessed firsthand what mothers go through and participated in a lot of the child care. I love kids but the job is so hard if it is to be done right. Mommyhood can wait a few more years.

  • Boy do I wish I had the internet when I gave birth to my first born 24 years ago. I spent the whole first 3 months thinking "why the hell didn't anyone tell me it was going to be like this"! Come to think of it, I've been saying that for the past 24 years. LOL

    Great post!!

  • Though I'm not a mom yet, I vaguely recall hearing some advice about getting ready to breastfeed: in the weeks before you give birth, you should "rough up" your nipples with towels. Not that you'll get callouses, but basically that's the idea to get them prepped and ready to breastfeed. Any truth to this?

    After reading all the comments, I'll have to be sure to practice my kegels and eat lots of fiber, too!!

    Also have heard of having bowel movements while giving birth – this happened to my best friend. I imagine there's a point where you just don't care about anything else except getting that baby out. In fact, my friend wasn't even aware it happened until her mom told her. Awesome.

    I'm really worried about the after baby poo… scary. I've never been regular – ever. And we have one of the top of the line nearly "uncloggable" toilets, and I still manage to back that thing up every now and then. : What will I do to our poor plumbing when I have a baby?!?! I guess I will just do a lot of praying…

    Thanks for posting this list – so glad to know all of these things that nobody talks about!!! Love all the comments, too!!

  • SLEEP!!!! When your new little angel sleeps, so should you, especially the first few weeks. Yes, you house may need some attention, but it can wait. You are no good to your baby if can't even see straight.

  • I lived through 9 out of 10 of your points.

    And I can add bleeding nipples. That pain while nursing was probably even worse than giving birth. But all was good after a while and I'm glad I pulled through with it.

  • I have laughed until I cried, and yes, "peed" a little while reading this post and the comments. I have 4 kids, 15, 13, 9, and 7. I had every last bit of this other than my uterus turning inside out. Breast feeding was torture! I gritted my teeth, cried, and tried so hard not to tense up so my milk would come on down. My nipples cracked and bled in spite using lanolin cream. I asked everyone I knew to help me, I desperately wanted to breastfeed, but no one I knew has ever had the same problem. I thought it must just be me, until today when I read this post. It has been 7 years for me, and 3 of my 4 labors were under 2 hours long, but uterine prolapse can happen even later. It can happen if babies are large, if the mom is overweight, or if labors were very fast. I not only have a prolapsed uterus, I also have prolapsed bladder and rectum. Not a pretty site. I am a nurse in the ER and I do know that the "looking" should be a no-no. I cannot feel "sexy" or attractive no matter what because I "looked" to see what was falling out. My husband now admits that at times, he pretended to be asleep to keep from helping with a screaming baby. One night, I screamed at him and cried for an hour through the baby monitor because I was so sleep deprived and jealous of him for getting enough sleep. I love him dearly and the years have softened those memories. I guess that is why he felt safe to tell me that. I only laugh about it now. But 15 years ago? That would have been divorce words, LOL.
    I love each of my kids and would do it all over again if I could. I miss them being small and I would give my life for them. I love my husband and he did get much better about helping out with the last 2 kids. He is a great father, and smart enough to know when to keep his mouth shut.
    I also remember the after pains! No one acted like they knew anything about this either. After kid #2, I wound up in the ER after almost passing out from the pain while I was breast pumping in my son's hosptial room (he had severe jaundice at 4 days old).
    Kids are a blessing from God, but oh my word! Didn't Eve mess it up for us all? LOL.

  • The best thing I did for myself was get the thin pads and wet them a little put them in the freezer for a few hours. What a nice cool relief that was. Just don't over wet the pad or all you have is a big block of ice. My husband made sure the freezer was stocked for me, he was awesome!

  • Found out later that 70% of women who have boys go through this.

    Almost got this right…. but the actual statistic is that 70% of women who experience PUPPS end up having boys, not that 70% of women who have boys get PUPPS. Good thing, because as bad pregnancy/childbirth/post-partum can be, PUPPS is just an extra layer of hell – it's actually pretty rare.

    Loved this article & all the comments – true & hilarious! Cheers to all the Mamas – never forget how strong you are!!!

  • for the first poop after yes very scary you might want to drink some prune juice or something you know makes you go with ease cause even farting hurts! and I had a cesarean …and those big pads well if your like me you will bleed through them oh other fun fact no one tells you about cesarean wise your not allowed out of bed the first day so the nurses have to clean up after your period umm mega gross!! but all I can say is I love my twin boys and am willing to do it again one day maybe

  • Oh my goodness!! I just took a trip down memory lane! This is sad, but true! I had 2 c-sections and with my 1st, I bled for 11 weeks- ELEVEN!!! I thought I was going to bleed to death! And the bathroom, that was absolutly the WORST, WORST, WORST experience of my life!!!! I have never cried and been more proud at once! And the boobs, my they were beautiful to look at but HANDS OFF!!! OUCH, did that hurt!! I can say though, EVERY TIME either of my kids woke up during the night, my husband was right there with us. We called it, "Quality Family Time!" We would DVR a TV show and watch it in sections through the feeding times. To this day, we can't bring ourselves to watch that show…. enjoyed the post!!

  • I am a mother of 2 (now teenagers) and I was encouraged to add my 2cents on this post from a friend of mine who is pregnant with her first. Here are my thoughts on this "wisdom," point by point:

    (1) Yes, this is true
    (2) The younger you are, the less so–and only if it's a vaginal birth; obviously, no problem after a C-section
    (3) Yes, but if you're disciplined, you can just start working out as soon as your doc gives you the ok and within 2 or 3 months, you "can" be back to normal
    (4) Not necessarily–depends on a lot of things and if you're crying *a lot*, it could be post partum depression (my baby #1, no crying at all that I remember; baby #2, a little, but not that much–however, I cried inexplicably at all kinds of movies as well as watching Oprah!)
    (5) I'd say you'll be lucky if the hair on your temples *doesn't* fall out–I had some loss, but not much; other moms I knew felt they needed to wear hats for up to a month afterwards
    (6) This is delicate–yes, breastfeeding isn't automatic; some babies can't/won't *latch on*; lactation consultants will tell you that EVERY baby can, but it also depends on the size and shape of the mom's nipples, not just the strength of the baby's suckle instinct; if you think you might have a problem and you really *want* to breastfeed, arrange for a lactation consultant before you give birth and make sure she visits you as soon as possible after the baby is born–the same day would not be too soon
    (7) Again, not necessarily–see #4 above regarding post partum, and also it will have quite a bit to do with how he handles the entire birth event himself; as much as I hate my ex-husband now, he made me laugh through most of it and he actually was comforting to me when he wasn't annoying the shit out of me by trying to get in my face (and vagina!) with the camera
    (8) Yes!–a preview of what you'll be going through in menopause; your hormones will be trying to rapidly get back to normal and in the process, your system is a bit out of whack, so get ready for hot flashes
    (9) Yes, but this is remedied by (a) expressing your milk on a regular schedule every 2 to 2.5 hours; or (b) suppressing your milk production by "binding" your breasts–with 2 babies, I've done both, and this is another area where a qualified lactation consultant can be a God-send for your sanity
    (10) Unfortunately, yes–not as bad if you have a C-section, but after a vaginal, it can be painful enough TO BEGIN WITH that it will seem like you're tearing something or something is horribly wrong; everybody's gotta poop, so you've just got to face your fear and do it; if you're really concerned, for heaven's sake, call your doctor!

    Cheers all you new baby mamas-to-be!


  • Does it make me crazy that I've never had kids, and after reading this post and all 9 pages of comments, I'm still JUST as excited to have a baby as I was before I read this post? All of this sounds awful, but…gosh I want a baby 🙂

  • Hilarious… and SO true!! Thank you for making me laugh. This was perfect. Now I'm off to share it with all my friends that just had babies or are about to. I know they will love it as much as I did!

  • Back pain. With my first she came out facing the wrong way and bent my tailbone. I had horrible back spasms for a few months afterwards. The kind you just stop, grab your low back and cry.

  • I am 20 years old and I decided a long time ago that I did not want children. My mother told me some of the horror but HOLY COW she didn't have or mention half of this stuff! They REALLY need to teach this in sex-ed in schools because this just scared me so bad I almost wanted to cry and I'm not even in grade school anymore so I'm sure it would scare people into having less teen pregnancies. So thanks for reminding me and showing me more why I never want children!!! So not worth it to me. Period. Gosh I just don't understand why you never hear about these things! I mean I'm 20 and I never knew post delivery was for horrific and horror-show like. I feel like getting my tubes tied now, how scary. Also I noticed in many comments how often the ladies let their husbands get out of doing anything. Seriously? you just had all of THAT happen to you and you let him sleep through the night? HA. That would never happen with me! It's his kid too, I would MAKE him get up if I was a monster slug human living in terror of simply going to the bathroom etc. Anyway, thanks again for reminding me why I don't want to ever have kids! Life is too short for that craziness!

  • Yeah don't forget hemerroids….. Not only do those lovely buggers make that first BM a scary moment but they also mean when the doctor/nurse comes around they'll spend even extra time admiring your private parts. Mine were sooooo exceptional, they invited interns in off the street to take a look :-))

  • I could not have said it better myself! The only thing I would add is to check your vajayjay before you leave the hospital. After my first baby I was messed up "down there"
    and they put a bunch of gauze to help. I was so out of it I had no idea and ended up with it there for 4 days, each day panicking worse because I smelled so bad and everything felt hard. I was too scared to look but finally figured it out. Nasty!
    Do your best to say over and over it gets better because eventually it will.

  • No one told me about stepping out of the warm shower and milk suddenly shooting from your boobs as if they were possessed. I was shocked and quickly stuck a finger into each "spout" like one would do the proverbial leaking dam. After I closed my mouth from witnessing that, I had to simply start laughing-hard. And, of course, there is no one there to have witnessed that, so I laughed alone…but it is still in my mind as if it were yesterday.

  • Yikes! I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my first child and actually very sad I stumbled upon this.

    Okay, maybe not sad since now I know what I can look forward to, but horrified. I've always been very nervous/scared about giving birth. I didn't know that there were so many things post delivery that would give me the same feelings.

    I keep telling myself "You're not the first women in the history of the world to give birth. It can be done" But reading this just gave me a new found higher respect for all moms.

    Hopefully I'll be one of the lucky ones that doesn't have any of these issues. Hey, it could happen. Right???

  • I had a lovely case of hemorrhoids after my second daughter and the doctor was kind enough to put a stitch right through one. And then the stitch popped. Everytime I peed it was like pouring salt (or in this case ammonia) in an open wound. Literally! Didn't take long to find out that if the pee didn't hit it, it didn't hurt. So I peed while laying in the bathtub for 3 friggin' days straight. Disgusting? Heck yes. Did I care? Shit no! If you're a mother you know how easy (haha) it is to get a quiet moment just to use the bathroom…imagine knowing you had to make time to shower everytime! LOL

  • I have a friend who was back to her concave-stomached pseudo-anorexic self just a few days after her (2nd!) healthy 8+ lb baby was born… She's a nice person, but some days my jealousy gets the better of me and I have to stifle the urge to wrap my hands around her twig-like neck and strangle her to death.

  • I remember developing a horrid brown line down my huge stomach (from the belly button which I lost during pregnancy and it never came back to normal)…didn't even see it until after I delivered. No one told me about a dark line? I went o prenatal classes with my first pregnancy and they never warned me of clots, so after I delivered and peed for the first time I had a clot so big it covered my massive pad, so buzzed the nurse and told her I think I lost my liver or some other organ 🙁

  • I have six wonderful children that were all single pregnancies. I love them all and would gladly go through all the pain again to bring them into the world. I wanted to add that the hardest thing for me was the sleep deprivation after my first child was born. I had most of the problems on your list, but the lack of sleep with no "light at the end of the tunnel" feeling was the worst! The lack of sleep is a problem with each new arrival, but the first time, I was pretty sure I was going to die! After the first, you know that you will get to sleep again…some day!!! To anyone expecting your first, really do sleep when the baby does and DON"T entertain family…let grandparents, aunts, etc. bond with the baby alone and you sleep! I know we all think we are the only one that can care for the new baby, but they can handle it and it makes them feel useful to sit and hold the baby while you sleep! My Mom was great at this, but I often found myself doing other things…laundry, showers, etc. Don't do anything, but SLEEP!!! And I don't mean for you to do this the first couple of weeks….do this for at least the first several months! Let's be honest, your family came to see the little one and once you have answered the basic questions ("how are you?", "is she/he sleeping for you?", "how is the nursing going?"), your family member will have finished their conversation with you and the rest of the conversation will be "baby talk" . This is when you stretch out on the couch or slip off to your bed for a quick nap! I know some people won't approve of this, but I am not saying never visit with family, just don't be afraid to ask for help. We are all guilty of putting on our smiles and not admittling we are suffering and need the help of our loved ones.

  • Rectal Rockets. Google it. They are the most amazing thing for hemorrohoids EVER. My OB prescribed them for me and having had the nasty things for years, thought I knew it all for treatment…. but not so. These are made at compounding pharmacies only and cost me out of pocket $36 for 3, but 3 is all I needed to cure a really bad case (with severe bleeding that resulted in significant anemia that had to have other treatment) while pregnant with this baby. Fear not the rhoids ladies! Just find a way to get a hold of the rockets. They're basically the same thing as the Prep H suppositories (but bigger and scarier) but stay in place better and work better… totally safe for pregnancy and nursing.

    The other thing… during pregnancy, I can't tollerate oral iron or calcium… any use of it in vitamins results in ER level constipation. My OB also sent me in for IV iron infusions (once my iron level got low enough for insurance to pay for it) and oh my. The best thing for anemia ever.

    My biggest fear after this baby (#2) is the post C-section poop. With my first I thought I was going to DIE. My new OB is pretty good and respects my guts issues, so I'm hoping that she comes up with a magical answer to the problem. But, I'm bringing my own Milk of Magnesia with me just in case not…

  • Amen about the sleeping husband. And, I still had incredibly vivid dreams, though sleep deprived. When our baby was about a month old, I dreamed that I was pregnant again. I was mad at my husband for a week. He, of course, had no idea why I was mad. Poor guy. I am so glad I kept him around!

    They also tell you to come to the hospital when your contractions are 5 minutes apart. When my water broke, my contractions started at 4 minutes apart. And, if your labor progresses quickly, you can shoot right past your epidural window. Ha, ha… no drugs for you!

    The lactation consultants can scare you to death too. Breastfeeding is difficult, especially the first time. Listen to their advice but you'll have to discover what works best for you and your baby.

  • I can give you a new one. I got PUPP while I was preggers with my son and it took 11, that's right 11 different doctors to finally figure out it was PUPP(http://dermatology.about.com/cs/pregnancy/a/puppp.htm) I was basically allergic to my own son! Found out later that 70% of women who have boys go through this. I was a itching mess. It was all over my legs, arms, stomach and creeping to my back. Since they didn't know what it was at first I was put on many meds so my son couldn't breastfeed and I had to pump with a hand pump(hardest thing to do in the world). Finally got a battery operated one but by the time they figured out what was going on my milk refused to come in and my son refused to breastfeed. Needless to say I was pissed at my doctors. You'd think an OB would know these type of things. Oh and the hemorrhoids that you get, don't about you but I STILL have them. I take a fiber supplement everyday. Good luck mommas!

  • A-FREAKING-MEN! It's so great to find someone who is not only real, but not afraid to be funny about all the shit that pregnancy throws your way with all the horrors no one wants to tell you (or only tell you to scare the living fuck out of you!)
    My first pregnancy was an absolute nightmare wrought with complications and they STILL never tell you HALF this shit! I had an emergency C-Section, which was traumatizing enough, but later that morning I passed a monster sized clot having no freaking idea what it was. I basically hobbled back to my bed, called the nurse and was like "well, there that is. Have fun." I took me months to get my plumping right, and since my daughter was in the NICU for a month and simply too little too breast feed, I spent a good deal of my hospital visitation time, not to mention time at home, strapped to a god-damn breast pump. Needless to say, I kind of dried up quickly, and when had to switch to formula (even though it was expensive as hell!) I could not have been more relieved, and you know what, my daughter is FANTASTIC now at almost 2. I'm on my second (and last!) pregnancy now, looking down the same road I had with the first, and let me tell you I am a hell of a lot more prepared!

  • My nurse told me to use Tuck's pads lined up on a pad and Dermoplast pain relief spray for my tear after my first delivery. That was the only thing that made it bearable. Even the medication foam stuff didn't help.

  • This is by far the FUNNIEST thing I have EVER read! I shared it with my friend who's husband is an OB. She still may be crying. I believe her comment was as to how professional it would be to share this on his 'professional page' on facebook….

  • did you mention that your previously nearly perfect body would then look like you got attacked by a bear with large claws and lost? THE STRETCH MARKS ARE AWFUL!!!!! WHY don't those glowing young moms TELL you that? it looks like your stomach is gonna RIP open? and NOTHING is spared— boobs, thighs, arms, and STOMACH. i look like a stretched out, anemic, dough girl. the anemia just accentuates them. dear me.

  • Effing hell. Tis is horrific and very yucky. Though I thought I would have children, I never want this to be my reality.

  • I read a humorous pregnancy book whilst pregnant with my first. Very similiar to this blog- so if you like this take a read of Best friends guide to pregnancy. Equally maybe the author of this should take the time to put her experiences in a book- there's nothing more reassuring than knowing you're not the only one to go through these 'pregnancy secrets'!

  • I just happened to stumble across your blog via pinterest and all i have to say is praise god for you. Thank you for not candy coating pregnancy with rainbows and butterflies. Your blog made me laugh so hard!

  • The biggest one I learned after my first kiddo: take your boppy pillow to the hospital with you. yeah, it's kind of useful while breastfeeding, but the real reason is that you can sit on it in the car on the way home. (or you could splurge and get an actual hemorrhoid doughnut) I actually bought an extra boppy for my second kiddo so that I could sit on one while breastfeeding with the other for the first little bit. now one lives downstairs and the other upstairs, so it's still useful after recovery. 🙂

  • i have had two kids and this is all true. I will say though, that the best thing for me to avoid the blues is actually putting myself together a little during the day. Fix the hair, put on that favorite maternity top (because you sure as heck aren't getting into any of your regular clothes) and even throw on a bit of mascara or something. Then focus totally on loving your new little person.

  • BEST. Blog post I have EVER. READ!!!!! You are awesome, you amazing wordsmith, you! I love it and my "baby" is 22 years old!

  • My hair has only just started to grow back and my LO is nearly 2! We had the thrush problems too, worse pain I've ever felt, including childbirth!

  • I've been told cabbage dries up the milk…just an fyi.
    BUT also…Appendix! At 10 weeks prego I had horrible pains in my lower abdomen, I thought it was Round Ligament Pain until I went to see my Dr. after my mom told me Round Ligament didn't make a girl cry while rolling in the floor. Anyway->I ended up going into emergency surgery to have my Appendix removed! Thankfully my baby made it and they got it out before it burst….this unfortunately isn't always the case. PLEASE anytime you have pains or think something is wrong be persistent!! Best wishes ladies! Also, if you feel "weird" after birth…go to the ER! I was "post-ecclamptic" after they pumped 4 bags of antibiotics into me bc I had Strep B (my bp was 180/120!!). Make sure you drink TONS of water and that you are peeing a lot! I had to get lasics (sp?) and lost 20lbs in 2 days. I had to stay back at L&D for 3 more days. Take care ladies, best wishes!!

  • Yes, getting over the pregnancy stage is a relief but there's more to motherhood after. They don't tell you all the grueling long term problems you'll encounter because one, it will scare you, and two, they're inevitable. But of course, all pays off because nothing can compare to the wonders of a child's smile and laughter.

  • ALL SO TRUE!! I loved reading this. Wish I´d read it while I was pregnant. But, I probably would not have believed it or taken it in. I´m going to send the links to few other new mums so they can have a laugh too.

  • Wow, I am a single 23 year old. I am amazed that I come from a big family and never heard any of this. Will definitely bookmark this page for when this is in my future. Thank you for posting. My grandmothers must have been insane: one had 5 children and the other had 7. The one with 7 had all individual births and all of them were in less than a 10 year span. I can't imagine. Happy mother's day to all of you.

  • Mesh underwear….didn't even know it existed. Although no gouging elastic into the C incision. Vertigo! Dizziness from all the hormones.

  • Wow. This was so funny! I gave birth four times and can relate to most of the comments. For any ladies reading this, especially the younger folks, this is good, reality sex/preg education. TV does no justice to the truths that people really face when pregnant, labor, childbirth and post partum. If you are selfish now, you most certainly wont be after. That little child will be demanding your attention and you WILL have to give it. So if you're not ready, cross your legs and just say no!
    My mom tip: say no. Say no to visiters-you don't need to be entertaining them. Say no to running around a lot and doing chores. Say no, until you are ready to say yes. The better you take care of yourself while your baby is little the better off. Do those kegals. Another thing that is hardly ever mentioned and most scary of all is uterine prolapse. This can happen at ANY age…Do your kegals! Learn to 'fire breath'. Prep some meals up a month before delivery. Stock up on everything you might possibly need especially if you are on your own or don't have relatives around or if your hubby/partner works a lot. Get/be practical. Instead of a 'few' fancy baby things for a baby shower, second hand baby clothes and clothe diapers, blankets, sheets and what not come in handy when you can't get the laundry done. And focus on giving Mom what she needs: all the stuff listed by the other women, plus some 'pretty' things to make her feel womanly (pretty lounge clothes, robes, home manicure, FOOT RUB!!, if your a friend come over one day and do all the chores-it will help her to chill out better than a glass of wine!). If breastfeeding becomes too bothersome, bottle feed. I know breast is best, but sometimes it isn't all the way around! If you cannot handle really bad cramps now, get that epidural! And do it guilt free!

  • This was awesome. I laughed so hard when I read this because I just had my second child in January so these are all still fresh in my mind. LOL Thankfully I didn't have it too bad with most of the stuff, but I did have horrible afterbirth cramps. I also have a blood disorder where my blood clots very easy, so my doctor had me up and walking around within hours of giving birth because she didn't want me to get a blood clot. I spent the whole evening (gave birth mid-afternoon), and the entire next day walking around for a half hour and then doubled over in pain (actually had to take pain meds) in the bed for a while because of the cramps. Yep… that was fun. Thankfully the doctor gave the okay for me to take as many whirlpool baths (each maternity room in the hospital had one) as I wanted. I informed my husband that we WILL be getting a whirlpool bath at home… sadly, we haven't 🙁

  • The smell that goes along with the post baby period. *gag* I always tell EVERYONE to go and buy the overnight Always pads and bring them to the hospital. Oh, and just buy some cheap giant underpants and deal.

  • That is all SPOT ON. But don't forget about hemorrhoids (for me, the size of a baseball- with both kids!), cracked & bleeding nipples, and the cramping. Oh the cramping. I remember watching my husband sleep & thinking, "You mean he doesn't have to experience pain over practically every area of his body PLUS he gets to sleep? So not fair." Totally made me want to kill & punch him, in no particular order.

  • I have to agree with a commenter above that pointed out the horrible afterbirth cramps you get usually after you second child. I did not experience this with my first baby but after my second baby, every time that I would breasted her in the hospital my uterus hurt so bad it was like labor all over again with no epidural this time!!! Awesome tip about the person that said they put ice in the nb diaper for the vag. Will definitely keep that in mind if there is ever a baby #3!

  • LOVE IT. I experienced all of these, so thank you for making me feel "normal." Also, I will never forgive my sisters, whom both had children before me, for not explaining what getting your uterus checked to see if it's dilated meant. Fist in your vagina, that's what it means.

  • Matt…. I can tell just by your attitude that maybe if your gf doesn't want to have kids that maybe it has something to do with you…. just an observation.. not all pregnancies are easy breasy, and if all this scares her, well then… maybe being a parent is not for her. If she (or YOU!!!!!)can't handle the changes and all that comes naturally to a womans body by bringing a beautiful baby in to this world then maybe you should adopt.There are lots of women out there that go through it all just to loose their child or can't conceive at all. This is not to scare her it is to let her know that these things do happen and it is all natural..

  • How about all of you shut the hell up and quit bitching. My gf gets in here and doesn't want to have kids now because off all the crying you're doing. You have a child, be happy and get back in the kitchen instead of posting bs!!!!!

  • I have been laughing hysterically at this post, and at all the comments after it! I had all these things with all 3 kids. My sister is an OB nurse and did NOT give me a heads up on this stuff either (shame on her). I sure wish someone had. Also, though this post is for after delivery warning, I wish someone had told me before my first vaginal delivery that it is possible to accidentally poop when you are trying to push out the baby. TOTALLY MORTIFYING! Good luck to all. My kids are all teens or near teens now so I am having all new sets of problems. Yippee….

  • During the long nights after my son was born while I was tending the the baby I would often look over at my husband who was snoring and tooting and think "wake up you bastard!". Lucky for him he was great during the daylight hours.

  • I totally found this website by accident and I am so glad I did! You'd think that between my mom, older sisters and huge extended family that someone would have mentioned a little tid bit of this information. Especially when everyone keeps urging my husband and I to "have kids already". Yikes! This scares the crap outta me I want kids but dang Oh Em Gee this is a lot to handle. I thought it would be like when my cat had kittens – I never saw her crying uncontrollably, leaking nipples, peeing on herself, having trouble with BM, or hemorrhoids. This sheds a whole new light!! Congrats to all of you who have suffered through it and thanks for sharing the honest/realistic version of pregnancy and childbirth.

  • …and thunderpads will cost you the tune of $80 a piece, of which only 10% will be covered by insurance. unless you have twins, in which case only 5%, don't ask me why. but that's what I was told. you won't see any of these costs until it's waaay too late to return them, and you'll be too exhausted (especially if your kids are now 3mo, 3mo, and 14mo) to care. put a relative on bill duty to look out for this crap.

  • I was raised with three sisters… Neither my mother, nor any of my sisters ever mentioned any of this… I guess it was "lady stuff" only intended to be know by the ladies… Although these little details may SEEM embarrasing, they are important for a husband, or any male family member to understand…
    I am a husband and a father of three girls; yes I've been blessed, and I never knew any of this from my wife, except that she didn't appreciate that I could sleep through an apocalypse… I DID the getting up and retrieving the baby for freeding, and the occasional groggy diaper change, and the bottle warming, and the whatever needed to be done at the time… although after 20 years since the last one I don't remember any of it… I sincerely appreciate the reminder, as it is a rite of passage for bith husband and wife; we did this together!!
    Now, I have just become a grandfather, and this information brings everything full circle in a good way… It helps me know what to look for, and brings back memories of what was so endearing about my wife and raising a family…
    You GO through all of this because you LOVE someone SO much… Raising a family, and going through all of this is worth it, even if it seems painful at the moment…
    Blessings to all of you ladies, and know that you are not alone!

  • Oh my f**king god. I am 16 weeks pregnant and am absolutely petrified and scarred after reading this article lol. What the hell have I gotten myself into? I swear I'm going to need anxiety medicine immediately following birth.

  • I'm a doula, and I do this little trick for clients. Get kotex pads, fill them with water (Big, thick, super-absorption ones!!) and stick them in the freezer-put wax paper between them so you don't have a clump of frozen maxi pads in your freezer. Do this before the baby is born-you will come home to the perfect shaped, disposable ice packs for down there!!

  • This article rocks! I had the shakes so badly after all three of mine that I was unable to hold my baby! So much for the movies. I knew I was supposed to be holding my baby, but I couldn't (don't worry–we bonded no problem!) Especially after number three. The nurses were piling heated blankets on me and I just kept shaking! Pushing the placenta out is something I wasn't prepared for the first time, and getting sewn up: my goal was to get the baby out. After that I remembered that I wasn't finished until I was sewn up. I had no episiotimies, but number two came so fast that she ripped me from vag well up into my … ahem, you know. That first bowel movement (don't leave the hospital until you have it), take something relaxing to read, breathe, try to relax through it. You can do it!

  • Oh yeah, the after pains. Ouch.

    For the rock boobs you can put a cabbage leaf in your bra and it will reduce your milk. Don't do it too much, or you could end up with supply issues, it is THAT effective.

    I wouldn't say that baby blues and PPD are the same thing. I got weepy and cried Niagra Falls tears on day three. I couldn't help it, the hormone shift from pregnancy to nursing/non-pregnant was huge. But then a few days later, I was fine. PPD is a whole nother animal.

    Daddies go through a different kind of adjustment after baby is born. It might be good to talk to him about some expectations, anticipated needs, and the role of other people postpartum (like YOUR MOTHER) before the baby comes. He will probably feel useless, like a third wheel, and be pressured to go back to work ASAP. Paternity leave is not big in this country. I think moms get the precedence PP. They need all the TLC, white glove treatment, and allowed to cry etc., but dads shouldn't be swept under the rug either.

    With my most recent natural birth, I had the experience of feeling like my insides had been totally scrambled and like every time I stood up, they would come pouring out of me, not down, but forward. It was such an odd feeling, probably due to my not overly strong, super stretched abdominal muscles. I walked all hunched over for a day or so.

    I also remember with my first, a wide-eyed feeling of "I am a mother. I can't go to sleep. This baby is my responsibility 24/7." It took a bit to get over that and actually sleep as much as possible.

    Great article. I love your sense of humor!

  • I have another great tip! Those icepads they give you for crotch at the hospital…..take as many as you can. Use one, hide the rest, ask for more, repeat. That way you will have a pretty good stash when you go home. Also bad idea getting a nice new pair of p.j's to wear in the hospital. Chances are when you go to sleep you will find them stained with your own personal diaper horror.

    Happy birthing 😉


  • Sweet baby jeebus (who I'm sure was scrawny and bloody upon arrival), that is some good stuff!!

    Huge flying dittos on #3: one week after son #1, I burst into tears at the grocery store when I saw Pamela Anderson on a magazine cover. She was holding her new baby, who was born the same day as mine. She had on some Baywatch lookin' shit – shorty shorts, a tanktop – I blocked out the details. I was standing there in maternity shorts, leaking 15 different bodily fluids, and she was all flat* and showered with a f#cking giant pacifier in her mouth.

    I have an abnormal hatred of her to this day.

    * clarification: her STOMACH was flat.

  • OMG! I loved this so much, and it's funny how you forget in between kids. I went through all these and more. Thank god for good friends, moms and mother in laws. Also, the resentment toward hubby comes and goes through the years… 🙂

  • Also random boob leakage! Some other baby crying at the mall and *floosh* your shirt is soaked. Some ladies can get away with the little round pads in their bra- me, every time I nursed, I had the baby on one side, and a super-sized fast food cup wedged under the other. And the idea of someone touching those boobs? Ugh! Even if they aren't hurting, you have this little person attached to them every 2 hours, they want their alone time!
    Standing in a hotish shower with the water pouring on them when they are full feels good. Oddly enough, so does chilled cabbage leaves o.O

  • Kegels! I echo the comments on Kegels…do them! If you don't know how…when you are peeing trying starting and stopping the stream as much as possible…that's a kegel! I also had the "pleasant" experience of not being able to control my bladder for a few days. It was like "hey, I think I have to pee…oh, wait, I'm peeing right now on the floor!"
    The shakes. Sometimes right after you give birth because there are so many hormones, drugs, etc rushing through your body and you have obviously just had a majorly taxing experience, you get the shakes. And I don't mean you felt a little chilly and you were shivering a bit. I mean, I was in almost full on uncontrollable convulsions! It only lasted about 30 minutes and it didn't hurt, but it was kinda scary and definitely annoying…especially since my entire family was crowded around the baby in her crib and here I was laying in the bed having my own personal earthquake!

  • Episiotomy.. Has anyone ever googled that and seen what they do to you?? Lord have mercy I just made the mistake of doing that..

    Reading the comments just made me remember trying to have sex after an episiotomy, it was almost a year before I could have sex without feeling like it was being ripped open again..

    Warning though.. Never ever ever peek to see what it looks like down there for at least the first couple of months, or you will never let your hubby see it again..

  • Oh please lets not forget right after you give birth, the nurse escorts you to the bathroom and supervises you while you uncontrollably pass gas (which ive never done in front of ANYONE before).. Only to call her in an hour later because I sneezed on the way to the bathroom and plopped a huge blood clot that looked like ET onto the floor and then watch her dig through it and rip it apart in her fingers looking for who knows what?!?!?!?

    I remember my vaj was so sore that I was afraid something was wrong so I used a mirror to take a look.. UGHHHHH I swear that thing looked like it was able to talk to me.. So so SOOOO tramatizing

    Modesty?? Whats that??

  • one thing i didn't know until having my daughter is uterine prolapse. yep, pretty much your baby crockpot comes out of your body like when you grab your sock by the top and pull it inside out off your foot. they don't tell you an epidural will do absolutely nothing for that pain or that you'll need a 4th degree episiotomy so your doctor can be elbow deep shoving it back in.

  • *AWESOME* post. Every word is so 1000% true. I would add one more thing that squashes the "movie version" – after my first daugther was born (and believe me it was a HARD labor) I was besides myself when labor was f'ing continuining! The rest of the goo/placenta had to come out. I dont know if they even gave me enough pain killing drugs or not but it was full blown labor and I was crying throughout the stiching, it was horribly uncomfortable (I dont like overusing "pain" – thats a pretty big word). I kept covering up my crotch with my hands as in "leave me alone fuckers!!!!" and the head nurse actually YELLED at me to take my hands away. I was so focused on this continuing trauma that I barely looked at my poor kid who was equally screeching on the table being cleaned up by a (what seemed like) a platoon of overly good looking males (nurses and whatnot). (I know, that part is just fucking weird). Blah. Finally everything calmed down and when i FINALLY got a room I was able to look at my poor little baby and her little shmushed Smurfette face and I said to myself, this poor baby went thru hell just like me. And the bond was formed!

    As for pooing: okay, here is a relatively good tip (or tips). Drinks lots of water (NOT soda – caffienated drinks will constipate you), get over the counter stool softeners, those little honies are BEAUTIFUL THINGS. When you need to take that first dump, shift one thigh gently off the toilet seat. I know sounds complex but it will take the stress off the stiched-out area. With my first pooing was definitely monumetal. the good news is that with further babies it seems to be getting better (of course, dont wait 10 years between kids).

  • My #2 child was born 10 years ago and to this day I can never forget that pregnancy.. starting off as soon as I realized I could be preg (2-3 weeks into).. I had morning sickness to the point I was taking 6 diclectin a day. at 3 months I had severe pain , it took 4 months before they discovered I had kidney stones in both kidneys (7 in left & 12 in right)..but yet even after all that I was still sick.. I lost 17lbs during the preg and 2 days before I had her you could not tell I was preg at all.. after I had her in total my body had lost 26 lbs to which I had NO CLOTHES that fit.. the jammie pants I had could not stay up..1st trip out just leaving the hospital I had to do some clothes shopping, was not in mood at all but had no choice..but must say it was a nice feeling not to have to worry about loosing the baby fat ..

  • Add me to the "brings back memories" crowd. My son was c-section – two weeks late, and a full day of pitocin with no dilation on my part meant they had to go in and get him. I remember gazing at my soggy, saggy tummy in dismay. I remember the time in the hospital when I wasn't prompt with the pain meds and ended up whimpering on the floor in the fetal position. I remember Rock Boobs, and the lactation consultant who touched my breasts without asking. My son and I got thrush, too, so he was on a bottle while it cleared up, and then refused to go back, so I pumped for two and a half months. He was such a chow hound that my entire life was pumping or feeding him or sleeping. After that we went to formula, and he chugged through 13 cans a month. I also remember one morning when my son woke me up after just a couple of hours, and I threw a tantrum right there on my bed.

    Oh, goodness, the first poop. The nurses didn't give me any stool softeners at all for the four days I was in the hospital and regularly taking Percocet. The upshot of this was, one week after leaving the hospital I was back, giving birth again. They gave me the strongest enema they had, let it sit for half an hour, and all it did was sort of lube the poo.

    Oh, and getting the staples out of my incision was AWFUL.

    My son is now five, though, and having him run up to me and say, "Mommy, I love you a billion zillion billion," is totally worth it. 🙂

  • no one warns you of the poo afterwards.
    no not the baby's poo yours.
    it hurts as much if not more then birthing the baby itself.
    and there isn't a team to cheer you on and offer you drugs for this one.

    although I would have gladly accepted an epidural for this.
    all you have is the new born screaming for food in the other room to remind you its taking a long time.

    oh the stitch ripping fun it is.
    colace is a god send.

  • One thing I learnt is take a thick pad soak it with water and freeze it. Wrap it in an old facecloth (that can be thrown out) and waddle around pain free!!

    And p.s. if its ur 2nd kid be prepared to wake up feeling good about yourself to have your amazing child look at you and say mommy you still fat. Just remember its cute and you don't need to choke them! Hahaha

  • Hi, wandered over from Mayim Bialik's twitter about you. I have 3 kids, ages 20, 17 and 13. Your top 10 is brilliant and right on the money!!

  • I read this after talking to my sister about why i was glad and proud that she gave my parents the grandchildren since I was not going to, and after reading this I am 200% sure I am NOT going to ever. But also after reading this I am going to give her the biggest gift of Godiva chocolate, the best wine I can find and up my babysitting offers to thank her yet again for going through all this!

  • Crotch Care:
    If you can or want to: Sans panties, underpad ("waterproof moisture barrier") to protect your linens, fan sending breeze to your yoo-ha.
    Sit gyn-exam-style in bed on the underpad with the fan on helps the stitches stay dry and hopefully everything that just tore apart from front hole to the back hole will recover quickly (infection-free).

  • Thank you!!! It's been 6 years since my first; and you just brought it all home for me. Like hitting a brick wall!

    Frozen cabbage leaves are a GOD SENT!!! They saved my life. I almost kissed the midwife when she came in and shoved them in my bra. I went from a C to an F overnight…oh the pain!

  • I loved this post. And then laughed through the comments. It doesn't seem to matter how horrible it was for any of us, we wouldn't have takin it back in one second. I hope all of those women who say they are never having kids because of this knowledge think of that, too.
    I had to to have a c-section with my first and no body mentioned how horrible that first poo was going to be. I wouldn't have had a greasy Club sandwich as my first meal! With even more constipating food afterwards. It was so painful, I couldn't push even if I had wanted to – I felt like my innards were going to come right back out of my abdomen. My Mother in Law mentioned an enema and I was saying, "it'll work?" at the same time thinking, "How?! Who?! No way!!" But, after a day at home being totally swollen and the pain of constipation combined with the pain of being flayed open on a table while they push and pull a human out of you, I decided I didn't care. My husband, oh my wonderful husband, if I ever questioned it before I do no more. He gave me an enema – TWICE. I cannot explain the relief. I'll have him do it again, too. The day we get back from the hospital. I'm also only eating fruit and vegetables and beans until I am pooping on my own without so much pain. I'm 7 months pregnant with my second girl and am so glad to know what to expect this time. Also, nursing – so so hard for me. The things I now know that I will do differently this time is pump from the get go to help get my milk supply in. I didn't make enough for my 3 week premature baby. She wasn't strong enough to suck fully and so my body was all confused. I also will supplement with formula without feeling bad about it because I'd rather she be full than constantly hungry. It's sad the things I didn't understand. All of these comments are great, too at helping those who haven't been there before.
    And my bleeding wasn't too bad. A really really, heavy clotty period that lasted for about 2 weeks heavy, then tapered off for the next 2 weeks. My doc really vacuumed me out. So grateful for that.

  • Yes!! I remember the knife-like cramps as your uterus shrinks, but noone has seemed to mention that it generally takes place as your baby latches on (if you are nursing) . . . I recommend not screaming just the same 'cuz if you do your baby will NEVER go to sleep . . . for a week!

  • How about bruised ribs? No one ever mentioned that one to me (along with most of the other things on this page) they load you up with meds before and pills after a c section and you really think you're good. You get home and gently roll onto the couch and resume mother mode, all the time taking the crap load of meds you're given. But then they run out and wear off! All of a sudden you feel like a Mac truck hit you. You can't cough or laugh or breath. Don't even consider laying on your side! I went to the er when my ob nurse said it could be nothing but it could also be very very bad, sat in a waiting room with people sneezing and crying because their stomach hurt thinking I just gave birth and I'm not curled up blubbering, worried bc I had to leave my brand new daughter with my mother who will forget to feed a bird that is glaring two feet away. Four hours later, after excruciating tests where you get to hear "they didn't give you any pain meds! " they say they can't find anything. But atleast all that pushing on the abdomen finally made you go after not having gone in over a week. Not fun!

  • My labor was 32 hours. No sleep. Nothing to eat (as if food was even a thought at the time). I used the father of my child and my best friend to massage my lower back through my contractions… Had I been my normal, polite self, I would have thanked them for working their fingers into complete immobile numbness on my behalf… I hadn't showered, or washed my hair though I was using hot Jacuzzi baths as the other part of my pain management, and as a result my hair was frizzy and gross. A huge north star-size pimple popped up on my right cheek (I know this because of photos taken), I wore no make-up and boy did it show… Seeing photos of women in the hospital beds holding their babies and looking beautiful, piss me off. I looked like hell. A sweaty, frizzy-haired, pimple-faced troll. Thanks for posting this, I love reading about realities no one likes to talk about. 🙂

    My daughter, Mila is 2 now and the most awesome thing ever. Totally worth looking like a toadstool for a day and a half.

  • Can I just say that this post made me laugh out loud nearly waking my peacefully sleeping husband and not so peacefully sleeping 2 week old. I have had 4 kids in four years and I can attest that these are all awesomely truthful. thank you for putting it out there and sharing that i'm not the only one!! 🙂 They're all totally worth it though.

  • OMG! so funny and TRUE! For me the worst part is being so tired you can't keep your eyes open but at night you just toss and turn your huge ass from one side of the bed to the other. I would wake up at 3:05am every freaking night. Then take a bath and try to sleep again.And sure enough when my twins were born they would wake up at 3:05am for a feeding every freaking night until they were 6 weeks old. It's natures cruel joke because when the baby comes all you want to do is sleep and now you can't.

  • I loved reading this. I wrote up something like this 5 yrs ago after my first. I was the second to have a baby in my group of friends. The first mama didn't tell us squat, so I had to remedy that. LOL I loved every single one I read, but for some reason number 10 really stands out. I remember coming out of the bathroom crying and telling my husband I earned a pain pill so hand it over (he kept reminding me not to take them b/c they just make you constipated). O, the memories of all 4 births. Thank you so much. 🙂

  • One thing I wish I had been prepared for was the first time I stepped on a scale after I gave birth. I was so excited to see how much weight I had instantly lost only to find I still weighed as much, or more, as I did before. Talk about depressing!! Guess thats what happens when they pump you full of fluids during 16 hour of labor.

    Also, as someone else mentioned, breastfeeding DOES hurt. In my experience (and I have three kiddos), it takes a few days to kick in, but then there is a solid week or two of excruciating, toe curling pain every time they latch on. I'm talking bite your lip so you don't scream, make you cry kind of pain. Luckily it only lasts a second and does stop all together eventually, but ouch!!

  • Correction, your hair WILL fall out. If you ask your Dr. about this he'll explain that generally you lose 100 pieces a day. When you're pregnant, your body holds onto everything that it would normally get rid of to ensure your body has the necessary nutrients to care for your child in womb. As such, when you have that child and your body recognizes it's not necessary to hold onto it any longer, it sheds it. Therefore, you will lose many strands… even handfuls at times.

  • I wish I would've found this blog when I was pregnant. How honestly true! Because of all the stress of labor, 5 minutes post delivery when my husband and I were bonding with baby, I felt sudden nausea, tossed my son to my husband and proceeded to throw up all over the birthing room floor. I continued vomitting sporadically through the evening too! Not glamorous at all.

  • Didn't read all of the posts but anyone comment on bowel movements during labor???
    Or how you can't eat once you get to the hospital while in labor? And the weird smells during and after labor "down there".

  • So, I had to close my office door after laughing so hard. After two kids and one en route, this definitely sums it up succinctly. Thanks for the humor – and as another mom mentioned, kudos for mentioning the PPD. They warn you about it at the hospital, but you kindof forget and are afraid they're going to take your kid away if you mention that every time you picture your baby, you see blood! (Yes, I went through this. Utterly alone because I basically forgot about PPD and was afraid that if I told anybody my crazy thoughts, they'd take my daughter from me. Fortunately, it didn't last too long.)

  • OMG!!! My husband and I are actively trying to conceive and this post has almost made me reconsider! This sounds horrible! Why would anyone want to do this?? this sounds really bad but it must not be if women still have kids! My MIL has 10 and i dont know how she did it!!!

  • just stumbled upon this and about peed i was laughing/crying so hard (yeah still having that peeing when laughing issue). I'm 5 mo's postpartum and I wish I had read this before… but i can whole heartedly agree with it all now, and thanks for at least making me laugh about the horror of it all. Nice to know I'm not the whole one who hates beyonce and the likes, and had a horrific time recovering from birth.

  • Great post now that my baby is 10. I didn't experience all of the things listed, but the gallbladder trouble was crazy. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had my gallbladder removed before my son's first birthday.

    For the BM – my in-laws brought us fried chicken the first day home, plus enough for leftovers the next day. Eating the fried food made everything happen without thought and very little pain. What a blessing!

  • This was absolutely hilarious!! As a first-time-mother, I really appreciate your honesty and your sense of humor about it all. I'm 8 weeks away, and grateful that I stumbled upon this post. Also, my husband should thank you, I told him to read #7 to warn him of what may come! Thanks again!

  • After the birth of my second baby last year i was completely unprepared for the sudden and overwhelming boiling hotness that came over me on the ward. I suddenly started to sweat profusely and was red hot and the midwife said its the excess water coming out as everything settles down. The day after my legs and ankles took on elephantine proportions as again the dreaded water was trying to escape by hitting the lowest parts of my body, my feet looked like some sort of weird inflatable that could be hired out for kids parties. Bizarrely i was told to drink as much water as possible as it would help to flush me out so i lumbered about glugging litres of sparkling water and pissing like a racehorse until it had all gone…post birth new mother glow…bollocks i was a bloated, sweaty mess and THEN came the tears over anything everything………

  • This was so funny, and so true! Thank you for writing this, I have 4 older sisters and none of them ever mentioned any of this! Really like bleeding for 3 monthes slips your mind? I would like to add that I got so backed up with my 2nd that my husband had to rush me to the ER because I thought my Csection was gonna pop! They even wheeled me around on a gurney and took x- rays, all to find out it was constipation! My husband had the nerve to laugh even after the days of " I now hate you" looks! But then again, I wouldn't think twice about doing it again for another beautiful child!

  • I had to deal with 6 of these after my last pregnancy, but only 4 with my first. It gets worse I guess, which is why I'm not having any more! Good luck when your next pregnancy comes around, I hope it's easy and you recover quickly and only have to deal with 2 of these gain 😉

  • This is a great list. All the things I would have liked to have been told 10 years ago when my first child was due.

    I'd like, with your permission, to make some changes and use this in a prenatal class I teach for low income families (I'm sure my supervisor will want me to edit language as much as I like it myself because it makes the information approachable).

  • Don't forget about waking up in a puddle of breastmilk, that was my favorite! Soaking wet bed, soaking wet shirt, and sometimes, my undies would be wet too. Having to chance the sheets and do laundry after a c-section, sucks.

  • After a nine-month respite from menstruation, "Aunt Flo" is back with a vengeance. At first, the blood is bright red and heavy, and then it turns pinkish after the first few days. Unlike a normal period, the discharge continues for up to several weeks.

  • I am so thankful for this post!! I am 10 wks and feel so much more prepared now that I really know the TRUTH… DEAR LORD HELP US ALL!!!!

  • Thank you, thank you all for being so candidly honest and writing this article. NO ONE ever talks about this stuff. I am so grateful to everyone. This just totally justifies my position and makes me very happy and relieved that I did not have children. "Becoming A Parent" ounds like it starts off horrifically and goes downhill from there.

  • Oh wow, I agree on nurses on massaging your uterus. That HURTS!! I get why they do it, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to scream and rip off the nurses hands!

  • About that post-delivery contraction thing—don't the nurses come in and massage your uterus (from the outside, mind you) any more to contract your uterus? I know it's been a long time since I gave birth, but if they don't do it any more, I'm gonna be seriously pissed. If I had to go through it, EVERYONE should have to go through it. That was THE WORST PAIN EVER. Well, runner up to #1-11 above. Those nurses don't know how close they came to being smacked.

  • 11. Don't forget that special feeling that comes when your sweet, precious, teeny-tiny baby latches on to your over-nursed nipples resulting in excruciating pain and a bloodcurdling scream that, by holding your breath until you're a deep deep shade of blue, you're able to stifle while your brain silently screams: "WTH??? HOW CAN A BEING THIS SMALL AND SUPPOSEDLY INNOCENT CAUSE SO FREAKING MUCH PAIN?!? WHAT'S NEXT, A COMBO CRANIOTOMY / DRUGLESS AMPUTATION OF BOTH ARMS AND LEGS / BAMBOO UNDER EACH OF MY FINGER AND TOE NAILS?!?"

  • This is completely true, & sooo funny! I wish someone had informed me about passing clots! As soon as I got home with my baby, I passed a large one, & called the Dr, fearing I would have to rush back to the hospital!! Oh, & when you sneeze and cough, it will HURT for about 2-3weeks!!! And when you nurse, it causes your uterus to cramp (helps shrink it to normal), & makes you SLEEPY!

  • Witch Hazel pads… Ask for them at the hospital. They are technically for hemorrhoids, but they numb your crotch. Those and dermoplast spray are the only things that ever work
    For my patients (I am a labor and delivery nurse) and they got me through my own 3rd degree episiotomy (thank you very much for that)!!!

  • So glad I found this! I wish I would've read before my first. Everyone talks about how breastfeeding is so easy and natural. I tried desperately for 2 months and never got enough to sustain her. No one told me how much you have to work for it. I was so disappointed in that.
    I had a random post postpartum pain…in my knees!!! I would be in tears walking up and down the stairs because of my knees. I talked to a few other people who had this. I thought it would never go away.
    The swelling in the feet is unbearable. My skin was stretched so tight. My doctor estimated that I had 4lbs of waterweight on me. I think there was more. I was lucky I gave birth in June because flip flops were the only things that fit.
    Even though it all sucked, I have such baby fever now. I want another!!

  • Take stool softeners for the first few weeks to help with bowel movements and hemorrhoid discomfort. Start putting lanolin on your nipples a few days before you have the baby and get help with breastfeeding afterwards. Talk to other mommy friends often to help with emotions and husband-hating. Take pain meds for the cramps. Enjoy everyone's attention for your new baby and take lots of pictures of her.

  • Hormones change–EVERYTHING! When you do finally decide intimacy might be worth a try, you definitely don't want to be in the same predicament as you are currently in. Contraception is the key (but remember, abstinence is the BEST policy). That said, if you end up with a yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis and a urinary tract infection simultaneously that seems to come and go for two month and if that's not itchy enough for you, your girl bits are inflammed (whose wouldn't be) and swollen larger than an XL jock cup–you may just be newly allergic to sperm or spermicide. Oh yes, trust me, it's possible!

  • Yep! What accompanies thrush other than bleeding nipples? Mastitis–three times. Almost had to be hospitalized. But maybe they would have given me more of those fancy panties to hold my ginormous pad in the right place so I wouldn't have to change my clothes (and my sheets) every time I'd pee.

  • Thank you for posting this!! It's nice to hear people talk about it…for real. That in itself helped me with the hormonal roller coaster. Cutting the crap and talking about it. "Yes, I love my baby, yes I'm happy, but at this very moment, it sucks!!" And that's ok 🙂

  • I know a few people have called this post "birth control," but on a serious note, how does any fully informed woman ever decide to put herself through this? I've always been on the fence about having children. I never felt that burning desire that a lot of women feel to have a baby – and for women like me, it's often hard not to feel somehow lacking as a woman because of it – but as I approach my late twenties, I've been giving it more thought. I've never particularly liked children (I always feel like the Goddess of Womanhood is going to strike me down whenever I admit that), and my mother loves to tell me "it'll be different when they're yours." However, the more I read about pre/mid/post pregnancy, the more I think there is no way I would ever willingly do it. I'm terrified enough about having a baby, period, without all the rest of it. Maybe it's just fear that my eventual, 30 something, aching ovaries will overcome?

  • This was a hysterically funny read, especially since I am the mother of 5 children and have had every one of those post partum side-effects. I would add two:
    1.) You CAN get pregnant while breastfeeding. I know every know-it-all-male-ob-gyn's out there tell you that you can't but they're lying through their teeth. Ask my 3rd child, he wouldn't be here if that load of crap was true.
    2.) Your husband WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND or BE ABLE TO ADEQUATELY EMPATHIZE with what you've been through. Even the most loving, well-intentioned, sensitive man (I'm married to just such a man) will say something so stupid and annoying to you that you want to kick his ass. It's just not in their DNA to be able to get it. So don't feel like your husband is fundamentally flawed if he doesn't 'get it.' None of them do.

    Thanks again for the read, it was hysterical and made me more than a little happy that I'm done having babies! 🙂

  • Oh the horror – I remember it like it was yesterday (and not 4 and 7 years ago!). Nobody told me about the crushing, blurry, time-bending fatigue. I didn't think I could still be alive while being that tired. When I did get to sleep, it was dead-to-the-world kind of sleep like I have never experienced before or since. And the hunger. I didn't breast-feed for long, but in the early weeks of nursing I was more HUNGRY than I thought I could be and still be alive. After the middle-of-the-night feedings it was a toss-up between eeking out a little sleep and EATING. Eating won a lot of the time. And the shivers. Once the sweet little radiator is done sucking all the warmth out of you, you feel more cold than you think is possible while still being alive. I know you wrote this a while ago, but you spoke the truth, lady! It's not all rainbows and butterflies, that's for sure. I especially liked the sleeping husband – had to throw toys, rattles, bottles of lotion, etc. at my husband's snoring face one night when my baby boy performed the bodily fluids trifecta on the changing table: first he peed on the wall (OVER his head), then he spit up and while I was trying to turn him on his side to get it out of his mouth, he pooped everywhere. That was a night to remember. Thanks for the laughs and the many reminders why I take birth control even though my husband has already been snipped!! Taking no chances here…

  • Oh my. I'm crying with laughter. It's so sickly comforting to know I'm not alone, and that I'm not making this stuff up! The only other thing she doesn't mention is the strange gamut of emotions you will feel toward your firstborn. Intermittent nostalgia, loathing, adoration, beaming pride and boiling impatience. Fun times.

  • How about you may have had a horrificly bad birth experince that stopped you from walking for 3 months and the moment you mention it to anyone, including drs they pause and say, "but she is a beautiful baby, isn't she?" yes she is, but thats only very slightly related to what i've gone through people, now can we get to work fixing it or are you going to patronise me some more first?

  • oh my gosh, the worst was the swollen feet! I hadn't experienced them at all while pregnant, but they came at me with a vengeance afterwards! It hurt like the dickens for over a week; just trying to get up off the floor and putting pressure on the tops of my feet hurt! Plus, to add insult to injury, my husband teased me about having 'hobbit feet'. Rude

  • I didn't have all of these, but did have most.
    Here are my additions:
    After 20 hours of labor, I ended up needing a c-section. While I wasn't all mangled up down south, I was majorly swollen for days. I just filled ziploc bags with ice and tucked them in my pants.
    I don't know about less bleeding with the c-section… The first 3 times I got out of my hospital bed, I left a stream of blood all the way to the toilet. A big stream. I also had bleeding for 6 weeks afterwards, not heavy the whole time, but always there.
    My hospital gave me stool softeners, a lot of stool softeners, so no issues there.
    You know those mesh panties you wear in the hospital? Get as many as you can before you leave and take them home with you. This is for a few reasons- you don't have to ruin any of your own undies and- if you have a c-section you can stick a maxi pad on the front of them and have it resting across your incision so your clothes don't rub across your tummy.
    Also, c-sections take a long time to recover from. I couldn't get out of bed or off the couch for at least 2 weeks without help. I literally could not even come close to sitting up without my husband pulling me into a sitting position. Laughing, sneezing, coughing are also a no-no for like, 3 weeks. At about 2 weeks old, my little guy started pooping everywhere while my husband was changing his diaper and it got me laughing historically for some reason. It hurt so bad I ended up crumpled on the floor in pain. Once the diaper change was finished, I had to get picked up off the floor as I could not do it on my own.
    One more, sweating. During the days I was always a little sticky, but that was nothing compared to the night. I slept on towels for at least 3 weeks, because I would soak through the sheets incredibly fast. My husband washed all of our bedding every morning as soon as we got up. It is incredible how much a person can sweat. Who knew?!?

    Anyways, as painful and disgusting as some of this stuff can be, nothing takes away from how much you love that little baby. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

  • This is fantastic! My son will be 4 at the end of this month and I had a vague recollection of all of this, but reading this post brought all right back again….which is probably for the best since baby #2 will be here in a few more months!

  • Awesome blog! there are so many things you learn the first time! things that only a friend would share with you. I would add: sometimes the baby will get hungry right about the time you are about to eat. Have something easy to drink/eat -think ensure- handy (never thought about it with baby #1 but will definitely keep it in mind for baby#2). If you get the baby blues, seek help no matter how much others tell you it will go away. It does go away but you have to ACTIVELY work at it, seek emotional and/or spiritual support from someone who understands (sorry, but hubby and close relatives may not be very helpful). Last but not least, people tell you to talk and read to your baby, well, at first you won't have a clue about what to talk about. I remember feeling like an idiot teaching my baby the letters of the alphabet!! I had no clue what to talk to him about!! next time, I know it will come naturally and the baby will be fine even if we don't engage in a profound conversation about current events!

  • Witch Hazel on ice. Chill the Witch Hazel & put it on gauze pads. It feels so good on ur va-j-j. A nurse gave me that remedy. Also…sex for the first time after a vaginal birth. If u hadn't experienced the good before…this would make u want to never have it again. I'm sure this varies on the degree of damage but yikes! I thought I was going to die. However, once u get past that…it gets good.

  • My midwife gave me the best. advice. ever. The first few times you have to have a bowel movement after delivering your baby, hold a pad–just a regular Always-type pad over the "front" to keep you from feeling like you're going to tear in half–again! Made the whole process a lot less scary! I give this tip to new moms all the time, even ones I hardly know! I know they'll thank me later…

  • I wasn't prepared for any of the post partum stuff…. which really upset me as I did attend a birth class! I would have to say that most of these are probably true for most women!

  • Another thing they don't mention is the afterpains. It gets worse with each child you have. Baby number 1? I felt nothing afterwords. But 2-4…felt like I was still having contractions for another 3 days!!


    I am a man reading this. Are you fucking crazy? "You did this to her?"

  • I am 27 married with no kids and this has for sure scared the living shit out of me! I am bawling just thinking about how wonderful and brave women are to sacrifice their bodies! WOW! makes me love my mom more. MEN READING THIS.. YOU DID THIS TO HER! NOW TREAT HER LIKE A QUEEN SHE MADE A BABY>>not bought a baby>>MADE A BABY!

  • Oh my goodness I can't stop laughing. I'm 23 weeks pregnant now with baby #2 and felt so guilty telling my husband I was dreading the first 8 weeks post-partum. Mainly because I thought it sounded like I was dreading this sweet angel that will wreak havoc on my life after I get cut wide open to get him out (c-sections for me!). With my first I had all of the above–except the va-jay jay wasnt too mangled since i didnt actually push a baby through it, but i still had horrific hemmorhoids, and swelling (I pushed for 3 hours before getting a c-section). Bleeding nipples from breast feeding, cried nonstop for six weeks until I finally got some meds, and the sleep deprivation. Oh. My. Gosh. I'm dreading it all! But they ARE worth it! You will get back to your old self eventually. And it helps so much (for me at least) when I'm up in the middle of the night for what feels like the 100th time, in a fog, trying to change my pad and pee and treat my hemorrhoids before I go in to feed my screaming baby with my bloody nips, knowing there are other moms out there at the exact same time doing the exact same thing! I'll be thinking of you and think of me when you feel like throwing in the towel.

  • Thank you so much for this article. My only regret is that I didn't find this earlier, it would have been great if I would have found it about 8 months ago….I m 8 month pregnant and Due in a month….YIKES….no one has told me any of this before..my sister is an OBGYN and you would think being a sister she would tell me but no…..
    OMG I m flipping out….which is an understatement…..I can't really do anything now can I other than PRAY FOR A EASY LABOR AND EASIER POST LABOR??????


  • One other thing that the medical community doesn't explain very well (at least they didn't in my case) is that when you are in labor, you use the same muscle groups to push as you do when you are having a BM…WHO KNEW?!?!?!?! Would have saved A LOT of time if they had told me that going in; just saying.

  • I am 22 no where near having children and this was such a breath of fresh air. I have childbirth fear and this was, surprisingly, reassuring. I think I had/have fear of the unknown. The fear of what they aren't telling me. Thank you thank you thank you!

  • I got a seroma in my c section incision. I wore cloth diapers on it to soak up the abundance of nasty fluid. The doctor poked a q tip in and bobbed it around 3 times a week to clean out the gunk. I didn't realize that a q tip could open up the incision! ugh!!
    As for post partum poop- since I had pain pills after the c section, I also received stool softeners. The day after the surgery-I pooped all over the wall behind the toilet in the hospital room. I mean I really sprayed shit all over the place! Then I was so embarassed, I proceeded to clean it all up myself so no one would know. Another thing I hated was leaving all the blood soaked towels for the housekeeping people (I worked at the same hospital)after my shower.

  • This piece and the comments have burst me into tears, and I will never have a child. There are no upsides to parenthood a dog can't give you, unconditional love and all that, without the teenage years and thousands of lost dollars. Plus no destroying your body and humiliating yourself. Why anyone would do this, I don't know.

    • I can only tell you from my point of view, but i never wanted to have children nor get married. I havenow been married for 7 yrs and i have 2 kids that i could not imagine my life without them. Being a parent is a difficult job andit is not a job that everyone wants, not everyone can be doctors or lawyers either but someone has to do it. The big thing that kids give me that no animal ever could is true compainonship and hopefully a loved one to make important decisions for me when im old. Just think if everyone shared your thoughts maybe a scientist is denied being born who is going to do something great. just remember a mother "wrecked" her body so you can be here ☺

  • I remember looking at my peaceful sleeping husband (snoring extra loud) thinking how come that "explative's" life hasn't changed at all! Also, let's not forget the stitches down there. I popped one (tore the skin) when my son was 5 days old. I didn't get my backside all the way onto the seat of the car before I sat. The baby's 13 mths old and the spot is still sore.

  • I love this post – so accurate. My daughter is now 4, but while I was pregnant I belonged to a "pregnant mothers" message board so I was prepared for the worst. My 2 biggest fears were being induced with petocin and tearing/getting stitches. Of course, both came true and it didn't end up killing me. But it really was horrible. And 100% completely worth it.

    p.s. Take a stool softener as soon as you can after you give birth. I did and my first experience seemed to be a lot easier than what some other poor women have talked about in these comments. Seriously, write "stool softener" on your list. You will be thanking me later.

  • Number 10 made me laugh. Hard. I just gave birth to a nine pound monster three weeks ago and I pushed him out au-natural. What did I get for my trouble? A third degree tear strait back to my rectum. Three days later I had my first poo. I don't want to be too graphic so let's just say it plugged our toilet so badly that we had to call a plumber to clear our pipes. It felt like giving birth again. No one prepared me for that.

  • Thank you so much for your Blog. I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant with my first and on partial bed rest – reading your blog makes me feel so comforted to know that I'm not the only one. It's also nice to read something other than the condescendingly sacchrine pregnancy books I was given.

  • I am three months pregnant with my first and I am sooo glad I found this. I am scared to death, but also laughing so hard that I can't breathe! Thank god for all of you honest and hilarious women.

  • Wonderful blog and post! And ditto, ditto, ditto to all the comments. My only additions are the CONSTANT peeing post partum. Holy cannoli! It was my new hobby. Also, I couldn't cough. Not even if I wanted to. My diaphragm had been up around my ears making breathing interesting. Suddenly with baby out it dropped back down and didn't seem to want to function anymore. Awesome-sauce.

    For the soon to be first time moms reading this post and flipping their lids, try not to worry. You'll take it all in stride just like your pregnancy!

  • What was the worst for me was that my feet were SO swollen (twenty times worse than when I was pregnant at least!) that the only shoes I could wear were flip flops 2 sizes bigger than my normal size and with straps practically broken they were stretched out so far! Oh. And of course I gave birth in the middle of winter. That was fun.

  • This is an awesome fact filled post. Scary, but so true!! I had my 1st kiddo when I was 19yo, had no idea what I was getting into b/c I had never held a newborn and didn't know anyone pregnant. I bled heavily for six weeks after birth and while at my checkup when I told the nurse she said "That's not normal, why didn't you call us sooner?!" Umm, excuse me? What part of giving birth is normal exactly? None of that gross process is "normal" when you have never done it before. Sheesh. Keep up the writing, cuz you are awesome at it!!

  • hemorrhoids. get some tucks. make sure you have some in your diaperbag or purse for when you are away from home.
    anal fissure. i got one with my first, and it has never fully healed, 8 years later. fiber. lots of fiber!
    after labor pains. they hurt just as badly as the labor pains themselves. and lucky me, tylenol3 doesn't touch them! aleve or ibuprofen!
    if you nurse, you will leak ALL the time. when you hear a baby cry, when you get turned on, when you orgasm. nursing pads. they will be your life saver. as with the tucks, keep some with you at ALL times.
    painful intercourse. you will be DRY as the desert. lubricate! get some ky. try out different types until you find the one that works the best for you

  • Episiotomy – a guarantee that you will not be having sex anytime in the next year. My daughter is 5.5 months old and sex still hurts. Every. Single. Time.
    Needless to say I can count on two hands how many times we've actually done it.. So depressing.

  • Oh My Life, I literally have spent the last 5 minutes laughing out loud at all of these. Absolutely fantastic! Even the comments below are still making me smile. 🙂 Love this site!

  • Love love this! I had every one of those…ishhh! I do have 2 tips to add: when I got to take my first shower after having my son, the shower is located in a room with a huge floor to ceiling mirror!! I don't know why why why why why they did that. But you pretty much get to look at your body after. It was not a pleasent site. So whatever you do do not look at your body it will make you feel even worse than you do. Oh and make sure to bring water shoes or flip flops!

  • Calmoseptine is a great ointment for the postpartum recovery of the lady parts. A friend recommended it to me after my VBAC, and it's helping tremendously.

  • About halfway through my pregnancy last year, I read a similar blog about what to expect AFTER the delivery and I was horrified…I'm not kidding!! I immediately emailed two of my close friends and demanded to know if what I read in that blog was true….which unfortunately it was.

    Reading your blog today DEFINITELY brings back some memories!!

    1. You will have a really heavy period – I had a c-section, and I seemed to remember reading somewhere that women who have c-sections don't bleed as much because a lot of the blood is suctioned out during the procedure. If that's true, then I think my OB missed that part of the instruction on the day in med school where they show you how to do a c-section. I bled A LOT the first day, less and less in the following days, only to have it start up heavy again a week later. This went on for 6+ weeks. Not impressed.

    2. Your crotch might be a mess – for me, it wasn't my crotch. It was the surgical incision that creeped me out.

    3. You're still fat – Oh gosh, YES!! I was so excited the day after my c-section when I was allowed to get out of bed to take a shower. I felt smaller (obviously), but I almost cried when I saw my reflection in the mirror – I still looked like I was six months pregnant!

    4. You might cry. A. LOT. – Haha, see previous response 🙂 No seriously, I am normally a calm, easy going, relaxed person…I rarely get upset enough to cry under normal circumstances. OH BOY, was that a different story afterwards! I cried when I got home and our house wasn't ready for the baby (he was six weeks early). I cried when he wouldn't take a bottle for me, but would for my husband. I cried about my husband having to go back to work. I cried more tears in the week following my son's birth than I had probably in the last year.

    7. You might hate your husband – he's lucky I didn't murder him during those first couple weeks 🙂

    8. You might be hot – hot is an understatement. I was sweating like I had just ran a marathon in 100 degree weather the whole freakin' time for the first week or so. I had the AC turned up in my hospital room, a fan pointed on me, etc. Once I got home, the AC was jacked up even higher, to the point that my husband was complaining about freezing.
    9. Hard boobs – My boobs were scary! One day they were normal (well as normal as they could be during pregnancy), the next they were mammoth sized, hard as a rock, and hurt like hell. This was my first pregnancy, so I didn't know what to expect. I got in the shower one day, was very gently washing my gigantic boobs, and milk came flying out of them. I about freaked out! It felt like my body had become possessed.
    10.Pooing is scary – I had been warned about this early on. When the time actually came, I felt like my incision was going to rip back open and was afraid all my abdominal organs would fall out.

    What you didn't mention and what I wished I had known – I didn't realize that you CONSTANTLY have to pee AFTER the baby is born. This was along with the fact that I was drinking mass quantities of water. I seriously thought I was diabetic or something. Turns out the peeing is the body's way of getting rid of the extra fluid that builds up during pregnancy and the thirst is because the water helps in creating new blood to replace blood lost during delivery.

    Thank you so much for this post! I will keep this in mind for when we have our next one 🙂

  • OK. Now that I have stopped my laughter-induced asthma attack, I gotta thank you. Because I'm in menopause (and it's no picnic, pumpkin) and I do NOT miss the "good ol' days" of pre/mid/post pregnancy. I do love my kids and husband still, and they aren't doing the 3 P's on my any more (puking, pooping and peeing…)

    Oh yeah. Now it's driver's ed, boyfriends and PMS. Wait. I want the 3 Ps again pleeeease!

  • I had those ungodly uterine contractions after my csection the first time. My mother has worked in OB for over 30 yrs and even though she was right there with me she also forgot to fill me in on this little fact until I screamed in agony. She did however start me on every known regimen for a BM straight away. It still was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I broke out in a sweat, nearly passed out and prayed for death. Finally took 2 percocet-got a wash cloth to bite down on and pushed with all the force I could muster- only to push out 2 tiny rabbit turds! Pooping after a c-section sucks the big one!

  • Here's my advice:
    If you want to breastfeed, interview lactation consultants beforehand, as there are some wacky ones out there. Also, remember that babies get fussy in the evenings and boy oh boy they sure do seem hungry. They might be…but they might NOT be, too.

    Remember edema from your pregnancy? Yep, it'll stick around for a good week or two. More annoying than that is the advice to 'put your feet up.' As if you could.

    Speaking off which, if your bed is higher than your knee, just sleep on the couch for awhile. Or get a stepstool if you're gutsy.

    If you don't already have the plushest towels on the planet, get some. Put one on your bed/couch over your sheet and put another on top of you before you put your blanket on. Sleep as naked as you can and keep your jammies nearby for when you gotta get up for the baby. Change those towels when they get all soaked and your 30-75 minutes of sleep should be more pleasant.

    Explore other deodorant options. Because your current brand may not work when you are breastfeeding.

    If you have a c-section, don't go anywhere without your post-surgical binder or a pillow to shove into your belly as hard as you can while you laugh, sneeze, or cough. You never know when someone's gonna say something funny. And for goodness sake, don't allow anyone near you who is sick. You don't want a cough while you are pregnant…but you REALLY don't want a cough when you are postpartum.

    And "PPD" is different for everyone. Your version may be weepy or it may be angry or maybe irritated…who knows… When your husband asks you "What happened to you, you used to be different?" TRY, TRY, TRY to not snarkily mention that you carried, birthed, fed, and diapered his child at little to no cost to him. That's all I can think of.

    Oh wait! Try on your shoes again post partum and throw out the ones that don't fit (after your edema goes away). It's easier to throw out heels and such in this state…and if you ever get to go out in public again, it might be nice to shop for new ones.

    And for all that is good, please try to take a shower at least once a week. It will help with the stinkiness…so I hear.

  • I read this one a few months back when I first discovered this blog at around 25 weeks. I laughed, and blocked it out of my mind. I am a month away from due date now and happy(?) I read it again. h'roids? giant bags of peas in my pants (and pees in my pants..which have already started.) sweet lawd have mercy.

  • I just wanted to say I love this post!!! I couldn't have worded it better, if I had written it myself. All true, sooooo true…..and I was SHOCKED post birth that no one told me ANY of this. As scary as it sounds, it's good to know this stuff….my first look down stairs, scared the HELL outta me! It was followed by a sad, and anguished scream…..and I vowed never to look again…………LOL. I wish someone had prepared me! A simple "just don't look, trust me" would have sufficed! So for this article, I say THANK YOU!!!!!

  • Oh, how I wish I found this 7 weeks ago! I had/have almost every issue listed and would have appreciated a heads up. I actually felt a little betrayed by my mother when she waited until after I had one of the mentioned problems to tell me how she dealt with it. I'm sure she intended to keep me from freaking out when I had enough to worry about with just delivering (despite Penelope being only 7 lbs 4 oz I still had 3rd degree lacerations). I at least would have liked to have known about the constipation and the pain with breastfeeding. Even with perfect latching it took a month for my nipples to stop bleeding. And I honestly cried with relief the first time I went without the help of a suppository. Now if I can increase my supply with incorporating pumping while still having enough to feed Penny before I head back to work in a few days I'll be thrilled.

  • Wow, very complete post, I can't think of a thing you left out! I am due in 5 weeks with my 4th (!!)- I have a 6, 4 and 2 year old and each time (though less with each one) the symptoms are the same. Have to say, the THRUSH, MASTITIS and the post-delivery poop are likely the worst, worst worst things you'll ever have to endure in your life. Once past these things, endure if you can, and nursing is a breeze. The sleep deprivation makes you crazy. I have slept through the night only maybe 10 times in the past 6 years…so what the hey, why not have another, right??? haha, I am crazy!!!!!
    You Mamas are awesome, and know that, in your sleep-deprived, husband-hating middle of the night stupor, there are fellow mamas also out there with their new bundles, feeding and caring so carefully for them too, being the most selfless creatures on the planet, just like you. Good job!!!

  • I have 3 girls ranging from 19 to 12… I breast fed all 3… the thing I would tell other women is that if you get cold your breast will hurt so bad you will wish you had beat your man with a breast pump… Take a shower as hot as you can stand it straight on to your breasts… as they thaw the pain lessens… and to make sure if you sleep on a water bed turn the heat up as high as you can stand it… I really liked your comments on everything.

  • I just stumbled across this site today, although I think I've seen your "awkward pregnancy photos" blog before. It's my new favorite site, especially because in the near future my husband and I will be embarking on this wonderful ride called pregnancy.

    I have to be honest though. This post scared the crap out of me. I thought I'd already heard all the horror stories there are to hear from my friends who have given birth (including one friend who tore from hole to hole during pregnancy and had a strap-on pillow she had to take with her everywhere she went for a month just to sit down)… but I was wrong. Oh how wrong I was.

  • Witch hazel for the lady bits. Not right away, once the stitches start to heal but are still uncomfortable and itchy. It sounds like it would burn horribly but it's so soothing and helps keep everything clean so it heals better

  • Ok, I am 7 months into my pregnancy, and this just scared me half to death. can't get out of it now, I'm knee deep. I can't imagine that after going through the pains of labor and fun of being pregnant, I have to deal with all that! This postpartum crap makes pregnancy seem like the best time of your life!

  • My mom has told me in the past of the strange and wonderful peculiarity that is motherhood. She raised me alone (like, pretty much literally) from the age of two, and she told me how hard it was to be a mom not to mention all the gross things we offspring do while we're growing. And I knew that there was the potential of tearing, the pooping, the hemorrhoids, and some other things. But I really didn't understand the onslaught of things like the above until reading. Not that I actually understand, as I'm not a Mom. But knowing just these things makes my respect for my Momma, and other moms, much greater. Thanks for sharing!

  • HAHAHA! My kiddo is a little over a year and somehow I managed to block out all the memories of the post-labor horrors. This brought me back. I would add that for 3 weeks, my son suffered from reflux (undiagnosed because surely all the new mom needed was reassurance that it was normal for newborns to be a little fussy) which never allowed him to sleep for more than 20-30 minutes before he'd wake up screaming and the only way to calm him was to walk laps around the house, singing, and holding him straight up and down. And somehow in my drug and endorphin post-birth haze, I generously told my husband that since he was working, he didn't have to get up during the night with the baby. WTF!! To say that I could have murdered him in his sleep is an understatement.

  • 1st birth- 3rd degree tearing down the perineum, couldn't walk for 2 weeks…. first time I sneezed it hurt so bad I vomited. They gave me T3's without stool softeners… I ended up not going for a week, and then when I did the agony was worse than child birth and I ended up popping a few stitches.

    2nd birth- 3 inch diagonal episiotomy right into my left bum muscle. Sat lopsided on right bum cheek for a month.

    on my third and I have been told that I will be getting another diagonal episiotomy- this time- on my unmarred bum cheek. My frankenvigna is going to look like a very groovy peace sign!

    The best crotch pain minimizing trick was: While at the hospital, I filled surgical gloves full of ice chips, then I "borrowed" a box to bring home with me where I filled them with frozen peas…. nothing like a frozen hand down your panties to help ease the pain!

  • OMG. All your blogs are hilarious, but this one brings back "fond" memories. I had about all of the above mentioned afflictions post partum. Especially the sweaty fat man syndrome and visions of murdering my sleeping husband at 3a.m. 2 weeks after having my son, I was a sleep deprived, hormonal nightmare. I begged my husband for help in the middle of the night and he told me he was "too tired". He is lucky to be alive. Also, my best friend is due with her first in May. One of my shower gifts to her is gonna be the flushable, moist toilet paper wipes and a gigantic bottle of stool softener. Yep, naming that first poop would be appropriate. I just wish someone had filled me in on that one prior to almost dying on the toilet!! LOL

  • I wish someone would have told me that stretchmakrs comeafter the baby is born too. I thougt I was in the clear, but now at 6 weeks postpartum I have stretch marks all over my flabby belly. Ew.

    when my milk came in my boobs got huge! Like really big. I'm now a 36H. Yes, H! That's far into the alphabet my friends. Painfully far.

    also, if your nursing, you may leak when you have an orgasm. Isn't that hot?

  • I'm an 18 year old girl, and reading this definitely put the scare on me. See, this is the sort of thing they should tell you in high school sex ed classes! No teenage girl in their right mind would have unprotected sex if they knew this could happen. Hell, if they wanted to bring down the population count in america, this is what they could advertise. I've heard it's a problem – Well, problem be gone once they hear this!
    Don't get me wrong, I still want to have kids.. In the future, once I forget I ever saw this and fall in love and life life and have money put aside and all that nonsense. I expect the experience is great once you get over the hump, but the afore-hand facts..
    Safe sex. In fact, abstinence. Consider me pledged.

    On a side note – Do any of you new, past or future moms who may or may not watch glee, find it horrifying that Quinn gets her nice tiny body back, along with seemingly none of these symptoms? Boo, way to encourage girls to have babies >[

  • I find it fascinating that this was written an hour before I was induced. If only I had found it then it would've made great reading while I was in labor and it may have helped with not having so many things surprise me. For example… I just couldn't stop telling everyone how it looked like I had three giant testicles between my legs.

  • Number two for sure! That was one subject matter that I was not informed of and shocked when I was going through the healing process. It was not fun at all!

  • Witch-hazel. Put it in the squirt bottle they give you and it will help the soreness etc down there. It is in drugstores. It is the same thing that is in Tucks pads.
    I know I slipped on the ice 5 days after giving birth with my first and tore one of my stitches from my 3rd deg tear.

  • gawd, you're right abt it all! after 5 days of trying for post-partum poo, and feeling mind-blowing pain with each failed attempt, i was praying for a way to avoid it altogether. not humanly possible, i know, but one can fantasize while (literally) crying on the pot and finally 'passing' the likes of stonehenge. hemorrhoids won't leave me alone ever since. (btw, we're talking 2 years now. ugh.)

    oh, and um, i'm totally pissed abt the whole numbing spray thing that i didn't get and didn't know about! (shouldn't that be standard issue to all who birth a 98th percentile-head babe?) this is the first i'd heard of it. all i got with my torn-up va-j was ice, the squirt bottle, and a bunch of diaper-sized maxi-pads. oh, and instructions to call the ob if i had a blood clot 'bigger than a golf ball'. (i did, of course, and recall standing over it, kind of tempted to poke it with a stick or something, but then feeling woozy…)

    on the husband/partner issue: mine, like (apparently) most, had the un-be-liev-a-ble ability to sleep through an infant's cries. which were frequent. after half a year of sleep deprivation, and being greeted each morning with the same blinking, innocent, 'did you sleep alright, honey?', i admit, i started throwing elbows –hard– during middle of the night nursing. didn't wake him, didn't hurt him, did make me feel slightly better. i know, i know, what a bitch…

    survival tools: quality chocolate, quality wine, quality single malt. (i did time it out with the nursing…mostly). also, the mantra, 'everything is temporary,' and a ton of patience, and sometimes just feigned patience.

  • Thought that I would also mention that you might loss all bladder control for a while too. Stock up on depends- lasted for a week with me!

  • Referring to #2….the sore crotch…. I like to call it the "10 lb. vagina" No joke. I swear, after birth, it feels like it weighs ten fucking pounds. omg. Hooray Motherhood!

  • Oh "horror", don't let it scare you. Some of these things happen and sometimes you get a free ride (although, don't brag about it because other mother's will hate you).
    Let me just say this, having children does not make sense. Not physically, financially or even emotionally but I would have my children a million times over and twice on Sunday. I have no idea why but I love them to bits in spite of the fact that they age me a decade every hour.
    For some people it's just not in the cards and at the end of the day, you are the one that's giving birth so don't get talked into it. It's a tough job. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

  • Ok- my husband really wants a kid but after reading this there is NO WAY. The comments are enough to frighten me to tears! It sounds like months and months of torture!

  • Also got all 10 – with all 3 kids. I had an epidural with #1, but delivered too fast for #2. I figured since I did it on accident with #2, I could do it without on purpose for #3. No drugs before, but I had to get drugs for the after pains. Just basically really bad cramps for about a week.

    Most people say I had it easy because of really quick and easy births, but my pregnancies sucked royally. We're talking at least 2 months of pure misery and bed rest, migraines, insane back pain, and lots and lots of contractions. I figure my super quick deliveries are payback.

    Nothing prepares you for the grossness of the after stuff though. I'm totally sharing this article.

  • You forgot about gas. Mine is aggravated by chips and sugar. And I can NOT hold it in anymore.

    Also, how your stomach is never the same again. I mean, even if you are lucky enough to get rid of your flab, you still have all this extra skin hanging down like a loin cloth.

    And Amanda, I had those with the second baby, but not the first. I felt like I was in labor non-stop for a week. THEN my friend told me if you pee before you nurse, it's not so bad.

    Bethany, with my first one I got home and suddenly had to pee (because after 6 months of 30 pounds pushing on your bladder, you don't know what :full feels like anymore) so I dumped out my 6 bags of crap from the hospital to try and find my stupid squirt bottle because they put the fear of God into me about not rinsing after I peed. Anyway, I was wearing the diapers they give you and I didn't find the squirt bottle fast enough and I peed about a gallon all over my dining room floor. I was so tired and pissed, I threw a chair across the living room and made my husband go back to the hospital for a squirter while I cried in the shower like one of those dramatic movies.

  • I actually feel like the girls who get JUST these (minus PPD) are so lucky. I had 7 months of lochia bleeding, it finally eased up some when my son stopped breastfeeding and gradually returned to a cycle. The great thing was I couldn't even wear the pads the hospital gave me because I had such a bad 3rd degree tear and the pads irritated all the stitches, I had to go find special pads that were more trim and change them every 30 min. For 7 months. Pair that with the rock hard leaky boobies, sweating like a pig (people actually told me I'd be COLD after delivering???) and the sleepless nights, I could've joined the cast of Wicked.

  • 8th month and this has both made me laugh til I peed myself a little (admittedly not that hard to do these days) and make me pray that unborn child is kind on his way out. 🙂 The terror. Why don't they mention any of this stuff at your first dr appointment after finding out you're expecting. 9 months is plenty of time to come to terms with actually giving birth, I need another 9 to get used to the idea that after giving birth I'm going to be grosser then I am right now.

  • Some people also have to use these wonderful contraptions that require you to somehow grow another arm… are nipple shields. A Lot of people need them!! BUT here is the important part not all doctors tell you!! Make sure you pump after everytime you nurse! Because you dont get the same kind of stimulation through the shield.. and you will notice your child is ALWAYS hungry… its actually because your supply is a little low! Just up your fluids and try pumping! after the first 6-8 weeks you will do it yourself.. and as your child gets better at feeding you can usually ditch the pain in the a** shield!

  • This was freaking awesome. I too wish I had read this before I had my first child. I had no idea about the poop situation and it jacked me up bad for about a week afterwards. I'm not ashamed to admit, I became a suppository addict. I would sneak into the bathroom and pop that bottle open, overdose anally… oh how I loved them!

  • Well they also forget to tell you that after giving birth , you may have a bladder freeze and having 2 gallons of pee stuck in you really sucks! Man, I was never so thrilled to have a catheter!
    And yes, there were moments I wanted to take a pillow to my husbands face… he lay snoring and sleeping in bliss, while I got up and changed diapers and nursed every two hours!

  • If you tore into a million shreds like I did with both babies, don't forget you will still feel those places and be horribly dry during sex for at least 3 years afterward.

    • oh sister!! I’m so so sorry!! I feel your pain here. the dryness! it made the homicidal tendencies 1000 times worse! I did learn, after about a year, that my dryness was due to a lack of estrogen. (stupid hormones!) So if you have this problem and the idea of having sex is about as appealing as shoving razer blades followed by the strongest acid in the house up your va-j-j, Please see the doc and ask about estrogen. It will make things SO MUCH better.

  • Also…..be prepared to have zero control of your tooting and peeing capabilities for several months if you had a vaginal delivery. When you have to fart, you will NOT be able to hold it in, no matter how tight you squeeze. And when you sneeze or cough, some pee will come out. You will be wondering how long you're going to be farting and peeing your pants for – and at least for me it lasted several months. Fun times.

  • Don't forget how a nice warm shower will let down your milk – I had to keep a special towel to cover my chest so that I could dry off without spraying down the entire bathroom!

    Also, check to see if you're allergic to lanolin *before* you use that nipple cream! I kept using more & more of it because my nipples were so sore. Then the little light bulb finally turned on, I stopped the nipple cream, and the burning finally went away.

  • If you do decide you hurt enough to take pain meds after, its probably a good idea to know if you're allergic to Codene. Waking up with a swollen throat isn't much fun without a newborn, so you can imagine the joy when you have to deal with both alone.

  • My only tip is to get as much of that numbing foam stuff (epifoam I think it's called) as you can from the nurses. Pack it in your bag and take it home. Makes the first few days after birth/episiotomy a little nicer!

  • I don't remember how I landed here today, but OMGosh have I enjoyed it! The Top Ten list had me literally laughing so hard I was both crying and in pain, and some of the comments did too!!!
    I never knew I would love nurses so much or for so very many reasons . . . helping me clean up poop (EVERYBODY's poop!), bringing those lovely pad-shaped ice packs–my own personal heaven after tearing horribly with each birth, bringing my apple juice doubles–on the rocks–every ten minutes until I wasn't thirsty anymore, and YEAH, that took a WHILE!, offering to call my hubby for the upteenth time to find out how he was faring in traffic to get to the hospital when I was alone and in full blown labor five weeks early, entertaining my 2.5 yo when mommy was making HORRIBLE CONTRACTION faces so he didn't see them, and many, many more!
    And I only nearly killed my sleeping husband every other night or so. Approximately. DS1 was on a two hour eating schedule–three hours at the most–for SIX MONTHS! He was insatiable! And the hubs just slept. Peacefully. I did *NOT* punch him. Ever. I promise. 😉 Freakin heavy sleeper!
    And I checked in Webster's . .. the real definition of 'lochia' actually says "worst thing that could ever happen to a woman". Yeah. 'Nuff said.

  • Peeing and Kegels. DO YOUR KEGELS!

    I delivered an 11lb-er (stillborn) and I literally peed myself in the living room about a week postpartum. I sneezed, still couldn't feel my bladder, didn't kegel beforehand and yeah – stood there like a six year old in stunned dismay. I have a patient husband.

    Kegels before and after delivery really help things go back to normal.

    • First of all, I wanted to say how sorry you lost your baby. As a mom with three living children, I know how painful it is to lose one, the only difference is my daughter was 30 a few months ago when she died. I too delivered a ten pound 11 ounce baby, a boy and it was natural and wow, the kegels helped immensely! Good tip !

  • First – this ROCKED. Wish I had read it before baby #1. Thanks for the reminders for baby #2 due in May. Yeah, Thanks. LOL
    How you really forget the 'roids. Between that and a very minor episiotomy, nothing was comfortable down south for 2-3 weeks. All I will say is thank you to the nice nurse who gave me the giganto size tub of generic Tucks and the numbing spray. I wanted to send her cookies at Christmas.
    And the sleep deprivation haze (which links into #7 – gazing at sleeping hubby with a homicidal urge) … I didnt know what time of the damn day it was, since I was so foggy. DS got up every 2hrs on the dot, fed for 30-45 mins, changed him and put him back down. Just in time to get approx 75mins of sleep before he was up again.

  • My first was born 5 weeks early, so it took an extra day for my milk to come in. I literally went to bed a C cup and woke up a DD….I hurt sooooo bad! And I got the after birth cramps bad, with both my kids. So bad that I needed actual pain pills. With my daughter, my first, if I walked more than 10 minutes without stopping, I'd be doubled over with pain trying to steal someone's morphine IV it was that bad. My son I could walk, slowly, and it wouldn't make it worse, but oh dear Maude it hurt soooo bad. The worst with my son was he was a vacuum. I'm not kidding (how I wish I was) when I say I would only get 20 minutes of rest between feedings. That kids eats like a horse. I was so sleep deprived by the time he was 6 months old, it wasn't even funny.

  • Cabbage leaves soaked in Ice Water! Cut the veins and tuck it in your bra. Makes engorgement recede without affecting your supply too much. And it feels sooooo good.

    And when they offer you tea tree oil or witch hazel to ease the pain in your girly bits, take it! I remember thinking…I'm fine, I don't hurt too much. The next day I was crawling on the ceiling!

  • Did you mention the leaky breasts when you hear a baby cry? Not just your baby, any baby, any time, any where. You have to be hyper-vigilant or a quick trip to Target for diapers can turn into a mad dash back to the maternity section to buy another tee shirt.

  • Cara, you've actually hit upon the one gem I didn't experience after having either of my children. I have heard of it though because my friend had wicked contractions AFTER she had her baby. Although, she also had a 4 minute labour (I'm not kidding) so I was all "yeah, yeah, whatever." when she told me about it. Poor girl.

  • I'm suprised no one has mentioned those ubersucky intense labor pain slash cramps you get when your uterus shrinks back down to size small. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs & doubling over in pain convinced my appendix had burst…anyone?

  • I had no idea how much it would hurt when my milk came in, and I was pumping every two hours on top of trying to nurse because they'd scared me at the hospital that my baby was going to starve. So I had enough for triplets when it came in, at three in the morning, and I hadn't any idea it would happen!
    What did I do? We had no frozen peas, no ice packs, no ice at all (we are not generally ice people, though we've gottten ice cube trays since then); we did, however, have blocks of frozen spinach. I went back to bed with frozen spinach blocks pressed against my throbbing bowling-ball boobs.
    I have not eaten frozen spinach since.
    Loved this post– wish I had read it long ago!

  • For your va-j-j…if you have a vag birth…freeze your pads. I believe you put aloevera on them and then freeze them and its SUPER refreshing.

  • I hope this hasn't been mentioned, but my favorite post-partum tip is to take a NB diaper and make a slit in the back. Fill with ice cubes and apply as desired to your lady bits. As the ice melts, the gel in the diaper soaks up the water, so no mess and you can wear it to bed! Viola!

  • Hilarious and so true! I especially enjoyed #7 (about the sleeping husband). I very clearly remember looking at my peacefully sleeping husband as I dealt with a colicky baby in the middle of the night and feeling SO angry. I was literally throwing things at him… when he finally woke up, he looked around at the random items on the bed (shoes, books, etc.) and was very confused!

  • oh the boobs. they looked great under clothes, (a little out of proportion, whatever, they were huge!) but when I missed a pumping at work, they were like rocks, jagged sharp rocks! and the lochia, and the hormones, and the hair…yeah, just about everything.

  • This is so true. Hilarious to read only because I'm not going through it right now.
    One thing I may add to the list is Gall Stones that lead to a Pancreatic attack. This is SO common after pregnancy, that it warrants mentioning. If you have recently given birth, you are at risk (more so if your were at all overweight pre-pregnancy). If you feel chest pain that gradually worsens until it all of the sudden dies down, there is a good chance that your body is trying to pass gall stones. Go to the ER if you can. Switch to a low-fat diet until you see your doctor, and you will likely need an easy laparoscopic surgery. Ahhh, the joys of motherhood. Good thing the rewards are greater than the woes!

    • Oh yes, those gall stones and the pancreatitis that almost killed me because it was misdiagnosed 3 times at one hospital, but caught the first time at an urgent care facility when i became so dehydrated i almost passed out on my dad’s bathroom floor while visiting with my son 3 months after delivery and being rushed to the facility by my step mom. I would NEVER wish that kind of pain on anyone, ever.

  • Don't forget the hemorrhoids. If you had a vaginal delivery, you may have not only delivered a beautiful bouncing baby, but you may have also delivered yourself a nice bouquet of hemorrhoids. Which you then get to squirt a pile of Preparation H onto a Tucks pad and tuck the slimy mess where the sun don't shine, every time you go to the restroom. Oh yeah, totally glamorous!

  • My wife (21 weeks pregnant) just sent me this article. Holy smokes. I think I've got it though. I need to get her merlot, chocolate, and pajamas. And I need a jock strap for myself so I can use my hands to cover my face for defense w/o leaving myself open for a sucker punch.

  • Seriously the thrush made starting to breastfeed a pill! I had no idea about it, and both my Mom and my MIL kept telling me that "sure breastfeeding hurts at first, but you will get used to it and it won't hurt". It took six weeks before I went to a lactation consultant to figure out what was wrong, it was horrible! But we made it and I nursed my son for 16 months, it is really great once you know that it shouldn't hurt when your milk comes in!!

  • LOVE THIS!! All this is with a "normal everything-is-ok" pregnancy & birthing.
    With breastfeeding, you are SO right – it's rough, really rough at first, but then it DOES get better, LOTS better once you & baby get the hang of it.

    My 1st had problems latching on, then got thrush. ouch. Unbelievable pain in your boobs. And, thrush is near impossible to get rid of. Forget the prescription antifungals they want you to try – worthless. (look into grapefruit seed extract).
    This, combined with my refusing-to-heal c-sect incision (along with all the above) meant I was a M. E. S. S. for the first 3-4+ months postpartum.

    After the thrush was gone, things got a lot better.

  • Pajamas, ladies, my tip of the postpartum day is pajamas. No not the Frederick's of Hollywood kind, the "I went to collage and never got dressed to go to class" kind. You know, the ones you can answer the door in, run to the store in and just happen to sleep comfortably in? See this way you aren't actually required to drag your tired, flabby, sweaty, emotionally overwrought self into your dresser(and God forbid in front of a mirror) to try and find something, anything, the ONE thing that fits. And pajamas are so much more emotionally satisfying than wearing maternity clothes after the baby is born and you are not longer in a "maternity" way.

    That and chocolate. Good chocolate. Lots of good chocolate. And Merlot.

  • Awesome. You. Are. Awesome. Having had both c-sec and vag deliveries, I can say that the lochia mess is not as bad with the c-sec. They vacuum you out with some sort of medical shop vac before they sew you up again. I mean it's there, but it's not quite as horror-flick.

  • Somewhere out on the intertubes, I had read about lemon or coke can sized clots of lochia and how the non-guest-ready bathroom was going to look like a scene from Dexter.
    See, it's good to know that AFTER you're already knocked-up because there may be reconsideration.

    And props to you for mentioning the PPD…

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