If you can believe it, your baby has fingernails now. In no time these will be used to scratch your face with razor sharp precision at 2am while still remaining paper thin enough to be too terrifying to cut. They are a miracle of nature on so many levels.

Your baby is also around two inches long, which is typically compared to a lime or plum, but I like to compare it to a Viva Puff. Your baby is the size of a delicious Viva Puff. Don’t know what that is? Look in the cookie aisle next time you’re grocery shopping. You’re welcome.

You’re almost out of the first trimester, which typically means you’re going to start looking pregnant and feeling better soon. I like to refer to it as the Golden Age. It often lasts about 10 minutes so lap it up.

Sore boobs may be starting to subside even though estrogen and progesterone are still both hard at work setting up shop for breastfeeding. Extra blood flow and extra fat make for a great looking set of knockers so this is a great time to wear the v-necks and get out of speeding tickets. You may also be rocking protruding nipples and darker, larger areolas, but I suspect anyone viewing them will be too dazzled by your rack to notice even if you’re not digging them.

You may or may not be in maternity clothes yet but the seams may be starting to scream.  If this isn’t your first pregnancy you will pop earlier – I like to think your uterus has a bit of a memory and says, “oh, let’s make some room now, that small thing gets really big.”

Some women are excited to buy maternity clothes and others dread it.  Other women can skip maternity clothes altogether. Just do me a favor and don’t be delusional about it and walk around like you’ve clubbed a 9-year old girl over the head and stolen her clothes. Wear shit that fits, man. I’m saying this as a friend. Unless you’re trying to get on the People of Walmart website, then I totally respect your methods and say, “as you were.”

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